Power Rankings

2022 Power Ranks – The Final Week

You wanted a post?!? You will get a post!!!

As you can tell, I’m actually very hard to peer pressure.

Let’s get the sad shit out of the way. Rip the bandaid off and move on.

PWood, Timmy and JD? Out. Thanks for playing. Make checks payable to the Toppa Foundation for Raising Awareness for Peyronie’s Disease.

There’s only a few fun playoff scenarios left here:

Titties and Beer ( . ) ( . ) 🍻

Change of making the playoffs: 97% 

Scenario to clench a playoff berth:

  • WIN against fun.
  • OR basically put up like 50 points

Midday High Tides

Chance of making playoffs: 85%

Scenario to clench a playoff berth:

  • WIN against Fuselit
  • OR score more than It’s Corn! in a loss

It’s Corn!

Chance of making playoffs: 4%

Scenario to clench a playoff berth:

  • WIN against No Venmo for Soto

AND 

  • Fuselit WIN against Midday High Tides 
  • AND It’s Corn! scores +90 more than Midday High Tides

OR 

  • fun. WIN against Titties and Beer ( . ) ( . ) 🍻
  • AND It’s Corn! scores +162 more than Titties and Beer ( . ) ( . ) 🍻

So Vegas is all but in. Right now, he’s a 7-point favorite over 10th place JD, who has nothing to play for. Even if he loses, as long as he doesn’t score like, 12 points, he’ll make the playoffs. Even if he DID only score 12 points, I’d have to put up a 200 burger to jump him and knock him into 9th. 

Brendo just needs to put up a solid week against Timmy, but he’s a 5-point dog. Win and he’s in. But even if he loses, it’d have to be a disaster coupled with a hail mary from my shitty team to get knocked out of the playoffs.

Me? It’s all gotta go right. I gotta put up like 200 points against Buckets. AND THEN, I gotta hope for either Brendo or Vegas to lose. And that loss has to be pretty bad. Considering I’m a 35-point underdog and my highest score of the year is 157, I’m ready to right myself off this year. Again. 

Final Week of the SZN #PowerRankings

12. Newport Video now Amazing

Starting out the year 1-5 turned out to not be the best strategy for PWood this year. Here’s how Yahoo! graded PWood’s team during that first 6 week stretch of the SZN: F, C+, D+, C, C, F. During that stretch he averaged 95 points per week. 

The funny thing is that PWood probably stopped giving a shit at that point, and then proceeded to go 3-2, and average 126 points over the next 5 weeks.

SZN summed up in a gif:

Most Likely Finish: Last place

11. Fuselit

Also not a good strategy? Finishing the year on a 5-week losing streak. 

SZN summed up in a gif:

Most Likely Finish: 10th place

10. fun.

Jesus, JD also ended the SZN on a 5-week losing streak. You could say his year was not… fun. Zing! 

Well Timmy and JD, try and close out the SZN with a win and build for next year. As my track coach always told me as I was finishing my third lap of a 7-lap race that everyone else had already finished, “Go for time!” 

SZN summed up in a gif:

Most Likely Finish: 11th place

9. It’s Corn!

Uggghhh, I hate my team. Spoiler Alert: My SZN summed up in a gif is the Kombucha Girl: 

I began the SZN losing 3 of 4 and decided my team stinks and stopped caring. I then won the next week and convinced myself if I won one more week and got back to .500, I could turn my SZN around. I then proceeded to lose two in a row. At that point, I was completely out on my team. I even offered to collude with Woody (stand up Commish that he is, he turned me down). I then ripped off three wins and got myself back into 8th place. I even started feeling a little hope. I’ve now lost my last 3 and things are dark again. Man, I love fantasy football. Good thing I don’t pay money for this experience. 

Most Likely Finish: Not in the playoffs

8. Midday High Tides

Brendo won four in a row to start the SZN and was the only unbeaten team in the league heading into October. Then the wheels fell off and Brendo lost four in a row. He’s been bouncing over and under .500 since and is now coming into the final weekend needing a win to make the playoffs. 

SZN summed up in a gif:

Most Likely Finish: 8th place

7. Titties and Beer ( . )( . ) 🍻

After winning week 1, Vegas lost 4 in a row. It’s honestly impressive he’s where he is, basically in the playoffs. 

SZN summed up in a gif:

Most Likely Finish: 7th

6. The #LetMacSmack Attack

#FraudAlert sponsored by FTX.

#nick is 7-6 but 6 of those wins were against me and Timmy (twice each), PWood and JD. #nick is this year’s Jets & Giants, where you keep going: they can’t really be that good, how do they keep winning? They’re not good. Are they good? No. But they win. But they’re not good. Okay, okay, okay, they’re good. Oh no, it’s all smoke and mirrors, they’re not actually good. Just like the Jets & Giants, #nick’s gonna make the playoffs, and you’re gonna bet against him. 

SZN summed up in a gif:

Most Likely Finish: 6th

5. The QB Controversy of ‘22

If there is one thing I’d like to remember about this year is the QB Controversy of ‘22. This year JeffWho has started 6 different QBs this SZN: Jameis Winston, Jared Goff, Matt  Stafford, Derek Carr, Tua Tagovailoa and Jimmy Garoppolo. Combined they scored 308 points, which is good enough to be the QB9. By the way, the QBs picked in the 11th & 12th rounds between #nick and JeffWho, when he convinced half the league to take QBs, were: Trey Lance (IR), Kirk Cousins (still on JD’s team, started twice), Derek Carr (dropped and started for JeffWho), Matt Stafford (dropped and started for JeffWho), and Tua (dropped and started for JeffWho). So the lesson is, wait on QB, let everyone draft two and waste one of their picks, and then get Tua on the waiver wire? 

SZN summed up in a gif:

Most Likely Finish: 5th

4. After Further Review

Woody started the SZN strong, winning 5 of 6. There was a point in the SZN where Micho, Buckets and Woody were the top three teams in the league (in some order), and I thought, “the old men of Toppa League are dominating!”

But Woody stumbled midway through the SZN, losing 3 in a row, including an ugly loss where he only put up 66 points. Since then Woody has righted the ship, and pulled off 3 wins in a row. But it left the door open enough for VC to jump him in the standings.

SZN summed up in a gif:

Most Likely Finish: 4th place

3. Porta-potty dumps

Can I compare JBiggs’ team to a Porta-potty dump as a way to describe his team and SZN? I can sure try.

Like the one-ply toilet paper in a porta-potty, where is JBiggs thin?

Running back.

Like taking a dump in a porta-potty, could JBiggs’ team be better, but is ultimately effective?

Yes, just like pooping in a house is always better than pooping in a plastic box outdoors, but it does get the job done, JBiggs has had some up-and-down stretches, but he’s 8-5 and second in points. 

Does it suck after you play JBiggs, just like it’s awful to follow someone who’s just shit in the porta-potty?

No! The team that played JBiggs ended up winning the next week 9 times! This stat means nothing, but we’re comparing things to poo here. 

What are some poop related players on JBiggs’ roster?

Amon-Ra St Brown, Stefon Diggs (I dunno Diggs feels like it could be dirty/gross), Deshaun Watson (he plays for the Browns, and is an overall shitty person)

SZN summed up in a gif:

(Not sure how this sums up his SZN, but I can’t stop laughing at it)

Most Likely Finish: 3rd place

2. No Venmo for Soto

Guys. Guys! Buckets started the SZN off losing his first 3, and 4 of his first 5. He was in 11th place. He then went on to win 8 in a row. Eight. EIGHT! Hang on, Imma say it again. E.I.G.H.T. EIGHT GAMES IN A ROW! This is incredible. He went from almost worst to almost first. He’s too many points behind Micho to get the 1st seed, unless he puts up a ton of points, and Micho puts up a stinker. But still, this is amazing.

And. AND! Buckets has only made 7 moves on the waiver wire. No. For real. He’s only picked up 7 (SEVEN!) guys off the waiver wire. 3 of which were linebackers! 

He literally walked into the draft, picked his players, and was like “I’m good.” AND HE WAS! 

SZN summed up in a gif:

Most Likely Finish: 2nd place

1. Firssss DOWWWWNNN

Micho has dominated throughout the SZN. Aside from a small 2 game hiccup in the middle of the SZN, he’s won and won and won. He’s also the highest scoring team in the league, by about 10 points per game. 

But you know that’s not good enough for Micho. He wants to make it back to the Toppa Bowl for the first time in 10 years. 

SZN summed up in a gif:

Most Likely Finish: Top Dog

If you all stay off the naughty list, I’ll do playoff previews. Bad luck to Brendo, Vegas and Buckets.

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