Power Rankings

Mid-SZN (Right?) PowerRanks

Let’s PowerRank the foods I offered MiniRanks last night!

Food PowerRanks! One of my favorites! This is gonna be great!

18. Pasta w/ Meatballs and Breadsticks

Me: “Mommy and Daddy are having spaghetti and meatballs. Would you like some?”

MiniRanks: “Mmmm pissgetti!” 

Runs over to table.

Climbs into kiddie chair.

Sprinkles cheese on his pasta (and half the table).

Proceeds to eat half of a tiny breadstick.

Pushes his bowl away in disgust.

These breadsticks were homemade, mind you! And he helped make them. He was so excited to help!! Fucking eat it!

17. Fishsticks


16. Chicken Nuggets


15. Veggie Burger

Still “no”

14. Peanut Butter and Jelly

Come on man, you love PB&J. You eat it literally every day. Like, for real “literally,” not “white girl literally”. I think he’s had at least one PB&J every day of his life that he’s started eating solid food.

Come on.

Say the work and I’ll go make it, man.



13. Meatballs

“You sure you don’t want some of these yummy meatballs?”

“No, I don’t like meatballs.”

This is categorically false. This kid fucking loves meatballs. He’s a liar.

12. Pancakes

Aw yeah, man. Breakfast for dinner! Here we go. At this point, I’d be thrilled to make some pancakes.


11. Waffles

Still breakfast for dinner. Even easier than pancakes. Just stick it in the toaster. We can even play the little game where you bring your stool over and you can put the waffle in the toaster oven on your own, and I’m scared you’re gonna simultaneously burn yourself and fall off the stool at the same time.


10. Fruit Packet

“How about a packet?”


“You want a packet?”


“What color would you like? Orange or blue?”



9. Breadsticks

We’re trying again! You made them! Remember all the fun you had rolling the dough?!?! Remember?!?! Here I’ll dip it in sauce. Mommy and Daddy love them!!! You did such a good job making them!!! PLEASE EAT IT!!!!

Takes the breadstick and examines it for 45 painful seconds. Tosses across the table.



8. Cereal



7. English Muffin


Fucking FUCK.

6. Mac & Cheese


What the fuck!

5. Crackers


4. Cheese stick


At this point, I just started naming all the food in our house: soup, yogurt, leftover chinese, lettuce, onions, flour, salt & pepper. Fucking eat SOMETHING!! You will literally die if you don’t!

I also got pissed that he wouldn’t just tell me what he wanted to eat (in between every single one of these “No”s was a “What would you like to eat?” … “I don’t know.” Shoot me in the fucking brain basket.), so we just took him upstairs and put him in the bath.

3. Fruit Packet

These are like what people eat in the future. It’s just vitamins and minerals for sustenance in a easy to carry package. Take all your food a reduce it to goop.

He said he would eat one in the bath.

He did not.

He fucking did NOT.

2. Peanut Butter and Jelly

Boom Boom asked him if he wanted a PB&J. He said yes. He was genuinely excited. I could hear it from the kitchen. “It’s gonna be yummy!! Hooray” Hoo-fucking-ray, indeed.

I made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but only a half sandwich (because deep down I knew). 

Did he eat it?

You know the answer, don’t you?


1. Whiskey

The kid did not drink whiskey. That was for me after this whole goddamn ordeal.

Side note: I’ve learned that you can’t understand the level of love that you feel for a child until you have one. The flip side of that is that you will never feel rage like the frustration you feel when the thing you are evolutionarily predisposed to take care of and keep alive… won’t fucking eat!!!

Mid-SZN(ish) #PowerRanks

The league is split into 6 good teams, and 6 really bad teams. There isn’t even a .500 team right now.

12. Newport Video now Amazing

PWood is the lowest scoring team in the league, by a lot. Like 150 points, a lot. Which is 25 points per game less than the next worst team. 

His team is kinda like owning a brick and mortar video and magazine porn store, when, you know, the internet exists. I’m so fascinated by this place. It’s a front right? It’s gotta be a front. It’s just used to launder money, right? Like, people don’t actually go in there, right?

11. No Venmo for Soto

Buckets won last year, so this year is all gravy. If you’re feeling bad about your team this year, just get naked and put on your belt. 

10. fun. 

JD started the SZN 0-2, but then bounced back with 2 victories including putting up 190 points in Week 4. That may have been the high point of the SZN for him. He’s lost his last two and only put up 73 points last week.

9. Fuselit 

Timmy’s has traded a whopping 4 players! That has to be some kind of Toppa record. I’ve given up trying to trade with people. I also hate my team, and find it hard to convince myself that anyone would want any of my players. I want nothing more than to say Timmy got hosed in the deal (he did!) but he went 1-1 since the big trade and has scored 130 each week. Tom Brady scored 31 and 18 points. So, it seems like he’s not any better or worse off. 

8. Titties and Beer ( . )( . )🍻

Vegas picked up his first win since Week 1. Against me. Well done.

7. It’s Corn!

I’m officially the best of the worst. I lost this week and somehow went up in the standings. Kinda tells you everything you need to know about how shitty the bottom half of the league is right now. I can’t wait to scrape and claw my way into the playoffs just to get absolutely smoked in the first round. 

6. #LetMacSmack Attack

Since trying to coerce the entire league to draft QBs and leave JeffWho with nothing, #nick QBs have scored 5, 43 (nice!), 12, 11, 0 (oof!) and 5. 

In other news, I might be okay if we don’t #LetMacSmack. Anyone else rather go to #ZappeHour? I’ve found myself actually enjoying Pats games more when Bailey’s out there. 

5. The QB Controversy of ‘22

The interesting thing is #nick’s plan of stealing QBs may have kinda, sorta, actually worked. Jeff has started 4 different QBs this year (including this week) and is averaging 22 points at the position (which would be way worse if he didn’t get a 50-burger from Jared Goff). 

4. Porta-potty dumps

Timmy may not have necessarily lost the big trade a few weeks back, but JBiggs definitely won it. Pat Mahomes has been the 3rd and 4th best player in fantasy since the trade. And Mark Andrews was the best TE last week, plus 3rd the week before. (Timmy’s now starting Rob Tonyan at TE, btw, who has less points in the last 4 weeks than Andrews scored last week alone. Okay, we can say Timmy lost the trade.)

(Ah shit, I just realized JBiggs has now traded 4 players this SZN too.)

3. Midday High Tides

After starting the SZN 4-0, Brendo has lost 2 in a row. He looks like he could right the ship this week, already scoring 40 points last night.

Brendo’s team consistently puts up points; he’s only scored under 130 once this year. 

2. After Further Review

Woody’s riding a 2-game winning streak that put him at the top of the table. You’d think that’d put him at the top of #PowerRanks as well, but this week’s “win” was a 100-73 “victory” over JD.

Something about Woody and Micho being in first and second in Toppa League that just feels right.

1. Firssss DOWWWWNN

Even though he lost this week and dropped to second in the standings, Micho is still the highest scoring team in the league and has a squad. Could this be Micho’s year? What better way to celebrate his 40th birthday. 

Have a good weekend! And eat something goddammit!

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