I’d like to start off this week with an update on the deliverer of each week’s Dog Shit of the Week. Ollie had knee surgery two days before Thanksgiving. He actually had his other knee replaced 3 years ago, and it’s very common if one blows out, the other will blow out soon after that. He’s getting much better and will be fine. Soon he’ll be running around on two robo-legs like the Six Million Dollar Dog. And we may as well call him that because the price of the surgery was pretty fucking close to that.
If you’ve never taken care of a recovering dog, it’s actually a lot like taking care of a child. Except it’s like taking care of a child of different ages all at once.
There’s the newborn aspect of it. Your dog will cry all through the night. It will keep you up in a way where you lose all will power and brain power and just say things like “I can’t” or “But, why?” randomly and unprompted. You will end up lying on the floor with your head on a throw pillow and your hand touching the dog’s paw, because it stops them from whining. And you’re so tired that you end up falling asleep even though it’s probably the most uncomfortable position you’ve ever been in since you slept on your buddy’s pull out couch after college when you realized you were too old to sleep on a pull out couch. Then after a few nights, he starts sleeping through the night, but every time he moves around, makes a noise or even breathes extra heavy, you snap awake. There’s also the constant, “Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Are you tired? Do you have to poop? No? Then what the fuck do you want!?” that you do every hour or two.
There’s also the next stage where the kid is a little older. I don’t know what you call it. Somewhere between infant and two. Basically, the age where they’re no longer on booby milk. Because, that’s right, you will hand feed your dog. And they will pretend they don’t want it, but they’re starving. What the fuck, dog? Last I checked, you weren’t a fucking cat! You also have to trick them to drink water. Yeah, so you’re on your hands and knees, inside your dog’s crate dipping your fingers into a bowl of water and having him lick your fingers so they remember “Oh yeah, water keeps me alive!”
But also there’s the toddler stage. The obvious reason for this is that the dog is limping around, with a gigantic fucking cone on his head. At first, he bumps into things and spooks himself. You spend what feels like hours coaxing this sad, injured dog onto his legs, then he smacks his cone on something, freaks out and lies back down. After a few days though, he gets used to it and he’s like a bull in a china shop. He will just smash through anything in his way. He will be like a toddler destined for head trauma on the living room coffee table.
The one little wrinkle too all this is that your baby shits itself. Your dog will not. That’s right, you spent all that time teaching your dog to be a good boy and hold it. Dad, did you go to happy hour after work and come home late and drunk? No worries, big guy. I got you. This pee’s gonna be extra long, but don’t worry the furniture is fine. But now, he won’t get up to go out because his leg hurts, so he just cries through the night holding in his poop like a good boy. The first night he pooped on the floor and I was actually super happy. Which reminds me! Another thing like having a kid, you get really happy when they successfully poop and pee. It’s a serious relief. Like somewhere above dropping your iPhone on the pavement but finding out it didn’t break and just below realizing the front door to your house was wide open all day but nothing happened.
So this whole ordeal was super overwhelming in the beginning and made me think I could never have kids because I couldn’t even handle an injured dog. Then all that sleep deprivation and survival shit kicks in and your like, I don’t even remember that bad stuff, this is super easy and I’m going to work every day, I probably could handle kids. (I realized this why people have multiple kids) I tell you what though, putting Ollie in the crate for hours each day made the whole thing a lot easier. So if I do end up having kids, I’ll just stick them in a crate.
The playoffs are upon us! And we’ve got us some primo match-ups. I’m matched up against Vegas, which is super fun because I love making fun of him in the blog and I’m sure he’s got so much repressed, pent up rage that he can’t wait to beat me. Micho is matched up against Brendo, so they’ll be watching all Sunday’s games side by side at O’Brien’s. #Nick is matched up against Timmy in the matchup of the two people I haven’t seen the longest. And last, but so very much not least, we’ve got a matchup between two DeSantis brothers. Let’s get into it. Here is your Toppa League Divisional Round Preview:
#1 Driveway Beers (9-4) vs. #8 Alex’s Rub and Tug (6-7)
Christmas came early. This matchup is everything I wanted. A DeSantis Bowl in the playoffs. Having it be in the Toppa Bowl would be too much to ask. Plus, we would run the risk of JD being in the Toppa Bowl again and possibly winning the thing.
JD won his last two to get himself into the playoffs. JBiggs has won two in a row, three different times this year. For a 1 vs 8, you couldn’t ask for a better matchup. We’ve got the best team in league all year going up against the back-to-back Toppa Champ. We’ve got brother vs. brother. One is the seasoned vet, the other is young and hungry. I’m not really sure which, because I haven’t paid enough attention to know who’s older and by how much. This time, they’re not playing for Mom’s love or Dad’s recliner. No, it’s something way more important than that. Toppa Glory. JBiggs is trying to become the first 1-seed to become Toppa Champion. JD is trying to become the first ever Toppa Threepeat.
Previous Matchup: This year’s regular SZN DeSantis Bowl only took place 3 weeks ago, in Week 11. JBiggs took advantage of that awesome Chiefs-Rams game on Monday Night Football, and scored 83 points to come from behind and beat his brother by 26. Patrick Mahomes scored 58 points that night with 478 yards passing and 6 TDs. JD received 38 points from Saquon Barkley, but not much else from the rest of his team. 7 of his 11 players only scored in single digits, including his kicker who actually hurt JD by putting up a -2.
Key Players for Driveway Beers: JBiggs has the top scoring running back and quarterback in Todd Gurley II and Patrick Mahomes, who is also the top scoring player in all of fantasy, averaging 41.67 points per game. That is a good 5 points per week better than the second best player. He’s also got a pretty solid receiving core with Julio Jones, Brandin Cooks and Allen Robinson, three big names who have been surprisingly hit-or-miss this year, especially lately. JBiggs will look to replace James Conner, who is the 7th best running back in fantasy this year and is out. Really it all comes down to Mahomes and Gurley, and as it’s proven all year, that might be enough.
Key Players for Alex’s Rub and Tug: JD has had less luck with Russell Wilson this year, who didn’t repeat his performance as the best quarterback in the league last year. Of course, he’s thrown for over 500 yards and 6 TDs in his last 2 games, scoring more than 35 points in each. JD will look for a big game from him, as well as his running back tandem of Saquon Barkley and Spencer Ware. Saquon Barkley is the third best non-quarterback player in fantasy this season, and Spencer Ware is the Chiefs running back who didn’t beat up a woman in a hotel lobby on a security tape. JD is going to be looking for some luck at the wide receiver position, as his best one, Michael Thomas, isn’t even inside the top-10 in WR scoring.
#2 FulltimeShittyGuy (9-4) vs #7 #MainiLovesBradyUggs (7-6)
Well it’s time to see if Timmy’s team is for real. Timmy somehow captured the 2-seed and tied for the league’s best record. All that while having the second-worst points scored of any playoff team. He won two of his first three games by a total of 4.4 points. He didn’t score more than 145 points until Week 7. But, he’s finished the SZN strong, winning 3 of his last 4, and averaging 153 points per week.
#Nick has had a very up-and-down SZN. He never won more than two in a row. He had a couple big wins, including beating JBiggs two weeks ago, and he never had a loss to a non-playoff team.
This could be a very close one. #Nick is only scoring 2.5 more points per week than Timmy. The big question is, will #MainiMagic become #TimmyMagic? Timmy has had the least points scored against him in the league. Will his luck continue?
Previous Matchup: In Week 10, Ben Roethlisberger and Antonio Brown combined for 77 points to put Timmy up big on Thursday night. He never looked back, as he won a matchup that never really got close, 159.80 to 132.75. Timmy also got help from his two running backs, Kerryon Johnson and Mark Ingram, who combined for 45 points. David Johnson put up his best performance of the SZN, scoring 31 points for #Nick. But aside from another 33 points from Andrew Luck, #Nick didn’t get a whole lot of help from the rest of his team.
Key Players for FulltimeShittyGuy: Did you know that Ben Roethlisberger is the second highest scoring player in fantasy football? I would not have guessed that. He has 8 games of over 30 points, one of which went for over 40, and TWO went for over 50. Timmy’s receiving corps is Antonio Brown and then some other guys. That said, Brown is the third highest scoring WR in the league right now. Timmy will need some help from running backs Lamar Miller, who’s on a tear lately, averaging 19.3 points in his last three games, and Mark Ingram, who put up 27 points in back-to-back weeks just 3 weeks ago, but put up a total of 8 points in the last 2 weeks combined.
Key Players for #MainiLovesBradyUggs: #Nick will need another SZN-best performance out of David Johnson. Besides that 31-point week, Johnson has scored more than 20 points only one other time this year. In his last two games, he hasn’t scored a touchdown nor rushed for over 70 yards. Nick’s also hoping for a big performance from Andrew Luck. From Weeks 4 through 12, Luck didn’t score less than 30 points, and put up 54 in Week 4. However, last week he put up 12 points. #Nick’s hoping he bounces back to form or else Timmy will be taking #Nick out like he takes out the city garbage every day.
#3 Sauce on the Side (8-5) vs #6 Mr. BoomBoom (7-6)
Here we go. Vegas with the chance to shut me up for good. Or maybe it’ll just be worse if I lose. I’m coming for you Vegas. I’m gonna smoke you more than those delicious chicken wings that you served when we watched TV outside on a 40 degree day because we decided to move the TV outside in late November because… of… stuff… and… yeah.
Vegas comes into the playoffs hotter than Nashville Chicken. He’s won 2 in a row and won 4 of his last 5. He’s also the third highest scoring offense in Toppa League. It should be noted that he also put up the highest score of the SZN against the best team in the league, beating JBiggs 229-153.
I’ve been able to turn my SZN around. After starting the SZN out 1-4, and losing three in a row, I’ve won 6 of my last 9 (NICE) and 3 of my final 4. I am the second highest scoring team in the league. (I still scored more than 200 points LESS than JBiggs, which is 16 points per week less.)
Get the Tums, Vegas, and not just for the Hot Chicken. This is gonna be a close one. We’re the 2nd and 3rd best offenses in Toppa Leauge and our weekly points average is separated by less than two points. You’re going to have to sweat this one out. Which is good news for you, I guess.
Previous Matchup: When I played Vegas 3 weeks ago, I put up my highest score of the SZN and beat him 170-152. It was a really close matchup. During the early Sunday games, were only separated by less than a point. During the Sunday afternoon games, I pulled ahead by just 3 points. However, all of Vegas’ players had played and I still had enough left on Sunday and Monday night to pull ahead by almost 20. Philip Rivers and Zeke Elliot each scored over 30 points, while Davante Adams, Philip Lindsay and the Indy Defense each tacked on another 20+. Drew Brees put up 47 points for Vegas, but he didn’t get enough from the rest of his team
Key Players for Sauce on the Side: Drew Brees is still somehow a top-5 fantasy quarterback. Remember this next year when all the experts go nuts for Mahomes and Rodgers and Goff and Andrew Luck, now that he’s healthy. Or don’t and I’ll take him. It’s cool. Nick Chubb has 80 points in his last 3 games. 41 of which were three weeks ago and he only had 13 last week, but he still has a touchdown in each of his last 4 games. Leonard Fournette’s game logs look like this: 5.5, 0, 0, 3.5, 0, 0, 0, 0, 22.90, 20.10, 22.80, 0. Which to me is frightening, because it looks like he’s going to play this week.
Key Players for Mr. BoomBoom: I’m pretty flush with running backs: Zeke Elliot and Philip Lindsay are the 6th and 9th highest scoring running backs in fantasy, and Joe Mixon is 11th in points per week. My receivers leave more to be desired, besides Davante Adams, who’s 4th amongst receivers this year. I’m rolling the dice with Dante Pettis, who scored 32 points last week, but I have no fucking clue who’s throwing him the ball. I don’t even think it’s CJ Beathard. You know it’s a random-ass motherfucker if that other random-ass motherfucker is hurt and not playing. Also the Great Inseminator, Phil Rivers, is just awesome enough to keep me in every game.
#4 Woken KMICHO (8-5) vs #5 East Lot Pimpin’ (8-5)
Two 8-5 teams rolling into the playoffs in a matchup that is pretty even. Micho never lost two in a row all SZN and has the 5th ranked offense in Toppa League. Brendo has the least points scored of any team in the playoffs, but rattled off 6 wins in a row at one point, which was the longest winning streak of the SZN.
Previous Matchup: Just 3 weeks ago, Brendo outlasted Micho in a 330 point slobberknocker. Cam Newton and Tyreek Hill combined for 81.55 points, and Brendo had 5 other players in double figures. Micho got 53 points from Jared Goff, but sadly, it wasn’t enough. Yahoo graded Micho an A and Brendo an A+. Let’s hope this week gives us another great matchup between these two.
Key Players for Woken KMICHO: Micho’s going to be refreshing Twitter over and over again to see if his best player, Melvin Gordon, who is averaging the second most points per week in the league for a non-quarterback, is going to play this week. But he didn’t play last week, and is questionable with a knee. Not a knee injury, by the way, just “a knee.”
Micho’s also got a big decision ahead of him. Does he start Jared Goff, who is the 5th highest scoring player in fantasy and scored 51 points three weeks ago, but only 11 last week and is playing in Chicago this week? Or does he start DeShaun Watson who’s averaging 27.80 points in his last 2 weeks, and is matched up against Indianapolis?
Currently, Micho is playing it close to the vest by putting his entire team on the bench. This could go two ways for Micho’s team. It could motivate his team to work harder in practice to earn their spot in his starting lineup. Or, the whole team could go down to Miami and get on a boat and lose their concentration right before a big playoff game.
Key Players for East Lot Pimpin’: Brendo will hope to ride his receiving corp to victory. Brendo has two top-10 WRs on his squad, with Tyreek Hill and DeAndre Hopkins. Hill is the top scoring WR in fantasy football and has THREE 40-point weeks. Hopkins is no slouch either. He has five 20+ point weeks and has never scored less than 7 points in a week. Brendo will also be hopeful that Gronk has a Gronk-like performance this week. He’s only had one performance like that this year, and that was all the way back in Week 1. Since then, he hasn’t had 100 yards receiving in a game and only scored 1 touchdown. I think we’re all hoping that he turns back into The Big Gronkayor.
Okay, you know the deal. Set your lineups and make your picks. It’s the Playoffs! I can feel it in my plums! Vegas grab some extra deodorant. Timmy find your lucky barstool at Specks. Micho get to O’Brien’s at 11:31am and order your regular. #Maini get liquored up and make sure those fingers are extra fat. JD and JBiggs, watch all the games together in your childhood living room and stream it so I can watch. Brendo be sure to come off the top rope in the group text. The good one. Not that other one. The one that has everyone. I will be sure to blog about all of it, while also writing about Christmas movies and obscure foods.
What better way to start the Fantasy Playoffs than with the Titans (-4.5) taking on the Jaguars. Look, I don’t even want to hear it. The Titans are wearing their baby blue ColorRush uniforms and the Jaguars are gonna wear their mustard yellows. If I don’t watch this game, than in my head they played in those uniforms.
Enjoy the weekend and bad luck to everyone in the playoffs!