It’s the Christmastime SZN which means there are radio stations playing nothing but Christmas carols and there are TV channels playing nothing but Christmas movies. How can there possibly be so many Christmas movies?! Want a little taste? We’ve got My Christmas Inn, The Christmas Contract, Christmas Around the Corner, Christmas Pen Pals, A Christmas Arrangement, Every Day is Christmas, Christmas Harmony, Christmas Perfection, A Twist of Christmas, Love for Christmas, The Christmas Pact, A Star for Christmas, Christmas Lost and Found, A Christmas in Tennessee, Christmas Around the Corner, Hometown Christmas, A Christmas Kiss, A Golden Christmas, and Christmas Under Wraps. This is honestly like I put “Christmas” 100 times along with 100 other random words into my Neural Network and let it spit some random shit out.
I decided I was going to do a little sampling of these movies. A ChristAmuse Bouche, if you will. I started with where I knew I would find the most Christmas movies per capita and that was ABC Family. But did you know ABC Family no longer exists? It’s now FreeForm. Now there’s a branding upgrade. FreeForm? Oh shit! I NEED to know what they’re showing. And I need to know NOW!! FREEForm! Did you hear that?! They could be showing anything!!
I’d love to know how much Disney paid some fucking consultants to think of “FreeForm” for their new brand. I’d also love to see what else they came up with but don’t use. They should just change it to “We play that corny shit, but you know you like it.”
Unfortunately, FreeFrom (RIP ABC Family) only plays like 6 Christmas movies: How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Elf, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Home Alone, The Santa Clause, and some movie staring Tyra Banks called Life Size. This led me to search for other channels that show Christmas movies 24/7. And boy did the Hallmark channel come to the rescue. Come with me on a journey through the TV guide.
Note: These movies were wack as shit, so I literally just flipped it on, took note of what was going on, and then changed it. They are super, duper corny and should not be watched for more than 15 minutes ironically. Let’s go!
Where to begin? How bout Santa Paws 2? Sure thing. I love dogs. There better be some fucking cute dogs in this movie or I’m gonna be pissed. I flipped it on to what was the last 10 minutes to see a girl with no front teeth singing “The Night That Christ Was Born” at a radio station being run by a 12-year-old boy with a black eye who is in love with her and wants to grant her her Christmas wish. Probably.
It’s also the 1920s judging by her moms outfit.
Sadly this kids voice is not very good.
The song is playing in the streets because that’s how radio works. Then we center on this guy who is either the principal of the school or mayor of the town and his faith in Christmas has been restored by this little girl’s song.
Then they cut to a still photo of an older girl running the radio station. Is she dead? What’s going on there??
Then after the song, the two kids hug. Then the midget from Seinfeld brings in a bunch of puppies, which thank fucking God! I was starting to get pissed that Santa Paws 2 didn’t have any goddamn PAWS in it. Then, holy shit! the puppies started talking! I wish I was fucking high for this.
Oh my god, there’s something with the puppies are wearing crystals and granting wishes. The black eye kid wishes for everyone to have a Merry Christmas forever, which is a nice sentiment, but I’ve seen too many movies to know that Christmas forever is a curse! Sure, you’re merry now, but how about everyday of your life for the next 40 years. Still merry? I doubt it.
Then there’s a song at the end, but it’s very clearly dubbed. And the whole town joins in. I could never be in a Christmas movie because I’d be like, “What song are we singing?!? Wait!!! You all practiced without me?”
Then the mayor/principal was holding one of the puppies who was also singing the song. This shit is ridiculous.
The 1920s lady was apparently Mrs. Claus because she gets into a sleigh. Whoops. Then all the puppies jump in the back and, holy shit, they all start talking about the lessons they learned during the movie and actually now that I think about it, it’s probably a very good idea that I’m not high because I don’t know if I could take this moment. And then Ms. Claus flies the sleigh away. The End.
Let’s flip over to A Song for Christmas to see what that’s all about.
A woman is waiting to get on a bus, as some schmoe is packing it up. “Where’s Addie?” some New Yorker-type asks the schmoe. You know he’s not from around here because he has a colored shirt and takes his coffee to go. “Already on the bus” the schmoe says. But she’s not. She’s walking over to some people setting up Christmas ornaments in someone’s front yard. I see where this is going. It’s like Home Alone without the CTE.
Has she got the Christmas spirit? Oh no, she’s interested in the small town guy who’s waaaaaayyy to good looking. Like the best looking guy in this quaint small town. Like so much so that he probably slept with a lot of the girls in the town and that’s given him a complex and he’s now just a super douche, and ironically can’t find a lady to love him because of it. Anyway, she got lost in his eyes and the bus left (not really, they actually had an argument. Apparently she’s a pop star but didn’t admit to it, and he said he didn’t like said pop star’s music, and… I don’t fucking know, the plots of these things are all the same but at the same time way too complicated). So the bus left, with her phone on it too!! Whatever will she do?!?! Fall in love? On Christmas? You betcha.
She goes into town and borrows someone’s phone???? Yeah, like that would EVER happen. You seem like a really nice person and I believe your story of getting locked out of your house, then mugged and you’re going into labor right now, but use my phone? Fuck off forever. Then she calls her manager. By dialing the number!! I literally don’t even know my wife’s phone number.
This movie is on “Hallmark Movies & Mysteries” channel so I assume the pop star is going to go missing at some point and either phone girl or handsome guy murdered her.
Speaking of Hallmark Movies & Mysteries, I saw a commercial for a movie executive produced by Blake Shelton with a bunch of people I don’t know called It’s Time for Me to Come Home for Christmas. Jesus, what a mouthful. I’m sure Blake could’ve used some of that The Voice money to buy an editor. Or are we at critical capacity for Christmas movies. Is Time to Come Home for Christmas taken? What about It’s Time for Me and Christmas? Or Come Home for Christmas in Time? How bout Me Home Christmas? Or It’s Christmastime and I’m Not Home, So It’s Time I Went Home Because It’s Christmas?
So Pop Star is now staying with Phone Girl because she’s a small town girl who’s nice to everyone. BUT!!! Handsome Guy is her brother. I think I saw another movie about this. On the internet.
Phone Girl makes wreaths in her spare time, so she teaches Pop Star how to make one. JUST LIKE SISTERS!!! She proceeds to give the world’s worst tutorial. No for real. She gives the steps rapid fire. Without any visual aids. Hold on! I’m still picking up a branch!! You’re seven steps ahead of me! Where does the ribbon go!
Anyway, Pop Star thinks she should sell the wreaths. Apparently this girl hasn’t heard of Etsy.
I lost interest in that one. They made a joke and and giggled together and it wasn’t at all funny. It was actually pretty painful. So, after I got done smashing my head into the table, I flipped over to Let it Snow.
Holy shit! It’s DJ Tanner. She’s staring at a computer, but can’t figure out what to write.
We then cut to a tough guy cutting wood. He’s so mad that he has to take his frustration out on all that wood. Apparently, (CHOP) there’s some big bad developer (CHOP) who’s buying their old house (CHOP) and redeveloping it (CHOP) and he’s just so mad about it (CHOP)(CHOP)(CHOP). And Tough Guy didn’t know how much he wanted to keep the house until he realized that wanted to share it with someone. BARF CITY! Well Dad cooked up a presentation to get that evil developer to not buy the house or some shit. Tough Guy goes back to DJ Tanner with the business plan and the two of them spend all night PowerPointing. Apparently DJ Tanner’s dad is the evil developer, so if anyone can convince him, it’s her and Tough Guy. By the way, all this is happening the day before Christmas. They showed the calendar and everything. This is probably the most unbelievable thing about this movie. How many development deals get done on Christmas? Who is at work? Hi Tim, we’ve scheduled this presentation for Christmas Eve, 2-3:30pm, can you make it? No? Why’s that? Your ENTIRE OFFICE is out for the next week? Okay then, let’s pick this up in the New Year.
I just got pissed because I learned Alan Thicke (RIP) is in this movie and I didn’t get to watch him. He totally would’ve made this 10% more bearable. Anyway, onto another one. Christmas with Holly? Sure.
Holly’s dad is in the principal’s office with Holly’s first grade teacher. Maybe it’s Holly’s brother? He’s pretty young looking, like, my age. I guess if Holly’s in first grade that might make sense. Anyway, Holly’s teacher holds up a picture of a flower that she drew, and there’s literally nothing wrong with it. Look:
That’s fridge material right there. Everything is within the lines. And she wrote her name herself.
So then they go on to say that she’s not talking in class. And Brother/Dad drops the bomb that Holly’s mom just died! And they want to send her back to kindergarten! Because she colors within the lines and doesn’t talk?! Sounds like a model student to me! What the fuck?! This is fucked. I had 10th graders that I taught and didn’t say a word. And couldn’t write their name half as good as Holly! Fuck this teacher and fuck this school. Santa better be coming to burn this motherfucker down.
I’ve definitely seen the same love interest beefcake guy in two separate Hallmark movies. Christmas in Love and A December Bride. Seems like he’s just good looking enough to get the job multiple times in a row, but not quite good looking enough to get called up to the RomCom major leagues.
I flipped on the TV one day and, lucky for me, it was already on the Hallmark Channel! And it was playing Journey Back to Christmas. Let’s see what this one is all about.
We cut in on a woman running through a snowstorm, Aww shit! It’s DJ Tanner again. She’s running because this storm’s really bad. Like worse than any real snow storm in real life ever, because this snow storm has lightning and earthquakes. She ran to a barn for cover, to escape, and then somehow got knocked out??? She wakes up, but then Oh no!!! There are kids on skateboards and phones and this guy has a car. What?! Oh man, she’s from the past and she traveled to the future in a snowstorm-earthquake. How will she get Back… To… Christmas? She better go find Doc Brown.
She got picked up by the cops and they brought her to the hospital. The nurse asked her a bunch of questions: What’s the date? (she said today’s date, BUT!!! not the year. Gotta save that big reveal for later in the movie. It’s 2015 DJ!!), where are you? (she answered whatever Christmastown they’re in), then asked who the president was and she answered “Harry S. Truman.” Oh no! Something’s not right here. Wait till she finds out the president is black!!!
Also if you told someone from 1950 that it was 2015, you may as well tell them we live on Mars. I could barely rationalize that shit when it was 1994, imagine 50 years ago.
Hmmm, lets see. A Dad for Christmas, what’s going on there?
This is where a girl puts a Craigslist ad out for her mom. They then meet various creeps and cuckolds until the woman finds one she wants to spend Christmas with.
I don’t really know if that’s the plot, it was at commercial when I flipped to it, and not much happened when it came back from the break. A girl got on a bus. I guess she didn’t get a dad for Christmas? Sorry!
There you go. I watched these movies so you don’t have to. And you shouldn’t. Like, don’t even fuck with the Hallmark Channel in late November and definitely not December. If you somehow find yourself up near channel 90, just turn the TV off before it’s too late.
Big weekend in the Toppa League, we had the 2 and 3 seeds knocked off by lower seeds. We also had the #1 seed take care of business, but just barely. We had two really close match-ups, where the higher seed won by only 9. We then had two blowouts where the lower seed crushed the higher seed. Let’s review before we preview this weekend’s match-ups.
#1 Driveway Beers 119.05
#8 Alex’s Rub and Tug 112.10
This one was a rock fight. And what else would you expect from two brothers going up against each other in the playoffs? This was one of the lowest scoring playoff match-ups in Toppa History. Going into Monday night, JD was down by 17, but had two players left to play (Russell Wilson and Tyler Locket) to JBiggs’ one (Dalvin Cook), which gave him an 80% chance to win. Wilson and Locket only put up 16 combined points, which was almost matched by Cook (14.30), and JD couldn’t pull off the upset. JD had an amazing game from Saquon Barkley, 34.7 points including two long touchdown runs of 78 and 52 yards. But the rest of JD’s team didn’t come to play. Not a single other player besides Barkley scored at or above their projected score. JBiggs got another big week from Patrick Mahomes (33.55 points) and a huge day from Julio Jones (27.60) and didn’t need much else to outlast his brother.
#7 #MainiLovesBradyUggs 165.85
#2 FulltimeShittyGuy 123.40
#MainiMagic is back! #Nick got 37.55 points from Andrew Luck, who came 1 yard short of throwing for 400 yards. #Nick also got the second-best performance of the entire week from Amari Cooper, with 217 yards and 3 TDs totaling 47.70 points. It turns out you don’t really need a whole lot else if you get 85 points from just two players. Timmy ended up with an only-decent day from most of his team. Ben Roethlisberger scored 27 points. He had 5 players in double digits but only one of them scored more than 15. He also couldn’t have picked a worse day to get only 35 yards out of Antonio Brown.
#6 Mr. BoomBoom 164.10
#3 Sauce on the Side 92.25
Below is an artist rendering of my defeat of Vegas.
The little 3-inch plastic figure is Uncle Bud. The large towheaded child is me. As you can see, I own Vegas, carrying him around and can crush him with ease in my tiny, delicate hands.
This one was pretty much over on Saturday, when OBJ was ruled out with a case of I-don’t-want-to-play-anymore-for-this-bad-football-team-itus. After the Early Sunday games, it was pretty close. I was up 55.8 to 52.45. But by the end of the Late Sunday games, the beating was on. I put up over 100 points during those games, where Vegas could only manage 40. My running back tandem of Ezekiel Elliott, Philip Lindsay and Joe Mixon combined to score 60 points. All of my players, except one, scored in double digits. On the flip side, Vegas only had 3 players scored in double digits. JuJu Smith-Schuster was the one bright spot for Vegas, putting up 31 points. Drew Brees, on the other hand, only put up 16.95 points, almost half of what he was projected to score.
#4 Woken KMICHO 135.05
#5 East Lot Pimpin’ 126.05
This was one close matchup. Brendo pulled ahead to an early 40-point lead during the Early Sunday games. Then Micho pulled ahead by just 10 in the Late window. And ahead by another 23 during Sunday night. Brendo made a game of it though, by putting up 34 points on Monday Night but ultimately falling 9 points short.
If you go through the stat sheet the matchup looks even tighter. Both were very even at WR. Each had 9 points from their WR1 (Stefon Diggs and DeAndre Hopkins). Each had a big day from their WR2 (14.6 points for Micho out of Julian Edelman and 20.5 from Tyreek Hill for Brendo). Then each got a dud from their WR3 (5.8 points combined). Their RBs were pretty even as well. Brendo got a combined 19.4 from his RBs and Micho got 17.5 from his. If you were wondering who took advantage of that 210 yards receiving from TE George Kittle in JUST the first half (36 points), it was Micho. But Brendo got 21.7 points from Gronk, so that was as close as that could be. The difference was at quarterback. Micho was able to get 23.85 points out of DeShaun Watson, while Brendo got a pretty crappy day out of Cam Newton, who scored only 14.55 points.
To the Conference Championship Games. That much closer to Toppa glory.
West Lot Conference Championship Game
#4 Woken KMICHO (9-5) vs. #6 Mr. BoomBoom (8-6)
This is one the networks have been salivating over. It’s the Meesh Monster vs the Blog Boy. Dr. Spice vs Mr. BoomBoom. It’s two of the OG’s of Toppa Leauge. And “OG” stands for “Old Guys.” This matchup is sponsored by Depends. But the cool, middle age, underwear Depends that Edelman wears. We’re not THAT old. Micho and I are the only two teams to ever win 11 games in a SZN. This is also a rematch of Toppa Bowl II. Micho is hoping to get revenge and I’m hoping my team can make it just one more week.
Previous Matchup: In Week 9, Micho beat my by 30 points, 158.80 to 128.60. Micho had the second best overall performance of that week from Jared Goff, who put up 48 points. Micho also got 23 points each from James White and Melvin Gordon III. I had a week where the majority of my team scored under their projected totals and my highest scoring player was the Miami defense. Which is not what you want.
Key Players for Woken KMICHO: Micho’s once again is not delivering his final starting lineup until game day. He’ll have to make a decision tonight however, because Melvin Gordon III and the Chargers are matched up against the Chiefs. Gordon is the 3rd best running back in the league in terms of average fantasy points per game, but he’s missed the last two weeks with a knee injury. Micho also hopes he can get another 200-yard performance out of George Kittle. And once again, he’ll be deciding between Jared Goff at home against Philly and DeShaun Watson at the NY Football Jets.
Key Players for Mr. BoomBoom: Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, RUN! That’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna give the ball to Phillip Lindsay, Zeke Elliott, and Joe Mixon and let them do their thing. Also, we’re gonna hope Phallic Phil Rivers has a much better week than last week.
East Lot Championship Game
#1 Driveway Beers (10-4) vs. #7 #MainiLovesBradyUggs (8-6)
If JBiggs is going to prove himself to be the first number 1-seed to win a championship, he’s going to have to go through yet another Toppa Champ. I mean, he’s basically the Red Sox, guys. Best team in the league all year. Favorite in the playoffs, but has to defeat some of the best teams to win the the championship. The similarities are striking. I’m sure JBiggs is loving it.
That first sentence, of course made me think that there is one more team who has won the championship left in the playoffs: Me. Of course, if this little trend were to continue, then I’d lose in the Toppa Bowl.
Previous Matchups: JBiggs and #Maini have played twice this year, each winning once. In Week 1 of the SZN, JBiggs started what, at the time, none of us knew would be a SZN of dominance. He beat up on #Nick by over 30 points, 149.25 to 118.30. JBiggs used his second round pick on Tom Brady, and it paid off, because he scored 30 points in the opening week. And just like George Michael, the very next day he was traded away. JBiggs also got almost 60 combined points from Todd Gurley and James Conner. #Nick had a good week from Kirk Cousins and Emmanuel Sanders, each putting up over 26 points. But #Nick couldn’t overcome having five players in single digits, three of which combined for under 5 points.
But in Week 12, #Maini would get his #revenge. #Nick spanked the best team in the league at the time, 188.45 to 114.40. The teams looked very different at this point in time. #Nick had switched out Cousins for Andrew Luck at QB, and he scored 36 points. Of course, Cousins scored the second-highest score of the week on the #MainiBench. But the third-highest scoring player of Week 12, Amari Cooper, was in the #MainiLineup, scoring 41 points. This time it was JBiggs with a bunch of players in single digits (6), including three who combined for under 7 points.
Key Players for Driveway Beers: JBiggs somehow survived last week with a bad week from Todd Gurley. I imagine a lot of high seeded teams around the country weren’t so lucky (Imagine having Todd Gurley and Drew Brees, probably the 1 or 2 seed and losing in the first round). JBiggs will hope Gurley gets back on track to his almost 25 points per game. He’s also hoping another of his running backs gets back on track, and that’s James Conner. Conner is leading the league in rushing touchdowns, but was out last week with an injury. He’s questionable this week, so it’s going to be nerve racking for both these guys to see if he plays. Turns out Patrick Mahomes is very good at football.
Key Players for #MainiLovesBradyUggs: #Nick is hoping he will continue see the Cowboys version of Amari Cooper. Since joining the Cowboys he has 640 yards and 6 TDs. Travis Kelce has only 3 games with single digit fantasy points this year. He had a “bad” week last week with “only” 77 yards and a touchdown. As of right now, #Maini is starting Kirk Cousins over Andrew Luck, but both guys are projected to score 10 points less than Mahomes.
Here we go!!! Conference Championship weekend! Winners go to the Toppa Bowl!! And what a game to kick it off. Tonight it’s Chargers at Chiefs (-3.5). What a game. If only I got some Blue vs. Red ColorRush to go with it.
Set you lineups and make your picks. Micho, your lineup is set, so don’t worry about it. Have a good weekend!