Power Rankings

2018 Pre-Toppa Draft PowerRankings

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Sorry that this post isn’t on the usual Thursday, I just got a new job and so I’m not comfortable enough to pretend like I’m working but instead am writing a blog. As for doing it after hours, at home, well… Succession is a really good TV show. But don’t worry, your boy’s got you covered. I made sure to take four dumps on Thursday to get that blogging time in.

Team names. I always hate this part of Toppa SZN. It’s so much pressure to be funny. It’s something you have to live with the whole year. And 20 characters is not enough for me, the guy who once wrote 5000 words about Daily Fantasy.

A little while back, I read an article about how this scientist lady used a Neural Network to make up names for new Dungeons & Dragons creatures. If you don’t know what a Neural Network is, that’s cool. It’s exactly what the name means. Neural means “brain” and Network means “computery stuff.” So, it’s a “brain computer.” She basically took a huge list of existing Dungeons & Dragons creatures and fed it into the brain computer, and then ran a program that spit out a bunch of new names. I thought this was the (**huge dork alert**) coolest thing ever. My thought was, it’d be cool if you could do this for fantasy football team names. But I’m not enough of a scientist lady to figure out how to do that. Fortunately for me, the scientist lady provided her Neural Network for free. I was able to figure out how to feed it a file with a bunch of fantasy football team names and run the damn thing.

Very, very, veryveryveryveryvery basically you give the brain computer a list of stuff and it runs iterations of where it reads it, then tries to spit out something that resembles the list. So, I took almost a thousand fantasy football team names taken from various websites and fed it to the brain computer. I then let it run for about 2 days. I figured this would kill to birds with one stone, give me an interesting team name and a blog post and all I’d have to do is let the brain computer do its thing.

Early on it was pretty much straight gibberish. After a little while, it almost started looking like English, but it was still unrecognizable. Most of the words looked like places in Game of Thrones. Or Welsh.

This exercise also picked up some additional pressure a little while in. When I was staring at my computer screen for multiple hours, reading this:

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BoomBoom asked me what I was doing. When I explained the concept to her, she laughed, because for some reason she thinks my stupid ideas are funny (please don’t leave me). Then she said, “Can you give me one of the names for my Picks League?” I looked at the gibberish on the screen, looked at her and said “Sure!”

About half an hour in, I checked the terminal and “Gronk Humb” popped up on the screen. The computer was one letter off from creating a team name that would work (“Gronk Hump”). At that moment I had the thought that computers were way too smart and a SkyNet situation is totally going to happen in the next like 8 years. I was able to make myself feel better, however, by realizing that while we, as a species, are able to create incredibly smart machines, we only use them for dumb stuff like creating fantasy football team names and sexbots.

A little while later, I saw: “TeltamEan” This is obviously the computer trying to figure out the various team names that contain “Edelman”. It’s like this robot coming up to you, tilting its head to the side, and saying “Edelman? What is Edel Man?” Then using its robotic claws to pull the skin off your face while screaming “EDEL MAAAAANNNN!”

So after about two days, the Neural network had run about 120,000 iterations. This translates to a 20MB Word File that was about 4000 pages long. I skimmed this document for your reading pleasure. Here are the results:

There were a bunch of outputs that were so close to being something, but then ended up sounding like a Mad Lib done by a drunk 5 year old:

  • Green Eggs and Coushewl ffe Dirty Hake a Roadway My D. prion
  • Dak to Evan’t Call Me os the,’s Stroles
  • Dez Dise in a Rivers Breek Doggy Like You
  • Ladies and Eded a Rio Chamer, Whowa She the Bell

By the end, the brain computer had figured out the common player names inside many of the team names, but it was still having trouble stringing them together in a way that was anything comprehensible:

  • Gronkwiffork Aga Flesthy Lane’-Had and Thielen & o kot Lamol Watt

Speaking of Gronk… It turns out Gronk was great for this little experiment. One, he’s used in a TON of fantasy team names, so the brain computer learned his name quickly. And two, Gronk’s name can be used in so many different contexts: noun, verb, adjective, past-participle-future-perfect. As you’ll see, Gronk kind works everywhere:

  • Big Gronk
  • The Big Gronkeen
  • The Big Gronkotion
  • Big Gronkin’ Jamaal Me!
  • Forte Your Big Gronk
  • Big Gronker Cars
  • Big Gronkee
  • The Big Gronkayor
  • The Big Gronkoy
  • The Big Gronkers
  • Gronk Bambox
  • Go Gronk

I’m partial to The Big Gronkotion and Gronk Bambox. I will definitely be screaming “GRONK BAMBOX” every time Gronk scores a touchdown this year. I also feel like I could send this list to Gronk as a list of potential nicknames, and he’d be like “Yo, this list is sick. Signed, The Big Gronkoy.”

There was then a period of time where I thought the brain computer was coming on to me, because it started giving me all kinds of dirty team names:

  • Sex
  • All Dick!
  • My Balls
  • Dirty Lasber!
  • The Knittholed
  • Jacking
  • It’s Out
  • Dirty Hurnatip

The Dirty Lasber and Dirty Hurnatip sound like really awful, disgusting sex maneuvers that a senior tells you about freshman year. Knittholed I’m ready to bring into common slang. “Dude you really knittholed me right there!” Kinda works, right? All Dick! is pretty hilarious.

Okay here’s a bunch more that worked almost worked or were ridiculous:

  • The Dog
  • Bigg Dak
  • Baller My Numa
  • Ham!
  • No Sox
  • Shake Your Brees and Cam
  • Dak and You Whip The Gurley Gaff
  • Fake Squad
  • No Run?
  • Mr. Go
  • Dissing Lacy
  • Make and Mr Furley
  • or a Rivers
  • Insane Claper Billin’
  • Diggs and Watttide
  • Zeke Your TDs
  • Turn of the Dead
  • Dudes
  • Mr. Dak a Lucket Nate
  • to be the Bead
  • Forty Name
  • Flaccorda
  • From Wentz You Dez
  • Peppin’
  • manicurd Bro?
  • Make Your TD
  • Free is Bree
  • Gone the Chame Brady
  • Watty to Evans
  • Hen Fod and Tyreek
  • Luck Forte’s Hud iaken
  • Hat wacky
  • Batch a Rivers
  • It’s Ajayi Down of Forters
  • Luck Yo Vs a Rumbon
  • Le’Veon the Beck
  • Zeke Your Tite
  • Brown Hood
  • Wit Fuppers
  • Slow Get Dak a Lunch
  • Blowerls?
  • Dinnin’ For Name
  • It’s Tuct Dilla
  • Fake a Brady
  • Kiss Tate Work Watt
  • Ertz You Manziel and It
  • X More the for Name
  • Dunky Hayfeek
  • A Zeke Squados
  • I Play Go Brady

But wait. That list is not complete, because I’ve saved my favorites for last:

  • Name

I almost felt like the brain computer was trolling me at this point

  • The Gut Boom

Perfect football name

  • Poppin’ Woodhere

This one sounds real

  • Bro?

Bro? Bro. Bro! Bro? BRO!

  • Reeses!

Once I saw this one, I knew I was on to something with this brain computer shit.

  • The lol!

LOL doesn’t exist in the original list of team names. This was one of the moments when I thought we’re definitely going to be taken over by giant robots.

  • zone Reindeer!

This could be a real football play. Even though it’s stupid, I can picture a linebacker on the field screaming “ZONE REINDEER! ZONE REINDEER MOTHERFUCKER!”

  • 80% Men
  • Ladies in Charge

I think the brain computer was trying to fight for women’s equality in fantasy football

  • Baby for You

Did my mom write this one?

  • Whonice?

WHOOO’SSSSS NIIIICE?????? RHHHYYYYSSS NIIIICEEEE!!!!!

  • Hot Watt

It rhymes. I’m not the best judge, but it could be true. It works.

  • Sigh At Rivers

This is quite nice and calming. I too, like to look at a river and give a nice, relaxing sigh. Or if you’re a Chargers fan, in the 4th quarter when Phil Rivers throws that final back-breaking pick, you just let out a big sigh.

  • Tootin the Ride

Sometimes I do toot…. The whole ride.

  • No Super Gay!

Whoa there brain computer! It’s 2018. Yes, Super Gay.

  • Drink is my livers

Truer words have never been spoken

Pre-Toppa Draft #PowerRanks

So we have 4 little Tecmo helmets this year. 4 people who couldn’t have been bothered to upload a picture of Tom Brady, or a football, or a beer they were holding, or some random cat from the internet. And I can hear you say, “Fuck you RhysNice, you didn’t even have your team name updated by your deadline.” Well I say, figure out how to run a Python script that randomly generates Fantasy Football team names and then come back to me.

I try not to look at the team names until I’m ready to write this post. It makes the rankings feel truer that way. I also try to guess what team name goes to whomst. I was 9 for 11. Good job guys, we’re friends! Also 3 of you used your names in your actual team names.

12. Woken KMICHO

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KMICHO woke? I’ll believe it when I see it. And even then, I’ll need to be convinced.

11. WHOOObaDANK

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Ah yes, referencing a band that was popular when I was a senior in high school. And there’s no “retro coolness” to this reference. I came of age in the single shittiest time for music, ever.

Also, it’s 2018, we’re white, and we all no longer live with our parents, weed is normal.

Shhhhhhh…. Micho and JeffWho have the same helmet avatar. Heart emoji. Heart emoji. Winking, kissing face emoji.

10. Driveway Beers🍻🏈👀

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A name like this is tough. I like it. It brings me joy to think about driveway beers. In fact, I should probably do another Experience Beer Ranking and include them. But it’s just not creative enough.

Also emoji are annoying to put into a WordPress post. Thanks.

9. FulltimeShittyGuy

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I didn’t even get the “City Guy” pun until I said it out loud. I just kinda thought Timmy was just kind being self-deprecating. Gets wasted and spills beer everywhere: “Eh, I’m a shitty guy.” I mean you can’t argue with that. In fact, you kinda have to respect it.

Timmy is officially the best of the “No avatar, I’m wack as hell, I couldn’t even upload a picture” club.

8. Chef Poissonnier Rae

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Look, I’m just as up on my Wu-Tangology as every other 35 year old white guy, but I don’t get this one. I tried. I did. But I just don’t know if there’s a joke here that I’m missing, or Buckets was taking J-Mo to the beach listening to Only Built 4 Cuban Linx and was like “Yeah Boy, this shit bangs!” pulled out his phone and named his team after a Wu Tang deep cut.

What I do know is that Raekwon is almost 50!!!!! I think I put out my back just thinking about it.

By the way, I saw the hottest rap of the summer a couple weeks back. Buckets you’ve got your work cut out for you:

View this post on Instagram

The original "sausage" rap (via ruiner/Twitter)

A post shared by Best Celebrations (@bestcelebrations) on

7. Alex’s Rub and Tug

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MMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmeh

6. #MainiLovesBradyUggs

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I received this text from #Nick today:

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A couple things are at play here: either he was SO excited that he sent this text to everyone in Toppa League individually, or in searching for the group text he typed “RH” and then hit send. Because while Toppa League is a band of brothers, I honestly don’t know #Nick on a texting one-on-one level. But maybe he was ready to board his flight, had a couple beers at the airport bar (another beer to be ranked, btw), and was like “I bet RhysNice is writing them PowerRanks, Imma tell him I’m souped” and if he did, I feel honored. That’s dope. I too know the excitement of traveling home for Toppa Draft. Holy shit, I got super sidetracked. This is a (sorry) long winded way in saying I think #Maini should adopt fuggin as his way of repping Tom Brady. The man wears Uggs and he’s the best fuggin quarterback of all time. He’s Tom Fuggin Brady.

5. Toppa Lot Pimpin’

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I sadly have no GIF for Brendo this year. But it’s good to know someone is carrying the torch and representing Toppa League in East Lot. He may not be drinking as many Miller Lights out there, but Brendo’s definitely working just as hard as old man Toppa was. Which is to say, not really working hard, barely caring and miscounting the money. Keep up the good work Brendo.

Also props for finding a picture of specifically East Lot and not Easton’s Beach. Strong.

4. Sauce on the Side

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This motherfucker ordered a dozen wings and got his buffalo sauce on the side. Now, he’ll tell you it’s so he can dip it and get the perfect amount of sauce on each bite or some shit, but that’s not the real reason. He’s just a little pansy-boy who can’t handle the heat and doesn’t like to get his fingies messy. But I do have to respect the confidence with which he ordered those wings with the sauce on the side.

3. Mud Slide Wood

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I almost fell for this one. I was like, “Hell yeah, mudslides! Delicious! Toppa Draft! Gettin’ blackout drunk and diabetes!” But then Woody told me about MSW stands for “Mud Slide Wood” but also his kids’ initials. Again!? Again with the fucking kids’ names in your team names. We get it, you have kids. You love them. They’re special to you. Blah blah blah. Buckets has like 14 kids and he named his team after his favorite Wu Tang member.

Also, I saw Mary at the grocery store the other day and she REFUSED to say hi. The other one won’t say hi to me either! I’m out on these Wood kids.

2. Mr. BoomBoom

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As much as I enjoyed my little computer experiment, I felt like I should celebrate my recent nuptials.

And this team name works. It’s self deprecating. It’s totally, 100% a joke, that’s not at all true. I am the pants wearer in our relationship. RhysNice, all pants.

None of the brain computer team names really spoke to me; at least, one didn’t really jump out over all the others. I also didn’t want to have the conversation where someone asks me my team name and I have to say something like “Gronk Vorper. Yeah, I fed a thousand fantasy football team names into a Neural Network for a blog I write for my friends and that was one of the names it generated. Here is the best place to grab my underwear for a wedgie.”

Instead I can be like: (nods head toward BoomBoom) “She’s Jenny BoomBoom and I’m Mr. BoomBoom.” I think it’s gonna be much better for my social anxiety.

Plus it might get me laid.

1. AND mccourty TWINS!!

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God this shit is so fucking perfect.

Tomorrow’s the day. I feel like “LET’S GOOOOO!” is a little over used at this point, like a dude on Instagram posts a video of the waitress putting down his eggs and he captions it: “LET’S GOOOO!”

All that said, Toppa Draft VIII is tomorrow LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

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