Warning: this motherfucker is long. Like 5000 words long. Don’t read this on the toilet at work. Your legs are going to fall asleep. Or worse, the automatic motion detector light will go out, and that’s scary as hell. Have you every been alone, bare butt cheeks on the toilet, in a pitch black public bathroom? It’s frightening. 

I, like you, couldn’t help but notice a metric shitton of FanDuel and DraftKings commercials during the first week of the NFL. It’s no wonder because the two companies combined to spend more the $32 million in advertising, during that first week (repeat, week), which resulted in over 11,000 commercial airings for DraftKings and 2,600 airings for FanDuel. Again, that’s in a WEEK. Assuming 30 second commercials, that’s 3 hours and 45 minutes of Daily Fantasy commercials. That means if you watched football all day on Sunday and Monday night, you watched an additional football game’s worth of commercials for just DraftKings and FanDuel.

Most of the commercials are generic. DraftKings show a bunch of sweaty, pasty white guys in their 30s and 40s anxiously watching football games in what looks like a sports book. Then you see them win to be covered in champagne and given a million dollar novelty check. FanDuel gives you the same pasty white guys in their 30s and 40s providing testimonials about how much they’ve won, how easy it is and how much they don’t miss their ex-wives. I’m a huge fan of this guy:

349 bucks! Congratu-fucking-lations Bradley. You’re really rolling in dough, buddy. You can probably take your mom, dad and all your buddies out to Red Lobster with those winnings. All you can eat crab legs? You betcha! Tonight we dine like kings! DRAFT kings!!

But it’s not just that. The commercials are stupid and annoying and overwhelming, but it’s the way Daily Fantasy has shoved itself into every other nook and cranny of sports culture. I saw a 10 minute segment on SportsCenter all about DraftKings on opening night. They claimed they were covering it due to the game’s rising popularity, but this is about as transparent as Coors Light Cold Hard Facts. I get Daily Fantasy alerts and push notifications on my phone from the Yahoo Fantasy app. Fantasy podcasts and articles, like this one where Matthew Berry mentioned Draft Kings 29 times in his Week 1 Love/Hate (and justifiably got shit on Twitter for it), are geared  more than normal towards DFS, again claiming the rising popularity.

It’s fucking everywhere. Even my mom heard about Daily Fantasy on goddamn NPR. I was having a conversation with Boom Boom about this and she goes, “Oh, is that Daily Fantasy? I saw a show about that.” I thought she just mixed it up and was talking about all the commercials (you know how these broads are), but holy shit! She was right. There is a FUCKING SHOW about DFS on TV. Even at this very moment, I get the red squiggly line if I type “Draft Kings” in this Google Doc. They’ve paid Google money to spellcheck their name!

The even got to my man Scott! The glory that is the RedZone channel is now sponsored by DraftKings.

The biggest thing that annoyed me was when I saw an ad for it during The League this season. Not in a commercial break, mind you, there was an ad DURING THE FUCKING SHOW. When the guys sat down on the couch and seamlessly said “Hey have you ever thought about trying DraftKings?” I got fucking pissed. Then it happened again the next week.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve asked yourself once or twice during these commercials, “How the fuck is this legal?!?” I mean you put money in, make some choices that, in the end, are entirely based on luck, and maybe or maybe not you win money. The NFL pretends there aren’t lines on games, but yet they’ll take all this DFS money with open arms (every team in the league has a partnership with either DraftKings or FanDuel)? I can’t sign up for Bovado in New York because online gambling is illegal. But somehow I can sign up for DraftKings?

But don’t worry, if you had any doubt whether or not DraftKings was legal, they’re sure to tell you:

3 times! Any time someone goes out of their way to tell me something is “100% legal” 3 times, I’m immediately skeptical. Yeah those “Vitality” pills they sell at the bodega on the corner that are “guaranteed” to make my dick bigger AND make me last longer are legal too. I don’t really trust those either.

I fell down a pretty huge rabbit hole researching how legal or illegal DraftKings is. The short answer? Kinda.

The line they sell you is that Daily Fantasy is a game of skill, not a game of chance. But that’s as much bullshit as Skittles tasting like the rainbow. People who are successful playing poker have skills. They are calculating percentages of the next card to come up, what the odds are of their opponent’s hands, etc. You could also argue that the research and “skill” it takes to put together a solid fantasy lineup are not that different from the ones you would use to make an informed bet on a game’s moneyline. On the flip side of the coin, let’s say I’ve used all my FANTASY SKILLS to figure out the best lineup possible. I’ve done my research to figure out my wide receiver is going to be in a good mood because he enjoys the stripclubs in Atlanta and he’s also got a great matchup against a cornerback with other things on his mind since his baby momma is suing him for $50,000. That guy could snap his leg in four places in the first quarter. Or they could just run the ball a lot. Sounds like to luck to me.

By letter of the law, Daily Fantasy is legal. Their whole argument hinges on one line in the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act. Which, interestingly, is part of the Security and Accountability For Every Port Act of 2006, because when you’re making laws about the protection of the United States’ seaports, be sure to include online gambling? Our government is so fucking weird. Some old white guy (because they all are) wanted to pass a law about Online Gambling and threw it into this other law about the protection of seaports. But then some other old white guy said they would only support that part of the law if it excluded fantasy sports. I’m sure the congress fantasy league is pretty sick. Sike! It’s probably boring as shit. I bet they do all play, but they’re each in an 8-team league with standard scoring and everyone has boring-ass team names. Definitely nothing exciting like tight end as a Flex.

Back to the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act. It states that a “bet” is basically everything you’d think it is (the “risking by any person of something of value upon the outcome of a contest of others”) except “it does not include”

participation in any fantasy or simulation sports game … [that] meets the following conditions:

(I) All prizes and awards offered to winning participants are established and made known to the participants in advance of the game … and their value is not determined by the number of participants or the amount of any fees paid by those participants.

This they do

(II) All winning outcomes reflect the relative knowledge and skill of the participants and are determined predominantly by accumulated statistical results of the performance of [athletes] in multiple real-world sporting … events.

This they can claim. It takes skill to predict that Devonta Freeman would score 3 TDs right?

(III) No winning outcome is based—

(aa) on the score, point-spread, or … performances of any single real-world team or any combination of such teams; or

True

(bb) solely on any single performance of an individual athlete in any single real-world sporting or other event.

This is the one they hang their hats on.  Technically, the outcome is based on multiple performances by athletes in multiple events. So they’re site is legal.

But! One could argue, that the outcome of #Nick’s loss this week, for example, was based on the performance by one, Calvin Johnson. I would fucking LOVE to see this in court!

TL;DR – As long as

1. Fantasy teams don’t exactly mirror a real ones (eg. Your fantasy team can’t be every player on the New England Patriots, because then you’d be gambling on the New England Patriots),
2. You tell people how much they can win beforehand and it doesn’t fluctuate with the amount of people in the tournament (this is why the say “$250K Guaranteed” so often. They have to give that money away regardless if there’s 10 or 10,000 people in the tournament),
3. You claim that participants know something about what they are doing,
4. Winning is based on statistical results of players in games events and not the game itself,
5. Results are based on more than one player,

Then you can totally have a gambling site. Ahem, sorry, a Daily Fantasy site.

Quick hits about the sketchiness of DFS sites:

• The New York Times reports a man who works for DraftKings recently won $350,000 on FanDuel after using week 3 lineup data that was released to DraftKings employees.
• An industry insider claims that “a significant number of the whales at the top DFS sites are employees – often executives – of other sites.”
• There is a governing body meant to regulate the fairness and legality of Fantasy Sports. The CEOs of DraftKings and FanDuel are two of the heads of that governing body.
• DraftKings recently got a $250 million investment from Disney, who owns none other than ESPN.

So, enough background about what a sketchy company they are, let’s discuss the DraftKings experience.

I signed up using the promo code VEGA, which I can only assume is related to the Street Fighter II character (who was AWESOME). VEGA promised me $600! For Free! But it turns out I only get $600 extra if I spend $600. Fuck you. You are liars! Already I feel cheated.

In college I used to stand outside my buddies’ frat house when they had parties and would advertise “Free Beer. 5 bucks” Now if beer costs 5 bucks, it’s not free. But, it was the cup that cost 5 bucks and then the beer was all-you-could-drink. If you think really hard, it makes sense…. I was lucky to graduate. Anyway, that feels like a better deal than the one these supposed kings are giving me.

I signed up with the $25 minimum and was promised 25 extra bucks and a free entry, a $3 value. Upon signing up, I got this email:

Dear Rhys,

Thank you!

Why, you’re welcome!

Your $25.00 deposit has been accepted. Your confirmation number is VPRYDGM2BAGFKHVDW3WH.

Jesus Christ! That’s the longest confirmation number ever. How would I ever be expected to remember that? I sound like Floyd Mayweather trying to read it out loud.

You can always view your Pending Bonus balance along with other bonus details on your My Account page.

My pending bonus balance eh? That doesn’t sound at all sketchy. I trust you.

Now get started claiming your FREE $3 entry and winning real cash!

If you also gave me 3 free dollars, shouldn’t my Account say $28 instead of $25?

Regards,

DraftKings Payment Team

So I’ve signed up, what do I do now? I am sent to their draft lobby and holy shit is it overwhelming. No wonder they have so much money to advertise all over the place, there is A LOT to choose from. Let’s join some shit and see how it goes…

NFL $250K Flea Flicker #2 [$250,000 Guaranteed]

I entered this competition for only $5. I’m playing against 57,500 other people for the chance at $250,000. That’s less than a .002% chance. But it’s guaranteed!!! Also if I come in 11,000th place, I get 10 bucks. Which would be cool.

At QB, I went with Tyrod Taylor ($5800), since he’s like the 4th or 5th highest scoring QB in fantasy but is still relatively cheap. At RB, I thought I’d exploit some terrible defenses with Latavius Murrary ($6300) playing Chicago and Melvin Gordon ($4900) playing Cleveland. For WR, I grabbed Julio Jones ($9300) because he’s a monster and thought he was the one player worth the price and then filled in with Allen Robinson ($5500) and Michael Crabtree ($4600), who both were relatively cheap but had decent matchups. I went with Martellus Bennett ($4500) for my TE since he was cheap and Oakland is ranked last against the TE. I grabbed James Jones ($5300) at my Flex, since DraftKings is PPR and I thought he might get into the endzone again. I picked the Chargers ($2800) for my DST because I thought there was a chance the Cleveland was really bad and couldn’t score.

I actually later entered this lineup into another challenge, the NFL $40K Button Hook [$40,000 Guaranteed], by just tapping a button on the DraftKings app. That one cost $9. Gone with a tap. That’s not dangerous at all and super convenient. I hope my banking app has the ability to take out a second mortgage with just a single tap too.

Result: My team scored 109 points. Most of my team underperformed, except for Martellus Bennett. I came in 33,873rd place in the $250K contest and 3463rd place of 4962 contestants in the $40K contest. So, no money. Turns out it’s not as easy as the unathletic-looking white guys in the commercials make it look.

NFL $2 Head-to-Head

I’m matched up against a guy (presumably) named Ridgerunner. Let’s hope he’s doing this to write a blog post about it too. Maybe I should email him and ask him about his experience. But it turns out there is no way to communicate with your fellow degenerate gamblers. There really should be*. At the very least, you should be able to do some lighthearted shit talking with your head-to-head opponent. I really wanted to know if Ridgerunner’s marriage was on the rocks because most of his paycheck goes to DraftKings, his cable sports package and 30 packs of Milwaukee’s Best. Or if he’s just some kid at Fresno State, who gambles with his parents money, who will then grow up to waste his paycheck on gambling, his cable sports package and 30 packs of Milwaukee’s Best.

*There actually was, it just was only activated once the games began. Also, it’s integrated with Facebook, so fuck that. Knowing DraftKings advertisement policies, it would probably post “Rhys said ‘Eat a dick’ on DraftKings!! Play for free for a chance at a million dollars!” on my wall, even if I told it not to.

This lineup was a bit better. I didn’t make the rookie mistake of just taking the best player and building my team around them. I tried to build my team around good but not too expensive recievers: Randall Cobb ($7400), Brandon Marshall ($6800), Steve Smith ($6200), and Amari Cooper ($6300). I used Bennett as my TE again. Then tried to go elite RB with Eddie Lacy ($6900) and high-upside, scrub RB, Duke Johnson ($3100). I then grabbed Joe Flacco ($6000) and the Packers D ($2700)

Result: Duke Johnson, Brandon Marshall and Bennett went off with over 20 points each. Amari Cooper and the Packers D each scored around 15. Ridgerunner trotted out Aaron Rodgers, Jamaal Charles, Karlos Williams, Larry Fitzgerald, Julio Jones, Steve Smith Sr., Kyle Rudolph, Thomas Rawls, and the Packers D. Somehow, I won. Reading through that lineup again, I can’t believe I won. But I did! I’m now $3.60 richer baby!! FEEL THE RUSH!!

Soc $500 Nutmeg [$500 Guaranteed] (EPL)

$2 entry. Why not right? I know more about EPL than anyone I know. That doesn’t say terribly much, but still, I should be okay at this.

The way DraftKings does the EPL is stupid. They don’t let you pick the whole weekend, you only get to pick from the games on Saturday or Sunday. This would be like being able to only pick from NFL Sunday early or late games to choose your team. So I picked Sunday, which featured a Merseyside Derby of Everton-Liverpool, Swansea City playing Tottenham and Man U playing Arsenal in North London. When I read that I thought “Shit! That’s 3 wicked good games AND there’s early morning football on at the same time! Good thing my mom is staying the weekend!”

I grabbed Tim Howard ($4700) as my keeper right off the bat, because he’s an American Hero. I then went with Eric Dier ($5100) from Tottenham because he’s a defender who scores goals. Plus, any time you can have a guy with the nickname Dierwolf on your team, you gotta do it. I filed in the other defender spot with Neil Taylor ($3900) because he was one of the only guys averaging a decent amount of points for a really low price. He seemed to have a good amount of crosses, which apparently score points. I filled in my forwards next and grabbed Bafetimibi Gomis ($8000) and Romelu Lukaku ($9700). Coming into the game they were like 5th and 3rd in goals, respectively. I knew Lukaku would have a bunch of shots playing against a Liverpool defense filled with holes. And Gomis celebrates like this every time he scores:

So that’s fun. I then had to fill in my midfield, so why not go with Phillipe Coutinho ($8300)? I had to go with the tiny Brazilian because not only is he Boom Boom’s favorite player, but he’s also a threat to score from anywhere. Like this:

I then grabbed another cheap guy with average stats, Daley Blind ($3200). Another one who crosses a lot and should play 90 minutes (I think you get points for that too). Lastly, I chose Danny Ings ($7000) as my Flex. I knew with Benteke out, Ings would get the start for Liverpool and would probably get up to stuff, like he always does, so he’d be good for a couple shots and maybe a penalty drawn.

Result: This one was dangerous because fantasy soccer is SUPER random. You’re basically trying to guess which 20 guys out of like 200 are going to score goals. 45 minutes into the first game, Everton-Liverpool, Inges and Lokaku both scored! Look at this:

Dreams of my new manhattan luxury apartment were circulating in my head at 9:15am. By 11:30, I was back in my shitty apartment in Harlem. Lokaku (20.5 points) and Inges (15) were basically the only two guys who put up points on my team. Nobody else scored more than 7.5 points and the Dierwolf put up a goose egg. My team scored 59 total points. I came in 97th out of 290, for zero dollars.

NAS $100K King of the Speedway Qualifier #6

Because…sure!

I drafted Kyle Busch ($10,200) because I’d heard of him and literally thought “I think he’s good.” I then doubled down and grabbed Kyle’s brother, Kurt*, ($9000) because nothing says NASCAR to me like a bunch of Busches. I then tried to fill out my team with guys who had the best combination of interesting/stupid/silly names, reasonable price and top-10 finishes. I picked Dale Jr ($8500), even though I kinda didn’t want to because he’s so well known that he’s an obvious, and therefore uninteresting, pick. But it turns out he’s good at a driving car in a circle and the price was pretty good. For the rest of my team, I ended up with Ryan Newman ($6900), Martin Truex Jr ($9300), and Sam Hornish Jr ($6000). Those are some guys.

So there we go, I officially threw away $3 to gamble on car racing. A qualifying event at that, not even a real race.

*I have no idea if they’re even related.

Result: I kinda have no idea how I did with this. Kyle Busch came in second, whatever that means for a qualifier. He got me 78 points. But I still came in 2710th place out of 4705 teams. Once again, no money.

NFL $3 Play-Action [$3,000 Guaranteed]

At about noon on Sunday I still had about $10-$15 left in my account, so I decided why not throw another team into the mix. That’s a good way to gamble money, right? Why not? But this was the ideal way to experience this product. I picked my team using the app while taking the bus. I looked one of those tools in the commercials, sitting on the bus, staring at my phone, picking a team, throwing money away. This one I tried to mix in a lot more of the bargain, boom-bust guys. I went with Derek Carr ($5300) at QB (I apparently loved that Chicago matchup for Oakland all week). I was sure to take Karlos Williams ($3400) as one of my RBs, which left me with enough to take Eddie Lacy ($6900) again. At WR, I just looked at NumberFire’s Value rankings and grabbed anyone with a good score. I ended up with Randall Cobb ($7400) again, Percy Harvin ($4600) and DeAndre Hopkins ($7300). Guess who I went with for TE? Martellus Bennett ($4500). I grabbed the Browns DST ($2700) and then had enough to fill in Jamaal Charles ($7600) as my Flex.

Result: Wanna guess? This team did slightly better than the other team I picked, scoring 130 points. I came in 311th out of 1150. That’s the top third of all the teams! Unfortunately, only the top 230 get paid, so again, I won nothing.

Final Result: I signed up for DraftKings, got a free $25 dollar credit, got a free game, and won $3.60.

OR

I gave DraftKings $25 of my money. The said they’d give me $25 more dollars but they didn’t*. They said they’d let me play for free once (a $3 value) but I couldn’t figure out how to redeem that. I paid $21 dollars of my money to play 6 games, and lost $16.40. This shit is dumb. There is no way to actually win money playing these games. I’m really interested to know if the winnings of the guys in the commercials is net or gross. You gotta think it’s gross right? You gotta play alotta games and put up a shit ton of money in order to see any kind of return.

*I learned that your bonus money gets released to you a dollar at a time. What do you have to do to get each dollar released? Well, you have to play their Daily Fantasy games to earn Frequent Player Points (FPP). If you earn 100 FPP, they give you a dollar. I had 96 FPP after spending $21. So by a rough estimation, in order to spend $25 to get $25, you actually have to play $500 worth of games to get $25. “Free Beer. Five Bucks.” sounds like a fucking steal after this.

Conclusion: Daily Fantasy Sports is legal, but is definitely gambling and should be advertised as such. No matter how many times you say “But it’s legal!!” doesn’t necessarily make it a product that’s good for people. Their claims of “Play for Free” are confusing at best. I have yet to get my $3 entry to play the Million Dollar tournament. There are some free games, but they don’t win you any money. It’s clearly run by sketchy people doing sketchy things to make as much money as possible. But you certainly won’t see any of that money. This was a fascinating read (if for some reason you want to read EVEN MORE!) and says that of all the winning lineups each day the top 100 average 330 of them, and the top 10 average 873 wins. That leaves just 13 winning lineups to the rest of the 20,000 remaining daily fantasy players. That’s a .06% chance of winning anything at all. Also, the guys who are winning regularly are playing thousands of dollars per day. One guy in the article even claims to average $140K per day. You and I don’t have that kind of money. But hey, that one $3 lineup you put in is gonna make you a millionaire!!!

More importantly DFS is stupid. After the initial excitement of doing something new and shiny, and figuring out how the whole thing worked, I found myself losing interest. It felt like something that required a lot of work to be good at, and who has time for that when there’s Narcos to watch? I found myself simply throwing together teams because I was bored with the whole thing. It didn’t make watching football any more fun. It’s clearly not worth it to play just one game, but having multiple lineups going at once makes it easy to lose track of it all. Halfway through the one o’clock games I forgot all about my DraftKings players and was rooting for ScottHansonsFluffers.

It’s also very sterile. You just put together a lineup and then just kinda hope it does well. It’s a lot like sending off resumes when you’re unemployed. You craft that perfect lineup, click submit and your lineup goes out into the ether. You hope you’re going to win some money, but know you probably won’t. It’s not at all what’s actually fun about fantasy football. You’re competing against so many other people that you’re not actually competing against anyone. It’s not even like playing online poker, it’s like paying money to play solitaire.

So if you’re feeling inundated with Daily Fantasy commercials and think to yourself, “maybe I should try it,” don’t. It’s dumb. You won’t win. You won’t have fun. You know where you will have fun though? Toppa League.

Quick Note: ESPN has reportedly just pulled DraftKings graphics and segments due to the DraftKings guy winning at FanDuel controversy.

Dog Shit of the Week

Calvin Johnson. #Nick needed more than 16 points from Megatron on Monday night to win, which is a really good game, so it’s not ALL his fault that #Nick lost. But Johnson’s certainly put up some monster games, and 120 yards receiving or 90 yards and a TD are not ridiculous things to hope for from him. I think the lost fumble at the end of the game really accentuates the whole thing though. Icing on the cake of a so-far-crappy season. He’s had one game of 15 points (83 yards and a score). But besides that game, he’s averaging less than 6.5 points per game (27 rec for 255 yds and 1 TD). Considering he went 17th overall, it’s pretty disappointing. I’m not willing to say he’s the worst pick of the draft yet, though. Remember, Woody did take Trent Richardson.

Runner Up: Andre Johnson. Has 5.10 total points for the season and has scored zero points in the past two weeks.

#PowerRankings

12. FireUpThatKush (Last Week 12)

After only putting up 90 last week, Timmy outdid himself and scored a putrid 88 points this week. Timmy now has the fewest points scored in the league and I cannot figure out how he managed to win a game.

11. SheMyWendyPeffercorn (Last Week 10)

Well, JeffWho is still winless. Last year, he was banished to the bottom of the #PowerRanks because he took offers to sell his team. This year, he’s here because his team sucks.

10. J.B.HaHaClintonDix (Last Week 11)

Buckets broke the seal and picked up his first win of the season. He did it by beating Timmy 102-88. That’s just awful. In week 1, I complained about Micho and Woody’s 131-121 matchup being a turd sandwich, but Timmy and Raleigh’s matchup was like a turd Thanksgiving. Every fucking course was a pile of turd. Turd turkey, stuffed with turd and a side of mashed turd and cranberry turd, all covered in turd gravy. Don’t forget to eat your brussel turds! And when you finish, you can have turd pie with turd flavored ice cream.

9. Big D Brady (Last Week 8)

PWood went right back to losing this week. He’s 10th in the league in scoring and averaging only 123.16 points per week. And imagine how bad that’d be if he didn’t score 160+ last week. He’s the Toppa League version of the Red Sox. He wins a championship and then just lets it all go down the shitter.

8. #BroNationEjaQlation (Last Week 9)

Look here #Nicholas, I understand your frustration of having the most points scored against you in the league. Opponents are scoring an average of 170.62 points against you per week. That said, you have never been the Blowout of the Week (we’re just getting you ready for marriage). Your team is actually 8th in scoring, so you’re kinda exactly where you should be.

7. OBJYN (Last Week 7)

6. It Ertz When Eifert (Last Week 6)

JD and JBiggs must be related or something because this is the second week in a row that they come in right next to each other at 6th and 7th place. Also, they both have scored 580 points through 4 week, with Josh having the slight edge with 580.80 over Justin’s 580.30. Pair that with JD’s win this week, and he gets the tiny push into 6th. I was really hoping the two would have a Battle for Mother’s Love this week to make this section work on every level, but alas, we’re going to have to wait until next week for that one.

5. deMARYius WOODhead (Last Week 3)

It was a hard fought contest. We have nothing but respect for their organization. They’ve got a great bunch of guys over there in that locker room and it’s always a tough matchup when we go up against them. They always play hard and we knew we had to play our best to win. We knew we had to play well in all aspects of the game and we were able to do that this week. We had some guys who made some key plays and were fortunate enough to make it out of there with a win.

4. Ladies and Edelman (Last Week 5)

Micho was the beneficiary of the Devonta Freeman Touchdownpalooza. Dude scored 33 points. Micho also benefited from Daily Fantasy superstars Martellus Bennett and Duke Johnson, getting 14 points at TE and 17 from the flex. Micho is matched up against me and the Fluffers this week in the marquee matchup of the week. They might even flex this one. I’m totally going to lose because I’ve spent all week writing a 5300-word monster blog post and have not paid attention to fantasy at all.

3. JPP’s Finger Bang (Last Week 4)

Brendo’s really turned it around this year. He beat JeffWho’s crappy team by over 30 points this week, bringing his team to 3-1. That puts him in third place in the standings and he’s second in scoring. Now he gets Brady and Gronk back for the rest of the season.

2. ScottHansonsFluffer (Last Week 2)

Do you realize that me, Brendo and Austin were all within 1.15 points of the the Blowout of the Week? I beat Woody by 33.10, Brendo defeated JeffWho by 34.10, and Austin ended up being the big winner when he beat JBiggs by 34.25. We’re like the Toppa League version of Packers, Patriots and… Bengals? Broncos? Falcons? Ugh, this was easier before Arizona lost to St. Louis. I don’t trust Atlanta in general, I don’t trust Peyton’s noodle arm, and I never, ever trust a ginger.

1. CrisCartersFallGuys (Last Week 1)

King shit. Austin had Blowout of the Week sponsored by this thing, which is definitely not for having sex with, and High Score of the Week presented by Totino’s Pizza Rolls. Austin remains #1 in the Power Rankings and the man to beat.

4 teams are on bye this week: Minnesota, Carolina, Miami, NY Jets. Be sure to make your Survivor and other picks. Set your lineups if you have any Texans or Colts. Indianapolis (+2) plays Houston tonight. Ugh, this game is going to be even worse than last week. These teams blow.

Meet me back here in two weeks when I ride one of those hoverboards for a week and tell you about how I got seriously injured. Not from falling off; from getting punched in the face for looking like a fucking douchebag. Also, this is a hoverboard. Hoverboards do not have wheels, they fucking hover.

Thanks for reading!