I’ve noticed a lot of heartfelt commercials lately. I don’t know what it is. Why do these commercials have to be so sad? Back in my day, a commercial during a football game consisted of a giant Ice Train that delivers COLD BEER and LADIES IN BIKINIS. Those were the good old days. Are they trying to make us feel bad for watching football? Are they trying to appeal to The Women? Here’s a couple examples of the ridiculous stuff I’ve been seeing during football games.
Heartfelt Message: Even referees are people too. Be nice to them.
Listen here you fucking assholes. After working a full shift delivering mail, George Mazzioni spent his Friday night driving 1 hour and 20 minutes to Pawkahassett and refereed a High School football game for $50 bucks. The guy was consistent all night and made the right call here. The receiver did not maintain possession while getting both feet in bounds. By the time he had control of the ball, his foot was out of bounds. Clearly not a catch. George went by the book. Always does. Now all he wants to do is get home to his wife and 3 kids, who have been been waiting up to see their daddy so he can tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. He wants to then have a small, kind conversation with his wife while she finishes her wine. Then after she goes to bed, he’ll open a cold Miller Light, sit in his favorite chair, put up his feet and watch a little bit of TV before he has to wake up and get back to the grind. But George can’t do that now, because his car broke down and to top it all off, it’s fucking raining. So move the fuck over Blake and Jonas. This man’s worked for everything in his life, unlike you entitled little pricks. Oh boo hoo, a call didn’t go your way for once. Well, the call doesn’t always go your way in life. Maybe you shoulda worked a little harder on your toe tapping in practice and it woulda paid off in the Big Game.
Heartfelt message: Support the troops. Gotta support the troops.
This is the most amazing logistical feat of our time. Are you kidding me? They took Christmas lights and strung together “Welcome Home Julia” that was big enough to be seen from 20,000 feet. It took me 45 minutes to string up my tree with 3 strands of lights.
And none of those strands went out?! You’re telling me that not one bulb went out and Julia’s little brother didn’t have to go through the entire length of “Home” bulb-by-bulb, taking one out and replacing it and seeing if the whole thing lit back up?
Also what if she didn’t look? How did her parents know she had an aisle seat? What if she was in the bathroom? What if she was drinking away all the fucked up shit she’d seen in the war and passed out? I’m just saying there’s a lot of moving pieces at play here.
Heartfelt message: Apple is the most amazing, inspiring, beautiful, amazing company ever.
Okay. Slow your fucking roll, Apple. Get the fuck over yourselves. Your little expressive messages are, at best, neat. I’m not wiping fucking tears away from my eyes because someone texted me “Sup.” accompanied by lasers.
And you do not need to waste a full minute of my time with some serious ass music to say “Hey, those texts you send? Now you can do even more useless shit with ’em.” Wanna know what’s “Practically Magic”? If you popped one of those balloons and there was a phone inside. And that phone had a picture of the Queen of Diamonds, which was a card that I pulled 10 minutes before you blew up that balloon and released it into the city air. Then that shit would be worth a minute of my time.
Heartfelt Message: Season’s Greetings from your friendly neighborhood bank.
Fuck that! Will the big banks never stop stealing from us?!? Where does their greed end?!! They are literally stealing the noses off of our faces! And then eating them!! Oh, then they pull into town and give out a few gifts, but that’s just a charity obligation that they can use as a tax right off. Meanwhile Frosty’s left out in the cold missing half his fucking face.
On to the weekend recap…
East Lot Championship Game
#8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd 172.60
#3 Goodells A Man-gina 105.80
Buckets had his best game of the season and it couldn’t have come at a better time. He got great play from almost his entire team. Only Jimmy Graham (3.10), Tevin Coleman (5.60) and Barry Church (5.50) failed to score in double digits for his team. Of his other players, four (Cam Newton, Golden Tate, Jarvis Landry and the Buffalo defense) scored more than 20 points.
On the other side, JBiggs’s team was a disappointment. Only three players scored more than 10 points (Aaron Rodgers, Tahir Whitehead, and the Houston D), and A.A.Ron managed just 15.50 points, which was 10 points less than his projected score. In fact, nine of his twelve players underperformed their projected scores, and the three that managed to outscore their projections, did so by less than a point each.
West Lot Championship Game
#7 Wide Right 143.05
#4 Princess AmukaMARY 84.60
JD got 31.65 points from Russell Wilson, 20.00 points from Jonathan Stewart, 32.00 points from the Miami defense, and 15.00 points from his kicker, Dan Bailey, and that was pretty much all he needed to cruise to victory and punch his ticket to the Toppa Bowl for the third year in a row.
He didn’t need much more than that to beat Woody, who had a terrible weekend. In fact, those 4 players alone were enough to beat Woody by 14 points. Woody only had 2 players (Frank Gore and Steven Gostkowski) score more than their projections and not a single player on his team scored more than 19 points. Touchdown Tommy did not live up to his namesake, as TFB only scored 7.30 points and didn’t throw for a TD. Also, Woody’s three WRs combined for under 7 points, Tyler Eifert couldn’t manage 1 point, and Woody’s team defense (Green Bay, Paul Posluszny, and Khalil Mack) combined for only 20 points.
Props Over Here
- Bryce Petty INTs: 2.5 Over (-200) / Under (+120)
- Odell Beckham Jr has another 8-yard slant that goes for a long TD: Yes (-120) / No (+150)
- Number of people who throw up at Christmas Eve Family Dinner after spending all day at Cappy’s watching the Pats: 0.5 Over (+300) / Under (-200)
- That person who throws up is Brendo: +600
- First person to show up at Cappy’s:
- Micho (-300)
- Vegas (-120)
- Brendo (even)
- Woody (+200)
- PWood (+400)
- Timmy (+1500)
- Does Cappy’s have those poker chips they give you when someone buys a round? Chips (-1000) / Plastic Cups (+650)
- A team scores under 100 points in the Toppa Bowl: Yes (+145) / No (-120)
- A team scores over 200 points in the Toppa Bowl: Yes (+300) / No (-175)
- My man Scott Hanson is wearing a Santa Hat while hosting Red Zone: Yes (+400) / No (-350)
- Did I give my family better presents than they gave me? Yes (-200) / No (+135)
- Boom Boom will be able to wait until Christmas Day to open another present currently under our tree: Yes (+350) / No (-200)
This is what it all comes down to. Who will show up to Toppa Draft VII wearing a Championship Belt?
#7 Wide Right (6-7) vs #8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (5-8)
This line is pretty exciting. A PICK in the Toppa Bowl! Two flawed but evenly matched up teams. It’s great! Right now the projected score has JD eking out a win by less than two points. The belt is up for grabs. It’s anyone championship to take home. It all comes down to who wants it more… No it doesn’t. It’s completely dumb luck at this point, but it’s still fun!
It tells you how fucking whacky fantasy football is that the combined winning percentage of the two teams in the Toppa Bowl is .423. This would be like if the Houston Texans played the Redskins in the Super Bowl this year.
But not to take anything away from these two teams (I want to take everything away from these two teams, I’m very bitter), we’re going to have a new Toppa Champion this year. JD makes it back to the Toppa Bowl for the third year in a row and the fourth time in six years. Of course, in all three trips to the Toppa Bowl, JD has come up short. In the first inaugural Toppa Bowl in 2011, he lost to Woody by 14 points. In Toppa Bowl IV, he got smashed by a different Wood, losing 169.70-116.55 to PWood. And last year, JD got the closest to tasting the Championship belt, losing by less than 7 points to #Nick.
Buckets has had even less playoff success, with only one win in three trips, until this year.
Previous Meeting: It was a pretty close matchup when these two teams met in Week 8, where Buckets ended up winning 137.20 – 129.25. In fact, the two teams were only separated by 2 points going into Monday night. Both had pretty bad days from their quarterbacks, as Cam Newton put up only 15.90 points and Russell Wilson scored an even worse 11.75. Both teams had a great day from one of their WRs: Dez Bryant scored 25.30 for JD and Michael Crabtree put up 18.80 for Buckets, but both team’s other two receivers averaged under 5 points. Both teams had solid days from their RBs and great play from their team defenses. The difference in the end, was Buckets had Gronk who scored 26.90 points. JD couldn’t keep up, with an 8.80 point day from Delanie Walker.
Key Players for Wide Right: Russell Wilson. It always comes down to quarterback play and no one has been more inconsistent lately than Hustle & Bustle Wilson. He scored 31.65 points last week, but then 9.90 points the week before. The week before that, he scored 21.75, but 11.00 the week before. And then the week before that, he scored 31.00 points. JD has to hope Wilson doesn’t keep the trend going and have a down week this week. He’s matched up against Arizona, who I can’t figure out anymore; Jonathan Stewart, who put up 20.00 points last week and is matched up against a porous Atlanta defense.
Key Players for Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: Cam Newton, who is also matched up against that terrible Atlanta defense. Cam threw for 300 yards last week for the first time since Week 2; Jarvis Landry, who has gone for 100+ yards in back-to-back games, but is matched up against a tough Buffalo defense who is…heh fighting… haha.. for the… ha… playoffsHAHAHAHA.
One historical note, the East Lot Champion has gone on to win last two Toppa Bowls. Just one more piece of history working against JD. But maybe this is the year he breaks the streak!
Okay JD and Buckets, set your lineups. It all comes down to this. The Giants are at Philadelphia (+2.5) tonight. Most of the games are on Christmas Eve, so be sure to ignore your families and pay attention to the games. If you have to do some last minute shopping on Saturday, forget it, they didn’t need presents anyway, you’re in the Toppa Bowl. Families come and go, but glory is forever.
Everyone have a safe and awesome Christmas.