Power Rankings

2016 Power Rankings – Week 14

I recently saw a list of the top 10 emojis of 2016. What a better way to see how the world thought and felt during 2016. Let’s break down the list.

10. 💙 Blue Heart

Teens love the emoji and nothing is more “teen” than a Blue Heart. Ugh. “It’s like, I’m in love. But love is soooo hard, and that makes me so sad, that it, like, turns my heart blue.” You are not deep. You are not cool. Wanna know what’s cool? Paying your fucking rent.

9. 🎉 Party

convo

8. ✌️ Peace

Remember back in the day when you used to have epic conversations on AIM? You used to talk for like 3 and a half hours and then be like, “Awww man, my mom has to use the phone, I gotta get off the internet.” So you’d then have to say “Bye”to people (or “Peace” cuz you were super cool). Yeah that shit doesn’t exist anymore. Texts are a constant conversation. At any moment you can just start talking to someone as if you haven’t talked to them for 3 weeks. So, who are all these people actually saying “peace” to each other?

7. 👌 Aye-Okay

I assume the millennials no longer type “OK” but do the Aye-Okay emoji instead. That is some SHIT. Think about it. How many people have you seen give you the Aye-Okay finger sign in real life? And how many of them were not being sarcastic assholes? Exactly.

6. 😊 Blushing Smile

I never use this emoji. Know why? I never smile and blush at the same time. When I blush, it is a combination of panic and embarrassment. Blushing is an excruciating experience. There is no blushing + happiness. Even if I’m getting a compliment, my gut reaction is to say “Shut up,” mash the other person’s face and run away.

Also, emojipedia calls this one White Smiling Face. What kind of racist, fucked up, shit is that? You tryin’ to tell me black people don’t blush?!?

5. 💕 Double Heart

When one heart is not enough.

Maybe the millennials should cool it a bit on all the love they’re handing out. Your generation is gonna get a reputation as sluts.

4. 😘 Smooch

I do use this one. But I’ll be honest, I use it way more sending to my male friends than I do to my girlfriend. I’m not sure what that means.

3. 😂  Crying Laughing

I don’t use this one. This has replaced “LOL” and I was never a fan of that either. I’m a big “Haha” guy. I like people to know that I’m actually laughing. I also want them to know how funny I think something is. I like them to know if I think something is really fucking funny, then I give them the full “Hahahahahahahahahaha”. And if I want them to know that their shit is wack, and maybe they should workshop their jokes a little bit more, I give them the passive aggressive, “Ha.”

2. 😍 Love Eyes

I’m not gonna lie. I do use this one to express my love. Like when Boom Boom says something like, “Hey let’s go to the bar and watch sports and drink beer and eat wings.” I then send her the Love Eyes. And then the Diamond Ring. And then she doesn’t answer for a while. I then send the winking smile with tongue out. Still nothing. So I send the thinking face. Still nothing. I then send the Crying Face. Still nothing. I then send the Panic Face. Nothing. So I send the knife. And the gun. And the skull. Turns out she was on the subway.

I also use this emoji when Tom Brady is on the TV.

1. ❤️ Heart

Awwwww, isn’t that nice? The number one emoji of 2016 is a heart. That’s so sweet. No. No it’s not. Love is dead. Weren’t these people paying attention during 2016 at all??

This list is not at all correct. How the hell are these the most popular emojis of 2016. No poop emoji?!?! I doubt that. No wine glass?!?! Come on. Betches are always like:

betches

Or no clinking beers? I know the bros are always like:

bro

And no eggplant?! Or peach? Or corn on the cob? Or banana? Or melon? Or cherries? What’s the point of having food emojis if not for sexual innuendo. 2016 was definitely the year of sexual innuendo (haha, inYOURendo). I think we’ve all been a little too drunk late at night, thought about the one who got away and texted them a fried shrimp, amirite?!

By the way, I just checked my “Frequently Used” emoji. Here they are: Fire, smooch, thumbs up, football, thinking face, Waaah face, thumbs down, crying face, depressed face, other football, white blond guy raising his hand, strong arm, other Waaah face, pea soup, ramen, toilet, lightning bolt, and beer. I feel like this is a pretty accurate representation of my life.

Dog Shit of the Week

oliverfantasy

I’m willing to own this hot take. This was the worst fantasy football weekend in the history of fantasy football. Every single team had a big name that played like shit. The average score per team was 118.71 points. #Nick and JeffWho both scored under 100 points, and #Nick didn’t even really get blown out.

56 of 96 players who started this week failed to score in double digits. If you do some Woody Math, that’s almost 60% of the starting players scored less than 10 points. More than half of the Toppa League is Dog Shit of the Week!!

Quarterbacks especially. If you don’t count the god Tom Brady, who had 47.20 points, the 7 quarterbacks who started in playoff games averaged 15.05 points. The average projection for every quarterback just under 25 points. That means that the average playoff quarterback scored almost 10 points less than he was projected. Tom Brady, once again proving that he is well above average.

But it wasn’t just that. The highest scoring players were not the ones you’d expect. Trevor Siemian, Joe Flacco and Tyrod Taylor were the third, fourth and fifth ranked QBs in Week 14. The top 15 W/R included Bilal Powell (2nd), Carlos Hyde (3rd), Chris Hogan (4th), DeSean Jackson (7th), J.J. Nelson (12th), Isaiah Crowell (13th), Marqise Lee (14th), and Adam Thielen (15th). Only four of those guys were drafted, and Carlos Hyde was the highest, and that was in the 4th round.

And your usual studs were not so studly. If you made a team of the top ranked QB (Drew Brees), the 1st, 2nd and 8th WRs (Antonio Brown, Mike Evans, and Tyrell Williams), the 4th and 13th ranked RBs (Melvin Gordon and Matt Forte), the 4th ranked TE (Jimmy Graham), and threw in the 9th ranked WR as your flex (Jamison Crowder), you’d think you’d have yourself a pretty sweet little squad, right? And you’d be right, those players were projected to score 115 points. Instead, those players combined to score 35. I obviously cherry picked a bit. But take a second to think about how bad that is. I took 8 players who were all in the top 10 (except Forte, but 13th is close enough), TWO OF WHICH WERE #1, and they combined for only 35 points. That’s fucking ridiculous!!! If you took 8 players from the Cleveland Browns* they’d combine to score 40!! What the fuck!?!?!?!?

*Seriously, Isaiah Crowell (19.80) + Robert Griffin III (12.30) + Duke Johnson Jr (5.50) + Gary Barnidge (2.70) + Corey Coleman (2.70) + Andrew Hawkins (0.40) + Tyrell Pryor (0.30) + Rannell Hall (0.00) = 43.70

Even if I was cherry picking some of the worst examples, there are still a ton of other big name guys you could choose from: Michael Crabtree (2.1), Amari Cooper (2.9), Allen Robinson (1.7), Derek Carr (6.15), Kelvin Benjamin (2.1), Jay Ajayi (6.3), Larry Fitzgerald (1.2) Russell Wilson (9.9), Dez Bryant (-1.0), DeAndre Hopkins (3.3), Brandon Marshall (3.3), Spencer Ware (6.3), Brandin Cooks (6.1).

And to make it all even worse, the guys who did have great days didn’t play in the playoffs. Of the top 10 scorers of the week, only Tom Brady (47.20), Carlos Hyde (35.00) and Aaron Rodgers (32.70) started for a playoff team. LeVeon Bell was the highest scoring player of the week, and had the 5th highest point total of the season, with 54.80 points, but is on Timmy’s last place team. To go even further only 6 of the top 25 scorers from Week 14 started for playoff teams. Timmy had two players in the top 5 (Bell and Matt Ryan). Vegas and Brendo each had 3 players in the top 25. Me, #Nick, Micho, JeffWho and Buckets had 3 players in the top 25, COMBINED.

If you wanted more examples of how pathetic this weekend was: JeffWho, #Nick, Micho, Me, JD and Buckets put up the 1st, 4th, 9th, 11th, 15th and 16th worst playoff scores IN TOPPA LEAGUE HISTORY.

goodellbsmeter

BIG. ASS. FUCKING. SIGH!!!

So we’re going to talk about this everyday on ESPN for 2 years, right? The Steelers are going to lose their first round pick, right? They’re going to be fined a million dollars, right? We’re going to launch a federal investigation about this, right? The NFL is gonna demand to see Ben Roethlisberger’s phone, right? He’s going to get a 4-game suspension, right? He’s going to appeal it and it’ll be overturned, right? Then Goodell’s gonna overturn the overturned appeal basically out of spite, right? There will be a scientific study proving that ball deflation happens naturally in cold weather based on a 175 year old scientific law, but that will be completely disregarded, right? That’d be what’s best for the “Integrity of the Shield,” right? That’d probably only be fair, right? RIGHT????

But no. The NFL has already released a statement dismissing this saying “the officiating game ball procedures were followed and there were no chain of command issues,” and “All footballs were in compliance and no formal complaint was filed by the Giants with our office.” This is bullshit legalese for “we don’t wanna go through this again, it probably was actually the cold weather but we can never admit it publicly, and our ultimate goal was to catch the Patriots and we honestly don’t care how we did it.” This is just one more hypocritical thing to add to Commissioner Fuckface’s resume.

Playoff Recap

#8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd 118.90
#1 SexyRexy&RobTheSlob 111.75

I shoulda known naming my team after the Ryan Brothers would bite me in the ass one of these days.

Coming into this weekend, Drew Brees and David Johnson were the #1 quarterback and running back in fantasy. They were projected to score a combined 46 points. Instead, they scored 19. NINETEEN! What the fuck?!!? That’s not even half!! Godmotherfuckingdammit!! Oh and Matt Forte (15.62 projected) hurt his knee in the first quarter after running the ball three times for 8 yards.

Buckets didn’t need much to beat me. He didn’t get much, either. But he did get a great Lamar Miller game (25.20) and a big ‘ol bullshit TD from Kenneth Dixon (14.10) after Matthew Slater fumbled that kickoff.

#7 Wide Right 118.70
#2 ErectDecker 110.65

Don’t worry, I wasn’t the only top ranked team to shit the bed! Micho’s best performances were from Ezekiel Elliott (17.70) and his defense (Kansas City, 18.00). Out of the other 10 players on Micho’s team, 9 of them underperformed their projections by more than 25%.

JD was able to withstand terrible performances from Russell Wilson (9.90) and DeAndre Hopkins (3.30), as well as negative points from Dez Bryant (-1.00), and still pick up the win. He got the 4th best performance of the weekend from Carlos Hyde (35.00), a great day from Zach Ertz (18.20) and solid performances from Sammy Watkins (11.40) and Jonathan Stewart (12.60).

JD’s luck continues to outdo itself. Last week’s win was the lowest winning score in Toppa League history.

#3 Goodells A Man-gina 135.60
#6 #TomFuckinMaini 98.80

Well, A.A.Ron Rodgers (32.70) showed up for class and JBiggs rode him to victory. He also got a big day from Emmanuel Sanders (23.00) and got 14.50 from Doug Martin as his Flex. His kicker and defense combined for 31.00 points.

#DemaryiusThomas (19.60) and the #ArizonaD (19.00) were the lone bright spots for #Nick. #AlexSmith (14.80) underperformed his Week 14 projections by almost 10 points. His #runningbacks combined for only 12.00 points, his TE (#LadariusGreen) only put up 2.50 points, his kicker scored just 1 point, and his #IDPs combined for 5.00 points.

#Nick’s 98.80 points was the third worst point total in a first round playoffs matchup ever.

#4 Princess AmukaMARY 164.50
#5 Michos a Gurley-Man 90.75

TFB. TFB. TFB.

In this case the “F” stands for fantasy. Tommy put up 47.20 points on Monday. That’s enough for second overall on the weekend and is almost twice his projected total. Woody got pretty much zilch from his wide receivers, as Amari Cooper, Stefon Diggs and Allen Robinson couldn’t even combine to score 11 points.The rest of his team all had great weekends, however. With the exception of Stephen Gostkowski and Khalil Mack, every other player on Woody’s team scored in double digits, most of them outscoring their projected totals. Woody’s 3 RBs combined for 52.90 points and Tyler Eifert had a nice day, scoring twice.

JeffWho put up an historically bad day. His QB, Derek Carr put up only 6.15 points, which was 30th among quarterbacks this week. Carr along with JeffWho’s 3 WRs, 2 RBs and Flex combined for under 30 points. That’s like 4 points per player. JeffWho’s score of 90.75 points is the worst total in Toppa League Playoff history.

Props Over Here

HewittBetting.lv was having issues with their site, so I couldn’t get props and lines from them this week. I had to go to The Warburton Sports Book instead.

  • Manning faces in Broncos-Pats: 1 Over (+300) / Under (-120)
  • Manning faces in Giants-Lions: 3.5 Over (-200) / Under (+135)
  • Number of “we talked about” from Phil Simms: 7.5 Over (-400) / Under (+300)
  • Minutes I watch of Jets-Dolphins: 10 minutes Over (+2000) / Under (-800)
  • Fines accrued by Vontaze Burfict by the end of Steelers-Bengals: $100,000 Over (-150) / Under (+200)
  • Picks thrown by Russell Wilson: 1.5 Over (-150) / Under (+145)
  • Carlos Hyde >100 total yards: Yes (-120) / No (+180)
  • Micho sends a middle finger emoji to the group text on Sunday: Yes (-200) / No (+165)

This week’s matchups:

West Lot Conference Championship Game

#4 Princess AmukaMARY vs. #7 Wide Right

screen-shot-2016-12-15-at-3-01-25-pm

Considering he’s the only team to put up more than 140 points this weekend, Woody is pretty much the favorite at the momenet. Right now, the projections have JD as a 3 point favorite, but the bookies know better. JD had the softest win in Toppa League playoff history, and Woody is coming off shellacking JeffWho by 73 points.

Previous Matchup: In Week 4, Woody beat JD pretty soundly, 149.40 – 111.30. Woody was stuck playing Trevor Siemian (9.40), since TFB was still serving his sentence. Woody got a huge day from A.J. Green (32.30), DeMarco Murray (22.90), and Martellus Bennett (18.90), but also got 10 points from each of his IDPs.

JD’s 3 wide receivers barely managed to combine over 10 points, and no one besides the Los Angeles (22.00) defense really had an awesome game for his squad.

Key Players for Princess AmukaMARY: Tommy. Always and forever.

Key Players for Wide Right: Carlos Hyde had 35 points last week. He’s going to have to keep having games like that if JD’s going to have a shot. Unfortunately, Hyde isn’t playing the Jets again this week, but he does play Atlanta, who don’t really play defense; Sammy Watkins back? And he’s in Cleveland; Russell Wilson couldn’t play any worse than he did last week.

East Lot Conference Championship Game

#3 Goodells A Man-gina vs. #8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd

screen-shot-2016-12-15-at-2-59-54-pm

JBiggs feels like he should be a bigger favorite here. He’s won 5 in row now and managed to put up a decent score last week. Buckets is pulling this all off with smoke and mirrors.

Previous Matchup: JBiggs was on a four game winning streak until he lost to Buckets in Week 5, 136.75-108.25. Buckets’s season was heading in a different direction as he’d only picked up his first win of the season the week before.

JBiggs got a decent game from A.A.Ron Rodgers (22.45) and a good game from Brandon Marshall (24.40) and that was about it. No one else on his team even scored in double digits.

Meanwhile Buckets had bad games from his QB and WRs, but had a stud performance from Tevin Coleman (31.30) and Gronk (17.90), and had solid days from the rest of his team, who all pretty much scored in double digits.

Key Players for Goodells A Man-gina: I mean, I hate to say it, but it’s A.A.Ron again. He’s averaging 37 fantasy points per game in the last 8 weeks; Doug Martin, who since coming back from injury has scored 10+ points per game in 4 out of 5 games.

Key Players for Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: Cam Newton, who has completed less than 50% of his passes in his last 4 games and has sucked, fantasy-wise, in his last 2, but he’s matched up against a bad Native Americans secondary, and is playing on Monday night, and Cam, if nothing, loves the spotlight; Lamar Miller, who went for 107 yards and a TD last week and is the only good player left on the Texans.

I don’t want to jinx it, but there’s a potential for a DeSantis Bowl Toppa Bowl. I know that’s the matchup the networks are rooting for. Three time Toppa Bowl loser vs. his brother! The ratings would be huge! So many storylines. Who does Mom root for? Who does Dad root for? Who does PWood root for?

Okay Woody, JBiggs, JD and Buckets set your lineups. The Seahawks(-15.5) take on the Rams in Seattle. The Rams are in those white on whites, but OH SHIT, check out the new helmet decal:

rams-white-helmet-f

That shit is flames emoji. Well done. The Seahawks on the other hand, are playing in EctoCooler Green:

seahawks-green-color-rush-12-14-16

And Seattle, because they’re the most fucking obnoxious fanbase in the world, love it! I saw dudes wearing a “12” Color Rush jersey in Week 1. The whole stadium is gonna get into it:

Barf City. There’s also a game on Saturday night! The Jets play the Dolphins (-2), and I really could give less fucks.

Good luck to the Final Four. I hope you don’t make shirts this year, because I won’t get one. And that makes me feel 😢.

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