I’m currently studying for a certification exam. It’s one of those things that if I just suck it up, study and pass the stupid thing, I’ll end up making more money in the long run. But I’ve learned, or actually, remembered, that studying sucks! Becoming an adult is so much more wack than being a child, but at least I didn’t have to do school anymore. This is bullshit.
School is dumb. Look at this shit:
Do you have any idea what this gobbledygook means? Because I sure don’t. And why am I spending my time learning that a “Resource List is a list of the resources”? No shit? Better make me up a flash card right now!
Also, I have to take notes! This is a thing which I clearly have fallen out of practice. It hurts my hand so bad! I haven’t actually physically written anything longer than grocery list in like 10 years. And forget about writing quickly. I have lost this skill as well. All of my notes end up looking like the word “Pmmmmmmty.” I don’t know what that means. Do you?
Spending all of your free time studying is the worst. I liked my old schedule. I used to spend my commute enjoying podcasts. Me and the Pardon My Take boys getting into mischief, or for some reason, still listening to Bill Simmons guess the lines. Or maybe I’d take in some pop culture with The Watch or Pop Culture Happy Hour, or I’d get some fantasy advice from Fantasy Pros or the 06010. If was feeling particularly brave, I’d get political updates from Pod Save America. And if I was feeling homesick, I’d listen to how Buddy Cianci became mayor on Crime Town. Now? Now I listen to “Interpersonal Skills 1-6” and “Enterprise Environmental Factors”. Ugggghhhh, shoot me in the face. Everyday. 3-4 times a day. Shoot me in the face.
(By the way, I think nothing makes me whiter than complaining about not being able to listen to podcasts.)
I use to have so much free time! I used to worry that there were too many good TV shows that I wanted to watch and not enough time to watch them in. Now, I either don’t have free time because I’m learning about Organizational Charts, or if I’m doing something else, like, say, taking a shit, I worry that I should be spending that time studying. My life has become waking up, doing some studying in the morning, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, studying some more and then stopping, looking around and saying “I guess, I better go to bed.” AND THEN DOING IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
And the worst part? I’ve only been doing this for like a week. I have like 3 months of this shit and I already can’t take it. I’m so screwed.
This week’s level: Does all this bullshit match my pink shirt?
Well, it’s breast cancer awareness month again and that means we can treat ourselves to the NFL bombarding us with pink towels, pink gloves, pink cleats, pink goal post protectors, pink hats on the sidelines, and pink ribbons worn by coaches, owners and broadcasters, right? [*Watches 14 hours of football and sees a total of 4 pink mouthpieces.*] Wait, what? Apparently, the NFL has moved on from its Pinktober campaign to raise awareness for breast cancer. That didn’t last long, did it? I can’t say I’m surprised, it felt like each year they dialed back more and more pink. It got to the point last year it was down to some of the players having pink towels, a half dozen coaches wearing pink brimmed hats, and the refs having pink whistles. But no more. It’s a shame too because they were just shy of raising $15 million for the American Cancer Society in the 8 years they were running the campaign. Man, that $2 million a year really means a lot when the league made $14 BILLION last year alone.
But don’t worry, they’re still raising awareness. This year, they’re letting the teams decide what cancer they want to raise the awareness for. WE MUST TREAT ALL CANCERS EQUALLY. So for 3 weeks during October, because god forbid we do it during all 5 weeks, each team will be raising awareness for a different type of cancer. So now we get a completely jumbled message of 30 different causes, instead of having to focus on one for a month. At least we don’t have to look at all that icky pink anymore.
At least the Chicago Bears know how to celebrate breast cancer awareness month:
Dog Shit of the Week
Jameson Crowder. JD lost to JeffWho by 2.65 points in a nail biter that literally came down to the last play on Monday night. Jameson Crowder caught one ball on Monday night during the final play of the game. He then threw that ball back to the quarterback, who then dropped it. The ball was then picked up by the tight end and handed to the running back, who then dropped it. The ball was then picked up by a Chiefs defensive player and ran back for a touchdown. From that play Crowder received -1.70 points. Fin.
Week 4 #PowerRanks
There’s major turn over in the#PowerRanks this week. A new #1 and a couple previous top-rankers are falling. I’ve added some random musings in addition to this week’s breakdown. I felt like “that guy did this and this guy did that” was getting a little stale.
How am I the first person on the internet to think of this?
Last in your program and last in your hearts. After winning opening day, Micho has now lost 3 in row. He’s dead last in points, averaging 111 points per week. That’s 20 points less than the league weekly average of 131 points. I tried to dive deeper into what makes Micho’s team suck so much. He’s only had 4 players score more than 20 points. Jordan Howard’s 32.60 points in Week 2 is the only time a player has scored more than 30 points. He’s had 2 weeks where the highest scorer had only 18 points. Each week he’s had 7, 8, 7 and 6 players in single digits.
11. Dessert First
Oh fill in the blank! It’s like Mad Libs. I love this game. Ummm, baby poop! Babies bottoms! My dog after I shower him! A really, really, really comfortable bed! A cocaine boner! A really old banana! Chocolate pudding! A kitten’s tummy! Really fuzzy socks! My beer belly!
Woody scored 75 points in Week 1. He then scored 119 points in Week 2. In Week 3, he scored 214 points. And last week he scored 105 points. One of these things is not like the other. I don’t need a test prep podcast to tell me the answer is C. #Fluke
10. Halftime in Cinci
This past Sunday, PWood and Woody got to stand on the field while the Pats warmed up. My mom taught me that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. Especially if you’re super, super jealous and want the people you are jealous of to die in an extremely painful death, only to be resurrected and then killed again in an even more painful way. Really, I hope you had fun. And I definitely didn’t hope that you got stuck in really bad traffic on the way home, and had the worst hangover of your life the next day, and that your dog threw up on your carpet.
The “W” in PWood stands for “Win”… well, and “Wood.” It mainly stands for Wood. But PWood picked up his first victory of the season. Greg Zuerlein, the kicker! scored 27 points (if your scoring at home, that’s 7 field goals, 4 of which were 40+, and 2 PATs), to help lead PWood in a 14-point win over Micho.
9. Satin & Lace Eddie
I think we should all pump the breaks on blowing smoke up Tony Romo’s ass. Look, I enjoy him too. But I don’t think enough of us are taking the Phil Simms effect into account. Just like our next president will go immediately onto Mount Rushmore just for being able to tie his shoes. It is a breath of fresh air hearing Romo call out plays and point out things while they’re happening. Especially when compared to getting 3 and a half hours of talking about talking about things. And it was cool in the beginning, he’d be like “If the safety drops down here, watch for play action.” Safety dropped down. Boom! Play action pass. Pretty cool. But now, I think he’s feeling himself a bit. He’s starting to think his shit don’t stink. He’s like “Look for play action here. Or a run.” You think? Or he’ll just call out when the QB audibles. “Uhp, ‘Fire fire fire.’ He’s calling ‘fire fire fire’.” Yeah, I know. I have the sound on on my TV. I don’t hate him or anything, I just think we should give it a little while before we crown him king of commentating. #RideOrDie4Collinsworth
How the mighty have fallen. Buckets was second in the PowerRanks two weeks in a row. He scored 155 points in Week 1 and 141 in Week 2. Now, he’s lost his last 2 in a row, and is only scoring an average of 111 points. Another loss could drop him in the bottom 3 of the PowerRankings.
[*Thinks to self, the bottom 3 needs a name. As does the top 3. Hmmm….*]
8. Beat Micho-gan
I saw JeffWho went to the Bronx last weekend. He did not, however, send me his traditional “Rhys, where’s a good spot to grab a drink in NYC?” This text always gives me anxiety. How do you answer this question? Um, everywhere? Like every single block in the city has a place to grab a drink? First off, where are you? I’m not gonna send you to my favorite bar in the East Village if you’re in the Bronx. Also, what kind of drink do you want? Craft Beer? Wine? Cocktails? Bud Light? What kind of experience are you looking for? Lounge? Sports Bar? Speakeasy? Burlesque? There’s a lot to do here.
JeffWho had the old “play as bad as you possibly can and still win” week. Jordy Nelson and Tyrell Williams combined for 49 points. As for the rest of his team? 8 of his players didn’t break double digit points. His QB (Matt Ryan) only barely did so, with 11.90. He had a player score negative points (Chris Thompson, -0.30), which almost let JD back into their matchup. JeffWho has won two in a row but is ahead of only Micho in points.
7. Tiger’s Wood
Peyton Manning is currently living the life. He’s got zillions from playing football, and is getting zillions more from Papa Johns and Nationwide and all the other endorsements. But how long does he keep this up? How long does it take for Peyton Manning stop being “Peyton Manning, Hall of Fame quarterback” and start being “Guy in the Papa John’s commercials”? It’s not that long till he stops being considered a football guy. I feel like Peyton has like 5 years to get back into football, whether it be ownership, commentating, or whatever, or else he’ll basically become the Geico gecko.
Holy shit, I just noticed something:
Every week that JD wins, JBiggs loses. And in a week where JBiggs wins, JD loses. That is some weird, brother-voodoo shit. Of course, the only true, best-case scenario is this continues throughout the season to the point where JD is 7-6 and JBiggs is 6-7 at the end of the season, and they have to play each other in the playoffs.
6. Spoiler Alert
Vegas was in Brooklyn this past weekend. We didn’t hang out though. It’s okay, he was spending time with his sister, so I’m not gonna fault him for that. He was nice enough to text me though… asking for a restaurant recommendation.
Vegas has gone from #1 in the Power Ranks to losing two weeks in a row. He’s still number one in total points, and is averaging 156 points per week. That said he lost by 25 points two weeks ago and by 40 this week.
Reason number 315 why I think I’m getting old: I watched football all day on Sunday, and have no idea what happened. On Sunday, I watched the Pats play on my regular TV, and then I had RedZone on the second TV. I don’t know if I could tell you a single thing that happened during all the other games I “watched.” Last Sunday, I went to a bar that had all the games on at once. I found myself looking around from TV to TV, having no idea what was happening. I’ve gone from thinking they need to move some of the 1 o’clock games to 4 o’clock because there’s not enough action in the late afternoon, to moving the games because there’s TOO MUCH action in the early afternoon. I can’t follow any of it. Maybe I got “full dad” and watch one game at 1pm and then half of another at 4, while I nap.
Timmy laid the smackdown on Buckets this week, 157 – 110. The 47-point victory was enough for Yahoo!’s Blowout of the Week, which they have sponsored by Toyota. Because when I think about dependability in a car, I really want the word “Blowout” in my mind.
Thankfully this week presents a solution to the “too many games” issue. First off, the Falcons, Broncos, Saints and R-words are all on a bye, so that reduces the slate by two games. Secondly, the Jets play Cleveland and the 49ers take on the Colts. Those games stink! That’s two more games I don’t have to care about. I don’t even think they have fantasy implications for me. Or anyone. I hope to not watch a single minute of those games. Scott Hanson, just tell us that someone scored and sneak the video into the touchdown montage. We don’t actually need to see it live.
You could argue that Giants-Chargers is dangerously close to being a stinker too. But that game also has the potential to be 40-34 with Phillip Rivers driving down the field with 1:30 left, only to throw yet another backbreaking interception.
JBiggs had seven players score double digit points, including 24.70 from Drew Brees, 23 from the Seattle Defense and 36.60 from Le’Veon Bell, to do the fantasy equivalent of mushing my face, 161.80 to 143.15. JBiggs is now 2-2, just like his brother, and is in sixth place, right behind his brother.
God bless Jay Cutler.
I mean, look, a lot of us hate our jobs. Or at the very least, would rather be doing something else. But we all need a paycheck. I mean, how else would you support your wife’s Anti-Vaxing, Fashion and Mommy Blog? There’s a reason there aren’t “Rather be Working” signs that you can hang in your den. Smokin’ Jay, he’s just like us. Sometimes you don’t want to pretend that you’re a wide receiver in the Wildcat.
Also, I hope there was appropriate outcry from Peter King about Cutler taking the play off, just like there was for Ezekiel Elliott not running to catch a guy who’s in full sprint 30 yards in the other direction of him. There was, right? No? Hmmm. That’s odd. I wonder what the difference between them is?
Allovasudden #Nick is in third place. You sneaky, sneaky bastard. #Nick is somehow 3-1 while being in 8th place in total scoring. Well not, “somehow,” he’s first in Points Against by about 10 points. He’s the only team in the top 8 who hasn’t had 500 points scored against him.
2. PowerFranks Gore
This week in “What the fuck?!! How is anyone supposed to be any good at Fantasy?”: the following quarterbacks are in the NumberFire’s Top-14 QBs for Week 5: DeShone Kizer, Alex Smith, Josh McKown, Joe Flacco, Jarred Goff, Deshaun Watson and Tyrod Taylor. 4 teams are on bye, but still!
I also love how fantasy analysts try to get cute. “Well, both the Browns and Jets defenses suck, and since they’re playing each other, both quarterbacks have a chance to go off.” OR this game will be 6-3 and end when the referee puts down a really old dog in the middle of the field.
I caught my first L of the season this week, losing by 19 points to JBiggs. I had Julio Jones and Ty Montgomery both leave early with injuries (5.80 points combined). Had I known that would happen, I would’ve played Devin Funchess, Alvin Kamara, and Cooper Kupp who combined for 46.60 points while sitting on my bench. Of course, this means I will play them next week and they will score all of 3 points each.
It’s a three day weekend this weekend. For the life of me, I still don’t know why we haven’t just changed the calendar to get one of these a month. It’s been scientifically proven that if you give every American 1 day a month to barbecue and drink as many beers as they possibly can across the span of 12 hours, with an extra day to recover, they actually do better work during the work week.
Let’s play another round of that game. In Week 1, Brendo scored 112 points. In Week 2, he then scored 148 points. Brendo then won again in Week 3 by scoring 138 points. This week he scored a week-high 175 points. One of these things is not like the other… It’s A. The answer’s A, dummy. Week 1 was a #fluke? Brendo’s team is good? Whhuuuuuhhhh??
OOOHHHHHH be sure to set your lineups because the New England Patriots (-6) bring their soft as Elmo’s armpit defense to Tampa Bay tonight! The color will rush to my loins when the Pats wear all white (Pats hater joke: fitting) to take on the Bucs wearing all red. I will Color Rush home from work and the beers will Color Rush to my mouth. Also take the over.
Enjoy the long weekend.