It’s a tough week to have a superfluous blog about sports. I don’t want to have a take on this week’s UNITYFEST. Except maybe just read and listen to as many intelligent people as you can and make sure some of them are actual people of color. The more informed you are, the better your opinion. But that can get really tiring. I know. I read tons of stuff this week about protesting and I couldn’t bring myself to write something about it. But since this was THE major thing in the news, I had a hard time coming up with something else to write about. It’s not like the rest of the news is peaches and cream either. I even googled “good news” and the first three stories I got were about Trump’s new Tax Plan (lies), Puerto Rico (heartbreaking disaster) and “Good News: Scientists have discovered a new species of Giant Rat” (terrifying!). So good stuff all around!

My mental escape recently has been reading a lot of X-Men comics, because… fuck you, I don’t have to explain myself. I enjoy it. Don’t call me a nerd. I’ll shove you in a fucking locker. Anyway, it gets me wondering what superpower I’d like to have. So, in a week where we couldn’t just #sticktosports, I give you some soul sorbet™. A palate cleanser from all the “good news” out there:

PowerRanks of Super Powers

12. X-Ray Vision. This is awesome because you get to see everybody naked!! Except no you don’t, because you’d also see through their skin. You’d just be like man, I like that chicks bone structure. Also, you can’t save anybody with X-Ray vision, you can just point stuff out. So you’re just a narc. What’s your superhero name, Cancer Pointerouter?

11. Invisibility. Always seems cooler than it actually is. It’s not like you can walk through walls or anything. You still take up the space of a regular human, it’s just nobody can see you. So you’re superpower is hanging out in places when people don’t know you’re there. Creepo! Also, you always see the Invisible Man wearing all that gauze on their face so people will know they’re there. That shit seems annoying.

10. Shapeshifting. I don’t know what I’d do with this one. You could pretend to be other people, but that seems creepy. You could also turn into all kinds of cool animals. But being a bear in NYC will probably end up getting me shot. If I had this power, I’d probably just end up being a dog the whole time.

9. Super Speed. I watch The Flash show on the CW. Boom Boom makes fun of me because from the other room, she says it sounds like a soap opera. Well, does a soap opera have a Giant Sharkman?! Also, I really hope Barry and Iris make it together, I totally ‘ship them. I had a point…. Right, so the Flash has super speed, which is really cool. He’s like, “the best pizza in the country is from Seattle,” then he runs there in like 2 minutes and has the pizza. Fast pizza! Awesome! But they always give him other powers because of his super speed. Like, he can time travel, and he can move so fast the he can phase through objects. If your superpower is not cool enough that it also needs secondary superpowers, then it’s not a very good superpower.

8. Flight. I would be pretty cool. Like at the end of the day, you turn to your friends and go “Later fellas.” Then zoom of in the motherfucking sky! That’s pretty goddamn cool. But is it hard? Like does it take a lot of energy? It is like running? Running sucks. So if flying is like running, but in the sky, I think I’m out.

7. Empathy. For some reason this came up in my google search of super powers:

Is this the state of the world right now? That we consider “being nice” a goddamn superpower?!?!?

6. Invulnerability. My favorite scenes in movies are when the dude just walks into the street all calm and a huge truck slams into him. And then the truck is basically wrapped around him, but he’s still standing there all calm. Badass. If I had this superpower, I’d say I was supertough. That’s way better; I’d get laid all the time being supertough. If I said I was invulnerable, I’d never get laid because chicks would just think I won’t open up to them. Also, I don’t think you can get drunk. No thanks.

5. Super Strength. Watch me throw this football over those mountains! I’d also use this to pick up those cars that don’t pull up far enough when they parallel park so they take up two spots instead. You’re getting a new spot my friend. But I feel like I’d just end up breaking stuff. I’ve smashed my phone a half dozen times and I am a weakling. I can’t imagine how pissed I’d get putting my finger through the screen every time I wanted to check the weather. Super strength in expensive!

4. Weather Modification. I’ve got a story for you. One time I went to a theme park on a day it happened to rain for about two hours first thing in the morning. By the time we got to the park, the rain had stopped. It didn’t rain the rest of the day, but the park was completely empty. We rode every ride like 5 or 6 times. No lines! That’s how I’d use this power all the time. Wanna go play 18? Let’s jump the line with a light sprinkle.

3. Psychokinesis. This reminds me of a story about back when I was teaching. There was this kid. He was a little weird. And I don’t mean that in a mean way, but he also wasn’t one of those kids who had issues but was lovable, so you called him “special” or “different”. He was just weird. So this kid rambles in right before class as I’m setting up, and he comes in asks me, ‘Mister, do you believe in telekinesis?” Since I was busy and found this annoying, I just answered “No.” without really thinking about it. I didn’t actually realize what he asked until I saw him in the back of the room trying to move the pencil on his desk WITH HIS MIND. He literally sat there with staring at a pencil, trying to move it. Psychokinesis is definitely that little weird kid’s number one superpower.

2. Magnetism. This one is underrated. You know where there’s metal? Everywhere! How about I just open the fridge and grab a beer right here from the couch.

1. Teleportation. You’re on crack if you think there are better powers than teleportation. Just think of a place. BAMF! You’re there. This is the best power ever. How many times have you been watching TV and the remote is aaallllll the way on the other side of the room. BAMF! Guess who no longer needs to watch that marathon of House Hunters anymore. Or maybe it’s the end of a long workday and the last thing I want to do is wait in the 4000 degree subway station for a train that’s packed in one car because a bum is sleeping in that empty car, but he also shit himself so you definitely don’t want to ride in that car, so you jam yourself into the packed car. BAMF! On the couch watching Jeopardy! Forgot to pick up milk? BAMF! Forgot your keys. BAMF! Forgot your kid in the car. BAMF! I’d be world’s best friend! Everyone could rely on me to do those terrible favors no one wants to do. Need a BAMF! home from the airport? I’m your man. Sure, I’ll help you BAMF! out of your apartment. I’m not even talking about a cappuccino from Italy every morning. I’m talking about “I’ve been drinking all night and I don’t want to pay for a cab. I just want to be in my bed.” Of course, drunk BAMF!ing could lead to a Ryen Russillo situation.

This week’s level: Hey look! I’m on the cover of Bullshit Magazine

This is the most bullshit bullshit I’ve seen in a long time. This was the League’s stance on the comments made by the president:

“Comments like these”? Like what? Who said them? You couldn’t be more milquetoast if you tried. And did the commissioner actually stand united with everyone else, uniting in all this unity? I didn’t see him at a single game. If he actually stood with the league, he be down there on the field with everyone else. Instead he releases a statement that says “Bad things are bad. We no likey bad stuff.” and gets himself on the cover of Sport Illustrated. FOH

Dog Shit of the Week

Me. Boom Boom has her Ladies Dinner picks league that I’ve outlined here before. She asked me for some help making picks this past week. And I being the loving, supportive boyfriend that I am, gave her some advice on what teams I would’ve chosen that week. This lead her to change some of her picks. Well this week, apparently, she dropped from second place to last. This, of course, is now all my fault. It’s my fault that the Jaguars actually enjoy playing in London more than Jacksonville. It’s my fault that Broncos lost to the Bills. It’s my fault the Steelers decided not to come out of the locker room, even though one of them then did, which maybe had something to do with their loss to the Bears. It’s my fault that Case Keenum looked like goddamn Brett Farve. And it’s absolutely, 100% my fault that it didn’t occur to me that the Jets were going to actually win a game.

I immediately regret putting myself in that picture. This will bite me in the ass.

Week 3 #PowerRanks

3 teams going into Week 3 were undefeated. Now only one of them remains. Likewise, out of the 3 teams who were 0-2, only one remains winless. Also, the number 1 rank might not be who you suspect. Or maybe it’s not surprising at all and is totally who you suspect.

12. Halftime in Cinci

PWood got smashed by almost 100 points this weekend. He’s now 0-3. It feels a little mean to say anything else. The facts are depressing enough. We’ll just move on.

11. Patsfaninthecloset

Micho hasn’t scored more than 123 points this season. This week he had 6 players score under 10 points, and one player score under ZERO (that’s negative points if your in Advanced Woody Math).

10. CheesyGorditaCrunch

This was a total trap game. After coming off the big emotional win of beating his brother, JBiggs had a JeffWho’s crappy team coming to town. I could see why he took it easy. Instead of getting the win he was supposed to, he had pretty much the worst week you could have. His three wide receivers combined for 2.60 points. He only had three players score in double digits. There weren’t even any points on his bench that he could’ve used. JBiggs is now 1-2 and 5 or 6 of his players are battling major injuries.

9. Beat Micho-gan

JeffWho picked up his first win of the season. He’s still last in total points and his win was probably more of a function of being on the other side of JBigg’s lousy week. So, enjoy not-last place for as long as you can.

8. FuseLitBigDick

Timmy picked up his first win of the season last week, but the good times didn’t last long. He had a pretty bad week this week. His second highest scoring player was his defense (Miami) and they only scored 12 points. He had nine players under 10 points, and five of those failed to score 5. He ended up losing by 50 this week.

7. #Brady40MainiHorny

In a year where it feels like teams are either scoring over 150 or under 120, #Nick is right at that line averaging 125 points. So if he plays an “over 150” he’ll lose, but if he plays and “under 120” he’ll win. So far, he’s been a bit lucky, playing 2 teams in the latter group so far. He’s 2-1 and in sixth place, but he’s 8th in scoring.

6. Satin & Lace Eddie

Buckets picked up his loss of the season. After scoring 155 and 141 points in Week 1 and 2, he only managed 112 points this week. Buckets didn’t get good games out of any of his position players. Only one of his WR, RB, TE, or IDPs scored more than 10 points.

5. BigBrendoBrand

Call him BigButterBrand, cause he’s on a roll! Brendo has won two straight, winning last week by 30 and this week by 17. He’s now in fifth place and sixth in scoring.

4. Spoiler Alert

Vegas was handed his first loss of the season by JD. He still put up 154 points this week. Vegas is still the league’s highest scorer by almost 50 points. He’s now just 9 points shy of 500. Derek Carr only had 8 points this week. It was a high scoring matchup, so Vegas would’ve needed a lot out of Carr, but if he had a big game (enough Passing Yards to get the bonus and 2 TDs) Vegas woulda pulled this one out.

3. Tiger’s Wood

Instead Vegas lost by 25 to JD. JD is looming. He’s got that Patriots look to his team. He won last year. Everyone thinks he’s gonna repeat. He loses early in the season to throw everyone off the scent. Now he’s 2-1 with the second highest point total in the league.

2. PowerFranks Gore

I’m the only undefeated team left. I’m well on my way to repeating last year’s performance of having the best record in the league, getting the number one seed for the playoffs and getting bounced in the first round. Fuck! I’d almost forgotten how much that sucked. It was a lot.

Anyway, my matchup with Timmy was over before it started. Todd Gurley and Carlos Hyde combined for over 60 points on Thursday night. Yahoo’s little projections thingy gave me a greater than 80% chance of winning before the games on Sunday even started.

1. Dessert First

I don’t care if Woody’s still only 1-2. These Ranks is all about POWER, and scoring 200 points is POWER. Blowing out your brother by almost a hundred points is POWER. Going from 12th to 7th place in one game is POWER. Going from last in total points to having the 5th highest total is POWER. I have no other statements to keep this gimmick up… something something something POWER.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

2-1 BigBrendoBrand takes on 2-1 Spoiler Alert. Brendo’s riding a two game win streak, but Vegas is looking to bounce back from his first loss of the season.

It’s Color Rush Thursday!

It’s the Bears at the Packers (-7). After last week’s ridiculous, high scoring, cray cray game, we should definitely watch every Thursday game from here are on out. Which means this game will definitely be a blowout by halfway through the second quarter, watch. We also get another week of American Gridiron played across the pond. Saints (-3) take on Dolphins at Wembley at 13:30 GMT. I was looking at more silly Britishisms to use about this game, but then it occurred to me, they should just have British commentators during this game. I know some people would go apeshit over that idea, but come on, you already have to plug your phone into your TV to watch this game, lets have some fun with it!

Enjoy the weekend