I went to the doctor a couple months ago for the first time in a long time. It’s stupid that the most important things are pretty much the last things on the planet you want to do. “Man I really should go make sure everything in my body is working correctly and maybe just check to see if I’m not dying.” I’ll walk around with pain in my foot for 8 months chalking it up to just getting old. I could have a splitting headache for 4 days straight, but if I close my eyes the pain goes away. I guess I’ll just close my eyes for the rest of my life.
As you get older, you get more and more honest when you go to the doctor. “Do I eat healthy? Yeah, I try to. I try to have like yogurt or a smoothie for breakfast and a salad with dinner. Oh, but I do have a huge burger with french fries and wings every Sunday. Yes, I know this is not good for me. What’s that? Do I work out? Well, I ran over a bridge once last year. But then afterwards I proceeded to binge drink all day. Yes, I know this is not good for me either.”
When time came for the old “turn your head and cough,” things got a little more awkward than usual. This time the doctor found a lump on one of my balls. As you can imagine, this was concerning at the time. As the doctor was talking, my brain from 0 to 60 real quick, “It’s probably nothing” POTENTIAL BALL CANCER “but I’d like you to get that checked out” BALL CANCER “just to make sure” DEATH BY BALL CANCER.
Unfortunately, the Ball Cancer Screener wasn’t immediately available, so that gave my imagination time to go wild. My doctor appointment was at 11am and by 3:30pm that day, in my brain, I absolutely had Ball Cancer. Would I survive Ball Cancer? It’d be nice to be known for that. Up till now I’ve been know as “a really nice guy,” “writes an occasionally funny blog,” and “kind of a pussy.” It’d be nice to be known as “guy who survived ball cancer.” But I would also probably be known as “guy with just one ball.” Hmmm, there really are two sides to every story.
And what if I died? What would happen to all my stuff? Who’d get my Super Bowl XXXVI VHS tape? Can you put a dog in a will? No, like, so that he gets all of my possessions? Who’d get this blog? This thing is worth like tens of dollars!
And how would people remember me? Probably, “a really nice guy,” “wrote an occasionally funny blog,” and “kind of a pussy.” There’s my gravestone right there.
I finally did get a sonogram on my ball. Being in the radiology office waiting for my scan did nothing but exacerbate my fears. Ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer Sign this form ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer Here’s my insurance card ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer Here is my ID, as well ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer I haven’t seen a Highlights magazine in years ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer.
When the radiologist called me in, I did manage to forget about the fear of ball cancer. That said, death by ball cancer probably would’ve been a much nicer fate. You’d think that having a female sonogram technician examining one of my balls would be great. You’d think that technician having a female intern would be even better. Why wouldn’t it be? This is how all my favorite movies start. Me naked in one of those gown-robe thingys. Two female doctors come in to “check me out”. Then they turn out the lights and everything becomes SUPER SEX! Well, just like if you tried to fuck your step-sister (another popular genre), it turns out real life is just really, really, REALLY awkward. I spent 30 very long minutes staring up at the drop ceiling trying to think about literally anything else other than how a complete stranger was smearing ultrasound gel all over my potential ball cancer. Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about getting an accidental boner. I couldn’t have gotten aroused in that situation if Tom Brady was the one doing the smearing.
After I was done, I went home and took a shower. I used “washing the ultrasound gel off” as an excuse, but really I was washing away the shame. I then put on two pairs of underwear and drank 5 beers. Things were not looking up. Ball cancer was still looming, and I just went through the top 5 most awkward moments in my life.
A few days later the doctor called and told me my results. She told me I had a benign cyst on my epididymis (a tube on my ball), and that it was nothing to worry about. All I heard was, “Congratulations you don’t have Ball Cancer!” Just in time for me to eat a burger with fries and a whole bunch of wings.
Note: I felt a little weird making light of ball cancer. I got the feeling karma may be like, “You know what’s really funny about ball cancer? That now you have it!” and I’d be like “Welp, you win this round God.” So I decided to donate $35 dollars to the Movember Foundation. That $1 for each time I said “ball cancer” (or “ballcancer”) in this blog post. Also, next time you’re in the shower and thinking about Tom Brady, take a second, check your fellas real quick, make sure you don’t have ball cancer, then resume business as usual.
This week’s level: I think this bullshit sandwich is a little too expensive.
Did you guys hear about this one? Guess who my new favorite owner is? Jerry Jones! And it’s not just his penchant for hookers. Jerry is holding up contract negotiations with Roger Goodell because good ol’ Double J thinks the commissioner of the NFL is overpaid. Well, Jerry I’m here to confirm your suspicions by saying, uhhh….yeahnofuckingshit. The guy has made over $200 million in the last ten years. That’s unbelievable.
Obviously, this is going to get settled and Goodell’s gonna keep his job. And even if they somehow decide to pay him less, he’s still going to make obscene amounts of money. But it’d be really fun if this little soap opera dragged on and we got to see Bad Roger sweat a little bit. I’d enjoy hearing Al Michaels every Sunday say, “And there’s the commissioner. We’re sure he’s feeling a bit uneasy about his current contract situation.”
Dog Shit of the Week
NBC Sports Gold. NBC’s coverage of the Premier League used to be exactly what you wanted out of sports on TV. Their pre- and post-game shows were great. Rebecca Lowe, the host, was really good and the analysts provided actual, real analysis and every once and awhile they would rip into teams or players when they deserved it. They showed 3 great games back-to-back-to-back starting at 7:30am on Saturdays. If there were other games you wanted to see, you could simply watch them online on your computer or their app. Well, say goodbye to those days. Say hello to a good old fashion, shitty-ass money grab. Now, they still show the back-to-back-to-back games on Saturdays, but if you want to see one of the 4 other games shown not on NBC, you now have to pay 50 bucks to watch the games online. It’s not even a cable package! I still have to plug my computski into my TV to watch, but now I have to pay 50 bucks for the goddamn privilege.
I paid that $50 this weekend because Liverpool was playing Burnley on and it wasn’t NBC. I figured I’d spend that 50 bucks watching the game at a bar in one week, so it was “worth it.” Well, what did I get for my 50 bucks? A jumpy feed where the ball would magically teleport from one side of the field to the other, even though my internet speed was “blazing fast,” (so said my speed test). I was watching on my computer, so I also tried using their app, to see if the feed was better there, and that piece of garbage wouldn’t even let me sign in. Completely broken. So good on you NBC. Way to take a perfect experience, try to squeeze even more money out of it, and completely ruin it.
Week 2 #PowerRankings
It was a pretty lopsided week this week. The average score by the losing teams this week was 112 points, with 129 being the highest losing score. The winners this week won by an average of 37.5 points, and the closest matchup was still a 20-point victory (by me!). Right now a quarter of the league is undefeated, a quarter of the league is superfeated, and everybody else is .500.
12. Beat Micho-gan
JeffWho’s back in last and it feels so good. It’s like once the leaves start to change, the betches walk around in tights and Uggs with pumpkin spice lattes in their hands, and JeffWho’s in last in the PowerRanks, we now know it’s Fall. JeffWho’s averaging only 105 points per week. He also got blown out by 50 points this week.
Micho failed to put up a hundred this week. He also lost to Vegas by 40 points. That means Micho owes Vegas 40 linguisa links.
10. Dessert First
10th is a big step up for Woody. Woody almost scored 50 more points than last week. Of course, he still only scored 118 points this week and is still last in the league in scoring, being the only team to not score 200 total points this year. But it’s baby steps. He better hope those baby steps become Mary-sized steps soon if he’s gonna keep his streak of making the playoffs every year alive.
9. Halftime in Cinci
The third winless team in the league is PWood. PWood scored 107 points last week, and 108 this week, so at least he’s consistent. Stop worrying about the baby and start worrying about your fantasy team. Those things practically take care of themselves. Set it and forget it.
#Maini had some bad luck this week. Even though he only managed to score 120 points, he would’ve won if he played 4 other teams this week. That unluck continues this week, he’s got Buckets coming in hot.
7. Tiger’s Wood
Guess who has to pick up John DeSantis from the airport this Christmas? JD gets to take that long, awkward drive home from TF Green with the black sheep, third DeSantis. John really thinks he can get that pot dispensary business off the ground. He also knows getting back together with his ex-girlfriend who stole all his money is a bad idea, but is gonna do it anyway.
After only scoring 111 points last week, Brendo appears to have righted the ship, putting up 148 this week. I’m sure it felt nice to be on the other side of a 40 point victory.
Timmy turned it around this week. He went from not even scoring 100 points last week, to the second highest point total this week and Blowout of the Week. With the exception of DeMarco Murray and Golden Tate, who combined for 6.30 points, every one of Timmy’s players scored over 8 points this week.
4. Cheesy Gordita Crunch
Who’s the big brother now? JBiggs got a huge day from CJ Anderson (34.40 points) as well as big days from J.J. Nelson and Drew Brees (combined for 65 points) to put a 40 point beatdown on his brother. This is the fantasy equivalent of JBiggs pinning his brother down with his knees, then plugging his nose and letting a loogie slowly drop out of his mouth. Remember that? Brothers aren’t human beings.
3. PowerFranks Gore
After winning, but not really deserving to last week, I actually deserved to win this week. #Nick and I had the closest matchup of the week, which was basically tied through the late Sunday games. But on Sunday night Julio Jones and Ty Montgomery combined for 40.80 points, which was enough to put me over the top for the victory.
2. Satin & Lace Eddie
It looks like Buckets is back with a vengeance this year. Losing to JD is not sitting well with him. His squad is looking pretty strong so far. He’s the only team in the league to score 140+ points in each week this season. I almost put him in first this week, but Vegas’s point total from last week was high enough to carry over to this week.
1. Spoiler Alert
Not as convincing a win as last week, well not as many points, he still beat Micho by more than 40 points. It was clear once Vegas got 27.60 points from Gronk that he had a W in hand and could let the second string play out the rest of the matchup. Vegas is first player in the league to break 300 points on the season.
Weekend Matchups to look out for:
Woody Bowl! 0-2 Dessert First takes on 0-2 Halftime in Cinci. Winner gets the loser’s kid and Loser gets the winner’s dog. Or maybe the other way around? I dunno.
Be sure to set your lineups and pick your survivor. The Rams play the 49ers (+2.5) in a half empty stadium. It doesn’t even matter where the game is! Teams will be ColorRushed the fuck out, which means the Rams are going to be wearing
their White on White uniforms hot, All-Yellow joints that include the throwback L.A. Rams helmet, while the Niners are in all Black. I wish the Niners were in All-Red, and then we’d get all the ketchup and mustard jokes that Twitter can hold. Best case scenario, this game is mediocre:
But wait! Put the kettle on, because we got Football in England this Sunday. Make yourself a mimosa, there’s 9am football between the Ravens (-3.5) and Jaguars (of course). Blimey!