It’s like 1776 in this bitch.
And that’s not just because the Patriots beat the Bengals like a red headed stepchild. (That’s extra funny because their quarterback is a fucking ginger!) No, it’s because there was a goddamn revolution in the Toppa League. Us here in the bottom half of the league were tired of being oppressed. We could hear Raleigh, Micho, Josh, Timmy and PWood sitting around, laughing at our expense. Lamest party ever, by the way. We were tired of being laughed at. We were tired of being made fun of. We were tired of being pushed around. We were tired of being the whipping boy. We weren’t gonna take it anymore. Just like the Founding Fathers said to the British: “Fuck you and your overpriced tea!” the bottom 5 teams in the Toppa League said to the top teams: “Fuck you and your overpriced tea!” This obviously left them confused. And that’s when we went to work. And just like the Founding Fathers opened a can of whoopass on the British and their silly red coats, the bottom 5 laid the lumber against the top of the league. Playing the part of Benjamin Frankin was #nickmaini: Fat, drunk, full of syphilis. Justin was John Hancock: didn’t really do a ton, but signed his name all huge to make everyone think he did. Brendo was Samuel Adams, because he was from Boston, liked beer aannnddd….. he had funny tweets? John Adams was played by Jeff Who, because although he was crucial to the revolution, the guy was kind of a whiny bitch throughout it. I, obviously, was Thomas Jefferson: scribe, Renaissance man, lover of black women. Austin was Abraham Lincoln because he WASN’T FUCKING THERE. Loser. Although, I don’t trust Austin to free the slaves. At all.
Dog Shit of the Week
It’s gotta be Megatron again, right? Once again, Josh could’ve won if he’d had a big game. Not hurt enough to sit out, too hurt to be effective, too good to put on your bench. You know it’s bad when everyone wants the guy to actually miss the next game to get healthy.
Runners Up: Cordarrelle Patterson. This dude had like 30 points on 3 carries in week 1 and everyone felt vindicated for having him as their super-sleeper in the preseason. He’s has less than 20 points in the following 4 weeks.
Also receiving votes: Victor Cruz. Chris Johnson. Raleigh, stop playing this guy. We understand, your team is good. You don’t have to try and rub it in by playing shitty, shitty RBs in your flex spot. It’s not nice. Percy Harvin. How bout 3 touchdowns called back? One of which would’ve gotten a 40-yard-play bonus. I still would’ve won though, Timmy.
Like Paul Revere said: “On to the Power Rankings!”
12. SpanishAnnounceTable (Last Week: 10)
Barf! Was this ugly. This matchup ended up being between two better-in-real-life quarterbacks, Tom Brady vs. Matt Ryan (Are we sure Matt Ryan is that good?), and between two receivers, Jeremy Maclin vs… Golden Tate!? No other player for either team scored double digit fantasy points. But a win’s a win Brendo. Here’s to not going O-fer.
11. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week: 11)
How ya feelin’ Nick? Look all those points. So adorable!
On to a more important issue: Nick’s texting. Nick is either perpetually wasted, or has the fattest fingers ever. (It could be both.) But, he’s also not using a phone with autocorrect? What, does he have a flip phone? Look at this:
Fortball. Plastwred himsldf. Nraga bowl. It wa a mind teick. Look at all the other texts. No one else’s texts in the group text are this fucked up. I don’t understand!
10. Switches & Bitches (Last Week: 7)
Cheer up Austin. All the best teams in the league lost this week. So, since you lost, that means you’re one of the best teams in the league, right? No. No it does not.
9. Dickson your rear (Last Week: 9)
Giant killer! So… good job for that. Justin’s team still sucks. He has the third worst point total. This team should not be 3-2 and in 7th place. Ugh, whatever.
8. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week: 12)
Alright, alright. I think I finally have to move Jeff Who from last place. He did give Josh’s team a thumping, although last week I established that Josh’s team is shit. All the same, he’s 3-2, won 2 straight and has the third highest point total in the league. That’s enough to bring him out of last, right? But no way I’m moving him up to 3rd. Standings don’t matter, you know. Only the #PowerRankings. Just know, Jeff, this is probationary. You do anything to mess this up, and its back to the bottom of the league. If I were you, I would just stay away from Cam Stewart until February.
7. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week: 8)
Pey-ton Mann-ing! Clap! Clap! Clapclapclap! Pey-ton Mann-ing! Clap! Clap! Clapclapclap! Woooo! That boy can sling it! Did you hear he did something special this week? I don’t know what it was though. They didn’t really make a big deal out of it on any the NFL shows. He did something 500 times. Was it his 500th commercial? Sold his 500th pizza? Tucked his jersey into his jeans 500 times? Whatever. Who cares! Peyton’s 55 points got me a win, the Highest Score of the Week (Johnny Football money dance), and the Biggest Blowout of the Week. He might be my new favorite player. And look at him, so handsome!
What’s that Tommy?
Awww, buddy. You know I could never replace you. You’ll always be number one to me. Come on, how bout a high-five?
6. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week: 3)
So is the wedding still on? Did you guys watch Sunday night’s game in the same place? Did you have to try not to get too excited when Tommy was being old school, kick ass Tom Brady? Were there lots of tiny, secretive fist pumps? Did you talk shit? Was there angry sex afterwards? Was it awesome?
5. TheWilforkSexTape (Last Week: 6)
I thought of more things that are fine worthy. No avatars? FINE! How long does it take to upload a picture? 2 seconds. I counted. Come on. Why did everyone pick that stupid fucking gold helmet? What are you a Notre Dame fan? Fine for that too! They suck!
Also fine for calling shots up for yourself. Happy Birthday Micho, but you can’t do that shit. You can’t sing Happy Birthday to yourself. You can’t buy yourself a present and wrap it for yourself. And you can’t call shots up for yourself. I don’t make the rules man. I just tell the man who makes the rules, to do a better job at enforcing them.
4. Beats By Ray (Last Week: 5)
Josh, look what you did. You lost to Jeff. Then, I had to take him out of timeout. It would’ve been cruel at this point. If you had just beaten him the way you were supposed to, then everything would be fine and we could’ve carried on sticking him in last place and making fun of him. But no. Way to go Josh. Way. To. Go.
3. Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week: 4)
This is like one of those movies where the student learns under the master for a period of time, then goes off into the world and continues to learn the skills. He then comes back years later and must take on his master… and the master kicks his ass! Because he’s the FUCKING MASTER, SON! Respect your elders! I was taking out the trash with John at the beach while you were still in diapers.
2. Munchen on Bundchen (Last Week: 2)
Can’t win em all buddy. Sure, you put up the lowest point total of the week. Sure, you didn’t even break 100 points. Sure, you lost to the worst team in the league. But your still in second place. Maybe relax, have a beer, and forget about this week.
Just move on to next week like Belichick. You’re on to Switches & Bitches.
By the way, you should totally use this picture as your Tinder, OKCupid, Grindr, Grzzly, Christian Mingle, Fckr, lApp dance, Plenty Of Fish, Ping a Ding, and JDate profiles. Just sayin’.
1. Jameson B.C. Portis (Last Week: 1)
This was the best reverse jinx I’ve ever made in my life. Possibly, that anyone’s ever made. Not only did Raleigh lose to Justin’s terrible team, he kind of put up a stinker. Like maybe Raleigh was to busy changing Jameson’s diaper and forgot to change his lineup. Get it? Because they were both shitty!! Raleigh’s still the team to beat. He has two best of the four running backs in fantasy and the best quarterback. Fuck.
Long weekend this weekend! Shots up to Christopher Columbus! Who needs those pesky indians anyway. Stupid Redskins. Make sure to make you eliminator pick and set your lineups. The Colts play the Texas Texans from Texas.