Just a depressing week. If I didn’t have sex on Monday night, I don’t know how I would’ve taken that game. But I did!
I probably would’ve gotten really drunk and pissed off. Then I’d probably institute a ban on group texts and fine anyone if they continued to send any texts.
By the way, I’m okay with this. Group texts can very quickly become the worst thing in the world. Hey, who wants 45 texts about where everyone’s meeting up later? I bet those kids in Texas who just got the Ebola virus are like, “Man, I hope I don’t don’t have to be part of a group text about this.”
I’m also okay with Woody doling out more fines. Embrace it buddy. You may not be the Power Hungry Commish we want, but you are the Power Hungry Commish we need! Become the Wooden Hammer. Dress codes! Bans from Twitter! Suspensions all around! Fines for everyone! Late to the draft? FINE! Don’t have your Toppa Card? FINE! Didn’t set your line up? FINE! Didn’t make an eliminator pick? FINE! Tried to sell your team? HUGE FINE! Bills fan?… I don’t know that’s probably punishment enough. Bills fan talking shit? FINE! Dog Shit of the Week? FINE!
Dog Shit of the Week
You mean besides all of the Patriots??? Megatron. 2 catches for 12 yards. If he does basically anything else, Josh beats Timmy.
Runner Up: LeSean McCoy. He probably has a chance to be Dog Shit of the Year. 30 points in 4 weeks?!? That’s #1 overall pick value right there. Also receiving votes: The New England, Carolina, Chicago and Washington defenses. Tom Brady. Pretty much the majority of #nickmaini’s team.
12. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week: 12)
The Oxford English Dictionary defines the word Humble as “Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance” as in “Jeff’s team has done so well over the last two weeks that Rhys felt he should move him from last place in the Weekly Power Rankings, but Jeff was not humble in his victory over Nick Maini, so Rhys decided to put his ass in last place again to shut him up.”
Plus you wore this shirt:
Did it come in your gift basket?
11. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week: 11)
When I was a sophomore at Rogers, I played goalie for the JV soccer team. We sucked. We lost every single game. Many of them by a lot. I was also the backup goalie for the Varsity team. They sucked. They lost every single game. Sometimes by a lot. This may come as a surprise to you, because our coach was amazing. He was basically one of the greatest soccer minds of our time. Only a once and a lifetime coach like him can come up ICE-80: Intensity. Communication. Execution. And it’s gotta be for 80 Minutes, fellas. Can you believe we didn’t win every game?! My situation of playing JV goalie and riding pine for Varsity meant I was a part of 30something losses and zero wins. Nick’s team reminds me of that situation.
By the way, this week Nick started Pierre Garcon, Bobby Rainey, MJD and Bernard Pierce who combined for a whopping 6.9 points.
10. SpanishAnnounceTable (Last Week: 10)
I played rugby in college, and that team was not very good, either. Our A-side team did not win a game for four years. Yes, the same four years that I attended that particular university. (I can’t even sarcastically pretend my rugby coach was good. He was awful. He once called a ref a cunt. Needless to say, the ref did not take our side on many calls that day.) Brendo’s team reminds me of my days on the BU rugby team.
9. Dickson your rear (Last Week: 9)
I don’t give a shit that Justin beat me head to head. Or that he’s 2-2 and I’m 1-3. One, he only beat me because half my team was on bye. No seriously, we play 12 guys each week and I had 6 players on a bye. And two, he may be 2-2 but I’ve scored 50 more points than him. He’s just had 60 less points scored on him. So, he’s basically been luckier than me.
8. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week: 8)
In the two fantasy leagues I’m in, I’m a combined 1-7. After rereading the two stories above, I’m convinced I might be a loser. I lost in high school. I lost in college. Now I’m losing as a grown up. I’m even 0-1 in marriages. I’m a loser. Do you think it’s genetic or something? Can I get some kind of loser exorcism? Should I be pouring Gatorade over Wheaties and having it every morning for breakfast?
7. Switches & Bitches (Last Week: 6)
On Saturday night a few of us were drinking on Woody’s back porch, and one of the neighbors ended up calling the cops on us. When the cops showed up they found Austin, Woody and PWood in the kitchen, me in the living room playing with my dog and Ryan Maloney taking a shit in the bathroom. It was probably the lamest call they got all weekend. (Apparently, the cop was Sully, an OG from the beach. Back in the days before the beach became the fun water park it is today. Before Gators and before Woody ran shit. The days when Ray would give you a Kyle and you’d just have to sweep up trash for hours. You guys probably don’t even shovel anymore, huh?) The stupidest part about the cops showing up at Woody’s was that there was a full blown, three story Salve house party two blocks away. But no, let’s call the cops on the 5 dudes and their dog playing music on an iPhone. We took the cops showing up as a sign that we all should probably leave and head to the bar. When we got there, Austin was nowhere to be found. He apparently never left with us. I understand buddy. You probably had to tuck in Nana and then take out your tampon. TSS is not a laughing matter.
Yes, I just used 200 words to call Austin a pussy.
6. TheWilforkSexTape (Last Week: 7)
The Wooden Hammer said to me on Saturday that he thought Monday night’s game was going to be an old school Patriots win, where the Pats score 40 in a blowout.
Did you mean like Steve Grogan old school? At least you got the blowout part right.
5. Beats By Ray (Last Week: 3)
This is all just smoke and mirrors. Josh’s strength of schedule is bullshit. Beats Brendo Week 1 by only 14. Convincing win against Austin to make us all think his team is good. Then a win against Justin’s team (which sucks) where he barely scores 100. This week he lost in a barn burner to Timmy where his team pretty much did as good as it’s gonna do. Yeah, Megatron was the Dog Shit of the Week, but Josh won’t get 33 out of Frank Gore every week and Travis Kelce won’t play the Pats every week. I’m on to you Josh. This team is all bunk and hooey.
4. Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week: 5)
It’s sad that I’m actually rooting for someone else’s fantasy team like it’s my own. It started out as a joke that I’m the coach of Timmy’s team, but now it’s the only thing I got going, and it’s the only solace I can get out of each week. I’m so happy I paid $100 to do this every week.
3. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week: 2)
If you look, PWood is 5th in the standings, but his team is stronger than his 2-2 record. He has the third most points in the league. He just happens to have the third most points scored against him team. Unlucky. Number 5 in your program, number 3 in your hearts.
2. Munchen on Bundchen (Last Week: 4)
Two straight weeks of 190+ points. I’m impressed. Have yourself a beer Micho. You’ve earned it.
1. Jameson B.C. Portis (Last Week: 1)
This is how you be humble when winning. 200+ points without Beast Mode nor Emmanuel Sanders. This is Raleigh’s second week of getting the Highest Score of the Week presented by Honey Buns (out of 4 weeks). He’s averaging 175 points per week. Have yet to hear a peep.
Man, do you think Raleigh can go undefeated? That would be crazy, right? He could do it! 9 more wins and then the playoffs. Wow. I think it’s gonna happen.
Set your lineups and make your picks, there’s football on tonight!