I. AM. FUCKING. PISSED.
Monday morning, I was up 40 points heading into MNF. I had Brandon Marshall going. Stupid fucking Austin had Alshon Jeffery and the Bear Defense going. I figured Marshall and Jeffery would basically cancel each other out and Jeffery was supposed to be banged up. And no way the Bears D scored 40 points. I had the matchup in hand. Except, fucking Marshall goes for 1 catch for 6 yards and Jeffery goes off, as does the Bears D. The result: I lose by less than 4 points!! And now I have 5 guys and my DEF on bye this week. Fuck this game. Fuck Austin. Fuck Yahoo! for giving me an A+. Fuck this league. Fuck everything. I hate this game. I’m taking my blog and I’m going home. But before I do, let’s burn this motherfucker down. Let’s start with a new weekly feature:
Dog Shit of the Week
Brandon Marshall. “Hey man, don’t worry. It’s gonna be okay. He could’ve/should’ve had two touchdowns that night.” Fuck that! That’s like telling me that cute girl at the bar was really into me. But she left 10 minutes ago. Does nothing for me. Fuck you Brandon Marshall.
Honorable Mention: All of Tampa Bay. Vincent Jackson and Bobby Rainey ended up with scores better than you’d think, but holy shit, the Bucs fucking suck. I don’t trust any of those dudes. Also receiving votes: Eddie Lacy, Montee Ball, and Frank Gore.
Who else do I hate this week?
How bout Peyton Manning? Fuck you Peyton! Maybe if you spent less time doing commercials and more time practicing, you’d have the goddamn playbook in your head instead of that stupid fucking Nationwide jingle in your head. And double fuck you because now the Nationwide jingle is in my head. And everyone else’s whose reading this right now.
But you know who Peyton beat this weekend? Richard Sherman. Fuck Richard Sherman. Can we stop collectively blowing Richard Sherman? The cover of Madden. Fucking Chunky Soup. That beef jerky ad with Steven A. Smith (SUPER FUCK THAT GUY!). Did you know he went to Stanford? For real, he grew up in Compton and then went to Stanford! I’m so not surprised that a kid who went to Stanford is this fucking arrogant. Stanford’s full of pricks.
And fuck the Pats. It’s gotta be said. Since when can we not block? I can’t remember the last time the Pats weren’t a team with one of the best O-lines in the league. And this isn’t just a Logan Mankins thing. There’s 4 other guys on the line. And apparently they’ve all forgotten how to play football? My only hope is that they knew they were playing Oakland and took the game off. Speaking of Mankins, you think Belichick could just go to the Bucs and be like, “Hey how bout you give him back? We’re basically trading you the first overall pick. Your team is already really, really shitty. Just hand him over and that’ll be the thing to put you over the edge to be the shittiest team in the league.” I like that plan.
Fuck David Diehl. That guy is a fucking clown. Really? This is one of the 4 best commentators we can get? Look, I know football players know more than me because they played the sport and that’s why they get hired, but they don’t actually know more than me. They’re fucking stupid. For as ridiculous as Jon Gruden is (and he’s ridiculous, I heard him use the phrase “Turkey Hole” this season) at least he’s intelligent about the game.
Speaking of stupid fucking players who are now on TV:
Fuck Ray Lewis. This guy is a fucking sociopath (and could be a psychopath). Seriously, how fucked in the head do you have to be that you kill someone, and act like it never happened? Then, do steroids and, again, act like you don’t know what people are talking about? And even act incensed that someone would even accuse of such a thing. Look I’m no professional athlete and the injuries aren’t the same, but I tore a tendon in my leg 5 months ago and I still walk with a limp occasionally. This guy tears a muscle in his arm and is back to playing PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL in 4 months? And now he gets to sit behind that desk, act all high and fucking mighty like he was the gold standard of Ravensness and Ray Rice is tarnishing everything he worked for? YOU FUCKING MURDERED SOMEONE. (Fun Fact: My college roommate took Ray Lewis’s bullet riddled limo to prom.) Honestly, everyone on that show can get fucked. CIRCLE THE WAGONS! Blow me. Tom Jackson is a bitter asshole. Cris Carter is actually off my shit list because of this comment. That was one of the most profound things I heard during the whole, “My parents beat me and I turned out okay” debate. Of course, Mike Ditka opened his stupid mouth and negated the whole thing. I don’t care if Mike Ditka’s in the Hall of Fame twice, he is terrible. The smartest thing he’s every said on NFL Countdown was that time he fell asleep.
Fuck that girl on Barstool who gave a blowjob at a party and then Instagramed it. That girl made me fucking FRIGHTENED to have a girl. Shit, that girl made me frightened to have children at all. I can only hope that her parents are just awful. Like her mom is addict and her dad is a deadbeat and left them when she was 2. But probably not. They’re probably normal, hardworking people and kids nowadays are just fucking terrible.
Worse than that girl, however, is the guy getting a blowjob in the middle of a party like that. Have some decency dude. Take that shit to a closet, bathroom, parent’s bedroom, boiler room. Somewhere private. I can’t get over how fucking awkward that shit would be. “Hey John, you see that game last night? What’s that? Oh you’re getting a beej right now? Okay, I’ll just continue to stand right next to you and drink my beer because we’re at a house party and its fucking packed and there’s nowhere else to go and you chose to get head in the kitchen.” Also, I never want anyone to see my vinegar strokes. The only thing I’d be okay with out this whole mess is if a chick was wearing eyeblack to give me head. Oh man, the boost to my ego. “Careful sweetheart, there’s gonna be some glare when I pull this thing out” BEHOLD THE GLORY!!
While we’re here, fuck Barstool. (Gasp! The Horror!) El Prez has run that website for what, 15 years and still doesn’t know how to use a fucking comma. And forget about spellcheck. He basically writes his blog posts like I wrote papers freshman year at 2 am: type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type type DONE! PRINT! Also, the fucking complex that guy has. I can’t believe the amount of times that guy complains about posting something “first” and people copying him. Newsflash: It’s the internet. Literally no one is first to post anything. Between Reddit, Deadspin/Gawker, NY Mag, Buzzfeed, Barstool and the other half dozen websites I read regularly, they all post the same meme-worthy internet stories within an hour of each other. I find myself reading Big Cat, Barstool Confessions, their actual sports writers and that’s about it.
On to this week’s Power Rankings. Fuck you all.
12. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week: 12)
Good thing Jeff lost this week. If he had won, he’d be 2-1 and it would’ve been hard to keep him in last place, especially how bad Nick, Brendo and Justin’s teams are. But he lost, so all is right with the world. I actually don’t get it. Jeff, do you not like us? What did we do to you? Why would you try to fuck us all over collectively? Like seriously, can you imagine draft night, the next best day after Thanksgiving (Fuck Christmas), with Cam Fucking Stewart?!? He’d probably bring Brussels Sprouts. I fucking hate Brussels Sprouts. Fuck you.
11. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week: 11)
Jesus your team is terrible. And not only does your team suck but you were on the receiving end of getting blown out by Micho…… Am I allowed to make a joke here? I don’t know how this works. Moving on. #fuckyou.
10. SpanishAnnounceTable (Last Week: 10)
Wow this was brutal. I know this wasn’t the Blowout of the Week, but it was pretty damn close. Tom Brady (WTF! Stop sucking!) vs Andrew the Giant. LeSean McCoy and Darren McFadden vs. Marshawn Lynch and DeMarco Murray. This was ugly. By the way, LeSean, Marshawn, and DeMarco are all stupid names. When you actually write them, they’re really fucking dumb. What’s that? So is Rhys? Fair point. Ugh and now I’m racist. Dammit. Oh, and fuck you Brendo. Get your shit together. You’re like the Jacksonville Jaguars of the league right now. We’re going to start sending you to England to play your matchups soon.
9. Dickson Your Rear (Last Week: 9)
Justin your team just plain old sucks. Your highest scoring players were your kicker, defense and tight end. That’s bullshit. You lost in the weakest matchup of the week. You would’ve lost to everyone this week. That’s what happens when you show up late to the draft dressed like a dockhand. Believe me , I know. I showed up late last year and ended up in 11th place. Next year, be a man and take the day off from work. Traffic is not an excuse. Fuck you.
8. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week: 5)
Fucking Austin. 3.85 fucking points. Fuck Me.
7. TheWilforkSexTape (Last Week: 6)
Woody lost the battle for Mama Wood’s Love. He just got Marty McFly’d out of the family picture.
You know, its still a nice looking family. They might be better off. Fuck you.
6. Switches & Bitches (Last Week: 8)
I’m just so fucking mad I don’t even know what to say. And part of me is like, “That’s what I get for making fun of Austin last week” Fuck that. Fuck karma. Fuck Austin. Fuck you.
5. Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week: 4)
Those who can’t play, coach. That said, I’m basically this for Timmy every week:
#Rhysstrong baby! Let’s ride this wave to a championship belt! But, you bet on the Bucs. So, fuck you.
4. Munchen on Bundchen (Last Week: 7)
Look at Micho getting the Highest Score of the Week sponsored by RingDings and the Blowout of the Week presented by Jenna Haze. Fuck you twice.
3. Beats By Ray (Last Week: 2)
I know you’re 3-0 but if you played any other team in the league but your brother’s shitty team you wouldn’t be. Plus, its not like your dad took out an ad in the paper. I mean The Woods knew the family was going to be under serious stress with a Woody vs. Woody matchup, so they proved to the entire city just how strong a family they are. Your family must not love you. Fuck you.
2. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week: 3)
Winner of Mama Wood’s Love. That’s cold man. That’s your blood. A good brother would’ve gone for the tie. Shared that love equally. Maybe all those years of being the younger brother and getting fucked with added up, and you had to seize your chance for payback. I get it. Still, its pretty messed up, so, fuck you.
1. Jameson B.C. Portis (Last Week: 1)
Yeah, yeah, we get the fucking point. Your team is good. Whatever. Fuck you.
Don’t forget to set your fucking lineups blah, blah, blah. Fuck it. Don’t set your lineups. Don’t make an eliminator pick. Man I’m angry and depressed. I need something to cheer me up before I eat a whole dozen donuts.
Ahhhh. That’s much better. Sea Otters are the fucking cutest. I want one so bad. And they trained it to play basketball!! Oh man I feel way better. Don’t forget to set your lineups and make your eliminator picks.