Week 2 Power Rankings

I really enjoy living in New York City. It’s dope. There are a lot of things I love about it. The fact that I don’t get kicked out of bars at 1am, you know if I stayed out that late. The fact that I can stumble out of a bar at any time of day or night and instantly get into a cab that will take me home. Or if I’m not too tired, (or am feeling poor and think I should totally not spend money on a cab) I can take the train because it runs all night. Like a train should. The fact that there are blocks in NYC that have as many bars and restaurants as Thames Street does. The fact that on any given day I can walk down the street on my way to or from work and see a chick better looking than your precious Jailbait. The fact that I can walk into the bodega right below my apartment and buy beer, a breakfast sandwich and coffee, toilet paper, duct tape, cereal, candles, sponges, those “natural male enhancement” pills, or rubbing alcohol. It’s like everything I would ever need for everyday life, or preparing for a hurricane, or kidnapping someone is all in one place. That has a pet cat. And there’s one on every single corner. And then there’s Happy Hour!

New York City would probably be the greatest place in the world if it weren’t for all the people. Good God! There are so many people here. Always in your way. Always walking slow. Always standing in front of you in line for EVERYTHING. Always rubbing up against you on a crowded subway, and its never the pretty girl, its always the huge, weird looking dude.

Don’t get me wrong. There are things a love about Newport too. The fact that I feel like a FUCKING BALLER every time I go to Cappy’s. “What’s that? $2.75 for a beer? I’ll have two! Oh, and these two extra dollars are for you my good sir!” The fact that I can go swimming with my dog.

But I’m here to tell you that I miss Braga Bowls. The Harlem Flag Football League is pretty hardcore. Hardcore enough for me to literally rip my leg in half. But the Braga Bowl is way more fun. When I get those sunday Snapchats from Woody showing a dozen out-of-shape, semi-athletic white kids running around, I get a little bummed out that I’m missing it. And according to sources I missed Nick Maini do this on Saturday night:

Then follow it up by doing this on Sunday:

Now, my Sunday wasn’t that exciting, but you’ll be happy to know I did get to watch football. I wasn’t going to let a family visit stand in my way either. Brother in town from LA? NOPE! Dad came up from Newport? PEACE! Mom wants to know if I want to grab lunch on Sunday?

Man I practically overdosed on Football on Sunday. And much like a heroin overdose, it felt REALLY good. I mean, this weekend was bananas:

Of course it was also a terrible week where Jamal Charles, RGIII (Gross), DeSean Jackson, Knoswhon Moreno (REALLY Gross), AJ Green, Doug Martin, Allen Hurns, MJD, Jordan Cameron and both Chicago receivers either got hurt or were hurt and you had no idea if they’d play. Nevermind the fact that reading anything about football is depressing as fuck. At least this happened:

Oh the Jets. Never stop being the Jets.

12. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week: 12)

You know what you did. In light of all the recent terrible parenting in the news, we, the league, are practicing good parenting by sitting you here in last place to let think about what you’ve done. You can come out of last when we think you’ve learned your lesson.

11. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week: 10)

Come on Nick! I basically made you the subject of this week’s post and this is the kind of effort you put in? Lowest point total in the league. Combined loss total of over 100 points in just two weeks. #GronkGorePissPour

10. SpanishAnnounceTable (Last Week: 6)

Me and Brendo had literally the worst match up of the week. I beat him by less than 10 points and I only scored 112. This was really sad. This was like when they let those special needs kids on the court between quarters at Celtics games. And the score is like 4-0 but the kids are fired up like its Game 7 of the finals. I feel really bad about laughing at them when I was like 18. And those kids got to play basketball in front of a packed house at the Garden, what have I done with my life?

You know Brendo:

That’s Hall of Fame Insight right there!! The fuck?!? Hey, did you know if you score the same or more than the team you play, you don’t lose? No shit!! What is this the Mike Francesa show? And the first line of that Toyota Missed Opportunities thing is always so fucking stupid, even when it makes sense.

9. Dickson Your Rear (Last Week: 7)

Hey at least you got blown this week.

8. Switches & Bitches (Last Week: 8)

I don’t know, for some reason I just love ranking Austin lower than he should be. It’s fun. Bare with me. Pretend for a second your hanging out with Austin. Now pretend you say something mean about him. Did you just laugh? You did, didn’t you? Don’t you feel just generally happier? Yeah, Austin could win by 50 every week and will never sniff the top 3.

7. Munchen on Bundchen (Last Week: 5)

Dammit Micho! You had one job to do. You’re supposed to win against Jeff. You’d think as a Buffalo Bills fan you’d understand the importance of someone trying to sell his team to the wrong person. Yes, Cam Stewart is Bon Jovi in this scenario, and I think it works. They’re both huge douchebags. The only reason I’m not ranking you behind Austin is that I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt of the Jamal Charles injury.

6. TheWilforkSexTape (Last Week: 11)

Hey look!

It was a convincing win. But it was over Nick Maini, who I just established is terrible. If Woody wins this week against PWood in a Battle for their Mother’s Love, then I can start taking this team seriously.

5. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week: 4)

I’m starting to worry my team isn’t that good. It’s not that bad, but not good.

4. Dibs On Mcfadden (Last Week: 9)

I’d like to take credit for this win. I think I lit a fire under Timmy. I talked some serious shit about his team and what happened next? Oh, he just wins the Blowout of the Week sponsored by Jenna Jameson. Atta boy Timmy. I’m basically like your coach.

3. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week: 3)

Gotta get off the tracks when the train is coming through. Tough break, matched up against Raleigh this early. The man’s on a roll. I bet he knocked up Meg without even having sex with her.

2. Beats by Ray (Last Week: 2)

I have to hand it Josh. He was only given the 2-spot because of his team name. But he took advantage. He grabbed it by the balls and isn’t letting go. Highest Score of the Week presented by Little Debbie. Who cares if it was against lowly Austin. Just because you turn in the Money in the Bank briefcase when the champ is knocked out and pin him right there, doesn’t make you any less of a champion.

Oh and look at this! More brotherly love this week!

1. Jameson B.C. Portis (Last Week: 1)

Went into this week as the number 1 team. Went up against the number 2 team in the league and took care of business. King Shit.

Football tonight! Set your lineups and make your eliminator picks.