Worst week 1 ever.
2 injuries and a suspension before my first match up. Andre Ellington, my best running back, looked like he could be out for 4-6 weeks for a foot injury (I can’t WAIT for him to be listed as questionable for every single week). Cecil Shorts, not my best player, but would’ve been a solid flex demonstrated by Jackonville’s ability to throw on Philly’s might-be-shitty defense, also out. Wes Welker out with molly. On top of that, I had to go to a friend’s birthday brunch, so there was a possibility of no football watching for this guy. (Who the fuck has a birthday brunch smack in the middle of the first Sunday of football season?!? Bitches, that’s who. At least I made up for missing football by having somewhere between 450 and 600 mimosas.)
I tried to make the most of a bad situation, though. I woke up on Sunday, realized it was the first Sunday of football and felt like this:
I went to a bar before the brunch to try and catch as much of the Pats-Fins game as possible. I had a perfect seat at the bar right in front of a giant TV showing the game. Beers were half price. The bartender was smoking cute. (You know. If you saw her in real life, you’d be like “Yeah she’s pretty cute” but her game gets upped by the fact she’s wearing a football jersey, serves you beer, and calls you sweetheart all day.) Things were looking up. I left the bar just after the Pats’ interception. I was feeling good. I should’ve known when I walked into a restaurant with no TVs and being one of two dudes that it was a bad omen.
Pats lose. I lose. Dolphins and Jets win. Bills and Micho win. All hell broke loose. By the way, the Bills are still going to be bad. They’re going 4-12 this year. Write it down. In pen. They’re the Bills. It’s what they do. (I could see them going like 11-5 against the spread, however.)
Oh well, at least I can pick up some guys on the waiver wire. Oh wait, no I fucking can’t. Every single dude on ESPN, Yahoo, CBS, or Al Jazeera’s top free agent pick up lists are taken. Don’t worry though, I got Miles Austin!
Chances are your team had a bad week last week too. Actually, exactly half of your teams did. The other half of you can go fuck yourself. And with that, I introduce you to the Toppa League power rankings. Each week I will rank each team in the league from shittiest to bestest. Do I have some type of criteria for how I rank everyone’s team? Nope. Completely arbitrary. Will I listen to you if you complain about your ranking? Again, nope. Is this just an excuse for me to be sarcastic, swear and talk shit? Yes. Very much yes. Do I need more friends to do those things with? Probably.
With out further ado:
You tried to sell your team to Cam Stewart. CAM. STEWART. And look, I spent last weekend with Cam and he actually wasn’t that bad. But everything is relative when you’re in a house with Danny Murphy, Terry Murphy and a 55 year old man who gets drunk and pisses himself. So yeah, Jeff Who is in last until otherwise noted. Also, emojis in your team name? Come on, bro.
*Clicks the link for Woody’s team
*Sees Jenny Dell’s O-face
Hang on guys I’ll be right back…
Alright! I did not see this coming when Woody drafted Trent Richardson as his number 1 RB in the 4th round. That’s a lie. I totally did. That dude sucks. Woody’s been hitting the waiver wire hard thought. So, um, yeah. Maybe things’ll get better?
I hate this team name. I can’t say it. I can’t type it. What the fuck Nick? As far as I’m concerned, you deserved this week’s Blowout of the Week sponsored by Bibi Jones. Nice turn out from your running backs this week. You would’ve been better off playing Ray Rice.
9. Dibs On Mcfadden
So Timmy, was your draft strategy to talk so much shit that you’d fool us all into thinking your team was good, or did you actually believe it was good? When looking at your team, I was about to say something like, “He’s got a solid and team and will end up alright” but then I realized your best receiver was Rod Streater. ROD STREATER. FROM THE FUCKING RAIDERS. At least you won’t have to scroll down too far each week to find where your team ranks.
8. Here on Revis Island
7. Dickson Your Rear
Benefited from Matt Stafford (who, okay, could be a fantasy monster this year) playing the New York Giants. Hey, guess who’s not going to be good this year. It rhymes with Foo Pork Miants. I can’t wait to watch Eli suck again this year. And I’ll be doing a lot of that because they only show the fucking Jets game at 1pm and then the fucking Giants game at 4pm here in New York. God forbid I want to watch any other game on Sunday. New York is a shitty sports town, don’t let anyone tell you any different. They have like 75 teams that only people from New Jersey, the Bronx and Queens are actual fans of.
Brendo was my basement buddy last year, so I’m giving him some love. I also think his team is a bit more balanced than Justin’s.
5. Munchen on Bundchen
Goddammit Micho! I had an amazing joke lined up where I was going to rank you 11th, but then rank your laptop 2nd. But no, you went and ruined it by drafting all by yourself like a big boy. Congrats.
4. Achilles Me Smalls
Of course I’m going to rank myself this high. I don’t need to explain myself to you. But I will. A+ for my draft. Fourth most points for the week with my best RB injured. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go find that picture of Jenny Dell.
PWood was basically Ray Rice and I was standing in an elevator with him. I’m not saying I deserved to lose, but maybe I should not have said those things to provoke him into making me lose. I regret the role I played in my fantasy loss. I stand by PWood, though. Our friendship is going to take some work. Maybe a fantasy management program.
2. Beats by Ray
Only ranked here because Josh changed his name from a good one to an epic one. Game recognize game. I’m pretty sure Megatron scored 145 of his 146.65 points.
1. Jameson B.C. Portis
Jesus. Another season of Raleigh just routing people. Raleigh was totally taking advantage of those 4am wake ups from little baby J-Mo: “While I’m up, I may as well do a little more research”. I’m getting a little tired of seeing him put up 200s. I feel like he’s made more money as the High Score of the Week sponsored by Funyuns than everyone else combined. At least I beat him in the playoffs that one time. 2 years ago. I have a feeling I’m going to have to relive that 2012 season. If week 1 is any indication, this one is not going to be end well. I need a mimosa.
Don’t forget to set your line up and make your eliminator pick!
PS: This site is a work in progress, so it should look better in the future. And I’ll try to write more often. If you don’t like it, keep that shit to yourself. I’m a fragile person. Plus, I paid $18 for toppaleague.com, so I can say and do whatever the fuck I want.
If you do enjoy it, leave a comment, because the only thing more fun than talking shit, is lots of talking shit.