Power Rankings

2019 PowerRankings – Week 5

I’m so fucking sick of Projected Points. What’s even the point?! (ha!)

These things have no basis in reality. They’re calculated by some algorithm that has as much of a chance of being right as your kid putting magnetic numbers up on your refrigerator. And you know who makes these algorithms?

That’s right. Fucking NERDS! Why are we all listening to these stats compiled by nerds that don’t mean anything at all. And why do I believe it? Every time? If I read something that projected the final score of every game this weekend, I wouldn’t believe any of them. But when Yahoo tells me that DeAndre Hopkins is gonna score 13.05 points this weekend, even though he hasn’t scored double digit points since Week 1, I’m like, “Nice! Sounds good. Pencil me in for 13.05 points!”

Shall we look at a few examples? Nerds love data. So here we go:

These are from Brendo’s team this week. Some of these scores are very impressive, but some of them are not. But, all of the projections for these players are WILDLY inaccurate. What other profession can you make predictions like this that everyone relies on, can be the polar opposite of correct, and not really pay any repercussions for it? Well, that sounds a lot like being a weatherman. But I don’t bet on the weather. I don’t have to pay $100 if I thought it was gonna be sunny and it ends up raining.

Some of these projections are so grossly incorrect that it’s shocking that they even have them. Like, for example, when they project how you’re going to finish the season 2 minutes after you draft your team. The ToppaDraft projections had #Maini coming in second in points. Cut to real life, he’s the lowest scoring team in the league. On the other hand, Brendo and Buckets were supposed to come in last and second-to-last, respectively with a combined record of 5 – 21, with the two lowest scores in the league. Instead, they already have more combined wins than they were projected to have, and are second and third in points scored.

This week every team in the league is projected to score between 120 and 135 points. Except for JeffWho’s team, who is projected to score 112, which of course means he’s gonna score 213. Why even have these things? They’re all basically the same. Every quarterback is projected to score about 25. Every WR1 is projected around 12, with every RB 1 projected to score around 15. Whereas all other RBs and WRs are around 8. Tight Ends should be around 8 too, unless they suck, which they all do, so they’re probably closer to 6. Defenses are 10. IDPs and kickers are 8 or 9. Add all that shit together and you get something between 120 and 135. So why even display that shit?

My strongest guess for why they do display that shit, is for people like BoomBoom, who are playing and don’t really know who everyone is or who they should play. But for BoomBoom, who has never played fantasy football before in her life, it took all of one week for her to say “I don’t like the projections. They confused me. They’re never right.” I bet they also need to justify paying all the nerds they have on staff crunching their numbers, so they can call they’re moms and say “Mom, come downstairs, my algorithm made it onto the homepage.”

Some of them are getting absurd. ESPN uses IBM’s Watson. You know, the computer that beat everyone at Jeopardy! I’m glad Disney paid who-knows-how-much dollars to IBM to contract their supercomputer to guestimate fantasy football scores. What a great use of the world’s smartest computer! No wonder SkyNet bombs us all. It was probably like “I could’ve cured cancer, but you had me running simulations on how many yards Ezekiel Elliot will have against the Cardinals.” So when you open the ESPN app, and somehow figure out how to navigate your way to a player, Watson shows you it’s computer titties:


And it’s oh so helpful! Look at that! Josh Gordon is a 20% chance “bust” this week, but he’s a 20% chance “boom” this week, as well. And of course, that would make him 60% chance of being a regular player. You know what they call this? A BELL CURVE! And you know what falls onto a bell curve? EVERYTHING!!!!!

I should just ignore them. I shouldn’t look at the projections. But I fucking do. Like an idiot. I sit there on the shitter, comparing the receiver who’s projected to score 8.14 points against the guy who’s projected to score 8.03 points. And I can’t help but do it. I know those numbers don’t mean anything. But they’re there! And I need those 0.11 points. That’s what’s going to put me over the top this week. Sorry Mr. 8.03, you’re on the bench this week. But if you over perform on the bench, I’ll kick myself all day Sunday, then play you next week, and you’ll then underperform. So at least I’ve got that to look forward to.

Commercial I’m Already Sick Of!

Boom-Bap-Bap-Bap-Boom You know you want to Boom-Bap-Bap-Bap-Boom You can’t help yourself Boom-Bap-Bap-Bap-Boom THE CHAMP IS HERE! Boom-Bap-Bap-Bap-Boom This little ear-worm gets in your head and doesn’t go away Boom-Bap-Bap-Bap-Boom It’s the reason I’m saying THE CHAMP IS HERE while taking a piss at 12:38pm on a Tuesday Boom-Bap-Bap-Bap-Boom THE CHAMP IS HERE!! Boom-Bap-Bap-Bap-Boom but how else are you going to get people to buy Seattle Seahawks miniskirts, and full 3-piece suits in Bears orange and blue Boom-Bap-Bap-Bap-Boom you need something that digs into your subconscious Boom-Bap-Bap-Bap-Boom so that the next time you think about going to the bar to watch the game with your friends Boom-Bap-Bap-Bap-Boom you think, “I need a Ravens bucket hat” THE CHAMP IS HERE!!!!!!

Has anyone checked on Jadakiss recently? He doesn’t sound too good. Maybe it’s all the weed and cigarettes, but he sounds 67 years old. It’s definitely the weed and cigarettes.

Dog Shit of the Week

The Dog Shit of the Week this week was going to be “Projected Points” but then it turned into the whole blog. So, let’s keep part of the blog happy. Loogit that good boy! So happy! Suchagoodboy!

Week 5 #PowerRankings

Well, judging by the constant rain and perpetual wind, it looks (and sounds!) like fall is here. Let’s go ahead and rank some of the most Basic Bitch Fall Shit with this week’s PowerRankings.

12. C.R.E.A.M. Team (Last Week: 9)

Baking cookies using your Kitchen Aid and posting them on Instagram. Good job, Tiffany. You did a wonderful job dumping the package of Nestle Toll House cookie mix into that $650 mixer. You’re basically Ina Garten (who is the cook/chef of choice that Basic Bitches strive to be).

#Nick has lost 3 in a row and is still the lowest scoring team in the league.

11. Sympathy Weight (Last Week: 8)

Buying as many Pumpkin Flavored things that you can find at Trader Joes. I wouldn’t know anything about this one.

I’ve now lost 4 in a row. Fuck it all.

10. TB12 Method (Last Week: 4)

Drinking Pumpkin Spice Latte. I actually had one of these for the first time recently. I need to tell you, it’s fucking delicious. It’s whole milk with cinnamon and sugar in it. It’s a goddamn milkshake! Of course Madison drinks 3 of them a day.

A. Dias has just two losses, but in those two losses, he’s averaging only 100 points.

9. For The Table (Last Week: 11)

Flannel Shirt + Leggings + Boots. Bonus points if the boots are Uggs.

Commish has now lost 3 of his last 4, including the last 2 in a row.

8. Derby Wing Night (Last Week: 3)

Instagram holding “the perfect apple” from your trip Apple Picking. Apple picking isn’t as basic as the other picking activities since the result is delicious apples and cider and possibly cider donuts.

JBiggs is in an alternating Loss, Win, Loss, Win pattern that left him with a loss last week. He’s hoping that the pattern continues and he picks up another win this week.

7. The Handy (Last Week: 10)

All kinds of knitted shit. Mittens, hats, scarves. And it’s not even that cold out. It’s like 52 degrees.

JD’s only wins have come against #Nick and Woody. Not terribly impressive.

6. BigRigHewitt (Last Week: 6)

Friendsgiving. But you don’t really cook that much food (or what you do cook is bad). Really, Amber and her friends just polish off 2 cases of wine.

Timmy, like JBiggs, is in an alternating pattern, but his is the exact opposite: Win, Lose, Win, Lose. Timmy hopes that the pattern doesn’t repeat itself against Buckets.

5. White Door Key (Last Week: 7)

Picking out matching Halloween costumes for you and your 8 friends. And not like a theme thing either. It’s 9 identical costumes.

Micho has now won three in a row.

4. Duke Caboom (Last Week: 5)

Pumpkin Spice Latte with the Pumpkin Spice Muffin. Those things are like 500 calories. That’s like a 1200 calorie breakfast, but Mackenzie don’t care because it’s fall, bitch!

Brendo has also won three in a row now. One of his or Micho’s streaks will come to an end this week though because their matched up against one another. It’ll be a home game for both of them if they watch it at O’Brien’s.

3. James White Claws (Last Week: 2)

Instagram post amongst some beautiful fall colored trees while your best friend stands just out of frame and lightly tosses leaves around you so they look like they’re naturally fluttering around you. Why do these girls do this to each other?

PWood took his first L of the season, losing to Buckets 146-169. He’s still in first place, at 4-1.

2. Fifth Pick’s 4 Flint (Last Week: 12)

Instagram in a Pumpkin Patch. This is so much more effort than apple picking. Like, they sell pumpkins at the grocery store. And they’re just as good as the pumpkin patch pumpkins. Apple orchard apples are like 15 times better than grocery store apples, so it makes sense to go to the source. But driving to a fucking pumpkin patch? That is some effort for the gram, right there.

Buckets is the second highest scoring team in the league.

1. Big Time Danny Dimes (Last Week: 1)

All day scarf. Indoors. Outdoors. Doesn’t matter.

JeffWho is the highest scoring team in the league, with almost 800 points over 5 weeks. He’s won two in a row and scored 377 points in those last two weeks.

Thursday night football. The G-Men come to Foxboro to take on the Pats (-17). The Pats are in their ColorRush all-blue babies. I project this score to be 33.05-9.87. And it will be 100% correct.

Lineups. Picks. Games. Beers. Chips. Salsa. Good Weekend!

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