“Are you gonna give me bad advice on purpose, so I lose?”
That was what BoomBoom said when I was quiet for a minute after she asked me if she should start Joe Mixon. Turns out I just wasn’t paying attention. You know. Women. Always blabbing on and on. But, no. I wasn’t going to give her bad advice on purpose.
So I played BoomBoom in fantasy football this week. Turns out I should’ve given her bad advice. She destroyed me. “Hulk Smashed” me, as the ESPN app put it. I honestly don’t even have many highlights because it was such a blowout. She beat me 152.9 to 90.5. By like 3pm, she looked at her phone and said “Man, I’m gonna smoke you!” and I had no response. She then began to pity me. When the Pats had another interception, we both cheered. Me, because I wanted the Pats to win. Her, because she had the Pats D (who scored 23 points). She then said “It’s okay, you’d rather have the Pats win if, I’m gonna beat you.” It cut deep. There was no comeback whatsoever. I just had to take it.
Since that is the extent of my anecdotes from Sunday, I’ll provide you all with some “advice” on how to “spice up” your fantasy matchup with your significant other. Ooh la la! You see, when I was googling stock art for “couple fantasy football league” for the Week 1 blog, I came across this article from a site called LadyClever.com. Which I did not know existed and do not know what they specialize in besides helping ladies get clever?
Anyway, they have a regular(?) feature called “Ask Him” where our not-yet-clever ladies write in, and the staff guy answers them. The guy’s name is Scott and he looks like this, because of course he does:
This particular week’s question:
Q: “My boyfriend and I play in the same fantasy football league, and we face each other this week for the first time ever. I think we have a lot of opportunity to include some betting in our competition. You know, fun things that only a boyfriend and girlfriend can bet on. Do you have any suggestions for couple fantasy football prop bets?”
What do you say Scottie? Can you help a sister out?
A: You bet your sweet ass I do. This is something I’ve thought about before. I have this dream that one day I will end up in a serious monogamous relationship with a woman who enjoys playing fantasy football, and that we will square off and make all kinds of sexual bets to spice up our match-ups. (Having said this, let me know if you ever become single.)
Oh no. Scottie doesn’t know. First, the staff guy who gives advice is dreaming about a “serious monogamous relationship with a woman”. So everything this guy says should be taken with a grain of salt. And I’m not talking about those no-salt alternative seasonings they talked about in that other article. Why does he need to go out of his way to say “monogamous”? “One day ladies, I hope to have a special lady that I don’t cheat on, but until that day, take your advice from this guy!” And he also hits on the woman writing the question, even though she CLEARLY has a boyfriend. Like, it’s the premise of the question. That she has a boyfriend that she wants to share things with. And he’s like, “let me know if that whole guy your with thing doesn’t work out. But yeah, here is some dating advice.”
Let’s see what “fun” bets that Scottie has to offer:
The team who has the best performance from a player in the “flex” position gets to choose three different positions that he or she would like to experience during the couple’s next vigorous bout of sex.
BoomBoom is 7 months pregnant. Any positions we’re choosing for the sex are “Whatever works” or “maybe later.” And it’s definitely not “vigorous” Only a single motherfucker like Scottie would describe sex as “vigorous.”
But get it? Flex. Almost like flexible. Sex positions. Hell yeah. High five bro.
There’s one where the winner gets to pick a date and the loser pays. Sure. Good idea. Not terribly original. But, nice.
There’s also one about the loser having to wear a shirt that says “My Significant Other Is Better At Fantasy Football Than I Am.” To which I say, save your money and go out on a date. I’m sure your girlfriend is going to be really excited that you now own ANOTHER T-shirt.
There’s another one where whoever’s team’s running backs have the highest total, the other person much run errands for the winner. Get it? Running backs? Running errands? A real fucking wordsmith our friend Scottie is. What’s next? A bet where the losing quarterback’s team has to pay the other in quarters? Has to pay their parking meters for the week?
Anyway, the errands that Scottie thinks couples run for each other include: “some soft pretzels or tampons or whatever it is the winner’s little heart desires” Soft pretzels or tampons? Scottie has had one girlfriend in his life. He took her to Auntie Anne’s once. Then a week later she asked him to pick up some tampons for her, but he was too embarrassed, so he broke up with her. She’s better off.
The team that has the lower scoring defense must pay the healthcare premium for the other player for the month.
The fuck Scottie? Where did this come from? Nothing says romance like Healthcare Premiums. Who are you, Paul Ryan?
The owner whose receiving corps performs the best is granted one oral sex session to orgasm. If orgasm cannot be achieved, a reasonable alternative request is to be —
I’m gonna stop you right there Scottie. If this is an issue, and your discussing alternatives, you are not qualified enough to be giving advice to women. And I think your girlfriend should think about making a trade, and not just her wide receivers.
Commercial I’m Already Sick Of!
So the joke is… they went to the wrong place? I was super suped when Drogo nuked the Bud Light Knight during the Super Bowl. I totally thought we were gonna move on. But nope! Glad we get to have a whole nother season of Dilly! Dilly! Can’t wait.
Did you know Bud Light Platinum came out around the Super Bowl? I thought it was brand new. I haven’t seen it anywhere. I guess they didn’t see the White Claw wave coming. Also, can you call a beer “Light” if it’s 138 calories? Bud Heavy is 145. That shit is no longer “Light.” 8 calories is nothing. You just burned that sitting here on the toilet reading this blog. I can’t wait for other brands to start doing this. Diet Coke Platinum. Reduced Fat Hidden Valley Ranch Platinum. Welcome to Dunkin Donuts. Please try our new Fat Free Platinum Donuts. They’re actually just regular donuts but if I put enough words in front, you’ll think they’re healthy.
Dog Shit of the Week
Tyler Boyd. Zero. Point. Three. Points. OUFAHOUISAFNIUBAHFOIASFHOIFASHIOF. Fucking hell. Way to fucking go Tyler. You had one job to do. All you needed to do was score 4 fucking points. That’s 40 yards. Shit. That’s 30 yards and a tackle on yet another shitty Andy Dalton interception. Come on man. I shoulda been good. The guy came into the game averaging 68 yards a game. That was more than enough for me to hand PWood his first defeat. Instead the guy goes for 3 catched for 33 yards. 3 fucking yards short!! Just fall forward and you can get 3 yards. POINT OH THREE POINTS!! Fuck! I would’ve rathered he got his brain scrambled on the first play of the game than play and come up 3 measly yards short.
Runner up: Joe Mixon. Same shit just 7 points. Like a 2 carries for a TD woulda probably done it and given JD the win.
Week 4 #PowerRankings
Not the best week today fellas. The average score this week was 124 points. That was lower than anything all of last season. We had two scores under 100. We had five scores under 120. 4 of those 5 were matched up against each other, so at least that was exciting. If you think watching 5 year olds learning to tie their shoes is exciting.
12. 5th Pick’s for Flynt (Last Week: 2)
What a difference a week makes. Buckets went from the highest score of the week to the lowest. He didn’t even score half of the points he scored last week. Which says something about both the amount he scored this week, and how many he scored last week. Every other player on Buckets’ team, besides Wayne Gallman (20 points), scored less than their projected score. And Deshaun Watson was the only other player who scored in double digits, and that was only 12 points.
Don’t worry, A. Dias’s season-low score is still in tact. By just 0.90 points, but it’s still the worst score of the SZN.
11. For The Table (Last Week: 3)
Woody failed to capitalize on a 24 point week from the Bears’ defense. The issue was that he played 3 Patriots this week, who combined for 15 points. Woody’s team couldn’t manage to break 100 points against VC. But hey, if you’re gonna get blown out, at least get blown out by 69 #nice.
10. The Handy (Last Week: 8)
And I bet you thought it was bad losing by just ONE point. JD got 44 points from Nick Chubb. Which is awesome. But it’s not awesome if that’s all you get from your team. Every other player on JD’s team averaged 6 points.
9. C.R.E.A.M. Team (Last Week: 11)
After two weeks of putting up only 110 points, #Nick got back on track with 35 points from Lamar Jackson and 38 points from his special teams (Kicker, Defense and IDP) en route to 136 total points. Unfortunately, he ran into a JeffWho sized buzz saw, and still lost by 26. #Nick is now the lowest scoring team in the league and the only team yet to score 500 points this season.
8. Sympathy Weight (Last Week: 9)
I have now lost 3 games in a row and lost to my wife. This is going great. I can’t wait until the last week of the season, where I’m 5-7 and vying for that last playoff spot and I win, but don’t score enough points so I end up in 9th place and not in the playoffs. Really looking forward to it.
7. White Door Key (Last Week: 5)
Micho got 50 points from Phil Rivers and Austin Ekler and not a whole lot much else. But somehow it was juuuuuuuuuust enough to beat JD by one point.
6. BigRigHewitt (Last Week: 6)
Of course the week after I said Timmy’s team is looking frisky he only puts up 117 points. Timmy couldn’t Timmy harder if I asked him. Timmy had 7 players in double digits, so he didn’t even have that bad of a week. But Danny Dimes was not the one and true savior that was promised. He only put up 225 and a TD, with 2 picks.
5. Duke Caboom (Last Week: 4)
That’s two in a row for Brendo. Again he was able to get 47 points out Christooper McKupp. Baker Mayfield must’ve laid off the sweets this week, because he finally went off, putting up 28 points.
4. TB12 Method (Last Week: 12)
After last week’s little stumble, which I savored like a fine wine, A. Dias bounced back with a 40 point victory. This week, A. Dias had one player score over 30, four over 19 and another 2 with 10. It was enough to overcome the -0.60 from Delanie Walker and still win handily.
3. Derby Wing Night (Last Week: 10)
It’s a bit ironic that Woody played three Pats players and then JBiggs ended up playing the only one worth playing last week, the Pats D. The New England defense outscored Tom Brady, Josh Gordon and Sony Michel combined. And also outscored my entire Wifey League team. JBiggs also got 77 points out of 3 Packers players. That alone, combined with the Pats D, was enough to beat Woody’s shitty 93 total points. But, JBiggs put up an additional 62 points, to ensure he got the blowout of the week by 69. #nice
I appreciate the synergy of the Blowout of the Week being by 69. Makes my life easier. You may have noticed I have yet to have a sponsor for the Blowout of the Week this year. The sex toys thing was becoming hard… errr difficult. I feel like that joke has gotten me as far as I could take it, without it getting REALLY weird. Like, weirder than even I like to get.
Then I thought about including a picture of a disgusting shit, inspired by the time we got a mailer from Ocean State Job Lot that said “Urgent Blowout” and then I said, “I’m gonna have an urgent blowout of my own.” on my way to the bathroom. (PS: I can’t wait to be a dad. I might ONLY communicate to my son in dad jokes.) I also thought, if I could keep the gag going long enough then I could include little RhysNice Jr’s blowouts. But, guys. There are some gross pictures on the interwebs. Like, real, real gross. It’s for the best.
2. James White Claws (Last Week: 1)
PWood played like the Pats this weekend. Sometimes it’s a tougher game than you expect and things aren’t working out for you. But champions do what it takes to win. And a “W” is a “W”. Even if you win ugly, you still win. PWood is still undefeated and is the second highest scoring team in the league.
1. Big Time Danny Dimes (Last Week: 7)
JeffWho put up this week’s High Score of the Week by outscoring JBiggs by just 0.40 points. This week’s High Score of the Week is sponsored by Queso (but not this queso), which is kind of the perfect munchies food stuff. Being stoned is the perfect excuse to eat as much queso as you normally would want to. For some reason, when I tell people I like queso they look at me like I shat on the carpet. But when you’re nice and stoned, oh man, people are all “Viva la queso!”
JeffWho got over 30 points each from Chris Godwin, Leonard Fournette and the Pittsburgh D. He’s still only 2-2 but is now the highest scoring team in Toppa League.
The Rams go to Seattle (+1.5) tonight and do I have some news for you:
That’s right!!! We got Ecto Cooler Color Rush for the Seahawks. The Rams are in their white on whites, to ensure that your eyes are fully bleeding while watching this game. Makes me as excited as when Scottie sees a bunch of married women walk into the bar.
Lineups. Picks. Games. Beers. Chips. Salsa. Good Weekend!