Listen, I’d really like to try and save the Earth. But it’s fucking tough. I’m all about that Reduce, Reuse and Recycle life. BoomBoom and I only throw away 1 bag of garbage each week. Everything else is either composted food scraps or recycled. I even recycle the bottles and cans BoomBoom refuses to put in the actual recycling bin. You know the ones she puts next to the sink DIRECTLY above the recycling bin? Don’t worry though, she washes them out so they’re clean, so really the only step standing in her way of putting them in the recycling bin is actually PUTTING it in the recycling bin. But I’m okay with it. No complaints. None at all. Doesn’t bother me.

We’re super good about not wasting anything. We hardly ever waste food. We manage to buy almost the perfect amount of food each week, so by Saturday morning the fridge is basically empty. Part of this was born out of necessity of living in New York City, where you have to carry your groceries for 2 miles, so you learn quickly how to live without extraneous food stuffs. Also you use your refrigerator for storage in a NYC apartment, so there’s no room in the fridge for food. That’s for your pots and pans, DVDs, and your underwear.

I do all that, and it’s still not enough. Every other week it seems like I read another headline like, “Scientists: Guys, we said this last time, but we’re gonna say it again, everyone’s really, really fucked.” New data, same result! So, I try to find a new way to reduce my output. We bought reusable ziplock bags and reusable straws. That feels good. Because, fuck straws! Oh you thought I was gonna rail on paper straws, cuz those suck, right? But why stop there? Fuck ALL straws. Why are straws a thing? We as a grown up, adult, society realized that when we go out, we can no longer bring a cup up to our mouths to drink like every other time that we drink something, so we need to instead suck our drinks through a disposable tube? I’m so upset I’ve only just realized this. I could’ve been hating on straws for YEARS! Ugh, they make me sick. Oh, would you like a straw for your can a Diet Coke because you don’t like taking little silly sips? What are you a fucking invalid?!? Drink that shit.

But even that’s not enough, “Scientists: Earth is literally on fire.” We bought these reusable cover-things to go over various jars and open stuff. BoomBoom saw an ad for them on Instagram. Then I saw an ad for them on Instagram. And now you’ve probably seen an ad for them on Instagram. Because Instagram knows and sees all. All hail our future Instalords.

I was really excited about these little guys. I get to take another small step towards saving the planet, plus I get to never use fucking Saran wrap ever again in my fucking life. Ohhhhhh my god how I fucking detest Saran wrap!! Wrap something in Saran Wrap? I’d rather inhale Sarin gas. Can I interest you in attempting to cover this bowl in a sheet of plastic? First you must rip the plastic off of a roll that will fall out of the box while you are unraveling it. Then when you go to rip off a piece, it will start to stretch and be uneven. Then after ripping it, the plastic will immediately stick to itself in a giant ball and be super annoying to pull apart. Then once you get it back to a single sheet, it will not fit on the bowl you are trying to cover because it ripped unevenly. Also, it won’t stick to the sides of the bowl. Why? No one really knows. It’s really good at sticking to itself and NOTHING else. I can’t fucking stand Saran wrap. The 7th ring of hell is just having to cover leftovers in plastic wrap for the rest of eternity while people do karaoke.

So these things came in the mail. Via Amazon. Which is single handedly destroying the Earth on their own, so that’s annoying. But, that’s another battle for another day. This was gonna be sweet. Check these things out:

They work on anything. Even fruit!!

BoomBoom was first to use these little miracle makers. I don’t remember what it was, but we put some shit in a bowl, and BAM! it was covered. The Instamercial made it look so easy. And I’ve had some practice… um… covering various… objects… with rubber objects. So I gave it a go. I was going to cover this bowl and save the environment in the process. Just call me Captain Planet!

Fuck that shit. Let the world burn.

Commercial I’m Already Sick Of!

GAAAAAHHHH!!! I knew it was coming when she grabbed the bottle, but it was still gross as fuck when I watched her chug a bottle of ranch dressing.

Dog Shit of the Week

TNT. It’s one of my favorite times of the year. THE CHAAAAAAMMMPPPPIIIIIOOOOOONNNNSSS!!!!!!! The group stage of the Champions League started last week. Which means the best teams in Europe all play each other on random Tuesdays and Wednesdays for the next, like 4 months. It’s fucking dope. Especially if you work from home. Or take a late lunch. Or just don’t give a fuck about your job.

Two years ago Turner Sports bought the rights to the Champions League from Fox Sports. Now, this honestly shouldn’t matter. But you know how during March Madness Turner Sports shows every single game on TNT, TBS, CBS and truTV? Yeah, not the same thing. Fox used to show a game live on FS1 and another on FS2, then replay all the other games on tape delay throughout the rest of the day and into the night. There’s 8 games on each day, Tuesday and Wednesday. TNT plays two. And I don’t need them to show all 8. But on Tuesday, the main game was Napoli vs. Liverpool, which was a game I wanted to watch, so I was happy. But it also meant if you wanted to watch the second best team in Germany play the best team in Spain featuring the best player of all time, you have to pay $2.99 for the opportunity to watch it on your phone. And on Wednesday, again, the featured match-up was great: PSG vs. Real Madrid. But again, if you were, say, Micho, and you wanted to watch, say, your favorite accused rapist, Ronaldo, play for Juventus against Athletico Madrid, you were shit out of luck. I’m not talking about going crazy here. I don’t need to see Dinamo Zagreb play Galatasaray. But, you know, they could maybe put another game on truTV. Like, what kind of ratings does the 7th rerun of truTV Top Funniest do?

Also, Steve Nash is one of the halftime analysts. It makes no fucking sense. This would be like if they replaced Terry Bradshaw with… well, that’s a bad example. It’d be like if they put ARod on the halftime show of a basketball game, and he was like “What? I like basketball!”

Week 3 #PowerRankings

12. TB12 Method (Last Week: 1)

OOOHHHH YEEAAAHHH! From first to worst. What an all-around shitty showing by A. Dias this weekend. Just one player in double digits. Every other player on his team averaged under 5 points. He underperformed this week’s projections by 60 points. Not the first time you’ve underperformed on the weekend, amirite buddy? Now this isn’t the worst score in Toppa League history. That belongs to someone who’s not even in the league anymore. So you’ve got that going for you. That said, this is the 7th worst score in Toppa League history, and there’s a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, good chance that this is the worst score of the year.

11. The C.R.E.A.M. Team (Last Week: 8)

I was ready to dub #nick’s team the heir to the throne based on Lamar Jackson alone. But turns out you need at least 2 more players than just a quarterback. Jackson put up 23, which was actually worse than he was projected. #nick didn’t get much help from anyone else on his team, especially only 12 combined points from his wide receivers.

He did have a sick bow-tie on this weekend though.

10. Derby Wing Night (Last Week: 4)

Dude’s in fucking Aruba. Who cares where I rank him?

9. Sympathy Weight (Last Week: 5)

Jesus, these leagues are killing me. I’m in the top half of the league. I think I’m doing well. I THINK some of my players are doing well, but I can’t remember what league they’re in. And next thing you know… I lose by 40 to Brendo and am in the bottom half of the league.

And texts!!! So many fucking texts!! I’m in two other group texts for these two other leagues and they just fucking text and text and text and TEXT. Shut the fuck up! One of em doesn’t even have memes in it. But then the other is nothing BUT memes. I wake up and there’s a red circle with a 45 on the messages app. Shoot me in the face!

8. The Handy (Last Week: 7)

Best man? Maybe. Best Fantasy man? Not this week. JD had some bad luck, with a couple 1 pointers from Stefan Diggs and Vance McDonald. He had good-but-not-great days from everyone else and came up short against Woody.

7. Big Time Danny Dimes (Last Week: 2)

I bet JeffWho is just happy with the real life win over a fantasy win this week. I’ll eat some crow. Mmmmm crow! Danny Dimes is the real deal. He was really slinging it against the Bucs defense. And not everyone can do that.

It’s gotta hurt though, first Timmy beats you in fantasy (after Russel Wilson scores 56, no less) then comes in and scoops your new favorite player off the waiver wire from right under you.

6. BigRigHewitt (Last Week: 10)

Timmy was able to withstand 2 interceptions and 2 fumbles from Jimmy G to get the win this week. It helps when Mike Evans goes for 44 points. And if Danny Dimes is the real deal, and is an upgrade(?) over Jimmy G, you know what? I think Timmy’s team is looking a little frisky.

5. White Door Key (Last Week: 12)

Micho had 4 players score over 20 points this week and another 4 in double digits. He picked up his first win of the SZN in a big way, putting up the second highest score of the week and blowing out #nick by 67.5 points.

4. Duke Caboom (Last Week: 11)

Brendo also picked up his first win of the SZN in a loud fashion, putting up 171 points and beating me by 37 points. Keenan Allen, Cooper Kupp and Christian McCaffery (say that 3 times fast!) combined for just 100 points. I was pretty much toast after that.

3. For The Table (Last Week: 9)

Welp. Somehow, again, Commish has Tom Brady, and he’s going off for him. Commish got 28 from Brady, plus 24 from the Chicago D and 25 from [checks notes] Sterling Shepard. Wait, really? So the Giants are like a fantasy thing now? God I can’t wait for them to end the season 6-10, lose a ton of games 31-34 but always cover.

Woody is matched up against JBiggs this coming weekend. Vice Commish vs. Commish. VC vs… C? Battle for the fate of the league.

2. 5th Pick’s for Flint (Last Week: 6)

There were a lot of blowouts this week. While not being the biggest blowout of the weekend. Buckets destroyed JBiggs by 67.2 points. Buckets actually had 5 players in single digits this week. But, he got 42 from Deshaun Watson, 36 from Mark Ingram, 27 from Jacksonville, 25 from Evan Engram, and 23 from Julio Jones. Those five players alone were enough to beat JBiggs by a solid 20 points.

Jesus, man. Couldn’t you not embarrass the guy on his wedding day? I mean, what if she has second thoughts after this?

1. James White Claws (Last Week: 3)

Well, there’s only one undefeated team left. PWood went from shitting on his own team to shitting on the rest of the league. PWood spanked A. Dias by 65 points to go to 3-0 and #1 in both the standings and #PowerRankings. He’s now the second highest scoring team in the league. So, good news! I did that last year and lost in the Toppa Bowl. So you have that to look forward to all year.

Philly goes to Green Bay (-4) tonight. Shit. This is a good game. No snarkiness here. I mean, it’ll probably end up being sloppy and a blowout. Or a low scoring bore. But it has the POTENTIAL to be good. Set your lineups, make your picks, enjoy the games, drink some beers, eat some chips and salsa and have a good weekend!