I have a serious problem. I’m in three fantasy leagues. And it’s fucking killing me. I’m an anxious mess. All the time. How do people have affairs? I can’t even maintain 3 fantasy football rosters, and people are maintaining elaborate lies and whole other lives. Fuck that. (Or love. Whatever, you know. That’s also a reason.)
This past week I found myself both playing Odell Beckham Jr. and playing AGAINST Odell Beckham Jr. This coming week I’m starting Jared Goff in two leagues and playing against him in the third. This is ludicrous. I can’t keep up with this. How am I supposed to pay attention to 30-odd players on all my teams and the 30-odd players I’m matched up against?
I don’t even check my scores during the games at this point. I have no idea if I’m winning or I’m losing. Scott Hanson cuts to a big play and I somehow gained AND lost 15 points at the same time. And being in so many leagues makes winning mean a little less. Know why? Cuz you’re ALWAYS losing. If my Woody Math is correct, when you’re in 3 leagues there’s an 89% chance you will lose at least one of your match-ups. Not great Bob!. Last year, when I was in two leagues, I had the league I cared about (Toppa) and the league I didn’t (side-piece). It was perfect, if I won Toppa but lost in my side-piece league, I’d be like “Well, I don’t care about that league anyway.” If it was the other way around, I’d be like, “At least I won something.” If I won both? Awesome, bag of hand jobs for everybody! This year, I added the Wifey League, and I’m 0-2 in that league. So no matter what else is going on this SZN, I’ve lost every week. And I could just shrug it off and not care so much, but because it’s the league that BoomBoom is in and is invested in, every Monday she’s like “Awwwww, I’m so sorry you lost.”
It’s too many emotions. I’m having a great season (2-0), an okay season (1-1) and a terrible season (0-2) all at the same time.
And waivers are a shit show. I used to just focus on Toppa League. I would go through the “Top 15 guys you need to pick up NOW. For real. Stop working and pick these fuckers up this second!” lists on the interwebs and 14 of them would be taken, but I’d end up getting that one leftover guy. Then I’d maybe take 5 extra minutes to check and see if I could get any of those guys in my side-piece league. Now I have to check 3 leagues-worth of waivers? It’s making my brain hurt. I had like 8 waiver claims in this week and I’m pretty sure 7 of them were for the same person.
At this point, I just want to start making trades so that all 3 of my teams are exactly the same. I’d rather lose the rest of my games if it meant I just had to worry about the same 12-15 guys across the board.
And one of the commissioners didn’t have the decency to use Yahoo. So now I’m stuck with 2 Yahoo leagues and an ESPN league. So I’m now switching between two apps with two COMPLETELY different user experiences. The ESPN app is trash, by the way. It’s exactly what’s wrong with the ESPN.com site. There’s a ton of information just thrown around the page and there’s no way to get to where you want to go. Jesus, it just occurred to me. Does this mean there are kids out there using multiple dating apps? How do you remember who your talking to? If you’re swiping right on Tinder and Grindr and Bumble and D8r and Farmgirls.com and HottiesOnly, how do you remember who you’re talking to and what about? Sometimes it really is about quality not quantity, fellas. This is why I’m a one app guy. Across the board. Yahoo for fantasy. Insta for social media. Yahoo weather for the weather. It’s terribly inaccurate, but what am I gonna do look at like 6 weather apps and average the current temperature together to decide if I should wear shorts or a hoodie. One app, one answer.
Don’t think I’m not keeping all this in mind every time I watch my preggers wife walk around the house. 3 kids? Forget it. I don’t even have 3 different quarterbacks. And if their lives depended on me?? Nope. So much neglect.
Commercial I’m Already Sick Of!
Are Patrick Mahomes and Aaron Rodgers really friends? Rodgers is like 15 years older than him. A.A.Ron also strikes me as a guy who doesn’t have any friends. Sure, he’s got a couple “buddies” who hang around and he makes fun of them in ways that are always a little bit over the line, but they stay because he’s MEGA rich and they get to do cool stuff. But he doesn’t feel like a guy who has true friends who he just shoots the shit with and could depend on for like, moving a couch or something.
And we know how the last pair of State Farm “best friends” ended up:
Dog Shit of the Week
Sling TV. Me and the Woody family decided decided to go splitsies on Sling TV since none of us have cable anymore but still need that Scott Hanson fix every Sunday. When we signed up, it said you get up to 4 different devices at a time, as long as you get the correct package. Now, Sling breaks it’s packages into Orange, Blue and, wait for it… Orange & Blue. Blue seems to be more sportsy and Orange seems to be more entertainmenty and Orange & Blue seems to be both. Why these aren’t called “SPORTS,” “ENTERTAINMENT,” and something like “THE TOTAL PACKAGE” is beyond me. They probably spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on product development and ended up with packages named after colors.
Now I’ve examined plenty of packages in my day, and the Blue & Orange package says it allows up to 4 devices at a time:
Since there were 4 of us, we thought we were gold. It turns out we were more of the shit brown color that happens when you mix blue and orange.
I settled onto the couch at 12:55 to watch the RedZone clock countdown to kickoff*. I was fucking psyched. I watched the countdown. I watched 8 simultaneous kickoffs in the octobox. I was watching RedZone without having to pay a dime to the cable company.** Then suddenly, I was booted:
If you look at that picture, there are 3 devices in that list. Add in me, and that’s four. Four devices. What. The. Fuck. Well, there is some fine print on the SlingTV website that basically says, “Yeah, I know we said we give you four devices but that’s only kinda true. We give you four devices but you can only use three of them for the Blue package, even if you own both blue and orange. Why? Who fucking knows? Makes no actual sense right? Yeah. We can’t explain it because there’s no explanation.”
*This isn’t 100% accurate. What actually happened is I was ABOUT to do this and Jen said “I know football’s about to start and you want to watch, BUT can you do me a favor and move some furniture?” Because, of course she did.
**Again, not 100% accurate as I still have to pay those assholes for internet.
We then had to decide who would sacrifice themselves to the football gods. PWood and I basically reenacted the Hawkeye-Black Widow fight from Endgame trying to sacrifice ourselves. I volunteered as tribute. I’ve traveled the shadowy hallway into the Dark Web before, and was willing to do it again this season. But before I could shut off all the lights in my living room, PWood gave me the last life jacket and jumped off the ship.
Also, the picture is fuzzy from time to time and you get one of those loading, spinning wheels in the center of the screen once every 20 minutes. 2.5 stars. Would not recommend.
Week 2 #PowerRankings
12. White Door Key (Last Week: 10)
How did I totally miss it was JeffWho vs Micho this week? That’s my favorite matchup of the year. It’s just too early in the year for it. It’s like when the Red Sox and Yankees play each other 8 times in April. It’s too soon. Gotta let the SZN breathe a little bit first. Instead JeffWho beat Micho by 23 this weekend and Micho just took it. He didn’t drop one C-bomb in the group chat. Which means JeffWho didn’t challenge him to a boxing match. Which didn’t mean Brendo offered to referee that boxing match. It just wasn’t the same.
11. Duke Caboom (Last Week: 6)
Unfortunately for Brendo, a bounceback week from Baker Mayfield was not enough to get a win. Aside from Baker, only Cooper Kupp and the Rams D scored in double digits. Brendo’s now at the bottom of the league looking up.
10. BigRigHewitt (Last Week: 4)
After looking like Timmy could be off to a hot start and actually threaten for something this year, Drew Brees got hurt, putting up negative points in the process. This pretty much torpedoed Timmy’s week, because the rest of his team actually had a decent day (except for Alshon Jeffery’s seagull egg). Timmy now looks for Jimmy G’s goddamn-really-freaking-handsome face to lead his team to victory for the rest of the SZN.
9. For The Table (Last Week: 5)
Oh god, this matchup between Woody and #Maini was terrible. It was just… bad. I don’t know. It was like two kids taking turns wacking each other with the lid of a trash can:
8. The C.R.E.A.M Team (Last Week: 7)
#Maini somehow won this shit show, because someone had to. Lamar Jackson scored 43 points, which was enough to single handedly win this matchup. Jackson now has 96 points through 2 games. That’s fucking nuts. And seriously could win the Toppa Bowl for #Maini. Calling it now. #BabyBelt
7. The Handy (Last Week: 11)
This week JD was able to get some good news on Monday night. He came into Monday Night Football down by 3, with Nick Chubb still to play. You’d think that would be all but a sure thing, but you never know with the Browns. Well, except when they’re playing the Jets. Then you know. Anyway, Chubb went for 62 yards and a score and pulled JD up to .500.
6. 5th Pick’s 4 Flint (Last Week: 3)
I could go into how Buckets got 31 points from Julio-down-by-the-schoolyard but it was offset by a disappointing day from DeShawn Watson (12 points), but the real story is that Buckets has to be one of the only people who played Raheem Mostert and capitalized on his 22-point day. For real, who cares if he won or lost? That is an incredible gamble that actually paid off. “Yeah boy. Gotta go with my dog Raheem. Monster Mostert. That’s what I always call him. Yeah boy.”
For some reason, in my head Buckets is an extremely low-key combination of Randy Savage and Flavor Flav.
5. Sympathy Weight (Last Week: 8)
It’s always a good time when you score the 3rd highest point total of the week but are matched up against the guy who put up the second highest score. This week, I needed 10 points from Austin Hooper on Monday night. I checked the score before I went to bed and he had 2.6 points, and it was only their first drive. When I woke up, he had 3.4 points. Nice.
4. Derby Wing Night (Last Week: 12)
Nice bounce back week for the champs. Makes sense. There’s all that excitement from the championship celebration during week 1. The banner being raised. The belt ceremony. It’s a big deal. I can see how you’d get jacked up, and then not be in the right frame of mind for the game. Well, JBiggs took care of business this week, with the second highest score in the league.
3. James White Claws (Last Week: 2)
PWood sent me a text to roast him even if he ended up winning this week, because his team is wack. I’m not sure what that says about the rest of the league if PWood ended up with the Biggest Blowout of the Week and outscored 8 other teams this week. To be fair on Monday morning the 106-107 rock fight he was in with Timmy did look like dogshit, just not as much dogshit as Woody vs. #Maini. Plus, he probably didn’t expect OBJ to go off for 30 points.
2. Big Time Danny Dimes (Last Week: 9)
Oh ho ho! I had some stuff already written asking whether JeffWho was fired up for his new franchise QB. But then he went and changed his team name on me. Eli who? I can’t wait for this team name to be Danny 3 Pennies, because every throw is a 3 yard check down. Heyoo!
1. TB12 Method (Last Week: 1)
Goddammit. Another big win for A. Dias. He’s now won his two matchups by an average 58 points. This week he’s matched up against PWood, who, according to PWood, has a terrible team. So if he wins, he’ll be the only undefeated team left in the league. Then, obviously, he’ll just go undefeated all SZN. What a terrible thought.
Awww yeah, now we’re talking. It’s Thursday night. You know what that means. It’s the Jags. It’s the Titans. Somehow both these teams are getting 3. Did you know the Jags and Titans have played each other on Thursday night 43 times since they started playing on Thursday nights?
Jacksonville is coming off a loss where they decided to go for 2, when they were down by one, and ran the ball with their running back, who had 47 yards on the day, and took the ball out of the hands of their backup-but-maybe-might-not-fuck-this-up-and-might-be-able-to-make-some-throws quarterback, who led them down the field to score BTW. Oh and their best player got in a fight with their coach and wants a trade. The Titans on the other hand are coming off… being the Titans. Either way, take the Colts to win the division.
Set your lineups, make your picks, enjoy the games, drink some beers, eat some chips and salsa and have a good weekend!