I recently went to a brewery that’s right down the street from my apartment. They just redid their taproom so now it’s much bigger and nicer. It used to be a really tiny, broken down room with a bar, where the paint was chipping and there were holes in the walls. The new spot is huge (for NYC) with a half dozen large, communal tables and actual seats at the bar. They kept some of the dinginess, but now the unfinished and chipped paint on the walls is on purpose. The old taproom had just one bathroom, that was also the storage closet. It had a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and a weird, huge poster of the gastrointestinal tract on the wall.

When Boom Boom and I went to the new place, she said “I’m gonna go check out the new bathroom.” I was immediately intrigued. The rest of the place had clearly been upgraded, how had the bathrooms been improved? When she came back, I asked and she said “They’re nice.” This was not enough of a description for me. Thankfully, this wasn’t like when you go out to dinner at someone’s house and you tell them the food is “good” but really tastes like cat puke. These bathrooms were actually nice, but I craved a description. A way of knowing right away how “nice” this bathroom was. I needed some type of score.

So I have devised a scientific rating system for public bathrooms to be used heretoforth:

Overall

Single Unisex (+5 points; subtract 10 if there’s a line)

There are exceptions of course, but overall single unisex bathrooms always seem to be a bit more nicer and cleaner than bigger bathrooms. I wonder why that is. Is it because guys know that there’s a 50/50 chance of a woman using it directly after you, so they try like 8% harder not to pee all over the walls? Or is it that a place that tends to have a single unisex bathroom, is a little more grownup than a place that is trying to cram as many people as possible into the bar itself but also the bathroom? Either way, I enjoy being alone with my thoughts while I pee, even if it’s only for a little while.

Space (was clearly once be a closet -10 points; Approximately the size of your bathroom at home 1 point; Has 5+ toilets +5 points)

I don’t need the world’s most expansive bathroom here, all I’m asking is that I don’t hit my head on the door when I wipe.

Wetness (On a scale from 0 to 10, 0 being dry, 5 being half the bathroom floor is wet, 10 is the entire floor is soaked and subtract that score)

Why is the bathroom at O’Briens wetter than my bathroom after I give my dog a bath? What the fuck is going on that would cause puddles on the ground. Are little kids scooping water out of the toilet and flinging it at each other? Are people so wasted that they line up 8 inches too far away from the toilet and just pee on the floor? Do the toilets flush extremely violently? So much so that the water explodes out of them?

Smell (Smells like poop -10; Smells like 35 toilet cakes -5 points; Smells like flowers +5 points; Smells like vomit -1000 points)

Sometimes when we clean the apartment, Boom Boom will light scented candles, because she’s into the girly shit. She’ll light one in the bathroom and it makes for such a pleasant experience. But smell in a bathroom is a slippery slope. Obviously, a bathroom that smells like literal shit, is a bad time. But when the bathroom smells a bit too much like cleaning products, it makes me a little sick.

Toilets

Trough (-10 points)

Nope. Just nope. We do not live in the middle ages. If I wanted to pee in a bathtub, I’d stay at home.

Things to aim at (+10 points)

When they put one of those little flies in the urinal and you get to aim your pee at it. Not only am I relieving myself, I get to play a game. Two birds with one stone! Yet another reason why women’s lives are not as much fun as men’s. On the list of reasons why it sucks to be a woman, I’d put not getting to aim your pee at Urinal Flies above waxing their entire bodies and right below childbirth.

Bonus points! Apparently this thing has been scientifically proven to keep bathrooms 85% cleaner. Because men apparently can’t be trusted to not pee on the floor without something to distract us.

Sink

Small Sink (-5 points)

It turns out that when you try to put a bathroom in a closet, there’s not a lot of space in there. Toilets are a pretty standard size, so how are we gonna make up for the lack of space? I know, let’s install the world’s smallest sink. That’ll work. A sink so small you can’t even fit both hands in it under the tap. If the sink is this small, then it’s a sign the bathroom itself is too small.

Automatic Sink (-5 points)

You know what would be nice? If when I wanted to wash my hands, that I could actually get my wands wet when I actually wanted to. I rather not have to hold my hands in the sink for 30 seconds, then do a full body scooping motion putting my hands under the faucet, then move them back and forth to have the water turn on and then quickly turn off again. Just give me a handle.

Automatic Soap Dispenser (-10 points)

The only thing that works less consistently than the automatic sink is the automatic soap dispenser. I’ll keep my hands under an automatic soap dispenser for 2 solid minutes before realizing that it’s actually empty, then go over to another sink to use that soap dispenser, to have it not dispense soap, walk away, and have soap come out. Why is this a thing? Who has trouble pushing down on a small pump?

Sinks outside the bathroom (+15 points)

Oooo the bathroom is so cool, it’s been broken into different rooms. This is some fancy pants shit. I have no proof of this, but I also feel like having a separate place for washing your hands gets people in and out of the toilets quicker.

Hand Dryer

Automatic Hand Dryer (-5 points)

So many times, I have turned on an automatic hand dryer, put my hands underneath it for 45 seconds, said, “Fuck it,” and wiped my hands on my pants and left the bathroom. It’d probably be more effective if someone just blew on your hands.

Paper Towels (+2 points)

Turns out, paper towels are still perfect for drying your hands. However, there are a few downsides. One, bad for the environment. I feel like I’m killing a polar bear with each and every sheet of paper towel I use. Second, paper towels have serious potential to become a disaster area. Disclaimer: you only really need 1 or 2 paper towels to dry your hands. Who are these people who are grabbing 10-15 at a time and throwing them around the bathroom. “Oh no! The trash can is full. I have nowhere to dispose of the way-too-many paper towels I have in my hands! Oh well, I guess I’ll just throw them EVERYWHERE instead.”

Blade (+10 points)

I looooove these things. In fact, I would make love to a Dyson Blade if I were not certain it would pull off my pecker. It gets your hands so dry in like 4 seconds. Plus feels like I’m using a machine they’d have on a spaceship. “Captain, aliens are attacking” One second, let me instantly dry my hands.

Decor

Graffiti (-5 points)

I feel like I’m supposed to like graffiti in the bathroom because I live in New York and it makes them gritty and authentic. But really it just means you’re in a dive bar. Every once and awhile you find some clever shit that’ll make you laugh, but more often than not, it’s lame tags, stickers for bad bands, and racist/homophobic stuff.

Chalk (+5 points)

Oh I love chalk. This is the perfect amount of commitment I can muster up for my graffiti. I can write “RhysNice wuz here” and know if will be erased in 13 seconds, and I’m okay with it.

Pictures/Witty Signs/Things to look at (+10 points)

Anything that’ll differentiate your bathroom from someone else’s bathroom.

Bonus points: it’s good enough for you to come back and start a conversation about. For example, this will get you many bonus points

Bathroom Attendant (-10 points)

You would think this would get you extra points for fanciness, but fuck that! I do not want to have to pay someone to use the bathroom. And they “help” you with the stupidest things. “Here sir, I’ll turn on the faucet for you. Would you like a towel?” Get outta here with that! I have thumbs! I am fully capable of washing my own hands and drying them on my own, thank you. Maybe the bathroom attendant should blow on my hands to dry them. Then, they’ve earned their tip.

I now need to know how Specks rates on this scale.

Week 9 #PowerRankings

No one actually watched football this Sunday afternoon right? The Pats were on a bye, the Bills played on Thursday, the Dolphins played on Sunday night, and the Giants are teeeerrrrrrrrrrrriiibbbbllllllllle. So no one needed to watch those other games, which were pretty damn boring by the way. The league is now in a weird place where there are two teams with 7 wins, two teams with 6, two with 5, two with 4, two with 3, and two teams with only 2 wins. I don’t know if that’s happened before. Or if it means anything at all. It does mean that there are a bunch of similar playoff odds now, and that no one is out of playoff contention. Yet.

12. Beat Micho-gan (33.33% chance of making playoffs)

JeffWho’s team has yet to score 125 points in a week. He’s failed to score 90 points three different times. JeffWho is on pace to score 1376.94 points. That would be the worst amount of total points in the history of Toppa League.

11. BigBrendoBrand (68.33% chance of making playoffs)

After winning 4 in a row, Brendo has now lost 4 in a row, scoring an average of 107 points per week. He scored the lowest total of the year this week with 74.65 points. He didn’t have a single player score 15 points or more, and only had two players, DeAndre Hopkins (14.60) and Travis Kelce (13.30), score in double digits. His quarterback, Jameis Winston, gave the least inspiring pregame speech of all time, then got hurt.

If the playoffs started today, he’d be in as the 8th seed, but he’s gotta break this losing streak if he wants to stay in the playoff hunt.

10. Patsfaninthecloset (8.81% chance of making playoffs)

It’s sad that both Micho and JeffWho’s teams are so bad that this year’s Sensual Bowl didn’t produce any banter on the group chat. I can’t get a Snapchat with some doodled dicks?

It was a really close matchup too. Primed for shit talk. It was neck and neck through the late Sunday games. Then, thanks to 20 points from Jared Cook, JeffWho pulled away. Micho was able to get 27 points from Ameer Abdullah and the Green Bay defense to win by 1.30 points.

9. Dessert First (33.33% chance of making playoffs)

Woody has a 1 in 3 chance of making the playoffs. Which means he’ll probably definitely make the playoffs.

Woody and I had a crazy matchup this week. Look at Yahoo’s game flow graph:

At the end of the late Sunday games, I was up by 3 points. After the Sunday Night game, Woody was up by 7.20 points. On Monday night, I was able to get 15 points from the Detroit defense and pull out the win.

8. CheesyGorditaCrunch (71.47% chance of making playoffs)

JBiggs had won his last two in a row and was averaging 163 points per week, but this week he only managed 100 points against PWood. JBiggs is now 4-5, but is 4th in scoring. He’s got an over 70% chance at making the playoffs, but it’s going to be a tough road. He’s matched up against four top-6 teams, who have a combined record of 24-12.

7. FuseLitHugeDick (90.81% chance of making playoffs)

For three weeks, Timmy’s dick fuse was lit, winning three in a row. This week, the fuse went limp, as Timmy experienced the other side of #MainiMagic. Timmy managed only 103 points this week. Timmy bet on the always scary (not in a good way) Eli Manning and only got 18 points out of him. He also got a goose egg from Zach Ertz after he was scratched before kickoff. Timmy also had 6 players with 5 points or less. He’s got a good chance of making the playoffs, but has to play Vegas, and the two DeSantisesesseses in the next 3 weeks. However, he does have a safety net. If he somehow hasn’t made the playoffs in the final week of the season, he gets to play JeffWho’s terrible team.

6. Halftime in Cinci (8.81% chance of making playoffs)

There it is! After averaging 141 points per week in his last 4 matchups and still losing all four, PWOOD finally pulled out the victory. T.Y. Hilton and Jacoby Brissett combined for 74 points, which would be more than enough for PWOOD to get his 2nd win of the year. His playoff chances are slim. Not only would he have to win the rest of his games, but a bunch of other stuff would also probably need to happen, like every other team in the league losing every single week.

5. PowerFranks Gore (90.81% chance of making playoffs)

I have two playoff “computers” that I use. Well, that I used to use. One is a spreadsheet that I downloaded and enter all the data into manually. The other is a web app, that actually just imports all our shit straight from the interwebs. However, I’ve stopped using the spreadsheet because it doesn’t make sense. Most of the odds made sense. Vegas, Buckets and Maini were pretty much locks to make the playoffs. JeffWho and Micho had like 2.1% chances of getting in. But for some reason, it kept saying I had a super low chance of getting into the playoffs. Like 8%. Even after beating Woody this week, it still only had me at 23% chance of making it into the playoffs. So I either had a 90% chance or a 20% chance. So I’m not using the spreadsheet this year. And I probably will somehow miss the playoffs.

4. Spoiler Alert (98.14% chance of making playoffs)

Spoiler Alert CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

• A WIN over FuseLitHugeDick -AND- Dessert First LOSS ; OR
• A WIN over FuseLitHugeDick -AND- BigBrendoBrand LOSS

Vegas gets into the Playoffs with a win over Timmy and either a Woody or Brendo loss. The odds are pretty good for him; Timmy’s coming off a loss to #Nick where he only scored 103 points and Woody and Brendo are riding 3 and 4 game losing streaks respectively.

3. Tiger’s Wood (98.14% chance of making playoffs)

Tiger’s Wood CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

• A WIN over Halftime in Cinci-AND- Dessert First LOSS -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
• A WIN over Halftime in Cinci -AND- Dessert First LOSS -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS AND- FuseLitHugeDick LOSS ; OR
• A WIN over Halftime in Cinci -AND- BigBrendoBrand LOSS -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS -AND- FuseLitHugeDick LOSS

JD has now had the highest margin of victory in two straight weeks, winning by a combined total of 165 points. Two blowouts in two weeks. We should start calling him The Blower.

2. #Brady40MainiHorny (99% chance of making playoffs)

#Brady40MainiHorny CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

• A WIN over CheesyGorditaCrunch; OR
• Dessert First LOSS -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ;

We’re into “win and you’re in territory.” #MainiMagic won’t be stopped. He somehow pulled out a victory over Timmy with just 118 points. He can earn a playoff berth with a win over JBiggs this weekend.

1. Finding Foerster (99% chance of making playoffs)

Finding Foerster CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

• A WIN over Dessert First; OR
• BigBrendoBrand LOSS -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS -AND- FuseLitHugeDick LOSS ;

5 in a row now! And Buckets has the lowest point total in the league if you don’t count Micho and JeffWho. His average margin of victory is 13 points, and that drops down to 6 if you don’t count the 40 point blowout of JeffWho.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

7-2 Finding Foerster takes on 3-6 Dessert First. If Buckets wins he clinches a playoff spot, and also helps #Nick, JD and Vegas get closer to clinching a spot as well. The other matchup that helps those guys get in, besides their own matchups, is BigBrendoBrand vs. Beat Micho-gan. If Brendo can take care of business, he keeps his own playoff hopes alive, but also helps Vegas, JD and #Nick, as well. He probably would all but seal JeffWho’s fate too.

Set your lineups. There’s only 4 teams on bye this weekend, thankfully. Oakland, Baltimore, Kansas City and Philadelphia are all off. Seattle takes on Arizona (+6) tonight. It’s a ColorRush dream with Seattle wearing their Ecto Cooler green uniforms and Arizona playing in all black.

Have a good weekend!