First things first, let’s congratulate Raleigh for christening little baby J-Mo. I’m not catholic, so I have no fucking idea what this means but it seems like people dress up for it, so it must be something important.

Next, did you guys hear? Micho saved someone at the airport the other day. Zapped him back to life! That’s fucking awesome. For real. Micho really is The Doctah. Which reminds me, I saw this billboard on my way back to NYC after Thanksgiving:

You’ve seen it too right? It’s on 95 south, just a bit before New London.

No theme this week, just some musings I had while watching football this week:

I’m pretty sure Dan Fouts said “he was able to get away with his speed and quickness.” How are these things different? Why did “quickness” become a thing that is different than being fast? What’s next? Runfastability? That’s like “Well, little Johnny was able to answer that complex math problem because of his brains and because if his smarts.” Or Meg being like “Well, I love Raleigh because he’s handsome and he’s good looking”. Or PWood saying “Man, Timmy was so fucked up last night. And he was wasted. And he was #fatfingered. And he was drunk.” Stupid NFL broadcasters. These are the same fuckers who gave us “escapability”. Not a word. People didn’t even use that word for Harry Houdini.

I cannot stand that Grand Marnier beatboxer. This arrogant prick jumps on stage while someone else is performing and ruins it by yelling “Pffffffffddddddddddddd” into the mic. Yeah that old black piano player is smiling at you, but I can guarantee he doesn’t like your entitled white ass. Go back to your loft in Brooklyn that your parents bought you.

You know what? I hate Odell Beckham Jr. Two weeks ago, I was totally in awe of his talent. Now, I’m kinda sick of everyone blowing him. Every game they show the highlights of his ridiculous warm up routine where he’s doing one-handed, circus catches, which I admit are amazing, but now they’ve started showing highlights of him doing stuff like this:

http://c.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f9?isVid=1&isUI=1

Oooooooooo!! The ball was on the ground and then he flipped it up with his legs! He spun the ball then kicked it! Woowweeeee!! Know what? I can do that shit. No, seriously. These things are unimpressive. One handed catches while falling over? Impressive. Doing soccer shit with a football that every 13 year old on a travel team can do? Unimpressive. Just remember, in a year from now when Cris Collinsworth is saying for the 433rd time “I tell you what Al, this Odel Beckham kid is something special!” and you’re ready to jump on the “I hate Odell Beckham Jr.” bandwagon, I’m the one driving that bus.

Oh, and it’s obviously a three man race for rookie of the year between ODB, Mike Evans, and Sammy Watkins. This is crazy, because by week six, ROY was going to be Sammy Watkins and it wasn’t close. Now any one of these dudes could win it. I was in a car with Woody, Raleigh and PWood discussing this very topic and Woody, who I suspect has some biases, basically said Sammy Watkins sucked and doesn’t deserve it. Recently, I thought of something that I wish I was able to bring this up in car, but I didn’t think about it at the time; Sammy Watkins would probably be undisputed ROY if he had anyone besides Kyle Orton (well anyone besides him and EJ Manuel) throwing him the ball. Saying Kyle Orton is a bad quarterback is like saying sex is fun. I mean of course, but it’s much, much more than just that.

There aren’t many football related things I like more than watching Andy Dalton being bad at football. My list of favorite things to watch in football are:
1. Tom Brady being Tom Brady
2. Manning face (Peyton)
3. When the Pats have a power running game.
4. Manning face (Eli)
5. Andy Dalton doing terrible Andy Dalton things.
6. Trent Richardson taking a handoff at “full speed” and running straight into the offensive line for 1 yard.

Andy (and, btw, a good football player can’t be named Andy) Dalton is perfectly good at times, but you just know the terribleness is coming. Cincinnati fans must hate themselves for convincing themselves this guy is a good quarterback. I cannot wait to bet against the Bengals in the playoffs. They’re gonna be at home and could be getting 6. And I would still bet against them. I don’t even gamble. Seriously, gun to your head, would you rather have Andy Dalton or Eli Manning? I’d probably just take the gunshot to the head.

You know who else I’m tempted to bet against? Indy. They might not be that good. Have you seen their division? They played Jacksonville, Houston and Tennessee twice. That’s awful. They also played Washington and the Giants. I mean that’s eight automatic wins! Imagine if they played in the AFC North (which, um, why aren’t they? I just looked at a map and they’re more north than both Cincinnati and Baltimore). They’d be 6-10. But, I will never bet against Andrew Luck in the playoffs. Ever. Andy Luck on the other hand? I’d take out a second mortgage to bet against that guy.

Hey, why doesn’t Tom Brady wear his pads in the Sunday Night Football player profile things? Look:

Every other player wears both their shoulder pads and their thigh pads. Every other player wants to look as tough and badass as possible. But not Tommy. He’s cool with the tight pants hugging his junk and wimpy looking shoulders. And that ridiculous smug look. Look, if I was Tom Brady I’d be oozing self-confidence too, but dude, throw us a bone. We already have to defend you against every other fan in the country who’s some combination of jealous hater and angry hater. Don’t make it harder.

If I were an actor, I’d want my agent to get me a show on CBS. Seriously, those shows are awful. But for some reason, people watch them. I don’t even think they like them. But dammit, they watch them. “Coming in January, Rhys is down on his luck and must move back in with his mom and dad (Rita Wilson and Tom Beringer). Things go from bad to worse when he must share his parents’ basement with his uncle Joey, played by Joey Fatone. Tom Arnold plays Frank, the wacky neighbor. Me and Uncle Joey, coming to CBS Thursdays after Mom.” Sounds like shit doesn’t it? You won’t be saying that when you’re watching it in syndication on Friday nights five years from now.

Playoff Recap

EasleyChungLikeBrady  290.05

Jameson B.C. Portis 161.00

Holy shit! You don’t blow out Raleigh! And not by 130 points! This is insane! 290 points?!? This beats the league record for points in a single game by 40 POINTS! Is anyone else kinda disappointed he didn’t score 300 though? I just looked at his lineup for like three minutes and there’s no possible way he could have, but I would’ve liked that. It would’ve been neat.

Jesus. This is how ridiculous PWood’s team was this week: He had the 2 top scoring players of the week (Matt Ryan and Le’Veon Bell, 100.55 combined points), 4 of the top 10 and the top 3 scoring non-QB players. If he played only his wide receivers, his defense and kicker, he still would’ve beaten Raleigh. And if he didn’t play them, he still would’ve come within less than 10 points of beating him.

TheWilforkSextape  198.45

Switches & Bitches  110.75

How do you get 38 points from your defense? That’s insane! Oh, you shutout terrible Washington with 7 sacks, two picks and a punt return TD, that’s how.

Man, it looks like this Rodgers guy is gonna be pretty good at football. It’s a good thing you drafted him Woody… wait! You didn’t? Someone else did? They must be a total idiot to give him up.

By the way, this is the formula I rode to my fantasy championship belt. Dominating QB (Drew Brees) and a dominating Defense (Seattle). Sigh.

Dibs on Mcfadden 139.70

#GronkScoreNickLose 115.85

Well this was pretty pathetic. If you combined both of these total scores, they still wouldn’t have beaten PWood. And, if you combine the scores of both of the starting QBs in this matchup, they wouldn’t have out scored any of his starting wide receivers (I know, I know ODB had 27.90 and the QBs totaled 29.65 points, but he was PWood’s flex, don’t be a dick about it.) This matchup was won by Percy Harvin. That should tell you how terrible it was. Bleh. 

Did you know Timmy would’ve been better off starting Mark Sanchez. On a related note, Colin Kaepernick stinks! 

Dickson your rear  154.35

Cam Newton Blows  146.05

Looks like mom loves Justin.

Wow, Josh’s team is name “Cam Newton Blows,” but if he had played Cam Newton over Ryan Tannehill, he would’ve won. Man, that’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

Dog Shits of the Week

Josh’s Running Backs, LeSean McCoy and Alfred Morris, who are both making a case for Dog Shit of the Year. McCoy went for 50 yds and a lost fumble. Morris had 6 rushing yards and 11 receiving yards. They combined for 4.70 points.

Runners Up: Carlos Hyde (1.20) and Jason Witten (2.60) with all those 50s and 30s on PWood’s team, these two just ruin it.

Also Receiving Votes: Torrey Smith. 0 points. Injured his knee right before the game. Pretty huge considering Josh lost by 8.40 points. That’s a 24 yard touch down catch. Or 84 yards receiving, but I feel like its more devastating to say it the other way; Keenan Allen. Have the found his body on Revis Island yet? They still must be dredging the waters.

#PowerRanks

12. Bell&BountCarPool emoji emoji
11. DoctahSpice
10. Tom Tupa
9. Achilles Me Smalls
8. Switches & Bitches
7. #GronkGoreNicksButtsSore
6. Alanis Morissette
5. Jameson B.C. Portis

Still alive

4. Dickson your rear
3. Dibs on Mcfadden
2. TheWilforkSextape
1. EasleyChungLikeBrady

It’s Woody vs. Justin and PWood vs. Timmy. Things could change if Timmy gets his swagger back and PWood just got lucky last week, but it’s shaping up to be an all Wood Final. Cardinals-Rams tonight. That’s a good one. Set your side TV to that game while you watch Me and Uncle Joey at 9pm/8pm Central on the big screen.