Why were there 9 early afternoon games and 4 late afternoon games, last week? This week, there’s 8 early afternoon games and 3 late afternoon games. Why can’t we have a similar amount of games at 1 o’clock as we do at 4 o’clock? “That’s obvious Rhys,” I hear you say. “There are more teams on the East Coast than on the West Coast and the 4pm games are reserved for those West Coast teams.” Good thinking, fair reader, but this is false. FALSE. The Jets played the Titans in Tennessee at 4 o’clock on Sunday, as did the Vikings and Lions in Detroit. Last week, the Seahawks played the Eagles at 4:30, in Philly. It no longer matters what team plays at what time. East Coast teams are totally able to play games at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. Know why? Because we have little things called LIGHTS now. We should be able to have the same amount of games at 1pm as there are at 4pm. Let’s not give my buddy Chris Hansen a brain aneurysm because he has to switch between 9 games in the early afternoon. (This doesn’t surprise me that a league that still uses blackout rules from 40 YEARS AGO is holding onto old scheduling practices.)
Here’s a plan:
#1. Get rid of the Thursday night games. Oh, you like Thursday Night Football? I’ve got an Arizona-St. Louis game from last week to show you. Or a Jags-Titans game this week. Or a Panthers-Falcons game next week. These games are dogshit. There were like 12 blowouts this year. Okay, there were actually 9, if you classify a blowout as a win by at least 3 scores. But, considering that’s out of 15 weeks, that’s pretty awful. What if I said “Hey, want to go to the movies? There’s a 60% chance it’s gonna suck!” You’d probably stay home and fire up Netflix instead. The winners of Thursday night games won by an average of 17 points. These games are just not good. I also hate having to set my lineup and make picks by Thursday. Fuck these games.
#2. Instead of Thursday Night Football, we’re going to have a 9:30am game every week in London. This is not dogshit. This is the opposite of dogshit. It’s this:
I’ve been watching a ton of Premier League this year and, let me tell you, there’s not much better than waking up on a weekend, pouring a cup of coffee, turning on the TV and BOOM! SPORTS! It’s fantastic. I love watching sports first thing in the morning. And I’m not talking about Friend of Toppa League Kevin Negandhi and for-some-reason-dressed-up-like-she’s-going-to-a-ridiculously-fancy-cocktail-party Hannah Storm showing us sports highlights from that spaceship they call SportsCenter. I’m talking real, actual sports. And maybe after finishing that cup of coffee, you go ahead and pour yourself a beer. As long as there are sports on TV, drinking at 9:30am does not make you an alcoholic. It’s true.
There are two arguments against this: (1) It fucks with people’s fantasy teams, bets, picks to have a game so early. Well, so does having a game on Thursday. (2) People on the West Coast have to get up at 6:30 am. Waaaaaa. You’re the fucking reason we on the East Coast have to stay up till 1:30 am for every goddamn important game. Go fuck yourselves hypothetical West Coasters. And maybe the players would complain, but I’m sure they’d rather a flight to London if it meant three more days between games. Plus, wouldn’t you rather go to London than say, Cleveland or Jacksonville or Cincinnati?
#3. Now we rejigger that schedule so that we have 6 games at 1pm, 4 games at 4pm and 2 at 4:25pm. I do like the new 4:25 wrinkle. It adds just a whiff of March Madness to Sundays. As the 4pm games go to halftime, the 4:25 games are running the 2-minute-drill. As the 4:25 games are entering to the half, the 4pm games are starting back up again. Then, at like 7 o’clock you have 45 minutes straight of 2-minute-drills.
#4. Then at 8:30pm we have Sunday Night Football. It’s not broke. We don’t fix it.
#5. Finally, we have 2 Monday Night Football games instead of one. One is at 8:10pm, the other is at 9:35. (Why the weird times? No idea, sports schedulers just seem to do that shit. Baseball games start at 7:10. The Super Bowl starts at 6:25. Nothing starts on the hour in sports.)
In order to do this, we put the first game back on ABC. Look, I can guarantee Monday Night Football is out performing Castle, or whatever the fuck else ABC is running on Mondays, in the ratings. I’m not even gonna look it up. Then, we put the second game on ESPN. Or, if the network execs really don’t want to go the ABC route (which would make sense, because they constantly make bad decisions. Selfie, anyone?), then we can double up and go ESPN and ESPN2. We’re going to keep Tirico and Gruden on the early game, which would be the better of the two matchups, just to keep everyone happy. Then for the late game, we team up one of the top teir college football play-by-play guys with.. wait for it… Rex Ryan! Who wouldn’t stick around till 1:30 in the morning just to hear what Sexy Rexy would say at the end of a San Diego-Oakland blowout? They should just give me the keys to ESPN now! Billion. Fucking. Dollar. Idea.
So there, I just fixed the NFL. I took something that was great, and made it greater. We got rid of the shitty football and replaced it with better football with coffee, donuts and beer. We saved Chris Hansen from having his head explode. And we added extra football on Monday night.
Let’s start off with the Consolation Bracket…
Hahahaha just kidding! Did you actually think I was going to talk about this? Fuck that, your season’s over. These games don’t matter.
West Lot Fantasy Football Conference Championship Game
Dickson your rear 160.25
The Wilfork Sextape 157.35
This was a slugfest. Woody got 50+ points from WRs Edelman & FrankenDez. Justin got 49 from his RBs, Jeremy Hill & Eddie Lacy. Both got over 15 points from their Tight Ends. It came down to Matt Stafford being a little less shitty than A.A.Ron this week. Woody should’ve known playing A.A.Ron against the vaunted Bills D.
Justin should get fined twice this week. Once for sending a group text at 6:15am on Tuesday, and the second for giving himself the nickname The Unranked Assassin. That shit is horrible. That’s like a nickname a backyard wrestler give to himself. “Tonight! At the Coventry High School Gymnasium! The Unranked Assassin takes on the Frank “The Irishman” O’Neill! In a Tables Ladders & Chairs match that will only feature one table because we can’t afford to break more than one, and will not have a ladder because the janitor needs it to change lightbulbs in the science lab! Be there!”
I’m so freaking sick of Justin’s team. If this motherfucker wins a belt, I will be like a 25 year old girl who CAN’T EVEN!!
Let’s get some help from Yahoo! to let us know how lucky Justin has been this year:
- Dickson your rear would be 6-9 if they played TheWilforksSexTape every week.
- If they played the same schedule as TheWilforksSexTape, Dickson your rear would be 4-8-1 !! By the way, we basically all have the same schedule, just play each other in a different order than luckyass Justin. Case and point:
- TheWilforksSexTape would be 10-3 if they played the same schedule as Dickson your rear.
- If Dickson your rear had played every team in the league each week, they would be 63-93-1.
- Maybe I didn’t deserve to be in the playoffs but: If they played every team every week, Achilles Me Smalls would be 69-74. Just sayin’. (When doing that research, I found this little nugget: Luck has not been with Achilles Me Smalls, as seven of their eight losses have come when their opponent scores higher than their season average. FUCK!)
- Had they played each other last week, Dickson your rear would have lost to TheWilforksSexTape 198.45 – 154.35.
East Lot Fantasy Football Conference Championship Game
Dibs on Mcfadden 102.40
This was a whoopin’! Second week in a row PWood dropped the hammer. This time he only needed one receiver to do the job. ODB had 37.30 points this week. And I’m sure he did some sweet Beckenbauer Cuts while running his routes before the game. His other receivers only combined for 18.70 points this week. Of course, Timmy’s only combined for 19.70. Timmy’s team laid an ostrich egg this week. His highest scoring player was the Seattle Defense with 23.00. Not bad, except when you look and see that his next highest scoring players were Mark Ingram and Mark Sanchez with 11.90 and 10.60 points, respectively.
Dogshit of the Week
A.A.Ron Rodgers. 185 yards passing, 2 Interceptions and a fumble. 6.95 points total. It’s gotta be better than that.Trent Richardson almost had more points than that. Almost. Let’s not get crazy. (BTW “It’s gotta be better than that” is something fucking stupid coaches say all the time. I’ve had coaches say this to me. You hear the guys on the postgame shows say it all the time. “It’s gotta be better than that.” Really?!? No shit!? You don’t think I know I played a shitty game? Also, if you’re the fucking coach, then tell me how it’s “gotta be better.” Actually coach!)
Runners Up. Like, all of Timmy’s team. 10.60 points from the Sanchize. His WRs combined for 19.70 points. RBs combined for 21.80 points. Colby Fleener had a whopping 3.80 points in his TE spot. IDPs combined for 10.50.
The Dark, Depressing Room of Losers
12. Bell&BountCarPool emoji emoji
10. Tom Tupa
9. Achilles Me Smalls
8. Switches & Bitches
6. Alanis Morissette
5. Jameson B.C. Portis
4. Dibs on Mcfadden
2. Dickson your rear (Begrudgingly)
So our Super Bowl is set. We’ve got Dickson your rear bringing their soft 11-4 record into a matchup with a scorching hot EasleyChungLikeBrady. Can Justin’s luck last for one more week? Can PWood keep up his high octane scoring? Right now, EasleyChungLikeBrady is projected to win 195.27 to 133.61, but anything could happen! Especially with luckyass Justin involved!
Don’t worry about setting your lineups because we’re all fucking losers except these two, and they’ve already set their lineups. Don’t watch Titans-Jags. Just don’t. Do something productive with your life. Cook dinner for your significant other. Read a book. Do some Christmas shopping. Do anything but watch this goddawful game.