I’m back bitches! I’m no longer too Murphied to type, and I’ve got some things to say and some shit to talk.
Before we talk about things that suck, can we take a moment to talk about how fucking amazing the Redzone channel is? I mean if you have it, you already know. But let’s talk about it anyway. I live alone and though Ollie is a great drinking buddy (you should see the shit he does when he’s fucked up!), he’s not much of a conversationalist. So, I don’t get a ton of opportunity to discuss these types of things with many people. 7 hours of only the best football, with no commercials? We’re spoiled. Ruined. I was at a bar in San Francisco two weeks ago with four 50+ inch screens on the left side of the wall showing games, four 50+ inch screens on the right and a 100+ inch screen in the center showing the Niners game. And I was bored at times. Many times! At home last Sunday, I held my pee for 2 hours because I didn’t want to miss anything.
And Chris Hansen is the fucking best. I’m not even jealous of his job. It’s one of the coolest jobs in the world, but he does such a good job at it, he can keep it. He’s the perfect mix of professional sportscaster with a sprinkling of drinking buddy. It’s awesome. I just want to hang out with that guy. Do you think he’s like that all the time? Oh man. “Big Bang Theory has just gone over to commercial so we’re going to switch over to Family Guy on TBS. Okay and the chicken fight has just ended so we’re going to go with a Seinfeld double box with The Junior Mint on CBS 2 and The Puffy Shirt on Fox 5.” Now I really want to hang out with him. I hate having control of the clicker anyway. Maybe he does it with everything. “This steak is a blowout so let’s go back and forth between the mashed potatoes and the garlic broccoli.” Oh my god! Imagine how the guy watches porn! I mean I never want watch porn with another guy because that’s weird (17 guys on the other hand? That’s encouraged.), but that guy probably queues up nothing but the best clips.
And last but soooo not least, the touchdown montage. Jesus Christ I love the touchdown montage. I wouldn’t miss the touchdown montage for anything. I would punch a baby to watch the touchdown montage.
Now as promised, on to things that suck:
Dog Shit of the Week
The Mannings. Oooohhhhh The Mannings. 7 combined interceptions. Peyton (thankfully) had one of his typical days where he played like shit but had really good numbers. Eli? Well, Eli didn’t have that bad of a day, as long as you don’t count the less 50% completion percentage, 2 sacks, and FIVE INTERCEPTIONS.
Runners Up: The entire NFC South. Fuck this whole division. Are you kidding me? Atlanta’s in first place. Atlanta! Remember when they beat Tampa 56-14? Me neither, that’s because they lost 5 in a row after that, including losses to the Vikings, Giants, and Bears and then needed a shitty 3-6 Carolina to miss two game winning field goals in order to win. And Mike Smith is such a bad coach. I remember watching boring-ass Hard Knocks and was amazed at how bad a coach he was. Watch this video. He spent two days telling his team not to get in fights and to be more disciplined. Then they get in a fight and he’s like “Uh… sometimes fights are… good!” I don’t even think he could convince himself that they’re not soft in that speech. Even though Atlanta won last week, Vegas still has him being the favorite for the next coach to be fired at +250 (that’s a good bet Timmy). 6-10 is going to win this division. Tampa’s not mathematically eliminated yet and their 2-8. Can’t we just have a third Wild Card team instead of a division winner from this piece of shit division?
Also receiving votes: RGIII. This dude is gonna be out of the league in 2 years. He’s this generation’s Daunte Culpepper. Except he’s not Bout It Bout It; For some reason, I felt like the commentators during Sunday’s games were exceptionally more stupid than usual. Here, take these for example:
- “It’s wide.” This was after watching the replay of the Detroit kicker missing his first game-winning field goal. Really? How’d you know? Was it watching the kick live? Was it listening to the play-by-play guy say “It’s wide left!”? Or was it watching it again in the replay? And that was all he said! “It’s wide.” Fucking idiot.
- “Emmanuel Sanders is down.” The play-by-play guy said this 3 minutes after he’d already been rolling around on the ground, thinking he was back in kindergarten, while his teammates were trying to shove his brains back in through his ears.
- “Rivers is on the ground, cramping up.” Your definition of “cramp” is different than mine. I don’t call a 320-pound lineman rolling onto my knee and bending it backwards, a “cramp.” But, you’re the one with the journalism degree. Clown. Then the color guy went on to say, “The legs of a the quarterback…” Redzone thankfully cut away to the next game before that moron could keep talking (yet again, the glory of the Redzone channel!). Yes, please tell me how important the legs of the quarterback are. Are their arms important too?!
- Also, why did Fox have my best friend, David Diehl, calling the game between the “two best teams in the league” right now? The reason that’s in quotes is because, although Arizona is actually one of the best teams in the league, even with Drew Stanton, Detroit is a fucking fraud. They suck. They lost to the Bills! Then they had to come from behind to beat New Orleans (who suck), had to come from behind to beat Atlanta (who REALLY suck), and had to come from behind to beat Miami (eehhhhhhh). You get the gist. They suck. Anyhoo, my buddy Dave, the guy Fox picked for a marquis matchup, told me it’s important not to turn the ball over in the redzone. Oh, no shit!? Get the fuck out! Really?!? Why’s that? Because you could’ve scored points? And points are what you need to win?!? Fuck you, you big doofus.
Maybe they’re always that stupid and I just happened to notice it and wrote some of it down. I can’t believe these people get paid to do this stuff.
12. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week #12)
Sigh, all is right with the world. It’s all karma man. The league literally pondered for weeks what Jeff’s punishment should be for trying to sell his team. But it turns out, it was in the hands of the Fantasy Football Gods all along. The only thing that would make it better, if I had somehow told Jeff not to trade Aaron Rodgers before he pulled the trigger. Just a quick update, in case you haven’t been paying attention, he’s got 104 points in TWO WEEKS. This week, he almost had more points than Russell Wilson… by halftime.
Quick sidebar: Imagine if Tom Brady had either Jordy Nelson or Randle Cobb to throw to, never mind both! Holy shit.
11. Snitches & Bitches (Last Week #11)
Blah, blah, blah Austin’s team sucks.
10. Dickson your rear (Last Week #4)
Superfuck your team, Justin. You beat Austin by less than two points. Austin. Your team makes me want to puke. Wanna know why you’re in 10th this week? Because EIGHT other teams have score more points than you have. Fuck your 9-2 record. It’s a disgrace that you’re in second place ahead of Raleigh. He’s scored 400 more points than you. FOUR HUNDRED! The only reason you’re not 4-7 is that you’ve had the least amount of points scored against you. You should be buying a whole shitload of scratch tickets right now.
You’re probably wondering why if only eight teams have more points than Justin, then why is he in tenth? Well, that’s because just before I posted this, I noticed Brendo switched his avatar to Woody taking off his pants in the Westin hotel elevator, so I bumped him up a spot and moved Justin back. It’s about effort fellas.
9. Tom Tupa (Last Week #10)
Sorry bud, but I called this one. It was a fun ride while it lasted, but it’s back to the basement for Brendo. #basementbrendo
8. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week #8)
I stomped #Nick this week and he didn’t seem too happy about it, so I’ll be quick. He even texted out that he hated me. With correct spelling and everything! I’ll just say #Nick’s RBs combined for 7 points and if Bobby Rainey didn’t have an assisted tackle, it’d be less.
7. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week #9)
The wheels are coming off for PWood. Three losses in a row. Clinging to that 8th seed for dear life. That schedule is not looking to friendly either.
6. Retiringthisseason (Last Week #7)
Micho got Raleighed this week. If playoffs started today, he’d be in. But next week he’s matched up with a surging Woody (HA!), which could knock him out of contention. Thankfully for him, he ends the season with JeffWho.
5. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week #6)
Goddammit my team is doing well, but I feel like every week I check my lineup and go “Ehhhh, fuck it.” I don’t feel good about it. But I just gotta get in the playoffs, then its a whole new season. Everyone’s 0-0, or some shit.
4. Cam Newton Blows (Last Week #5)
Beating Pwood broke Josh’s streak of four losses in a row. With games against Brendo and Austin coming up, he should get into the playoffs.
3. TheWilforkSextape (Last Week #3)
RKO Outtanowhere! Four wins in a row, including pulling out a slobberknocker against Raleigh (198-177) two weeks ago. Woody’s looking dangerous. Man, you’d have to be an idiot to trade Aaron Rodgers.
2. Jameson B. C. Portis (Last Week #2)
Uh oh. Knocking Raleigh out of first was not a good idea. Highest score of the week (by 40!). And he’s matched up against #Nick and PWood the next two weeks. Watch your thrown Timmy.
1. Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week #1)
Timmy proved he deserves the top spot this week by winning the Blowout of the Week. Go ahead and brush your hair in the elevator mirror buddy, you’re a baller. Just remember who your coach is.
Things are heating up! We’ve got two weeks before the playoffs and Timmy, Raleigh, Woody and stupid, fucking Justin are already in. We’ve only got 4 spots left with two 5-6 teams and five teams at 4-7 fighting for those spots. Set your lineups because the Raiders play the Chefs tonight.