Power Rankings

2018 Power Ranks – Week 5

With baseball playoffs, college and NFL football in full swing and (checks notes) hockey? Really? I guess hockey has started. October is one of the best sports months of the year. There’s sports on like every night and then all day during the weekends. Sure I kinda hate it because I’m old and can’t stay up for these games and function the next day. Serioulsy, it’s gotten to the point where I’m rooting for blowouts more often than exciting games. I really just hope one team scores like 14 runs or 5 touchdowns by like 9:15pm so I can go to bed and get a good night’s sleep.

So October is one of the best sports months, but is it THE best sports month of the year? I’m glad you asked. These are the types of questions we here at PowerRanks Inc.™ are here to answer.

Before we jump into the PowerRanks, first we have to clarify that we are deciding best SPORTS month of the year. It has nothing to do with holidays or weather or birthdays or festivals or anything like that. If we were doing a PowerRanks of best month of the year, it’d be pretty easy. January through April is out because those are the months where you are tired of winter and you just want to see the sun again. And spring no longer exists (thanks global warming!). You get one sunny day in late March, one where it’s not even that hot, it’s just you haven’t seen the sun since Thanksgiving, so you put away your winter coat and then it’s rainy and 48 degrees until May.

Then there’s December which since becoming an adult is the most bullshit month ever. When you were a kid, it was like, “Yay I can’t wait for school to end and presents!!!” Now there’s the stress of trying to see both families with minimal time off. Or if you decided with your family along time ago that one side of the family would get Thanksgiving and the other side would get Christmas and yet that one side of the family that doesn’t get Christmas lays on the passive aggressiveness and guilt really, really thick in a way that makes you want to flay them with a Christmas tree. And then you have to get presents for practically everyone you know. And there’s always that one relative who’s like “don’t get me anything, I don’t want anything,” then gets you like 14 presents. And you were like, I thought you were serious. I fucking got you nothing and you gave me a new car, how is that fair?!? Plus, there’s that week between Christmas and New Years where you still have to work but no one else is there, so no work ends up getting done, but no, let’s keep the lights on!

Then we’d rank the summer months, because summer actually sucks. It’s hot. Fuck that shit. Then it’d probably be the fall months in some order, with November being first because Thanksgiving is the best. But no, we’re not ranking that.

We’re ranking the best sports months of the year. Here we go:

12. February

Just the worst month in general, not even the Super Bowl can save it. Seriously, they literally invented the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition to have an issue to put out in February because there wasn’t enough sports.

11. August

It really says something about August that the most exciting sporting event of the month is the Little League World Series. There’s still like 100 baseball games left to go, but you already know what teams are going to make the playoffs. You get a little semi for football being back, but preseason football kinda sucks.

10. July

Nothing much here but baseball. Sure, it’s some of the best baseball. Those summer days where you sit outside at a bar and drink a bunch of ice cold beers and watch an afternoon game. Sure, those days are nice. But that’s pretty much all we’ve got going on. Plus its so hot, that’s the ONLY way you can watch a baseball game. Isn’t the All-Star game in July? I literally don’t know. That’s how much it sucks.

9. December

We’re in the most exciting part of the NFL regular season. Who’s going to clinch their division? Who’s going to get a first round bye? Will there be a 7-9 team that still makes the playoffs? How many losses will the Jets end the season with? So many exciting questions. Hockey has somehow been playing for 2 months at this point, but it’s cold enough that it feels like they should actually be playing hockey. Christmas day has like 8 basketball games, or as it’s known in my household: the day I start caring about basketball. There are also all those College Bowl Games which feel like they mean absolutely nothing.

8. March

I know what you’re thinking, March Madness. And March Madness is dope. But that’s all that’s really going on in March. Plus half of March Madness takes place in April. And the best two days take place during the work week.

7. January

Best football time of the year. NFL Playoffs. Every weekend ratchets up the drama over the previous one. And there’s the National Championship game, which is SIX WEEKS after the teams play their last game. Plus there’s that outdoor hockey game on New Years Day, which is super dope.

6. September

Football kicks off, and so does… that’s right, soccer. Mr. Butt, say hello to Mr. Couch. I know it’s been a while, but the two of you need to get reacquainted because you’re going to be spending a lot of time together. The only problem is September is full of those beautiful fall days where you feel bad for sitting inside all day. I mean, you do it anyway, but at least like 4 or 5 times each weekend you look out the window and feel bad.

5. June

NBA Finals! Complete with it’s 6 days rest in between games, or if they have to travel, 14 days between games. Plus those games start at 9 o’fucking clock! I didn’t watch a game of the NBA Finals last year and the sleep I got instead was fucking magical. The Stanley Cup Finals usually bleed into June as well. Plus, we got a little baseball. And the season has been going long enough that you’ve remembered how boring it is to watch a full baseball game from beginning to end.

4. November

We’re getting close. As much as it pains me to not put November in the top spot, there are some better sports months. Don’t worry November, Daddy still loves you. By November, it actually makes sense that basketball and hockey are on TV, and I’m no longer worried the ice will melt while they play. It feels like there’s football on everyday thanks to getting three football games on the greatest eating day of the year.

3. April

NBA and NHL Playoffs begin. There’s roughly 22 games on each night. There is no sleep to be had. I’m pretty sure there was a year that the Bruins and Celtics had playoff games on alternating nights for like 2 and a half weeks straight. That may have been the year I got divorced. Plus, we got Opening Day, which is one of the great traditions and should honestly be a national holiday. Like, we don’t need to name the holiday Opening Day, we can call it something else. I dunno, National Peace and Spirit in Memory of Not Just the Troops, but Especially the Troops, and also Everybody Should be Equal Day.

2. October

Like I mentioned earlier, baseball playoffs are the month of October. It’s also kinda cool that it’s only the month of October. “October Baseball” means something. “April, May and June Basketball” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. And “June Hockey” sounds like a sport that a gym teacher made up using brooms and tennis balls. Football is starting to heat up. We kinda have an idea of who’s good and who sucks. The Pats have thrown away the entire month of September again, so they’re starting to get good again by October. There’s also plenty of college football, which, sure. If you like watching Alabama beat Delaware 134-3, but then watch their coach get made at the 3 points they gave up, more power to you. I’ll be watching all the soccer. All the european leagues are in full swing and the Champions League group stage has started.

1. May

But I think nothing beats May. You’ve got the conference finals for both the NBA and NHL. This means that there are still enough games to be on every night, but the games are the best you’re gonna get. There’s baseball, and it’s early enough in the season where your team doesn’t suck and you still get excited to watch because you haven’t sat through 279 games yet. The Premier League is wrapping up, which over the last few years it’s been wrapped up long before the last game of the year, but Championship Sunday is pretty cool since every game is on at the same time. But I think the reason that May is the best sports month of the year is because it has the best sports DAY of the year. And that’s Derby Day. Yeah I said it, come at me. What’s that? You don’t give a shit about horse racing? Well, neither do I! But I will watch Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski wear the most ridiculous clothes on the planet and host 9 hours of horse pre-game while I drink a mint julep. Oh, I’ll also watch a playoff basketball game and hockey game while I do it, because there’s always at least one of each on that day.

So there you go. The definitive list. I’m not wrong. There is no argument to be made.

Dog Shit of the Week


The Buffalo Bills. Look, I know they won this week, but it was a 13-12 rock fight over the Tennessee Titans. The reason I put them here is because I heard two amazing stats this week that really exemplify how fucking shitty the Bills are, and I just had to share them:

The Buffalo Bills begin their average drive… down by 10 points

The average distance to go on a Buffalo Bills 3rd down is… 9.3 yards

But congrats on the win and everything. No one gets pooped on by Ollie like the Buffalo Bills!!

Week 5 #PowerRankings

Well it’s Pumpkin SZN. And that means so many different things. Pumpkin Spice Lattes for the basic betches. Pumpkin beers. Going pumpkin picking. Deciding to go through a corn maze, as well, when you go pumpkin picking and then getting really angry at your family when you get lost and one of you has to pee and another is hungry. But I’m not here to go into any of that. At least this week. I’m here for dirty Jack O’Lanterns:

12. Mud Slide Wood


Mmmmm butts.

11. Chef Poissonnier Rae


Plus points for creativity. Minus points for not fully carving out the sperms. Also, why is this in the bathroom? Does it serve as one final warning before you go out for the night? Remember kids, when you go out to the bar tonight, you don’t want kids.

10. Alex’s Rub and Tug


The more I look at this, the more I’m impressed by it. I think this took a TON of effort.

9. The White Boyz


Good form.

8. East Lot Pimpin’


I mean, she looks like she’s having a good time.

7. FullTimeShittyGuy


It’s almost as if it’s telling a story. One where the gentleman here has had one to many beer bongs which has caused him to go EXTREMELY limp. (Look at that thing? It’s so limp! Why did this guy carve it like that?!) Sad that he cannot satisfy his lady, he decides to be a gentleman and offer her his beer bong. He’s hoping that the alcohol will warm her up enough that her nipples will no longer be so hard.

6. Mr. BoomBoom


Unicorns!! I love it. I love thinking about the guy who’s carving this one, while crushing a 12 pack of Natty Lights and his buddy comes up to him and is like “Bro, what if they were unicorns?” Then the high-fived 13 times in a row.

5. #MainiLovesBradyUggs


I love a good “Jack O’Lantern throwing up it’s own seeds” but the concerned face behind it really makes this a masterpiece.

We’re going to switch out this Week’s Blowout of the Week for the new Low Blow of the Week. A game where both sides were so shitty that getting punched in the nuts would be more enjoyable than looking at this garbage matchup. I can’t believe #Nick is in second place as result of this win.

4. Woken KMICHO


Mmmmmm butts. I’m not sure who or what he’s looking at. Maybe he’s just starting the day as his best self.

3. AND mccourty TWINS!!!


I feel like this is from a strip club? This is way too professional to be just some regular person. Also, Asylum doesn’t really mean anything without context, so it must be the name of the strip club. Which begs the question: who is carving professional quality Jack O’Lanterns for Asylum Gentlemen’s Club? Is it the strippers? The bouncers? Is there an internet company that exclusively produces quality Jack O’Lanterns for strip clubs? Can you get a lady on Etsy to do this?

2. Sauce on the Side


Why is he…?? Why is he opening it SO much?!?! It’s horrifying!!

1. Driveway beers


Hahahaha get it?! (By the way, I couldn’t bring myself to actually insert this image into the blog itself, but I’ll link to it. Oh god. Insert. Worst pun I could’ve accidentally made. So gross.)

The Eagles (-3) are at the Giants tonight, in a game that looks more and more like it stinks. The whole NFC East stinks. We might get a 6-10 team who wins that division and goes to the playoffs. (Thinking…) That would be amazing. So many people would be irrationally upset. I hope they both lose this game.

Have a great weekend!

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