I alluded to it last week, but we’re in full on Pumpkin Season, or PKN SZN. Everywhere you look you see pumpkins. On people’s front steps? Pumpkins. Outside of grocery stores and liquor stores? Pumpkins. At the farmers’ market? Pumpkins. At the strip club? Pumpkins.
And you know what I’m also seeing a lot of this year? Gourds. I hope you bought stock in gourds.com this year because revenue looks good. And I’m especially seeing a lot of those white mini pumpkins everywhere. It’s like the guys over at BIG GOURD figured out how to make an albino mini pumpkin and all the moms at Stop & Shop walked by it and were like “I’ve never seen a white pumpkin before, I MUST HAVE IT.” Also there’s a lot of the really gross looking ones. You know they ones I’m talking about. The ones that looks like a penis covered in boils. Yeah, I’m seeing a lot of those too. I don’t know what those ones says about the moms at Stop & Shop, though. Maybe it brings them back to high school.
This year I’ve decided to go all the way into PKN SZN. I decided I was going to eat as many pumpkin flavored things as humanly possible. Or at least as human-with-a-regular-job-and-doesn’t-get-paid-to-blog-ly possible. I wanted to eat so many pumpkin things that my poop turned orange and smelled like nutmeg.
So I set out to find as many pumpkin flavored things I could, and where did I go to find them? Why, Trader Joe’s of course! You didn’t know you needed Ranch Seasoned Crispy Chickpeas until you were standing in line at checkout at TJ’s, so of course they’re going to have the most ridiculous assortment of pumpkin flavored foodstuffs.
Before we jump in, shout out to BoomBoom who, first off, put up with rearranging our lives so we could have pumpkin flavored meals everyday instead of meals that tasted like, well anything else besides pumpkin. And second, she was the one who stopped in at Trader Joe’s, which meant she was the one who had to deal with the stereotypical, overly nice checkout guy at TJs asking her if she was having a pumpkin party. I don’t think my social anxiety could’ve handled that interaction.
Sadly, she didn’t buy Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Body Butter, so we couldn’t slather it all over each other and then provide you with a review. She clearly didn’t take this seriously enough. You all can blame her.
Since BoomBoom played such a crucial role in this week’s blog, plus, for some reason, she was really into it, I’m including her reviews of each of the foodstuffs as well. She’ll be ranking everything on a scale from 1 to 5 Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
Okay. Let’s PowerRank some pumpkin foodstuffs.
15. Artificially Flavored Pumpkin Dairy Whipped Topping
This tastes kinda exactly as it sounds. The “artificial” pumpkin flavor sure tastes artificial. It tastes kinda like if you put whip cream on a slice of pumpkin pie, then took a big bite of both. Which begs the question, what is the purpose of this? What do you put this on? Pumpkin pie seems excessive, and the flavor it too strong to put it on anything else that you don’t want tasting like pumpkin. Nipples maybe?
BoomBoom Review: This was the first thing we bought (and we actually got it at Stop & Shop). She was really into this stupid idea overall when I brought it up. When we tried this, I could see she had doubts about this whole thing. And possibly me in general. 2 PSLs
14. Petite Pumpkin Spice Cookies
I honestly can’t tell if I like these. They might be awful. But I couldn’t stop eating them. I love yogurt flavored things. When I die, bury me in yogurt covered pretzels. But with these, either the yogurt had weird pumpkin spice in it, or the cookie itself had weird pumpkin spice in it. Either way, it wasn’t quite right. But they were small enough that you can put three of them in your mouth at the same time. So I kept doing that.
Boom Boom’s Review: They’re disgusting. Too sweet. 1 PSL
13. Pecan Pumpkin Instant Oatmeal
Yikes this was sweet. And not very pumpkiny either. I like a little more oatmeal with my brown sugar. Pecans was a nice touch though. I might start adding them to my oatmeal every time.
Yes, and our coffee mugs are a set that my sister-in-law bought us as a joke that say “Hubby” and “Wifey”. We now use them pretty much exclusively and kinda non-ironically.
BoomBoom’s Review: Too sweet, but otherwise okay. 3 PSLs
12. Pumpkin Spice Coffee
These were Keurig individual cups of coffee. These were terrible on so many levels. First, I brought them to work because we have a real coffee maker, because coffee is not actually that hard to make. Turns out the Keurig at work is kinda broken. It doesn’t close without you sticking your fingers in there and holding a latch while also stabbing yourself with the puncturer. So that was super annoying. Then the coffee itself was pretty bad. It had nothing to do with the pumpkin spice. It wasn’t sweet or overpowering or anything. It’s just that Keurig’s make bad coffee. It tasted burnt.
BoomBoom’s Review: Since she accidentally bought the Keurig cups, she thought she could dump all the little cups into a pot and make coffee that way (which I thought was a good idea). She literally opened the package, took half a whiff, and closed the box and told me to bring them to work. 1 PSL
11. Pumpkin O’s
These are way too sweet. I thought they were gonna be like individual pieces of pumpkin pie, which for dessert would be cool but at 7am with a cup of coffee is gross. The first bite was basically a spoonful of sugar. After a while I got used to it. They kind of taste like Apple Jacks but instead of tasting like something that doesn’t taste like real apples, it tastes like something that doesn’t taste like real pumpkin.
BoomBoom’s Review: She kinda hated these and said they were too sweet. She told me not to have them for that reason. I said “That’s not how it works! Bloggers gotta blog! You can’t just not blog because the cereal is too sweet!” She then knocked the cereal bowl into my lap and went to work. So, 1 PSL
10. Honey Roasted Pumpkin Ravioli
These weren’t very good. Which is saying something because BoomBoom made a delicious butter, sage sauce to eat on them. The filling seemed like it was just pumpkin. So it tasted very plain.
BoomBoom’s Review: Kinda bland. I didn’t care for them really. 2 PSLs
9. Pumpkin Marble Mousse Bar
This has a chocolate crust that is really overpowering. You honestly don’t really taste anything else besides the chocolate. Not much pumpkin going on here. Also the chocolate crust wasn’t that great, and since it’s the only thing you taste, the whole thing isn’t that great.
BoomBoom’s Review: Ehhh 1 PSL
8. This Pumpkin Walks Into a Bar… Cereal Bars
These are pretty tasty, though they kinda tasted like Apple cereal bars. The pumpkin was very subtle. It wasn’t till I had a third one which I put three quarters of in my mouth that I really got some pumpkin flavor. But Jesus, these things get stuck in your teeth. You hardly have to chew them, as soon as you bite into them they start crumbling. Then all the little pieces get in between your teeth. I feel like I had a crumb fall out of my teeth three days after I’d eaten one.
BoomBoom’s Review: Tastes like the blueberry cereal bars 3 PSLs
7. Pumpkin Biscotti
Biscotti kinda tastes like stale cookies, but not in a bad way. These pumpkin biscotti taste like stale pumpkin bread. But not in a bad way. They’re pretty nice when you dip them in tea or coffee, or a PSL.
BoomBoom Review: For biscotti, it was good. 3 PSLs
6. Pumpkin Butter
I was pretty excited about this one. As a grandchild of an old southern lady, apple butter is my shit. So I was happy to know, this was very good. It’s not as good as apple butter, but it totally fits in the fruit butter family. It’s pretty sweet, but if you put it on something that’s salty or savory, it’s very tasty.
BoomBoom’s Review: Hmmmm. It has potential. 3 PSLs
5. Pumpkin Tortilla Chips and Fall Harvest Salsa
This was weird. The chips had like cinnamon or something in them. They were still salty like a tortilla chip, but they were also almost sweet. The salsa was also strange. It didn’t have any of the traditional salsa flavor, it was kinda like sweet potato. But it was still spicy. It was good after a while, once you stopped thinking of what chips and salsa are supposed to taste like. Maybe it tasted weird because it was made by Trader Joe and not his Mexican cousin Trader Jose.
BoomBoom’s Review: “I really like the chips and salsa.” Jesus she would not shut up about the chips and salsa. 5 PSLs
4. Pasta with Autumnal Harvest Pasta Sauce
This was really tasty. It didn’t have any of the pumpkin spice, so no nutmeg and cinnamon and shit. It was just butternut squash and pumpkin, so it was really good. It was super creamy too. It was slightly sweet, for a pasta sauce. It was super rich and filling though.
BoomBoom’s Review: It’s good, it kinda tastes like Vodka sauce. 3.5 PSLs
3. Pumpkin Ice Cream
This was tasty! It was sweet and cinnamonny. It was like taking pumpkin pie with a big old dollop of vanilla ice cream and throwing it in the blender. Since it came straight from the store as well, it had melted a bit, so the consistency was like that too.
BoomBoom’s Review: It was good. It tasted like eggnog. 4 PSLs
2. Pumpkin Cheesecake
Now we’re talking. Rub this all over my body and let me sleep in a bed made of graham cracker crust.
BoomBoom’s Review: “Delicious. For a frozen cheesecake from Trader Joe’s.” Gotta love the qualifiers there. Among all of the cheesecakes you can get from the freezer at Trader Joe’s, this one is pretty good. 4 PSLs
1. Pumpkin Pancake and Waffle Mix
Pumpkin pancakes are amazing and these didn’t disappoint. The only issue was we ate them for breakfast one day before work. Productivity was not high on that day. It took me 45 minutes to write an email, and then I took two poops after I hit “send.”
BoomBoom’s Review: Delicious. 4 PSLs
Overall, things that were supposed to be sweet lent themselves to pumpkin flavor. Things that seemed like it’d be weird to be pumpkin flavored, tended to taste weird. There were also a couple things that just shouldn’t have existed, never mind have pumpkin added to them.
BoomBoom’s final review: “This was a fun experiment. We need a little fun in our lives.” That was depressing. We’ve been married 2 months and already she’s bored. Shoulda bought the Pumpkin Body Butter.
Dog Shit of the Week
Major League Baseball. Yo. For real. That game last night started at 8:30pm on the East Coast. And you know where probably about half of the television audience was from? The East fucking Coast! The game ended at 1:15am. The only reason I know that is I have a text from Woody at 1:17am. Because I had to go to bed. I tried to stay up, but I ended up going to bed at at midnight, and it was only the 7th fucking inning!! What the fuck is the reasoning for this?! I never thought I’d turn into my dad, where sleep is more important than seeing the end of a game, but fuck this shit. 1am?!?! Are you kidding me? And! And!!! The worst part is on Tuesday, they gave us a little taste of the good stuff. They gave us Playoff TV blue balls. Tuesday’s game started at 5pm. So I got home from work, walked the dog, turned on the TV and BAM! Playoff Baseball. The game went 4 hours but I didn’t care because it was only 9pm. Boom Boom was still awake by the time I came to bed! It was glorious. This shit is ridiculous. Only Major League Baseball would put a Game 4 between the two best teams in baseball on in the middle of the fucking night on fucking TBS. And I can hear you. Rhys, maybe you should move to the West Coast, all the games start when the sun is out. No! Fuck that. That’s not the point. The game should start at a reasonable fucking time. Get off my lawn!!!!
Week 6 #PowerRankings
Parity is starting to show itself in Toppa League. Half the league is 3-3. And another 4 teams are either one game over or under .500. We had 4 teams put up terrible numbers this week. The rest of the league put up some quality scores, including JBiggs putting up the best score of the season so far.
12. Chef Poissonier Rae
Buckets has lost two in a row and is now the lowest scoring team in the league.
11. AND mccourty TWINS!!!
Not to be outdone, PWood has lost three in a row and couldn’t manage to score 100 points this week.
10. Sauce on the Side
Vegas couldn’t get it up to 100 points this week either. He goes from being the highest scoring team last week to the second lowest score this week. That drops him from second in the PowerRanks to 10th this week, and now one spot outside of playoff contention.
9. Mud Slide Wood
If it weren’t for Woody’s terrible record, he’d probably be higher in the PowerRanks this week, mainly because the other teams this week were such shit. But he has a terrible record, so he can only go so high.
#Nick has now failed to score more than 105 points for two weeks in a row. He somehow didn’t get blown out the hell out twice. In fact, he actually won one of those two match-ups.
7. Toppa Lot Pimpin’
I saw that Brendo was the second highest scoring team in the league, but was now in 10th and figured he had to be one of the unluckiest teams in the league. Well it turns out he is THE unluckiest, by far. He’s had 975 points scored against him this season. The next worst team (Vegas) has over 100 points less scored against them. Usually something like this rights itself by now, but Brendo is now 2-4. Hopefully his luck changes or else he could be the highest scoring team in Toppa history not to make the playoffs.
I called Timmy as the smoke and mirrors team in Week 4 and it’s still true. Timmy’s in 3rd place at 4-2 but has one of the lowest point totals in the league.
5. Woken KMICHO
Micho has somehow stumbled into second place. The committee doesn’t think he has any big wins outside of the blowout of Vegas, but the 4-2 record can’t be denied.
4. The White Boyz
Looky here! JeffWho had a big win over Woody this week. He’s now won two in a row and is sitting at 3-3. He’s in sixth place and is dangerously close to not finishing the season in last place.
3. Alex’s Rub and Tug
The Blowout of the Week is sponsored by this weird finger attachment for your phone that rubs you when you receive a text:
That thing will definitely fuck you.
Or it will definitely climb into your bed and kill you in your sleep.
Goddammit. JD is back. He’s won two in a row and is now in 5th place. If he wins another goddamn belt…
2. Mr. BoomBoom
Here we go. Now we’re talking. I’ve now won 2 in a row and have scored 160+ in each of the past three weeks. I knew that bottom of the league shit was a just a fluke. Turns out if I blog every week, good things happen.
1. Driveway Beers
Holy shit! JBiggs is pulling away as the best team in the league. He’s won 3 in a row now and he put up two hundo this week. He’s the highest scoring team in the league and the next best team (Brendo) is 100 points behind him.
The Broncos are at the Cardinals (+1) tonight. Christ, don’t watch a second of this game. Arizona is terrible, and not even terrible in a fun way. Just a “Let’s see if there’s an episode of The Office on right now” kind of way. And Denver isn’t much better. Not even ColorRush could save this game.
Oh but watch out! Break out your powdered wigs and grab that good tea set off the shelf. It’s time for some Footy! London football is back. And in the right way. I know we had it last week, but London football at 1pm is wrong. It just feels dirty. I was so irrationally mad when RedZone switched to the Seahawks-Raiders game and I was like “Where is that? It’s actual grass so it’s not Seattle. There’s no baseball field in the middle of it, so it’s not Oakland, plus the lights are on… England?! Why isn’t this on in the morning??” Everything is now right with the world. The Titans play the Chargers (-6.5) at 9:30am so now you can start ignoring your kids even earlier.
Have a good weekend.