It’s about a week until Halloween, and that means it’s time for one of my favorite blogs of the year. That’s right, we’ll be PowerRanking this year’s sexiest Sexy Halloween Costumes.
This year I thought about switching it up. Since a third of the league now has children, I thought about ranking funny things to dress your kids up as. Like this baby Larry David for example:
But then I learned this doesn’t actually exist and was photoshopped (a really good one by the way). Most of the “real” baby costumes were not that original. They were all very cute, because it’s hard to make a baby look ugly, but they weren’t worth blogging about. Like I said last year, just dress your kid up like an animal and it’ll be adorable.
Plus, it’s not even worth dressing your kid up this year because these kids’ parents already won Halloween:
This was from like 6 months ago and they’re still the best Halloween costumes of the year. Maybe ever. These costumes are so dope, these little kids are about to lose friends at school. It’s nice that even art school nerds can still turn out to be overbearing parents. It’s not just sports, you know? “I said lay on the sidewalk! Optimus Prime isn’t always a robot now is he?! No! He’s also a truck. He transforms doesn’t he Billy?! Now lay there on the sidewalk and stare straight down at the ground while the neighbors take pictures. Transform now!”
So we’re going to stick with the “traditional” sexy costumes again this year. There were a lot of good options to choose from this year.
Before we do that though, an observation. When looking through all the new sexy costumes for this year, some men’s costumes would pop up here an there. When they are all mixed amongst the women’s costumes, you don’t really see any patterns. But when you look at them all together, you notice that a trend emerges. And let’s just say that all the Men’s Sexy Halloween Costumes seem to appeal to a… um… certain demographic:
This may be my favorite one however:
Not because it is the first, second, third and fifth things you see if you were to google “stripper fireman,” but I like picturing very much not ripped, out of shape men wearing this costume. Like a dude with a big old beer belly being walking around drinking a PBR going “I’m a sexy fireguy!”
Then there’s whatever the fuck this is:
Mermaid Mafia? Some things are just so dumb there are no jokes to be made. It’s almost as if the shell is a target for you to punch him right in his dong.
Before we jump into the PowerRanks, let’s take a look at a few that didn’t make the cut.
Skeleton Queen Costume. Yo, this costume is the worst. If someone comes into a halloween party with a huge ass hoop skirt on and they are not dressed like Belle from Beauty & the Beast or Glinda the Good Witch, they can fuck all the way off. So obtrusive! This costume also costs $195.95.
Dead AF Dress Costume. I saw like a half dozen of these on Yandy.com, all saying “clever” little sayings like “I don’t always black, sometimes I wear nothing.” My eyes can’t roll hard enough. And what IS this? What do you say if someone comes up to you at a party an is like, “what are you supposed to be?” I bet type of person who would pay $29.95 for this shit would respond, “Sexy.” Ugh.
Reigning Panther Costume. This is just opening the door for stupid white girls across the country to wear this and scream “Wakanda forever!” probably in blackface. Look, I loved Black Panther too, but let’s just not, okay?
Baywatch. This one is stupid, because the bathing suits on Baywatch are more revealing than this costume. Shit, half the bathing suits out there are more revealing than this.
Week 7 #PowerRankings
Okay, let’s rank this year’s best (or worst!) and most interesting sexy costumes of this year. Unfortunately, some of these costumes match really well with some of the guys in the league, but the rankings of the costumes and teams didn’t quite work that way. For example, costume #4 would really get PWood’s blood pumping, and JeffWho probably owns #3 already, but #Rankings don’t lie.
Oh I’ve also included a Pick Up Line for each sexy costume. So this year you’ll be prepared and know what to say instead of being distracted by all that sexiness.
12. AND mccourty TWINS!!!
Brave Red Maiden Costume
Costume Pick Up Line: Hey babe, wanna come back to my place and then you can never leave? Oh and you’ll also give up every single one of your rights, I’ll rape you once a month, you can carry my baby to term, then I’ll steal it from you once it’s born and pretend the whole thing is okay.
This costume is no longer available. And thankfully, not because it sold out. You know you’ve fucked up if you’re the company who puts out the Sexy Peppa Pig costume and people think you’ve put out something in bad taste.
PWood has now lost 4 in a row.
11. Chef Poissonnier Rae
Silent One Costume.
Pick Up Line: Can I put the lotion in your basket?
If it weren’t for the face mask, this could really be anything. But I do have to give it up for the brain clutch. Like any quality clutch, it’s a quality accessory that ties the whole outfit together while still being functional.
Buckets has lost 3 in a row and is the lowest scoring team in the league.
10. Mr. BoomBoom
Kiss Me Frog Costume
Pick Up Line: Soooo… you’re a… frog? Really? Like an alive one? Or a dead one? Do you need a drink? I’m gonna get you a drink. Stay there. I’ll definitely be back.
These boots have become a thing over the last couple years. Apparently the way to make an animal costume sexy, is to add knee high boots that are fuzzy, then have nothing else in the costume relate to that animal at all, except maybe color. But this green is so bright! What frog is that color? How do you fuck up green?
I thought I was all good this week. Phil Rivers dropped two 40+ yard TD bombs in the early England game. I thought the rest of the matchup was gonna be a cake walk. It was 11am and it was looking like I was gonna blow Brendo out. Enough so that I talked a little gentlmanly trash to Brendo. I then scored the lowest amount of points for the week.
If I knew the opposite of what I said was going to happen, I would quit like that little craven, bitch Vegas, then I would’ve won.
9. The White Boyz
Mona Lisa Costume
Pick Up Line: You should smile more.
I kinda fucking love this costume. I laughed out loud when I saw it. This feels like an easy costume to make and you could really do any painting you want.
Tough break for JeffWho, who lost to his arch-nemesis, Micho.
8. Mud Slide Wood
Shining Bright Pope Costume
Pick Up Line: Why don’t we go back to your place and you can treat me like an alterboy.
You really have to hand it to the guys who design these costumes. And you know it’s men. They’ve gone from “sexy dress with cat ears = sexy cat” to “sexy dress with pope hat = sexy pope!” It’s really a gift.
Stat correction! Suddenly the league is a lot tighter. What an emotional rollercoaster. On Tuesday, Woody had lost 3 matchups by a total of 2.50 points. Today, he’s 1 win away from playoff position.
7. Toppa Lot Pimpin’
You Fined! Sexy Referee Costume.
Pick Up Line: Hey girl, how bout we go back to my place and figure out if I made a football move.
Scene: a room full of men at the Yandy corporate offices, which I assume is in the back of an abandoned Axe for men factory.
Yandy corporate salesman #1: Hmmmm, you know, this black and white striped “sexy referee” costume is just not sexy enough! How can we make it sexier?
Yandy corporate salesman #2: What if we just cut two giant holes in the legs to show off more skin?
Yandy corporate salesman #1: Perfect!
Yandy corporate salesman #3: I got my dick stuck in the tape dispenser.
Brendo is the second highest scoring team in the league with over 1000 points. He’s till 130 points behind JBiggs, which is crazy.
6. Alex’s Rub and Tug
English Nanny Costume
Pick Up Line: Can I have a jolly holiday with Mary?
I really kinda respect that this isn’t Slutty Mary Poppins where it’s a short skirt and corset and then it has the Mary Poppins hat and suitcase. Instead it’s just straight up Mary Poppins. They’re like, “you know you had a thing for her way back when. You wish she dropped by YOUR house on the wind.” And they’re right.
Emperor’s Guard Costume
Pick Up Line: Hey girl, let’s go back to your place and you can freeze me and uppercut me onto your bed. Then you can rip off my head and spinal cord at the same time.
I don’t know what the Emperor’s Guard is, but I think this costume looks like Sub Zero. I will do Mortal Kombat with sexy Sub Zero any time. You can Finish Me. Get over here!
#Nick has scored the exact same amount of points as he’s had scored against him. I dunno, it’s hard to come up with things to say about everyone’s team.
4. Sauce on the Side
Woman’s Ultimate Warrior Costume
Pick Up Line: I was in the castle, in a place long from here, and I came here for one reason. To attack and keep coming. Not to ask, but just to give. Not to want, but just to sin. Sin to paddle water, down everyone’s throat, till you get sick of it. Well, you’re gonna get sick of it, because this freak of nature right here, he’s just beginning to swell. And when I get big enough brother, there ain’t gonna be room for anyone else but me and all the warriors floatin’ through the veins and the power of the warrior.
Whew! Is it hot in here or is it just me?
Vegas didn’t give up this week. So that’s something.
3. Woken KMICHO
Wendy Peffercorn Sandlot Costume
Pick Up Line: Help! I think I need CPR!
Micho now tied for first! Plus he vanquished his greatest foe, JeffWho.
Flash Catsuit Costume
Pick Up Line: So it seems like you like things being fast. Well, I’m your guy.
For real though, the Flash would never where those shoes.
Timmy is tied for first too! And he put up the Highest Score of the Week, which is sponsored by… Timmy.
1. Driveway Beers
Pink Ranger Sassy Bodysuit Costume
Pick Up Line: Want to see my Megazord?
Yeah, no, this wouldn’t fulfill a 22 year fantasy or anything. Not saying that at all.
JBiggs’ 3 game winning streak was snapped by a Stat Correction. I guess one of those tackles for a loss was really a tackle for no gain. What a difference one point makes. But still JBiggs is the highest scoring team in the league, by far. We’ve got a three way tie at the top of the league, but JBiggs is still the team to beat.
No football on tonight because I didn’t get this done in time. It’s okay the somehow 4-3 Dolphins took on the somehow 4-3 Texans in Houston. I’d tell you who won, but I kinda don’t care. But we have pancakes with our football again this weekend! The Jags take on the Eagles (-2.5) in England. Have a good weekend. Go Sox!