Power Rankings

2018 PowerRankings – Week 9

Me and 4 other Toppa members are going to Nashville this weekend to go see Tom Brady take on the Tennessee Titans. Of course, tickets to the actual game were too expensive, which means we’re flying 1000 miles to watch football in a bar. But that’s okay, sometimes you get little snacks on the plane and a free diet soda.

I was trying to come up with a game to play while there. You know, something to keep me interested while I waited for Micho to figure out how to split the check between 12 people. I started off trying to think of a drinking game, but it ended up being this:

  • Every time Wagon Wheel by Darius Rucker plays, take 1 drink

This is really all you need to get fucked up, I promise.

Then I thought about making a BINGO card, for all the random things we’ll see on this trip. So I tried to think of what Nashville has more of than any other city. And I figured out the answer: Bachelorette Parties.

What you thought I was gonna go the country music route? Nah bro. Nashville is in the running as the bachelorette party capital of the world along with Vegas, Newport and Dublin. If you don’t believe me, when looking up pictures for the game below, the third search term that comes up on Etsy when looking up “Bachelorette Party” is “Bachelorette Party Shirts Nashville.” Walk down Broadway at any time of day and you’re sure to see a horde of penis crowns, sashes, and matching shirts. So if you’re gonna see anywhere between 5 and 130 bachelorette parties, may as well make a game out of it. Don’t forget your four corners!

  • B1 – Viel
  • B2 – I’m Getting Married/We’re Getting Drunk
  • B3 – Nash Bash
  • B4 – Sash
  • B5 – Bride/Bride Tribe
  • A1 – My Nash Bash/Let’s Get Nashty
  • A2 – Feather Boa
  • A3 – After This We’re Getting Pizza
  • A4 – Custom Shirts with Bride’s Face
  • A5 – Bride Tiara
  • S1 – Future Mrs./Cheers Bitches
  • S2 – I’m Getting Married Y’All/Yee Haw Bitches
  • S3 – FREE
  • S4 – Temporary Penis Tattoo
  • S5 – Wife Of the Party/The Party
  • I1 – Penis Staws
  • I2 – My Last Bash/Smashed In Nash
  • I3 – Penis Sunglasses
  • I4 – These Boots Were Made For Walkin’ Down The Aisle/Bride’s Last Ride
  • I5 – I Said Yes!/That’s What She Said
  • C1 – Pour The Wine, His Last Name Is Mine/Various terrible wine puns
  • C2 – Pink Cowboy Hat
  • C3 – I Got The Hubby/We Got the Bubbly
  • C4 – Bride/Bride’s Entourage
  • C5 – I Said Yes!/We Said Nashville

I’m partial to “We’re Getting Pizza After This” (A3) because nothing turns me on more than a sloppy bridesmaid shoveling pizza into her mouth. I also like the Custom Shirt with the Bride’s Face (A4) because that has potential to be so ridiculous that it’s actually funny. In case you weren’t counting, there are 6 Nashville-centric sets of shirts. They’re all pre-made and ready for you and your gaggle of self-identified “bitches” to go get your COUNTRY on. No customization needed.

All of these shirts are somewhere between pretty terrible and fucking stupid. I mean my eyes rolled so hard for each and every single one of these awful puns I think I detached a retina. But “Bride Tribe” (B5) and “Bride’s Entourage” (C4), are particularly lame. Like, you are 18 girls in black tank tops surrounding one girl in a white tank top. Everyone knows you are part of a fucking bachelorette party. Old ladies starting hiding under their seats 10 minutes ago because they saw you coming. This is like wearing full football pads and the name on the back of your jersey is “Sports Player”. Having a basic shirt design while already being basic is a pretty bad look.

Also, who knew women liked penises so much?!? I had always been told they were “gross” and “weird looking” and I think, funny. I mean why else would a girl laugh when she sees it?

Last thing, it is my life’s dream to see a fight between two bachelorette parties. This isn’t like a sexy, cat fight thing either. I want to see two drunken packs of women, high on estrogen and passive aggression, do fucking BATTLE with each other, Anchorman style. I want to see Becky choke Jenna out with a fluorescent pink boa, and see hair extensions get pulled out by the half dozen.

I’m convinced it’s going to happen. The ingredients are all there. Within each bachelorette party itself, there is passive aggression and low self esteem, contempt for those who are married from those who aren’t, contempt for those who don’t have kids from those who do, a bride whose taking herself too seriously and making everyone do everything for her, a maid of honor who’s taking it all even more too seriously because “this is what they did for her bachelorette party and it was AMAZING!”, and everyone being pissed that they’re spending SO MUCH MONEY. Then when two bachelorette parties occupy the same space, they each feel like the other one is stealing their spotlight. It’s a powder keg. One of these days I’m going to see it, and I’m just going to pull up a chair, order a drink and watch several women get murdered with a penis wand.

Week 9 #PowerRankings

We’re 4 weeks away from the playoffs. Unfortunately, my playoff computer is actually quite a bit of work to set up, so lets just say JBiggs is close to 100% in and Buckets is close to 100% out. Everybody else is in the hunt. Sounds good? Sounds good.

12. Chef Poissonier Rae

I’m pretty sure it’s over for Buckets. He couldn’t run back the magic for yet another year. We were all wondering if he was gonna make it to the Toppa Bowl for a third year in a row. We were all wondering how he was gonna lose for a third year in a row. But 5 losses in a row this SZN pretty much sealed the deal that he wasn’t going to threepeat as Toppa runner-up. Even if he wins out, he’ll still only be 6-7 which I don’t think is good enough to get into the playoffs.

11. The White Boyz

JeffWho has been working hard to get out of the basement. He made not one, but two trades with Woody this week. He’s hoping some new blood on the roster will help turn around his recent 3 game skid. More on these trades in a minute.

10. AND mccourty TWINS!!!

PWood was victim of this week’s Blowout of the Week. The Blowout of the Week is sponsored by this shower curtain with pockets for your cell phone and iPad.

I literally racked my brain for many minutes to try and think of a use for this that is not watching porn… or filming porn. I couldn’t come up with anything.

9. Mud Slide Wood

There have been 6 trades this Toppa SZN and Woody has been a part of all 6 of them. He traded Phillip Dorsett for the Baltimore Defense. Traded James White for Dalvin Cook, who he then traded for Tom Brady a week later. He traded Jared Cook for Robby Anderson. And this week he traded Corey Davis for Chris Hogan. THEN a half hour after I originally finished this paragraph, he traded Tom Brady, Jordan Howard and T.Y. Hilton for Julio Jones and Matt Stafford. Given how often people veto trades in this league, Woody must be sending out 4-5 trade offers per week.

Woody and JeffWho are both 3-6 on the outside looking in for the playoffs. Both will have to win out to have any hope of making the playoffs. They both both are hoping that if they exchange their bad team for a different bad team, it will then be a good team, because it’s different. It’s like trading in your entire poker hand and getting another bad hand in return.

8. Mr. BoomBoom

I feel like my season has been summed up by Kyle Rudolph this week recovering a fumble in the end zone, only to have it taken away later in the game. I’m thaaaaat close to being good.

7. #MainiLovesBradyUggs

#MainiHavinABaby. That’s two losses this week. Heeeyyyoooo!

6. FulltimeShittyGuy

Timmy lost this week’s Low Blow of the Week. He and Brendo combined for less than 180 total points. Timmy put up the lowest score of the SZN and probably one of the lowest scores in Toppa history. Timmy is still somehow in 3rd place and is somehow 6-3. Timmy is going to somehow sneak into a high seed in the playoffs, even though he’s one of the lowest scoring teams in the league. SOMEHOW!

5. Toppa Lot Pimpin’

Someone had to win that godawful matchup between Brendo and Timmy. Out of 22 total players, only 5 scored in double digits, and 2 of those 5 were quarterbacks. Which, is pretty much automatic for quarterbacks. Even Nathan Peterman, who threw for 188 with 3 picks and no TDs, still scored 14 points. So not a high scoring affair.

Brendo now has the longest current winning streak in the league, winning 3 in a row.

4. Sauce on the Side

Vegas was matched up with JeffWho this week, so he probably didn’t quit. Good thing he didn’t because he won this week.

I don’t know if you can get sauce on the side for Nashville Hot Chicken, bud. They might look at you like you’re the craven, quitting puss that you are. By the way, another drinking game for Nashville is every time you take a painful shit after eating Hot Chicken, you take a drink. This game too, will get you fucked up.

3. Alex’s Rub and Tug

JD, PWood and I are all 4-5 and in a three person hunt for two playoff spots. Currently, JD is in 7th, I’m in 8th and PWood is on the outside looking in, in 9th. If the playoffs started today, JD would be matched up with Micho in a very interesting matchup, as both teams have put up similar points this year. I would be matched up with JBiggs in what would be the Blowout of the Week for the Toppa Playoffs.

2. Woken KMICHO

It’s officially time to watch out for Micho. He’s in second place with a 6-3 record and is the second highest scoring team in the league. I can’t wait for him to get wasted in Nashville and forget to set his lineup.

1. Driveway Beers

Jesus. JBiggs is in sole possession of first place. He’s the top scoring team in the league by almost 250 points. And his two losses have come by a combined score of less than 3 total points, so as good as his team has been this week, he’s had some bad luck! (For a second I confused the DeSantisesesesess and thought JBiggs was also winning Wolfpicks, and I was even more impressed)

JBiggs can probably clinch a playoff spot this week with a win. He’s looking like the clearcut, #1 team to beat this year. The only thing that gives me hope is that a 1 seed has yet to win Toppa League. Only 2 have ever reached the finals, and 3 times they haven’t made it past the first round of the playoffs. Is JBiggs’ team good enough to be the Toppa Red Sox? The team that’s the wire-to-wire best team in the league? We’ll see.

Don’t forget to set your lineups and pack your bags for Nashville. Even if you’re not going, you can still pack your bag. Come on, it’ll be fun. The Panthers (+7) take on the Steelers in Pittsburgh, in a surprisingly good game for a Thursday night. I have my fingers crossed for a matchup between all black with a bright blue stripe Carolina ColorRush vs all black with a yellow stripe Steelers ColorRush. God the chaos would be glorious. Enjoy the weekend everyone!

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