Merry Fucking Christmas!! No time for an intro, there’s Christmas shopping to do (don’t go out shopping), meet ups at the bar (don’t go to the bar), and family gatherings to go to (don’t go to family gatherings). Let’s get to the recaps!

Conference Championship Recaps

#4 The Lasso Special 158.95
#1 Le Champion 155.45

Whew! What a wild ride!! I went from feeling good about a 26-point Thursday night from Darren Waller, to furiously beating my meat on Saturday to Josh Allen’s 50 burger, to becoming the Jordan Peele sweating gif watching Derrick Henry run and run and run and run and run, as Le Champion cut the lead from 66 to 22.

I then became physically sick, because going into the late afternoon Sunday games, my team was done and Brendo still had Tyreek Hill and his IDP to play. Tyreek Hill was able to get 22 on his own (he did it 5 times already this year) and his IDP was projected to score 9 points. I went from a 70% chance of advancing to the Toppa Bowl at 12:59pm on Sunday to a 30% chance by 4:30pm. Every time Patrick Mahomes threw the ball, I’d look at who he threw it to and say, “Don’t be 10.Don’t be 10.Don’t be 10.Don’t be 10.Don’t be 10.”

I literally had to turn off the TV after a while. And it totally wasn’t because the baby kept falling off of the couch because I wasn’t paying attention to him. It was because I couldn’t stand watching my lead get chipped away point by point. That’s totally the reason.

Somehow, SOMEHOW, Tyreek only put up 11 points and Jordan Hicks put up 7.50, and Le Champion came up 3.5 points short. Maybe Hill shouldn’t have been drinking whatever he was drinking during the game:

Brendo’s looking for a shot of whatever that was, I’m sure.

Stat corrections have run right? I still don’t believe it. I’m still scared there’s some 3-and-out that didn’t get counted and would give Brendo the win. That would definitely be the worst way to lose this, by the way. 

#2 Trip McNeely 162.35
#3 Stage Coach Bromance 134.00

What I thought was going to be the match up of the weekend, ended up being kind of a rout. Trip McNeely took a 20-point lead on Saturday and Stage Coach Bromance never really got close. 

PWood’s top players put in top-level performances:

Those 5 players were enough to outscore all of Stage Coach Bromance, minus Tom Brady. Speaking of Brady, another huge come from behind win against the Atlanta Falcons, and 39 fantasy points, was not enough to keep Stage Coach Bromance in the matchup. 7 of his remaining 10 players underperformed that week’s projections.

Toppa Bowl Preview

The stage is set. The matchup is decided. Santa is bringing someone another Toppa Belt. Will it be PWood? Or will it be Rhys Nice?

#2 Trip McNeely (12-3) vs #4 The Lasso Special (9-6)

Line: Trip McNeely (-11)

O/U: 179

National Anthem

Miley Cyrus. I don’t know man, she’s been putting out these cover albums lately, and I’m kinda digging it.

Coin Toss

The commemorative coin has James M. Toppa Sr.’s face on the heads side and Timmy’s ass on the tails. Tails never fails.

Position Matchup: QB 

A.A.Ron and Josh Allen are the 3rd and 4th highest scoring players in fantasy, respectively. Josh Allen scored 51 points last week against the highly rated, although banged up Denver defense. A.A.Ron scored 21 points only throwing for 143 yards and 1 TD. I don’t even know how that’s possible. Since week 6, where he scored only 5 points, he’s put up 40 points 4 times and hasn’t scored under 32 points, until last week. Allen on the other hand, has put up three 50-burgers this SZN. His last 4 games, he’s put up 21, 48, 25 and 51. The ceiling is a teeny tiny bit higher, but the floor is lower with Allen. 

Edge: EVEN

First Player to Score:

Rodrigo Blankenship (-200)

Puppy Bowl Winner:

A Golden Retriever named Rascal

Position Matchup: WR

Last week, The Lasso Special’s stud wide receivers did not come to play. DK Metcalf has scored 11, 24 and 12 over the last 5 weeks, but also 8 and 4 (last week). Terry McLaurin had a bunch of junk time catches that gave him an almost respectable day. These two guys are going to need to put up big games if they want a chance at the championship. The Lasso Special also has a hodge podge of waiver wire wide receivers, (Tyron Johnson, Gabriel Davis, Chad Hansen, Darnell Mooney and Russell Gage) who have been performing in the place of injured starters. One of these guys is going to have to step up in the Toppa Bowl.

For Trip McNeely, Calvin Ridley seems to have overcome his injuries from earlier in the SZN and is back to putting up monster games (100+ yards in his last 3 and a TD in 3 of his last 4). DJ Moore was able to bounce back from catching That Rona to putting up 20 points last week. These 2 will carry Trip McNeely at WR, but Jarvis Landry (who only has great games when he’s on your bench), Brandon Aiyuk (averaging 15 points in his last 3) or Chase Claypool (who hasn’t scored in double digits since before Thanksgiving) is going to have to make the start and produce in the Toppa Bowl, if the championship is going to go around PWood’s waist.

Edge: Trip McNeely

Commentators:

Position Matchup: RB

This could get ugly. Trip McNeely is featuring the highest non-QB player in fantasy, with Dalvin Cook. Dalvin doesn’t have that RedZone fear factor that Tractorcito does, but he’s put up 20+ points 4 of his last 5 games, and has put up 100+ yards 6 of his last 8, including 200 yards in Week 9. Trip McNeely also has Kareem Hunt, who has already destroyed Woody’s dreams this year.

The Lasso Special has literally been hurting at running back all year. Austin Ekeler has finally come back from injury. Though he’s been up or down since coming back and has yet to score a TD. The Lasso Special also has Nyheim Hines, who has been an amazing role player off the waiver wire, but his role is getting more and more diminished on his real-life team, meaning he’s performing less and less for The Lasso Special. However, Myles Gaskin looks like he’s broken up with Ms. Rona and might be available this week.

Edge: Trip McNeely

Halftime Show

Spotify tells me that Ariana Grande is really popular right now. While I do know who she is, I couldn’t name a song that she sings. I guess I am, “knows who most popular singer in the country is, but couldn’t identify a song of theirs on the radio” years old. Since there’s always a weird guest for one song that is, like, super popular but doesn’t really fit in. Let’s throw Megan Thee Stallion in there. I heard a 5 year old rapping Savage the other day. I am also “recognizes rap song that elementary school kid sings, but don’t know any of the actual words” years old. 

Position Matchup: TE

This may be the only edge for The Lasso Special. Darren Waller is the 2nd highest scoring TE in fantasy and has been on a bit of a tear putting up 37, 7.5, and 26 points in his last 3 games. 

Trip McNeely is deciding between Jared Cook and Hayden Hurst, who are 13th and 14th in fantasy scoring, respectively.

Edge: The Lasso Special

Position Matchup: Special Teams (K, Def, IDP)

This matchup is pretty even. Kickers are kickers. Both Rodrigo Blankenship (The Lasso Special) and Tyler Bass (Trip McNeely) are on decent-to-good offenses, which is perfect for a kicker because you’ll get a few PATs but as well as some decent FG chances. 

The Washington defense (The Lasso Special) has been amazing lately, scoring 88 points from Week 11 to Week 14, but the Chicago defense is projected to put up 15 points against Jacksonville this week. The Lasso Special has a slight edge at IDP with Darius Leonard, but Jamal Adams has scored double digits 3 of the last 4 weeks for Trip McNeely. 

Edge: EVEN

So it’s looking like thanks to an edge in both WR and RB, Trip McNeely is the favorite, and Timmy’s Sportsbook agrees. The Lasso Special is going to need to pull out some crazy trick plays in order to pull off the upset. 

Two champions heading into Christmas weekend looking for another chance at glory. It’s probably going to take until Monday night to unwrap this gift, since Josh Allen plays on MNF. The one time I hope the Patriots lose by 100. 

This is it. There’s nothing left but the Toppa Bowl. Best of luck PWood. As you put it, may the best Mr. W win.