It was the Bridge Run again last weekend and I successfully made it up and back down the Newport Bridge. I actually kind of enjoy running road races. You wouldn’t think so because I’m overweight and out of shape. It’s definitely more fun to run with like a thousand people than to run around your neighborhood first thing in the morning, all alone. But the best thing about running a race is you feel justified for eating and drinking whatever you want for the rest of the day. That’s right, you earned it. You ran less than 5 miles, now you can consume 2000 MORE calories than you should. You can drink all the beers you want, you ran a race today. You can go ahead and have that 8th piece of pizza, you ran over a bridge. Shots of fireball? Sure thing, you exercised! 50 piece chicken nuggets late night? I did run all that way only 18 hours ago, add some extra dipping sauces please!
More on the Bridge Run day antics in a moment.
This Week’s Level: All of the Bullshit. Just full of it. Every shit from every single bull. Ever.
By now, you all know about Giants kicker Josh Brown who abused his wife over 20 times and how the commissioner suspended him for only one game. Oh, sure now he’s on the “Commissioner’s Exempt List” which is his “Whoops, people are making a big deal out of this but I still don’t know how long to suspend him for, so let’s just suspend him indefinitely and I’ll let ESPN figure out how long he should be suspended” list. The commissioner has had an awful week, even for him. I can’t believe he still has a job based on the shit he steps in day-in and day-out. Maybe with this ratings dip, something may actually happen to him, since money’s the only thing the people who employ him care about.
Goodell’s been particularly shitty this week. I’m going to ignore the fact that after Ray Rice, the NFL added a “baseline” six-game suspension for domestic violence to its player conduct policy, but only suspended Brown for one game. I’m also going to ignore that the Giants KNEW about Brown being a horrible person and that his psychiatrist asked him to write down when he abused his wife, so they actually had EVIDENCE of the things he’s done. I’m also going to put aside my homerism and not go on about how my beloved Tom Brady was suspended 4 games for vaguely knowing about some deflated footballs, but a player terrorizes who his wife gets just one game. I’m also not going to talk about how it doesn’t seem fair that the Patriots lost their first round pick for said “vague knowledge” and the Giants won’t lose any picks for this incident. I’ll also ignore that when Goodell was asked to explain why there’s such an effort to crack down on touchdown celebrations but then just a one game suspension for domestic violence, he said this [emphasis mine]:
I understand the public’s misunderstanding of those things and how that can be difficult for them to understand how we get to those positions. But those are things that we have to do. I think it’s a lot deeper and a lot more complicated than it appears but it gets a lot of focus.
That’s right. It’s your and my fault for not understanding these punishments. Not his. It’s MORE complicated than it appears?!?!?! No it’s fucking not!!! The guy beat his wife. Kick him off the team. I’m pretty sure employing a serial domestic abuser tarnishes your precious fucking seal. Fuck. Your. Self.
Like I said, I’m going to ignore all those things. But there’s one thing I will not ignore:
THE NFL MUST BE STOPPED!!! Look. You can charge me $300 for a nose bleed seat at a stadium you’ve somehow convinced the public to pay for with their own tax dollars. You can charge me $75 a month to watch games on my computer with poor quality if I choose to stay home. You can put more and more commercials into games so that their bordering 5 hours long. You can say you support the troops by making them pay to hold those giant fucking flags before games. You can continue to pretend to care about concussions and domestic abuse but clearly don’t.
But this?! This will NOT fly. You cannot charge people money to cheat at Fantasy Football. You’re making it so you can buy the “option” to switch a player with a player on your bench, AFTER THEY’VE PLAYED. For the low price of 99 cents per player, or $3.99 per week, you can buy your fantasy team a cheat code. Is there nothing sacred!? Part of the fun of Fantasy Football is agonizing over who to start any given week. Well, that’s not the fun part. The fun part is then complaining about how you left Jay Ajayi on your bench two weeks in a row. If you can just pay money for the option to replace players in your lineup with those on your bench, how is that fun? That shit is like Westworld. How much fun is a shootout with all those Bad Hombres if you know you can’t die? Goodell will take any chance he can to squeeze a dollar out of us. This is where I draw the line.
Dog Shit of the Week
Amari Cooper. After catching 16 balls for 267 yards and a touchdown his last two games, Cooper had 4 catches for 29 yards, for 2.90 fantasy points. This was a game where the Raiders had 33 points against a terrible Jaguars team. Woody ended up losing by less than 9 points to me this week. A third big week in a row from Cooper would’ve gotten Woody the win.
A little double action in the Power Rankings this week. I’m going to Power Rank each participant in the Bridge Run while Power Ranking each team in Toppa League. It’s going to be super confusing when Micho is ranked high in the Power Ranks but low in the Bridge Ranks. Whatever.
12. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 7)
Cox Cable. Fuck these guys. Fuck every cable company. Ever. Cox kept trying to ruin our fun by cutting out the Redzone channel on us. God forbid you provide the service we pay you for.
Vegas’s team is just awful. Pack it up, the season’s over. And after I went on and on about those scores in the 80s, Vegas puts up 76. That’s the lowest score in 4 years!
11. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 6)
Buckets was rumored to be coming over the house for the Pats game. Woody said he was gonna be a little late since he was having victory sex celebrating the Dolphins win over Bills. Well, Buckets was either having some tantric, Sting-level shit, or he wasn’t used to the Dolphins winning so he lasted 3 seconds and then passed out, because he never came over.
10. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 10)
Maloney. Kid was wrecked. I miss the times before Maloney got his Lasik surgery. You could tell right off the bat if he was wasted. All you had to do was look into his Cookie Monster googly eyes. Now you have to wait a full 13 minutes until he drops the C-bomb to know whether he’s shitfaced or not.
There are currently 5 teams who are 3-4. Brendo’s had some bad losses this season, but he’s still in the hunt for the playoffs. He’s got to win 2 or 3 in a row to pull it off though.
9. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 5)
Micho was also wasted. He caught him drinking water around 3pm. Then he went “to go say ‘hi’ to Nana,” and never came back. He will always be the king of the Irish Goodbye.
#Nick’s also one of the 3-4 teams, but he’s had some more bad luck than most. He’s fourth in points but also third in points against. As we look towards the playoffs, he would have a points tie breaker over a lot of teams, but #Nick should just win some games if he wants to get in.
8. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 11)
Woody. You know you’re old when the Patriots score and you take victory shots of a health supplement instead of alcohol. Woody served us something called Fire Water? Or Dragon Breath? Or maybe it was Kissing the Dragon? I dunno, something like that. Whatever it was, it was horrifically spicy and refreshing, at the same time. It somehow made me feel awful and healthy, simultaneously. And the next day it made my asshole burn but made my shit smell wonderful.
Timmy grabbed his second win of the year and moved out of last place. I hope he played a couple extra Keno games at Speck’s this week and took advantage of that good luck.
7. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 8)
RhysNice. I lost major points for hashtagging an Instagram post as #bridegrun instead of #bridgerun. This was a much bigger deal at the time. These kids care way more about spelling than they do about telling. I invite you all to take part in next year’s Bride Grun.
PWood managed to get Blowout of the Week with just 138 points. Again, Vegas = sucks.
Speaking of Blowout of the Week, I stopped mentioning those because it was getting difficult due to the combination of it was getting hard to think of weird sex sponsors, it was getting hard to look Boom Boom in the face after writing about those weird sex sponsors, and it was also hard to look for those sex sponsors at work. BUT I received an add for this in my email the other day:
That’s, KY Duration Spray for Men. I don’t know why they think I would need this. This is not a problem I have. If anything I need spray that makes me NOT last as long as I do, you know what I mean!?!?
Sex products are weird. Like real weird. “Hang on honey, lemme just spray my dick real quick, and then the rest of the night gonna be anything but!” Wink.
6. Wide Right (Last Week: 12)
JBiggs showed up for the Pats game, drank a few Bud Lights, cracked a few jokes, and after the game was over, went home. I don’t really have anything else to say about it, good nor bad.
Once again, JD is near the bottom in scoring but is right there in 5th place, looking for a playoff spot. It’s like you could set your watch to this shit. JD will have a crappy team, but will make the playoffs. And Austin’s team will suck. Every year.
5. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 3)
Brendo. I looked across the bar at 9am on Sunday and saw a short, bearded man that I looked familiar. Turned out it was Brendo. Brendo knows a good drinking day when he sees one. He put in a strong effort all day. Much stronger than his fantasy team, sadly. Brendo also did the TY Hilton dance after a big touchdown, but the touchdown was called back for holding, so he had to take back his dance, and did it in reverse. It actually worked.
Woody and I spent the day rooting for each other’s team, since he had Brady and I had LaGarrett Blount. Both guys had good days, but DSoY Amari Cooper, plus a hurt Stefon Diggs (1.80 points) and Martellus Bennet (0.80 points) really hurt Woody’s team.
4. Goodell’s A Man-gina (Last Week: 2)
Boom Boom somehow beat me by 2 seconds in the Bridge Run. We started and finished at exactly the same time. The fix is in!
JBiggs has now taken 2 losses in 3 weeks and is averaging 118.32 points in those three match ups. He’s still doing just fine in third place and 5-2, but he’s got a big match up against Woody’s top scoring team.
3. ErectDecker (Last Week: 4)
SueC. Every time Sue walked into the room she brought another snack. And it was always delicious.
Micho righted the ship, putting an end to his 2-game skid. After two weeks of scoring under 130 points, Micho put up almost 148 points and got himself back into second place. I’m still not sure if he’s made it back from Nana’s though.
2. Michos a Gurley-Man (Last Week: 9)
Mrs. Commish. I won’t be bought, though. You can bring all those snacks, but I know where my loyalties lie.
Strong team name change! The best way to motivate your team is to change your team name to a football pun that also makes fun of someone. Well done. And JeffWho got High Score of the Week with Jay Ajayi’s 35.60 points on his bench. That total was the second best from any non-QB player in the league. I bet you wished you had NFL Roster Options!
1. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (Last Week: 1)
Mary. I mean it’s not fair, she’s just so much cuter than everyone else on the list. No one else really had a shot.
It’s really a team game. We work hard all week and then head up into that match up and just try to make plays. No one person is bigger than this team. It’s all about SexyRexy&RobTheSlob. It’s not about one person. It’s about everybody. We’re in a good place right now, but we’re always trying to get better. We won this match up but now we’re looking ahead to ErectDecker. They’re a really good squad and have got some great players. We’ve got to go and have a good week in practice and then execute in our match up.
Make sure to make your picks and set your lineups…. Oh god. Tonight the Titans take on the Jaguars (+3) in Tennessee, but really, who cares? This game is awful. We also get another London game this weekend. And once again we’ve shipped our best teams overseas to try and get British people to like our sport. Cincinnati takes on Washington at 9:30am at Wembley Stadium. You’re probably better off watching West Ham vs. Everton. Smells like an Apple Picking Weekend.
Have a good weekend!