I’m having a little baby dude in a couple weeks, which means… well, it means a lot of things. Most of which I’m unprepared for. One of the things it means is that BoomBoom and I had to do the baby shower thing. I’m not going to go into the play-by-play of that, nor am I going to come up with a scoring rubric like I did for weddings. No. For someone like me, who has social anxiety, showers are the worst. The only thing worse than being the center of attention, is being the guy who is sitting next to the person who is the center of attention.
But the good thing about a baby shower is the free shit. Wedding showers? Whatever. I have fucking plates. Get outta here. What I don’t have is a breast pump. I don’t have any furniture for that baby to sleep in for like a year, then we just get rid of it. I have three dog beds and that’s it. I don’t have, like, 38 bath supplies and/or products and/or toys. I have soap. And I don’t have baby blankets. We have regular blankets. But we didn’t have baby blankets. So many fucking blankets.
But now we do. We have ALL the shit. And it was all free. And it’s great. Know what else we got? Baby clothes. And you know what? Baby clothes are dope. So fucking cute. Tiny clothes are the most adorable thing on the fucking planet. With their little animals and terrible puns and just overall miniature versions of regular arms and leg holes. Goddammit! It’s fucking cute. So let’s #PowerRank some baby clothes by order of cuteness.
Let’s get to it!
So fucking cute with the little fucking raccoon face on it. And the ears actually stick out if you didn’t think this could get any fucking cuter.
Hell yeah, cute ass baby suits. Jesus, babies are weird shaped. Is this what they’re like? Mad small, but also really long? This kid’s gonna be all torso. I rank these: cute fucking Planes, then cute fucking Dinosaurs, then cute fucking Animals.
Tom Fucking Brady? More like Tom Fucking Baby! Look at him. He’s a six-time World Champion and he can’t even support his own head. It’s adorable. And talk about pliability. The kid can stick his own feet in his mouth. QB1 here we come.
You must be on fucking crack if you don’t think I fall for this shit. Daddy and Daddy’s Sidekick. Just like Batman and Robin. Rollin’ around kicking the shit out of bad guys. Except we’re just sitting on the couch. And he’s actually shitting.
There were definitely like “Mommy’s little something or other” and “Grandma’s whatever the fuck” clothes in our haul, but that shit doesn’t matter. Daddy is who matters.
Holy fucking shit. Are you kidding me? Hugs? Yes please. It’s a giraffe and a monkey and they’re hugging cuz they’re best buds. Like me and my little man are gonna be. It’s fucking adorable. Giraffes and monkeys definitely don’t hug in real life. But in Cute Babyland? They hug that shit out.
Cute-a-fucking-saurus Rex. The dinosaur’s tail sticks out! I can’t fucking take it. My little dude is gonna be the world’s cutest paleontologist. What’s that? You think that’ll make him some kind of nerd. Well, does this paleontologist look like a fucking nerd to you?
See I told you there was some “Mommy’s” shit in here somewhere. Yeah, I guess this one’s okay. Awww, who am I kidding. This one’s cute as shit. All-Star cuteness right there. He’s a little 5-fucking-tool player.
Ahhhhhh!!! Get the fuck out of here! These socks are so tiny. Imagine the fucking tiny little fucking feet that go in these. And even tinier fucking toes!!! TOES!!!! Jesus Christ these tiny socks are too fucking cute. I can’t fucking wait until he loses one of each of these IMMEDIATELY after I put them on him.
Oh don’t even get me started on how fucking cute little baby hats are. Are you fucking serious with this? I could have the ugliest baby in the world and he’d still look adorable in these fucking things. Like, he could have three eyes and an elephants trunk for a nose, and you plot one of these bad boys on his head and he’s cuter than a fucking button.
I rank these: fucking cute Dinosaurs, fucking cute Animals, fucking cute grey hat with ears, fucking cute hat with Stegosaurus spikes (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! How do they come up with this stuff?!), fucking cute black hat with ears. I want my kid to wear everything with ears. I can’t get over that shit. Hats with ears. Hoodies with ears. Those baby bath towels that have hoods on them? Put ears on that shit too. It’s a cute ass baby dressed up and an even cuter animal! It’s like cute to the power of cute.
Is this dinosaur/dragon thing weird looking? Sure thing. But is this shirt also cute as fuck? You’re goddamn right.
These got me right here. These ones are so fucking cute, I almost threw up. Little, mini henley baby suits in waffle and baseball, three-quarter styles? Yup! Little Dude is gonna be a hipster just like his cuck father before him. I can’t wait to teach him how to button up his first plaid flannel. And at night, I’ll read him Pitchfork reviews until he falls asleep.
Holy fuck! Foxes. For. Fucking. Feet!! I don’t get why foxes are the go-to cute animal for babies. Like, real foxes will straight up eat a baby. But put a little cartoon smile on that bitch and we’re like, “Yes, let’s all snuggle with cute, little Mr. Foxy Fox.” It’s mad cute though. So I guess I get it.
This is premier douchebag uniform right here. But on a baby? This shit is fucking cute! Watch out Brad and Chad there’s a new man in town and he’s going to steal your ladies. Put a White Claw in his hand and he’ll fit right in in Newport.
How is this practical for baby? Vests are hardly practical for full grown adults. But I love a good vest. So this shit is fucking awesome.
Yo, home and away? Too fucking cute. No, it’s actually too cute. I’m having heart palpitations from how fucking adorable this is. Little man will never walk, or crawl, alone.
Commercial I’m Already Sick Of!
Whatever commercial it was, I’m sick of it! That shit will not fly. Come on Hanson, get it together!
Dog Shit of the Week
Cooper Kupp. Cooper came into this weekend averaging 17 points per game. This weekend, he had no catches on 4 targets and put up big ol’ zippo. If he had put up the 17 points that he’s been averaging, Brendo would’ve beaten Timmy by 2 points, and probably would’ve clinched a playoff spot as the only 7-3 team in Toppa League. Now he’s 6-4, and so are Micho and A.Dias, and he’s got to try again this week to clinch a playoff spot.
BoomBoom also has Cooper Kupp, and was very upset that he didn’t score any points. How do I know? Because she went ON and ON and ON and ON about Cooper Kupp. Meanwhile, she’s tied for first place and has the second highest scoring team in the league (I’m in last). “How come Cooper Kupp doesn’t have any points?” “What’s going on with Cooper Kupp?” I don’t know. Fantasy Football is completely random and dumb. You will come to love your best and most consistent player. The guy who no matter what, still puts up points. Maybe it’s a week where he dominates with 150 yards and 2 TDs. Or maybe its a week where he scores a junk time touchdown. But you will start to really care for this random player who’s not even on your favorite team. And then… then he will let you down. This is what it is. You pay money to suffer for 15 weeks in a row. It’s stupid.
Also, Cooper Kupp is far too ridiculous a name to use more than 2 times in a conversation, never mind consistently throughout an entire day.
Week 10 #PowerRankings
Besides the top two teams, Buckets and PWood, every other team with a winning record lost this week. This made it very difficult to rank everyone this week because all the shitty teams won, and most of the good teams lost. I was tempted to make a seven-way tie for 6th. Participation trophies for everyone.
12. For The Table
Playoff Odds: 1.96%
Most Likely Finish: 12th (51%)
Woody hasn’t scored more than 130 points since Week 5. He’s lost 3 in a row and is most likely to finish in last place. Let’s go Celtics?
Playoff Odds: 51.62%
Most Likely Finish: 9th (27%)
Timmy has the best odds to get the 8th seed for the playoffs. But he’s got to stop losing if he wants to get in. With a loss this week, he’s now lost 3 of his last 4. And his remaining games are looking pretty tough. The teams he has to play in the final three weeks of the season (JBiggs, Brendo, and PWood) are a combined 21-11.
10. The C.R.E.A.M. Team
Playoff Odds: 1.59%
Most Likely Finish: 12th (46%)
#Nick snapped a SEVEN GAME losing streak and picked up his first win since mid-September. Saying congrats here is a little like the Dolphins pouring Gatorade on their coach when they won their first game of the season against the Jets. But, congrats!
He got 46 points from Lamar Jackson, en route to a 40 point blowout over A.Dias’s weird team. Jackson is the second highest scoring player in all of fantasy, which makes it weird that #Nick’s team is so terrible. In fact, the three highest scoring players are all quarterbacks, and all play for teams with losing records. Keep that in mind for draft day next year.
9. The Handy
Playoff Odds: 24.85%
Most Likely Finish: 10th (37%)
Man, JD only just recovered from that 145-point beat down his brother put on him three weeks ago. JD spent the next two weeks putting up an average 102 points and losing by a combined 76 points. He was able to break out of his funk this week, putting up the highest score of the week. JD’s playoff chances don’t look great, but A.Dias could score 70 points this week. And my team kinda stinks. That’s two possible wins and he’s right back in this thing. Of course, to get into the playoffs he’s going to have to beat Buckets in Week 13.
8. Sympathy Weight
Playoff Odds: 47.80%
Most Likely Finish: 8th or 9th (tied at 25%)
I’ve now won 2 in a row and 3 of my last 4. DON’T. LET. RHYS NICE. GET. HOT!!
7. Big Time Danny Dimes
Playoff Odds: 79.41%
Most Likely Finish: 7th (29%)
Big win for JeffWho this week. It stops a 4-game skid. It also moves him from 8th into 7th place. One step closer to securing a playoff spot. He could look even better next week, since he’s matched up against Woody this week. He could be back to .500 in no time. Of course, then he’s got PWood and Micho for the last two weeks of the season. It’s a tough road to the playoffs, but it’s doable.
6. TB12 Method
Playoff Odds: 98.70%
Most Likely Finish: 3rd (25%)
After blowing Micho last week by almost 100 points and blowing Woody the week before by more than 60 points, this week A.Dias barely put up 100 points and got absolutely destroyed by #Nick, of all teams. Vegas is going to either win the Toppa Bowl or lose in the first week of the playoffs by 75 points.
5. White Door Key
Playoff Odds: 98.32%
Most Likely Finish: 4th or 5th (tied at 23%)
After winning 6 in a row, Micho has lost for the second week in a row. He’s got to get back on track if he wants to get far in the playoffs. Unfortunately for Micho, first place Buckets is coming to town, so winning this week is going to be tough.
4. Derby Wing Night
Playoff Odds: 96.14%
Most Likely Finish: 5th (22%)
JBiggs is the highest scoring team in Toppa League, but he’s only .500. This makes no sense, because he’s actually in the middle of the pack in terms of Points Scored Against, so he hasn’t been incredibly unlucky or anything. I think this might just be that one week where he scored 236 points. I think that just threw everything off. Because even though he’s the highest scoring team in Toppa League, he’s lost two in a row and is looking like he’s trying to backslide his way into the playoffs.
3. Duke Caboom
Playoff Odds: 99.61%
Most Likely Finish: 3rd or 4th (tied at 21%)
Brendo snapped a 3 week winning streak and lost to JeffWho by 15. See Dog Shit of the Week for more info. Brendo is matched up against PWood this week, so he may not clinch a playoff spot this weekend. But the week after that he’s matched up against Timmy, so he should get in before the final week.
2. James White Claws
Playoff Odds: CLINCHED
Most Likely Finish: 2nd (53%)
Pat Mahomes is back for PWood and we may all be in trouble, because PWood stayed winning when he was hurt. And now Mahomes is back to throwing 400+ yards & 3 TD games. PWood is matched up with Brendo this week in a solid matchup, but then he finishes out the season against JeffWho and Timmy. The number 1 seed is definitely in play for PWood.
1. Fifth Pick’s 4 Flint
Playoff Odds: CLINCHED
Most Likely Finish: 1st (76%)
Wins on wins on wins. Buckets hasn’t lost since September. He clinched a playoff spot with a 25 point victory over Woody. He’s still fighting PWood for the number 1 overall and the right to play one of the shitty teams that’s going to barely make the playoffs at 5-8 like me, or Timmy, or JD, or JeffWho.
Big match-ups this weekend. #5 Micho (6-4) plays #1 Buckets (8-2) and #2 PWood (8-2) plays #3 Brendo (6-4). The playoff seeding could be completely different by the end of this weekend. Yeah, okay, if PWood and Buckets win then it’ll be exactly the same. But big stuff could happen!
Set your lineups. Pittsburgh (+3) is at Cleveland. Yikes. Didn’t these teams just fucking play. At the beginning of the year, this game looked good on paper. It’s almost like Thursday Night Football has so much negative juju, that it has the power to derail a whole team’s season to make all Thursday night games stink. The only thing that could make this game better is if Cleveland plays in their shit-brown ColorRush uniforms. [*checking*] Annnnnnd yes they are!! Get ready for Baker Mayfield to force 13 throws to Odell Beckham Jr. and overthrow 9 of them. All in High Definition Poop Emoji Brown.
Have a good weekend. Be safe, it’s Ruff out there.