It’s that time of year. We’re exactly one week from the best holiday there is. Now we’re all getting a little older. Some of our families are getting bigger. Some of you may have to host Thanksgiving this year. Some of you may have to even cook this year. And if you do have to cook this year, I have a tip. If you are looking for a recipe, avoid the internet. Look, I use the internet for everything, it’s great. It’s got literally every answer to every question you’ve ever even thought of. But I’ve fucking had it with online recipes.
The first thing that happens is you google something like “turkey recipes” and 2 billion responses come up. Literally. So you go to Allrecipes, because it’s at the top of the list. It also has 954 5-star reviews. How bad could it be? But then the recipe tells you to put fucking ranch dressing on your fucking turkey. And Jan in the reviews was like “My 4 boys LOVED the crispy ranch skin of this turkey!!” Gross. I’ve pretty much given up on Allrecipes. Every time I click on a recipe that’s something like “Authentic Homemade Chilli,” the first step in the recipe is to “open a can of chilli.”
Then there’s the Food Network recipes. But then you click on a recipe and at the top of the page is this face is staring at you:
Or the recipe is from Ina Garten. In that case, it’ll be fucking delicious but it will instantly kill you dead. Why do you need butter, whole milk, condensed milk AND heavy cream?
Then there are the Cooking Blogs. These are their own kind of annoying. They’re always named something incredibly lame like, “Loving and Learning” or “Food Warms the Heart.” Or they’re a really bad pun like, “Fitchen: Cooking and Getting Fit” or “Bake to the Future.” But the name isn’t the worst part. The worst part is the blog before the recipe. This is like the troll’s toll you have to pay before crossing the bridge. Would you care for a recipe on how to make baked salmon? Great! I’ve got a really good one. But first I’m going to tell you a story about how me and my husband, who always has some stupid pet name like Hubby or Mr. H or someshit, went on a fishing trip. I’m gonna tell you all about walking through the woods and how there were flowers everywhere and how we really found ourselves while fishing. Jesus Christ, I’m so fucking bored and I made this story up. And the fishing story wasn’t even for salmon!
And throughout this bullshit story there’s pictures of all the ingredients in little bowls. So many goddamn pictures! Here’s all the ingredients in individual bowls. Here’s all the ingredients in TWO bowls. Here’s all the ingredients in ONE bowl. Here’s the ingredients in a PAN.
And then sprinkled in between the pictures and super boring stories are ads. Ads that take like 10 seconds to load, so they break your browser while you’re trying to scroll through this blog hellscape. Don’t forget the popup ad asking you to subscribe to their shitty newsletter that covers the whole screen and is impossible to find the X on when you’re look at it on your phone. Who even has ads in the middle of their blogs anyway?
Then you finally, FINALLY get to the recipe part of this “recipe.” But sometimes, the recipe calls for “World’s Best Turkey Sauce” which is a fucking link that if you click it brings you to another terrible blog about how Missy and Mr. H went to a farmers’ market where some old man was selling dream catchers made of turkey feathers. And you have to go through all this shit over again.
Look, if you’re looking for a recipe this Thanksgiving, just look in a fucking cookbook.
Commercial I’m Already Sick Of
Considering I got up in the middle of the night last night to take a leak and started singing “Evvvry body… Needs somebody…” while peeing, this commercial can fuck RIGHT OFF!!
Dog Shit of the Week
The NFL. I must admit, when I first learned that the NFL was turning 100 this year, I was really worried. The first week of the season, they put that NFL100 logo on everything. I was preparing myself to experience the season-long simultaneous handjob-backpatting the NFL would give itself about how great it’s been for 100 years. Side note: how have we had 100 years of the NFL and 50(ish) Super Bowls? That doesn’t make any sense.
Instead, with the exception of the “Any use of this telecast without the expressed, written consent of the NFL is prohibited” message that has Walter Peyton morphing into Barry Sanders into LaDamian Tomlinson into Todd Gurley or whatever, I haven’t really seen the NFL make much of a big deal about their 100th anniversary. Now I haven’t been watching the NFL Network but where are the 100 lists of 100? 100 Best Games. 100 Best Players. 100 Best Plays. 100 Best Coaches. 100 Best Women Beaters.
But not just lists, shouldn’t we be playing up the nostalgia? There aren’t nearly enough clips of old games and old players. There should be like 3 or 4 of them per game. It also goes without saying, they should be playing in throwbacks, like, every weekend. Shit let’s go all the way back. Let’s have leather helmets for a game or two.
I think we could take it even further. We should be playing old school commercials. More Taste! Less Filling! Bring that shit back. Maybe Bud should’ve brought back Bud Dry instead of spending godknowshowmuch on Bud Light Platinum, that I have still yet to see someone drink. Why ask why?
But, this right here. This is the lost opportunity. This is the million dollar idea. Are you ready? No really. Get ready for this one.
1 hour each Sunday, noon to 1pm, RedZone cuts back and forth between games from back in the day. Like you wouldn’t watch Scott Hanson cutting from the Cowboys handing off to Emmitt Smith in the red zone to a 30 yard Jerry Rice catch for a touchdown? You would. Honestly, I’d watch more than an hour. But like heroin, you don’t want to do too much of a good thing sometimes. Then the next weekend you could go to a different time period like the 00s. How dope would the Greatest Show on Turf be if they were on the RedZone Channel? Shit I’d even watch 1960s RedZone Channel.
Week 10 #PowerRankings
We didn’t have any more teams clinch playoff spots this week. We had some teams in the bottom half of the league pick up some big wins this week.
12. For The Table
Playoff Odds: ELIMINATED
Most Likely Finish: 12th (73%)
The wheels have fallen completely off the Woody Mobile. Woody has a 0% chance of making the playoffs. He’s lost 4 in a row and is only averaging 115 points per week.
11. Sympathy Weight
Playoff Odds: 13.33%
Most Likely Finish: 10th (44%)
I, in fact, did not get hot.
10. The C.R.E.A.M. Team
Playoff Odds: 0.19%
Most Likely Finish: 11th (46%)
#Nick is finishing the SZN strong. He’s won two in a row and climbed out of last place.
9. Derby Wing Night
Playoff Odds: 86.9%
Most Likely Finish: 4th (21%)
That’s 3 losses in a row. JBiggs just might fuck around and lose a playoff spot to his brother. How ironic would that be? After blowing him out by 150 points, he loses enough to fall to 9th and his brother gets in over him.
8. TB12 Method
Playoff Odds: 92.3%
Most Likely Finish: 5th (23%)
This is stupid at this point.
Winning Scores: 186, 135, 146, 179, 167, 184
Losing Scores: 81, 119, 72, 105, 91
A.Dias shouldn’t be in 4th. This team deserves to be 7-6 and the 6th seed. He’ll then win by 56 in the quarterfinals, only to score 82 in the semis.
7. White Door Key
Playoff Odds: 94.7%
Most Likely Finish: 4th (23%)
Rut roh, Micho. This makes 3 in a row. You were starting to look like the 3rd best team in the league, but that is definitely not the case right now. Playoffs look like a pretty sure thing at this point, but you gotta turn things around if you want to sniff the Toppa Bowl.
6. Big Time Danny Dimes
Playoff Odds: 85.3%
Most Likely Finish: 7th (21%)
After losing 4 in a row, JeffWho seems to have righted the ship. He has won his last two and has been rising in the standings. He’s got a tough road to the playoffs, however. He finishes out the season against PWood this week, and then Micho next week. And while it’s a nice way to end the SZN with two hated rivals going head to head, it feels like a bit of a waste in a week where it may not matter as much. I’m hoping that the match-ups work themselves out where Micho and JeffWho will have to play each other the very next week in a 4v5 or 6v3 match-up.
Playoff Odds: 78.3%
Most Likely Finish: 7th (23%)
Watch out, here comes Timmy! And I mean that in a positive way. Not the way you usually say it. Timmy’s won 2 of his last 3 and is averaging 156 points per week over the last 4 weeks. He does close out the season against Brendo and PWood, so he’s going to have to work hard to just keep that 8th seed.
4. The Handy
Playoff Odds: 48.9%
Most Likely Finish: 9th (26%)
I thought this was going to be the year the JD missed the playoffs. I was really looking forward to not having to worry about him making a run to the Toppa Bowl. And now he’s making a late surge. He’s won his last two and gotten himself into position where he’s just outside the playoffs. He’s matched up against my shitty team this week, and with the tough match-ups that Timmy has, JD could jump Timmy and steal the 8-seed. And maybe jump all the way to 6th if JeffWho and JBiggs lose.
3. James White Claws
Playoff Odds: CLINCHED
Most Likely Finish: 2nd (53%)
PWood put up the lowest score of the week and got Blowout of the Week’d by Brendo by 82 points. But the still has 8 wins and is in second place all by himself. SZN-long dominance kept him in the Top-3 for the PowerRankings.
2. Duke Caboom
Playoff Odds: 100%
Most Likely Finish: 3rd (40%)
Huge win by Brendo. I don’t know why Yahoo didn’t award him with a little playoff clinching star. He’s the only team at 7-4 and the odds have him at 100%. Brendo’s now won 4 of his last 5.
1. 5th Pick’s 4 Flint
Playoff Odds: CLINCHED
Most Likely Finish: 1st (95%)
It’s Bucket’s title to lose. He’s now clearly the best team in Toppa League.
Be sure to make your picks and set your lineups. Indy (+3.5) is at Houston tonight, in the 245th Thursday Night Football game featuring the AFC South. Both these teams already play in ColorRush uniforms most of the time anyway, so I’m not that excited.
Programming note: Next week is Thanksgiving. I’m not spending the Wednesday before Thanksgiving writing a Toppa Blog. As much as I love entertaining you, I like eating and drinking better. But how bout this, I’ll try to throw together another gif-Ranking.
Have a great weekend!