Power Rankings

2020 PowerRanks – Toppa Invite/Pre-SZN

The most wonderful day of the year is coming. The day when I take 3 shits before 10:30am. The day where I’m so hungover that I have to pee sitting down.The day when I take a shower, then have to go jump in the ocean, then take another shower, just to think semi-clearly. The day where I clear out a group of people when I fart, OUTSIDE. I, of course, am talking about the day after Toppa Draft. The day I start building up a year’s worth of goodwill with my wife, just to throw it all away at the next year’s Toppa Draft. And this year I get to do it all AND try to take care of a child!

But this year will be a little different.

And I have a plea to make to all of you. Don’t go transmitting the Rona to me. Look, I don’t care if I get sick. I don’t care if my wife gets sick. I don’t even care if my kid gets sick. But if my fucking nanny gets sick!?! Do you know how fucking difficult it is to take care of a child?!? They need SO MANY things! And then when you’ve fed them both solid and liquid food and cleaned their shit, then they want to DO STUFF! For real, if I get my nanny sick because of any one of you motherfuckers, I will use my last, weakened, raspy, breath from my coronavirus-filled lungs, to kick the living shit out of you.

Let’s do this right. Form a pandemic pod. A quarenteam. We need a #ToppaBubble. That means you wash your hands. You’re not going the full 20 seconds anymore, are you? Let’s go. Happy birthday to you. Scrub them shits! You wear a damn mask. If a 5 year old can wear a mask, you can. Don’t go to restaurants. Don’t go to bars. Don’t go to the arcade. Don’t, for damn sure, go to fucking Specks. Who knows what diseases those fuckers have? Patient zero of the Rona is probably sitting at the bar. And holy shit, don’t walk around downtown Newport. You know masks don’t work if they’re not on your face right? These motherfuckers are just walking around, breathing each other’s air. Stay away! You can hang out with anyone you fucking want. Just do it after Sunday. Don’t be fucking stupid. I’d die for Toppa League. I’d just rather not.



This is just a picture of me. I’m not making a funny face. It looks like someone just said my name, I turned and said, “what?” And Woody snapped a picture.


One of these things is not like the other.


Again, just a picture. It happens to be of a passed out naked kid. But no effort on the face made here.


This is tough. There’s a lot of great faces here, but someone’s gotta be near the bottom. Nothing wrong with a solid “Eeeeeee” face. It’s just not enough to get you anywhere near the top.


Just a furrowed brow isn’t quite enough here. Again, love the effort.


This is a very high quality “Fuck Off” face. Coupled with the middle finger and 40, it’s amazing. This is a very meme-able picture.



This is what I need going into Toppa Draft. Micho and JeffWho right next to each other in PowerRankings. Once again in competition with each other. Let the rivalry continue. This time, for the best People’s Eyebrow. I got Micho by about 3mm. Plus the fact that he didn’t move any other muscles in his face except his eyebrow, puts him over the edge.


I can’t tell what Brendo’s trying to do here. Is he trying to look like a pirate? Is he trying to do a People’s Eyebrow? Is he trying way too hard to wink? Or is this some weird smile? I hope it’s a pirate face. Cuz he looks like a pirate.



He looks like a character from GoldenEye.


I don’t know man. For some reason this one takes the cake. Everyone (almost everyone) put in a hell of an effort here. But this one just makes me laugh. Especially since the 4 words Buckets says to me each year are “Sup boy? You good?”

Editor’s note: I haven’t forgotten about the Brendoshop post. I’ve been working on it, see:

It’s just hard to find the time to finish it. I’ll get something done in time for the draft. I promise.

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