This year, I’ve been keeping a Google Doc with all my ideas for Toppa Blog. It’s something I’ve done in previous years, but it wasn’t anything significant. Maybe I’d jot down a Christmas idea I had in October. Or I’d have an idea for the next week’s blog while writing the current week’s blog. Or while watching football, I’d write down random shit that couldn’t really be fleshed out into a blog, but I thought were ridiculous enough to come back to later.
Like a couple weeks ago, it was halftime of the Patriots-Bills game when Bill Cowher said, “I like the fact that [Josh Allen]’s throwing the ball down the field. Keep doing that. When you throw the ball down the field one of three things can happen: pass interference, completion, incompletion.” Or…. he can throw an interception?? Which he had two of, at the time??? But then Cowher went on to preview the 4 o’clock games coming up later on CBS: “Gardner Minshew had a big game last week, but now he’s going into Denver team that’s 0 and 3, and a defense that is sackless and no turnovers. Gardner Minshew, good luck.” The fuck?!? Why does he need good luck if he played well last week and is playing against a shit Broncos defense?!? What is wrong with you?
So, stuff like that. But this year, I’ve been trying to be more diligent about writing down ideas for future blogs. Last year, part of the reason I didn’t blog as much, was I didn’t always have an idea to write about, and even if I did, I didn’t always have the time to write about it. So I thought that if I kept track of ideas for blogs ahead of time, and I didn’t have any ideas, I could just grab something from the list. Plus, since I had a running list that I was always looking at, these were ideas I’d already thought about. It was basically like that meme:
So, before the SZN began I decided I was gonna write down all my ideas. Maybe even map out as much of the year’s blogs as I could. It’d almost be like a syllabus. A “sillybus” if you will. Get it? Because the blogs are supposed to be funny? I’ll see myself out.
The problem is, it’s Week 10 and we’re running out of things on that list. We’re getting to the bottom of the barrel here. We’re now at the place on the list where the only things that are left are the ideas I had at 12:30am, while sitting on the toilet, drunk. Like this fucking winner:
“Every day is a struggle (workout vs not workout, work hard at work vs read the internet)”
That’s right. My idea was to write about how it is tough to decide to do or not do things. I bet I thought this was a fucking riot. I was probably sitting there on the toilet for like 10 minutes, “Oh fuck yeah, Rhys. Write this down. This blog is gonna be hilarious!!” So I did. Then I wiped my butt. And I may as well have wiped it with my phone. Because this idea is shitty. And I could’ve tried to cobble something together about how life is tough and it’s way easier to be a fat piece of shit. But how is that a blog? What other decisions am I “struggling” with? Whether or not to put on clean underwear? It’s like “Life is hard. I would rather eat cookies and watch YouTube than fill out spreadsheets at my job. You too?! HIGH FIVE.” Annnnd print.
But here we are at Dog Shit of the Week and there’s a whole bunch of words above. So maybe I did get a blog out of that idea. It was a pretty shitty idea, and I think we can all agree, this is a pretty shitty blog. But it doesn’t really matter, you just want to see where you’re #PowerRanked, so let’s get on with it.
Dog Shit of the Week
Twitter! And not for the myriad of reasons you’d think. We don’t have enough time to go through all the evil and awful shit that is on Twitter. What we do have time for is their terrible fucking update. You see, the update to the Twitter app does this new awesome thing where every once and a while it goes “Hey! There’s new tweets!” and it jumps up towards the top of the page. But not all the way up. No. Just far enough up that you lost your place and can’t scroll down to where you left off. So I could be minding my business, eating my oatmeal, scrolling through my Twitter feed (I like to get properly pissed first thing in the morning. It’s the best way to start off the day) and I’m watching this video about this really good boy, Cooper:
And bam, before I get to the adorable punchline, my phone jumps up to some random place.
And, again, it doesn’t even automatically go all the way to the top of the feed where the new tweets are. So you still have to scroll up if you want the racism hot off the presses that they’re telling you about. It’s literally like if you were reading a book and someone came over to you and was like, “Hey! That book has other pages in it!” and slapped the book out of your hand. But it’s okay. It’s not like this happens all the time, because you know what there’s not a never ending supply of? New tweets.
Commercial I’m Already Sick Of!
So let me get this straight. A guy is upset, so he joins a Facebook group where everyone looks the same and has a similar affiliation? Yeah, this tracks.
Week 9 #PowerRankings
We’re getting close to the playoffs, so it’s time to start tracking everyone’s chances of getting in. If things hold up as they are, the 4 teams missing the playoffs are all Toppa Champs. This may be the year we crown a new king.
#Nick, Woody, JD, let’s get shirts printed!
12. For The Table
Playoff Odds: 7.67%
Most Likely Finish: 11th
Woody is the lowest scoring team in Toppa League, averaging 117 points per week. To have any shot at the playoffs, he’s going to have to win the rest of his matchups. Even then, he’ll probably need some luck, because with the lowest point total, he’d lose any tie-breakers.
11. The Handy
Playoff Odds: 14.31%
Most Likely Finish: 10th
JD is the second lowest scoring team in Toppa League, with only 6 more points per week than Woody. He’s lost 3 in a row, averaging only 98 points in that time.
10. Big Time Danny Dimes
Playoff Odds: 65.39%
Most Likely Finish: 8th
JeffWho wasted 61 points from Russel Wilson this week. That was more than half of his team’s total score. He only had one other player in double digits, and had four players score under 4 points. JeffWho has the best chance of grabbing that 8th and final playoff spot. But he’s lost 4 in a row and is averaging under 100 points in across his last 3 matchups. If he doesn’t turn it around, he could blow it and end up in the bottom of the league. Like he always does AAAYYYYY!!!!11!1 Come on Jeffery! I thought you were gonna break the curse this year.
9. Sympathy Weight
Playoff Odds: 35.88%
Most Likely Finish: 9th
Most likely to finish jjjuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssttt outside the playoffs. YES!! That is exactly what I came into the season wanting. Pay a hundred and something bucks to be just competitive enough to not completely give up, but not be good enough to have a chance at winning any money.
8. The C.R.E.A.M. Team
Playoff Odds: 0.84%
Most Likely Finish: 12th
Ooof! This is awful. #Nick put up his best score of the season and the third highest score of the week. He had 4 players with 20 points, another just shy, with 19, and another player with 30. The only problem was, the second highest score of the week was Timmy, who he happened to play this week. I guess #Nick isn’t mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, but at less than 1%, it’s a bet that even Timmy wouldn’t make.
7. Derby Wing Night
Playoff Odds: 98.66%
Most Likely Finish: 6th
JBiggs snapped a 3-week winning streak with a 22-point loss to Brendo. Not many of his players came to play this week, as only Devin Singletary and James White scored better than their projections. JBiggs has a tough road to the playoffs playing PWood and A.Dias. He also has to play me and Timmy, who both are battling for the playoffs. But, the matchup in Week 13 is against me, and I’m destined to lose that week by 0.3 points. So pencil in at least one more win for JBiggs.
6. White Door Key
Playoff Odds: 99.21%
Most Likely Finish: 5th
Micho snapped a 6-week winning streak with a performance where he couldn’t even put up 90 points. He had five players score under 5 points, including a crow egg from Adam Thielen. He also only got 8 points from Gardner Minshew II (Is anybody calling this guy Minshew Two? Or The Deuce? He looks like “The Deuce.” Does he have a nickname? Other than something mustache related?).
Playoff Odds: 78.33%
Most Likely Finish: 7th
Timmy got 40 points from Jimmy G and 30 points each from Mike Evans and DJ Metcalf. That was enough to give Timmy a 6-point victory over #Nick. That win snaps a 3-week losing streak and gets Timmy back in the playoff hunt.
4. Duke Caboom
Playoff Odds: 99.89%
Most Likely Finish: 3rd or 4th
Brendo got 42 points from Christian McCaffery and that was really all he needed to get his 3rd win in a row. Brendo is hoping he can keep his streak going this week., and that JeffWho keeps his streak going. A win against JeffWho this week would put him all-but-in the playoffs.
3. James White Claws
Playoff Odds: 100%
Most Likely Finish: 2nd or 3rd
PWood just keeps winning. It turns out that PWood reverse jinxed himself way back in September when he said his team was trash. Sometimes you gotta keep a chip on your shoulder. Can’t get too cocky. Got to knock the team down a peg if they’re starting to think their shit don’t stink.
2. TB12 Method
Playoff Odds: 99.8%
Most Likely Finish: 2nd
I don’t get it. Twice A.Dias has been the Blow Out of the Week. But three times he’s done the Blowing. This week he blew Micho by almost 100 points. And he blew Woody the week before. Oh I’m bringing back the Blowout of the Week sponsor, and it’s this dog toy:
When I bought it, I thought it would be a great way to clean my little guy’s teeth. It’s a toy, that he chews, and it cleans his teeth. That’s gold, Jerry! Gold! And he likes chewing it! Loves it, actually. But, it’s a bit weird when your dog is sitting in the middle of the living room floor, while you’re watching TV, and he’s chewing on a butt plug.
A.Dias is only a 0.02% chance of not making the playoffs and with matchups against #Nick and JD over the next two weeks, I think he’s gonna be just fine.
1. Fifth Pick’s 4 Flint
Playoff Odds: 100%
Most Likely Finish: 1st
This is super impressive. Buckets has won 5 in a row and is the 2nd highest scoring team in the league. But it’s the way he wins that is so impressive. He’s put up some pretty low scores in some of those victories, but his opponent didn’t come to play. But when he needs to, Buckets is capable of putting up huge scores. He’s doing whatever it takes to win. With 3 of his last 4 against Woody, #Nick and JD, he’s looking like a clear #1 seed heading into the Toppa Playoffs.
Set your lineups and make your picks. The San Diego SUPERChargers are heading to…. Oakland? to play the Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraiders (+1). How bout this is a Loser Leaves Town Match, and the loser becomes the London team?
Some times its just about fulfilling obligations. Quantity over quality fellas. Enjoy the weekend.