It’s the National Championship tonight, and it’s time to get excited. Or don’t. Because guess what? College basketball fucking sucks. Don’t agree with me? Good, because I was looking for a reason to explain myself. Also, you’re wrong.
Reason #1: “First Four” is Stupid
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Or as the people who run sports like to say “If it ain’t broke, fucking meddle with it anyway.” Why on Earth are there games on Tuesday and Wednesday? “The bracket is set, and GAMES START RIGHT AWAY!” Give it some time to breathe, NCAA. The Super Bowl doesn’t take place until 2 weeks after the conference championship games (too long, but still). The NBA waits like 6 days between the conference championships and the Finals (again, too long). But the NCAA prematurely ejaculates all over March Madness.
Do I have to pick these games for my bracket? Why not? Shouldn’t we have to pick those too? And if you’re gonna have play-in games and have some of them be shitty 16 seeds, why aren’t all of the teams playing shitty 16-seeds? How come some shitty-16 seeds have to play First Four games, but other shitty 16-seeds don’t? If those shitty 16-seeds aren’t as shitty, shouldn’t they be 15-seeds? And why are 11-seeds playing play-in games? Wichita State was good enough to win it’s Round of 64 game, but in order to guess that correctly when filling out a bracket, you’d have to guess correctly that they were going to be Vanderbilt in the first place. And the First Four is the reason we now have to call what is the start of March Madness, the “Second Round.” Fuck that.
Reason #2: The First 2 Days of March Madness are Wack
Hey guys, I’m going to have a super fun basketball tournament, and have 32 games played over the course of 2 days, sounds awesome right? Oh wait, but I’m gonna have those games played on FUCKING WEEKDAYS. When you are at work. Why the fuck does March Madness start on Thursday? How does the National COLLEGIATE Athletic Association condone playing these games in the middle of the school day? This shit should be on Saturday. And start at 10am. Fuck the West Coast.
Reason #3: College Basketball Players are Bad at Basketball
Woody sent me a text at 9:30 last Saturday, during the Kansas-Villanova game saying “these are the best two teams in the tournament.” That game was 59 to 64. That is shit basketball. Wanna know who’s good at basketball? The Golden State Warriors. They average 115 points per game. That is good basketball. I always get excited to watch a March Madness game, then the game starts and I watch 19-year old kids clang threes of the rim for 12 minutes. If I wanted to watch that, I’d go to the Y.
Reason #4: The National Championship game starts at 9:20pm
On a school night?!? Don’t these kids have class tomorrow?
Reason #5: College Basketball Players Take Fake Classes
Remember that while you’re cheering on UNC. It’s a team of cheating cheaters who cheat.
I could give a fuck about the NCAA and UNC violating rules. They’re all corrupt as hell. I’m pissed that I had to go to class and pay a whole bunch of money and try hard and shit, and these guys are getting to take “Paper Classes” and getting A’s for, I don’t know, just showing up? Do they even have to do that? And what did I get for all my hard work? A job where I get to spend all day staring at a computer screen, pretending to not be watching poorly played basketball.