I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens this weekend. I’m not gonna talk about the actual movie, besides the fact that it’s good and you should go see it if you haven’t.
There are two things about regarding this movie that did I want to talk about though. The first is, I’ve never felt the NEED to go see a movie as soon as it came out quite like this before. I’ve been fired up to see movies as soon as they came out before. I can remember seeing Independence Day the day it opened. I can remember getting back from a family trip on the morning Men in Black opened and still going to see it later that day*. I saw Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers at midnight the day before it opened.
*I apparently was a fan of Will Smith back in 1996. But who the fuck wasn’t?! That man was a national treasure. He lost some speed on his fastball when he became a Scientologist and started making movies with his kids. He needs to do a movie with The Rock. I would watch the shit out of a buddy comedy with Will Smith and The Rock. Like, maybe they’re cops. And brothers! Okay, they should just remake Bad Boys but with The Rock.
But Star Wars felt different. I felt the need to see it as soon as possible, or it would be ruined. Spoiled! And that was awful. It was near-impossible to avoid any information about this movie, and it hadn’t even come out yet! I was in a Twitter blackout. I made sure I didn’t check Face… I don’t check Facebook, so I guess that was fine. But still, it was all over TV. Every website had some review, or interview, or article about the old movies that had the potential to sneakily drop a bomb like “Unlike The Force Awakens, the original Star Wars doesn’t have a talking spaceship…” FUCK! Now I know there’s a talking spaceship! I was scared to read the internet. All of it. Any of it. Even reviews like: “Spoiler Free Review of Star Wars. It’s Everything You Hoped.” would freak me the fuck out and make me throw my phone out the window. I had to try and avoid the internet. Do you know how hard it is to avoid the internet!? I went to work and had to do my job!! For like a week!!! It was horrible!! So I ended up seeing this movie, partially because I really wanted to see it, but also partially because I wanted to be able to go back to my normal everyday life (i.e. avoid doing work all day).
And the timing was not great for that kind of desperation. How many dudes were at Holiday parties this weekend being like, “Fuck! How do I get out of this?” Or had to debate watching football or going to the movies? That’s not cool at all.
The second thing I wanted to talk about is, that even though I thought this movie was good, I did not enjoy watching it. Remember when the Patriots were in the Super Bowl last year? Of course you do, it was wonderful. Well, I don’t know about you, but I didn’t enjoy a second of that game. I pretty much was a ball of nerves. I spent the whole time hoping the Pats didn’t lose. Pretty much the entire time. And that’s different from hoping they win. Hoping they win is “Man, wouldn’t it be great if they won? That’d be the best.” Hoping they don’t lose is, ” Don’t fuck this up. Don’t fuck this up. Don’t fuck this up. God I hope they don’t lose, that would be the fucking worst.” It wasn’t until I woke up the next day that the Super Bowl victory sunk in and I became happy. And that’s exactly how I felt while watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I was so goddamn nervous the entire time. Every 10 or 15 minutes I thought to myself, “Okay this is going pretty good, but there’s still time for them to mess this up by talking about Midichlorians or worse, Jar-Jar Binks could pop on screen at any time and be like ‘Yousa thought meesa was gone forever, but no no no!'” But those things never happened. And I left the theater having enjoyed the movie. Again, it didn’t sink in until a little later, that I actually did enjoy the movie, but I thought it’s a solid A-/B+ movie. I’m actually excited to see it again, when I don’t have to bring any baggage with me and can just enjoy the movie.**
**I actually did this with the Super Bowl too, by the way. And it was great. Turns out we won!
East Lot Conference Championship Game
#7 #BroNationEjaQlation 186.20
#1 JPP’s Finger Bang 149.25
David Johnson scored 50.90 points. David Johnson. 50.90 points. That’s as much as Tavon Austin, Doug Baldwin, Jeremy Hill and Isaiah Crowell, who all play for Brendo, combined! That was pretty much the difference in this matchup. That, and Kansas City (26.00 points) got to catch balls from Jimmy Clausen all day.
West Lot Conference Championship Game
#5 OBJYN 160.55
#3 Ladies and Edelman 142.75
The weekend’s second matchup was much closer than the first. But in the end, after a big game from Brandin Cooks (26.40 points) on Monday night, JD was able to pull out the 18-point victory. Micho had to know when Odell Beckham Jr. dropped that first pass, it was going to be an uphill battle for his team.
JD’s team was a more stars and scrubs attack with a handful of duds from Chris Ivory (4.20), Heath Miller (1.20), and Matt Prater (4.00) but was saved by huge performances from Cooks, Eli Manning (35.65), and Julio Jones (25.80). Micho’s team was much more balanced with 8 players in double digits, but didn’t get a single superstar performance. His three highest scoring players, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Dorial Green-Beckham and Devonta Freeman, finished with 21.25, 18.30, and 16.10 points, respectively. Oh, and a doughnut from Jacob Tamme didn’t help.
Nice run Micho. Have a beer, that’ll cheer you up.
Props Over Here
Before we get into the main event, let’s look at this weekend’s prop bets. Props are brought to you, as always, by Hewitt Gambling Services, where we take care of all the needs of the pothead, degenerate gambler. Note: Odds of Maini (+1500) and JD (-900) getting photoshopped have been taken off the board because they’re definitely both getting photoshopped next week, it’s just a matter of whose head is going where.
- Number of text messages Micho sends on Sunday: 17.5 Over (-350) / Under (+220)
- Rule changes at Cappy’s today: 2.5 Over (+120) / Under (-150)
- Tight end is added to the Flex for 2016 (-110)
- Jeff Who shows up at Cappy’s (+2000)
- Micho is sitting at the bar at Cappy’s by the time this post is up (-180)
- New England secures the 1st seed overall (-200)
- During the Patriots game, the number of beers Timmy drinks from a stryofoam cooler that you buy at 7/11: 9.5 Over (-180) / Under (+300)
- Camera shots of Odell Beckham Jr. on the bench: 9.5 Over (+200) / Under (-150)
- Charcandrick West >65 rushing yards (-150)
- Ben Roethlisberger fantasy points: 30.00 Over (-140) / Under (+200)
- An under .500 team gets into the playoffs (+300)
- Someone besides Maini and JD gets photoshopped next week (Even)
This is what it’s all about. That championship belt and a seat at the Table of Champions. And Bud Light.
#5 OBJYN vs #7 #BroNationEjaQlation
It all comes down to this. JD versus #Nick. The head versus the hashtag. 2014’s Runner Up versus 2013’s. The #5 ranked team against the #7. Two underdogs have made it to the Toppa Bowl and now only one of them can become this year’s James M. Toppa Sr. Fantasy League Champion.
Previous Matchup: JD and #Nick have played each other twice this year, and each one of them walked away with a blowout win. In Week 1, JD rode Julio Jones (34.10 points), Chris Ivory (22.00), Tyler Eifert (29.40), Matt Bryant (17.00) and the St. Louis D (22.00) to a 172.95 – 123.45 spanking. In fact, those five players totaled enough to beat #Nick’s team by themselves. In Week 12, #Nick got his revenge laying a smacketh down of his own, 170.00 – 125.15. #Nick was able to get almost 40 points out of Ben Roethlisberger, as well as huge games from Megatron (27.30), Julius Thomas (24.60) and the Bengals D (25.00).
Right now the Over/Under is at 290.5. That’s got the makings for another 170 – 120 matchup, but which way will it go?
Key Players for OBJYN: Julio Jones, who I talked shit about last week and then he exploded for 118 yds and a TD; Brandin Cooks, who’s had three monster, 26-point games in the last few weeks, but also had two 3-point games in between. If the pattern holds up, he’s gonna lay an egg this week. However, he is going against a crappy Jags defense. However however, Drew Brees is questionable.
Key Players for #BroNationEjaQlation: David Johnson, who, let me say this again, scored 50 points last week. If he does that again, you can start inscribing that hashtag into the belt.
Okay guys. JD, #Nick, set those lineups. San Diego (+6) is at Oakland tonight. Then on Saturday the Eagles take on the Washingtons (+3) in a Special Presentation of Thursday Night Football on Saturday Night That Also Happens to be The Night After Christmas Which Some Countries Call Boxing Day on the NFL Network but Presented by CBS. Also, there’s no need for anyone else to be setting their lineups. The Consolation Bracket means nothing. Why are there some people, Micho, still picking people up on the waiver wire. Stop it. And PWood, what’s up with the 120-point blowout? That’s not cool man.
I wish I could be there to watch these two guys watch the games. It’d be like one of those Fan Duel commercials. Two pasty white dudes, sitting there sweating while watching football. It’d be great. Word on the street is, that they’re both spending Sunday with their significant others. That is hilarious. Nothing says “I love you” like checking your phone 478 times during a family gathering.
Alright boys, may the best man win. And to everyone else Merry Christmas! Micho, Happy Kwanza.