Woody asked me to do a post about Chandler Jones, but I’ve spent a little over a week writing my year in review post (better late than never!), but timeliness is next to Godliness, so I’m gonna write a post giving you my thoughts on the Chandler Jones thing, as well as some Divisional Round thoughts, but I’m gonna do it fast and loose, Barstool-style. No proof-reading, no editing, just hot takes baby! Bang on the keyboard for a while and then push POST!!
So, Woody asked me to do a post about Chandler Jones because he the story sounded so ridiculous. But I have conflicted feelings about it. The New York Times published an article about how synthetic marijuana (Street Name: K2!! I assume that’s because like the mountain, it gets you really high and can kill you!) is becoming rampant in New York City. The article was not from the New York Post thankfully, so it’s not been classified a full blown EPIDEMIC. The article claims the epicenter of synthetic marijuana use is right at 125th Street and Lexington Avenue. That intersection is a 10 minute walk from my apartment and my main subway stop, which means I walk through that area two to three times a day!! Let me tell you, dudes are HURT. UP. The cops have set up a permanent mobile command center now to dissuade the hobos from getting banged up on K2, though I’m sure they’re doing it other places. So, when I read this stuff about Chandler Jones, I can’t help but think about the serious side of these things. Fuck getting old sucks.
All that said, now that he’s fine, and properly embarrassed, it is funny to think about a six-foot six defensive lineman running around Foxborough in nothing but sweatpants doing a morning prayer at the feet of a cop first thing in the morning. Imagine an old lady walking her tiny Yorkshire Terrier at 7 o’clock in the morning and an enormous, half-naked black man bursts out of his house yelling “The British are coming! The British are coming! I’m a Patriot and the British are coming!!!”. Or picturing him sneaking around the parking lot of the Foxborough Police Station, peaking out from behind the dumpster. Officer Folscado was probably just drinking his Dunkin Donuts coffee like “Heyy, O’Leary! How was ya night? Wait, hang awn… You see that? I think theya’s a guy out theya behind the dumpstah. Is that… is that Chandlah Jones? What the fucking fuck?” Those poor cops. They probably treated him the same way they treat a 19 year old who eats too many pot brownies. “It’s okay, son. Just get into this ambulance.”
And Cris Carter needs to shut the fuck up. He makes a comment like “I don’t know anything about synthetic marijuana, but I think he was on PCP.” You can’t say “I don’t know anything about…” then make a statement about it. This is the same guy who said that Cam Newton was “bapping.” I walk by dudes on K2 everyday and they are wicked fucked up. Also, if Chandler Jones smoked marijuana laced with PCP, you know what would show up in his drug test? Marijuana! AND PCP! You fucking dolt. Synthetic marijuana is basically cooking spices sprayed with chemicals, that’s why it doesn’t show up in a tox-screen, because it doesn’t contain any of the shit you’re testing for. It’s also why it fucks you up so much. Imagine if you went and smoked a shit load of basil sprayed with some fucking Pledge. Probably not the best for your brain. Don’t get any ideas Timmy. Stick to the ganja.
Also, if Chandler Jones smoked marijuana laced with PCP, you know what would show up in his drug test? Marijuana! AND PCP! You fucking dolt.
Some quick hits about the Divisional Playoffs:
Chiefs at Patriots
I’m gonna tell you this right now, the most important players on Sunday are not going to be TFB, Edelman nor Gronk. Yes, in order to win, they’ll need to play well, and I think they will. I think the Pats take the governor off and the offense looks like the offense we know and love. But, the most important players on Sunday are going to be the offensive line and HOT TAKE ALERT! Steven Gostowkski. For the offensive line, if the Pats can actually run the ball on Sunday and, at the risk of sounding like a pregame talking shithead, if Brady is protected and has time to throw, they win this game by 2-plus touchdowns. As for Gostkowski, how can a kicker be the most important player of the game? Well, Special Teams is one of the clear ways we lose this game. If the Pats are in this game, they’ll win. The way they get out of this game, is a big play and they’ve shown, they can give up the big play on Special Teams. Last week’s Chiefs-Texans game was over before it started, because of a 100-yard kickoff touchdown. If Gostkowski boots every single off kickoff through the back of the endzone, the Pats win this game. Just sayin’
Packers at Cardinals
Are the Packers back? Maybe. Were the Washington Professional Football Players just really bad? Probably. I’ll believe A.A.Ron is back when I see it two weeks in a row.I’m in on the Cards. They just fucking sling the ball around the field and play great defense. They’re so much fun to watch. Are you ready for Carson Palmer to be one of the new faces of the NFL? I am.
Seahawks at Panthers
Panthers win this game. Correction. Cam wins this game. Sorry, that team is 15-1. No way that team goes 15-1 and loses in the Divisional round. I just don’t see it. Also, the Seahawks won by the skin of their teeth last week and had to play a punishing game when it was cold as fuck. Don’t underestimate having to recuperate playing a playoff game in -5 degree weather.
Steelers at Broncos
Of course the shitty Broncos get to play the Steelers probably without Antonio Brown and possibly without Ben Roethlisberger! I never checked who won the PowerBall, was it the entire Denver Broncos? It could’ve been seeing how lucky they’ve been all season. Aayyyy! Bill Simmons has this thing where he tracks True Wins, True Losses and Either-Or games. It’s a quick and easy way of telling whether a team is as good as their record says. Most teams have 2 or 3 Either-Or games, and if you think about that, it makes sense. The Denver Broncos have 8 Either-Or games! They had EIGHT games they either could’ve won or they could’ve lost, and they won them all! Ugh, at least Jim Nantz and Phil Sims get to talk about how good Peyton Manning is at audibling and handing the ball off for 3 and a half hours. I might hate everyone involved in this game.