Well it’s the Super Bowl kids! And sadly, the Patriots aren’t in it. They can’t be in it every year. I mean, imagine how insufferable we’d be if the Patriots went to the Super Bowl every year. People would REALLY hate us. It’s good to have some perspective. Every once and while, you should let the other kids have a turn. But, without our favorite team in THE BIG GAME this year, the potential is there for getting bored. Luckily, there’s beer! And food! And prop bets! I’ve combed through all the sources, Bovada, Westgate, Hewitt Enterprises, to find what I think are my best bets for the Super Bowl.

PowerRanks Best Prop Bets for Super Bowl 50

Coin Toss – Tails (-101)

Never fails.

Will Either Team Score 3 Straight Times w/o Other Team Scoring – Yes (-165)

This bet has won in the last 4 Super Bowls and 7 of the last 9. Just sayin’

How many times will “dab” or “dabbing” be said by the announcers during the broadcast? – Under 2 (-140)

This is Jim Nance and Phil Simms we’re talking about. Al Michaels or even Joe Buck would definitely sneak it in there once or twice. These two? They can’t be bothered with what dance moves the kids are doing these days.

Number of times I wish that Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth were calling this game instead of Jim Nantz and Phil Simms – Over 7.5 (-160)

Field Goals Made – Over 3.5 (-115)

I feel like the Denver kicker could hit the over on his own.

Garage Beer Pong – Team Brendo & PWood (+3 cups)

The weather’s supposed to be nice. Woody’s always going to be the favorite in any stupid game you play with him, and I hate him for it, but I think Brendo and PWood keep it close.

First Scoring Play – Field Goal or Safety (+115)

The first scoring play of the Super Bowl has been a field goal or a safety 51% of the time. I’m getting favorable odds for something that happens more than 50% of the time. Bang it!

Also, couldn’t you see the Broncos winning the toss, Peyton tossing a couple outs, getting them into field goal range, then throwing a duck to miss a wide open receiver, so the Broncos have to kick a field goal? At which point, we all think “Maybe the Broncos could pull this thing off!” and then the Panthers rattle off 21 straight points and we remember Denver isn’t that good.

Player to Score a TD – Emmanuel Sanders (+140)

These odds aren’t great, but I think he’s the guy who’s gonna score for Denver.

Player to Score a TD – Broncos Defense or Special Teams (+300)

If the Broncos are going to win the Super Bowl, this is how they’re going to do it.

First Beer opened – Over 12:30pm (+300)

Insider info: I’ve had a pretty awful cold this week, that I’m only just now getting over. I may be taking it easy on Sunday. That said, I have no will power and love beer. This line will be moving all week.

Gatorade Color – Clear +400

This has you covered whether they’re drinking water or Gatorade FROST: Glacier Cherry. There are market inefficiencies everywhere fellas, you just gotta know where to look.

Will Mike Carey be wrong about a challenge? – Yes (+110)

So, apparently Mike Carey isn’t actually wrong that often about challenged calls. In fact, he’s right 90% of the time. It turns out, he’s SO bad at explaining things that nobody understands him and just assumes he’s wrong. Just look at a couple explanations the guy has given:

#1. Well, this is one that, really, talk about dual possession. There was no dual possession coming in, but when the receiver hits the ground, and the defender comes in, the ball comes loose. It’s out of bounds. When the ball comes loose, the ball should be incomplete at that spot.

#2. A real close one. And here’s the rule: It’s not does he have control of the ball — is he touching the ball when he’s touching in the end zone. ‘Cause that makes it dead in the end zone — ‘cause the player is touching in the end zone, it makes it dead immediately.

The fuck?! It doesn’t even really matter whether I describe the two plays he was commenting on, because he still doesn’t make any sense. Out of all the people available for this job, Mike Carey was the one the selected. They could just cut to guy dressed as a giant bunny who either holds his hands up for touchdowns or waves his arms for incomplete passes, and that would be more interesting than Mike Carey.

There will be a pass ruled “incomplete” as part of a correctly interpreted rule, but it will look very much like a catch – Yes (+120)

Good thing the NFL is forming a committee to look into changing the rules of what constitutes a catch… what’s that? The NFL thinks the catch rule is “in a good place” and instead, think they need to do a better job of “communicating the rule and educating” ?? Apart from the fact that the NFL could stand to do a bit more “communicating and education” across the board….. fuck these idiots. What kind of asshole is like, “Nah, the rule is fine, you guys just don’t get it. But that’s on us. We need to do a better job of explaining the rule so your tiny, insignificant brains understand it.” If you need to do a better job of explaining a rule, maybe the rule isn’t so perfect. How bout this:

“A CATCH is the act of a player in getting secure possession in his hand of a ball in flight and firmly holding it;  It is not a catch, however, if simultaneously or immediately following his contact with the ball, he collides with a player, or if he falls down, and as a result of such collision or falling, drops the ball. In establishing the validity of the catch, the player shall hold the ball long enough to prove that he has complete control of the ball and that his release of the ball is voluntary and intentional.”

Wanna know where that comes from? Baseball. They catch the ball all the fucking time in baseball. And I never wonder “That looked like an out, but it’s not” Sorry.

Will there be an earthquake during the game?

What kind of morbid motherfucker…??

How many times will the Golden Gate Bridge be shown during the broadcast? – Over 0.5 (-300)

They’re gonna show it once. They just are.

Puppy Bowl – Team Ruff (-7)

Team Ruff has this one in the bag. Even though there are 3 more puppies on Team Fluff than Team Ruff (How is this fair? Who put this thing together?!?), Team Ruff is stacked with a bunch of working and sporting dogs. Those little guys have a got a nose for the football. I went all in on Team Ruff for my Puppy Bowl Fantasy Team. Don’t believe me? Look:

That’s a squad. I’m killing this thing. Although penalties for poops might set me back a bit. Pick your own team. I fucking dare you.

I want all three of these dogs. Like a lot.

Animal Planet also has a puppy cam on their website. You get to watch 6 adorable puppies do adorable puppy things, for free! Granted, there’s usually a giant turd in the shot, but you get over that quickly.

Which song will Coldplay play first during the halftime show? – Clocks (+750)

It’s got to be Clocks. How could it not be Clocks? You know Clocks. It’s the one that goes deedoodoodeedoodoo deedoodoodeedoodoo di, deedoodoodeedoodoo deedoodoodeedoodoo di, deedoodoodeedoodoo deedoodoodeedoodoo di … and so on.

How do they not start with the stadium dark and then what’s-his-face plays that on the piano? It’s the only song that’s gonna make my dad go “Oh, I know this one,” and not go take a dump.

How many wings will Buffalo Wild Wings sell on Super Bowl Day? – Over 12 million

Is Micho gonna be there? WAAAAYYYY OVER!!

Margin of Victory – Panthers by 19-24 (+900)
Margin of Victory – Panthers by 25-30 (+1600)

This game looks like it could go one of two ways. Either the Panthers smoke the Broncos 38-9, or…

Margin of Victory – Broncos by 1-6 (+400)

The Broncos squeak out yet another lucky, cheap win where Peyton plays like shit the whole game and the defense does enough to keep them in the game, and then something wacky happens and Denver wins 15-14.

“We talked about” – Over 13.5 (-200)

Phil and Jim got a WHOLE WEEK to talk to everybody and anybody involved with this game. Are you kidding me? Phil might talk about how they talked about stuff after every play of the game!!

And if you want to specifically root against Peyton Manning, here you go:

Total Touchdown Passes – Peyton Manning – Under 1.5 (+105)

He’s had more than 1 touchdown pass in 4 games this year. He also had zero TDs in a game 5 times.

Total Passing Attempts – Peyton Manning – Under 35.5 (-105)

The over is -125. Manning is not throwing 36 times in this game, even if they’re down by 50.

Will either backup QB take a snap in the game? – Yes (+200)

It honestly, probably won’t happen, but how much fun would it be to see Brock Lobster warming up on the sidelines after Peyton’s thrown his second pick of the first half. How worried would Nance get?

Will Peyton Manning throw a Pick 6 in the game? – Yes (+300)

This one too, probably won’t happen, but it’s just too much fun to root for. Imagine Peyton throws a duck, it wobbles in the air, one of the Carolina linebackers sits underneath it, he catches it and starts running it back, Peyton’s lips begin to curl downwards, his brow begins to furrow, the Panthers score and you turned 10 bucks into a cool $30.

Manning Face – Over 2.5 (-120)

*Eli Manning crowd shot counts

Just in case you forgot what it looks like:

If Peyton Manning throws touchdown to win the Super Bowl
Jim Nantz explodes all over Phil Simms (-300)
Phil Simms explodes all over Jim Nantz (+105)
Jim Nantz explodes all over Phil Simms while Phil Simms explodes all over Jim Nantz (EVEN)

Bet them all, and buy stock in Purell.

There is a scenario that is totally in play, where Peyton Manning goes 12/26 for 154 yards with 1 TD and 3 interceptions, but the defense plays out of their minds and wins this game for them, but goddamn, motherfucking Peyton Manning wins the MVP because he’s the sheriff or the general or the comptroller or whatever. Just so you know, Manning is the worst quarterback to play in the Super Bowl since the year 2000. That list includes Trent Dilfer, Rex Grossman, Joe Flacco and Jake Delhomme. And the worst part is, because he’s goddamn, motherfucking Peyton Manning, the fact that he’s the worst quarterback in the Super Bowl in 15 years makes me EVEN MORE worried that he’s gonna pull this off somehow.

So in the last 7 Super Bowls, not including last year’s PICK, underdogs are 6-1-0. Needless to say, I was pretty excited we took some Toppa Kitty money and put it on the Panthers at -6. That was until, of course, I saw this:

You think Peyton’s getting down to give security dogs belly rubs? Hell no! Him and Jim Nantz are probably cooking them up and putting them on top of Papa John’s pizzas.

Look at them. The just murdered a bunch of innocent puppies. And they’re so smug about it too.

I’m all in on the Panthers. Cam gives the ball to little kids after he scores (take Girl +150, by the way). Riverboat Ron rubs dogs bellies. You don’t bet against kids and puppies. This team can’t lose! #peytonmurderspuppies