I’ve been waiting for that text all summer. Either Woody’s having another baby or Toppa invite was coming in the mail. Either way I was going to be out some money.
If Toppa Draft Invitation was in the mail that meant Toppa Blog preseason was right around the corner. I had to get ready for my preseason Power Ranks: Toppa Invite, Team Names, and Post Draft Power Rankings. I had to start Power Ranking everything in my life.
Watching TV. TV Shows I’m currently watching, ranked in one word:
- Game of Thrones: Awesome
- Rick and Morty: YYYYEESSSSSSSS!!!!!
- Desus & Mero: Hilarious
- Preacher: Bonkers
- Broadchurch: Heartbreaking
- The News: Depressing, well except when this guy comes on to give me the weather:
This guy is my actual local weatherman, and he’s fucking magic every time he’s on the screen.
Walking down the street on a hot day and decided to grab a delicious, refreshing ice cream cone. Ice cream flavors, ranked:
- Mint Chocolate Chip
- Cookies and Cream
- Cookie Dough
- Rocky Road
- Black Raspberry
97642. Green Tea
Walking into work. Coworkers, ranked.
Eating my lunch at work. Lunch snacks for trying to be healthy, ranked:
- Apple with peanut butter: this is the best because you can basically get away with eating about 3 cups of peanut butter in a sitting by scooping exorbitant amounts of peanut butter onto each apple slice.
- Cheese sticks: These are a nice little throwback to elementary school. And a nice source of protein! But I don’t fuck around with pulling strips off and eating them one by one. I just bite into that motherfucker like an animal. Who has the time for peeling?
- Grapes: Red only. Green grapes are trash.
- Triscuits: Triscuits used to be boring unless you at them with other things like 8 slices of cheese or cured meats. But now, they make some bomb-ass flavors. Smoked Gouda? Rosemary and Olive Oil? Fire Roasted Tomato and Olive Oil? Now, they’re like straight up Doritos and it’s amazing.
- Hummus and Veggies: The same principle applies here as with the apple and peanut butter. The key is to cover about three quarters of the carrot stick or cucumber slice in hummus when you dip it, then bite it leaving just the remaining quarter length piece. Then dip that piece in getting as much hummus on it as possible, including all over your fingers. You can do this because hummus is healthy, it’s made from beans.
- Crackers: This is when you’re rummaging around the house before work, looking for anything that you can put in your mouth later so you won’t be starving. Stale crackers? That’ll do.
Power Ranking had made it into every facet of my life. The other night, I was eating dinner with Boom Boom and she claimed that steak might be her most favorite thing ever. Oh really? You don’t say? How strongly do you feel about this? Why don’t you go ahead a Power Rank your favorite things ever, and let’s see where steak comes in on the rankings? If you’re interested, I came in 3rd behind the dog and pasta. I’m just happy she didn’t forget about me.
Although when you’re practicing takes, it means you’ll make some enemies along the way. “Mom, your cooking is like Roger Goodell. Cowardly. Where’s the inventiveness? Where are the spices? This pork chop ranks last out of all dinners ever.”
It’s been a long week.
Dog Shit of the Week
Vegas. Nice going. Way to ruin the surprise. Kid probably walks into the room while you’re watching Game of Thrones, and is like “Great show! Is this the one where everyone dies?” Did you unwrap all your Christmas presents like 10 days early too? “Hey man, I know it’s your wedding day, and you’re not supposed to see the bride in her wedding dress, but don’t worry. I just sent you a Snapchat of it. It looks gorgeous.” This was basically the real life version of commenting “First” on an blog post.
Look, I get it. You’re suped Toppa Invite came. Give those of us who don’t live in the zip code (or same house!) a chance to see it for ourselves. Just be like, “Toppa Invite is Fire Emoji!!!” Then let the rest of us get even more excited. Don’t send a GODDAMN PICTURE.
Man, it feels good to be Photoshopping people’s heads under my dogs butt again. Football is back!!!
Toppa Invite #PowerRankings
I managed to avoid seeing all of Vegas’s text, so I still had some surprise when I opened the envelope. My mind was already prepared to analyze and deliver a scorching hot take for each picture in the invite. But what did I see when I opened it up?? Kids. KIDS! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?! I can’t rank children. You can’t be mean about babies and toddlers. Everyone knows this. You can’t be mean about other people’s children, dogs or grandmas (even the racist ones).
But it is my duty to rank the Toppa Invite, so I’ll do what I have to.
Some brief observations before I start.
- You couldn’t wait till PWood had his kid? Isn’t it like any day now? We can’t get a picture of that baby in a belt? What about a sonogram with a belt? PS I’ll donate 10 bucks to Toppa Kitty if PWood goes into the delivery room with his belt on.
- Huge troll move on Buckets here. Just in case he needed a reminder he lost the Toppa Bowl, here’s a picture of your kids without a championship belt. Woody cucked Buckets and his kids!
Okay here we go:
This is a cute baby, but why you gotta put it in a Dolphins onesie? Way to saddle your kid with problems early in its life. I guess it could be worse, it could be a Bills onesie.
Kid Ranking: Good baby
This kid’s wearing Dolphins gear too! This is terrible parenting. JayMo is gonna grow up and look back and be like, “Dad I had the chance to watch and root for the greatest quarterback of all time, instead you taught me to root for mediocrity.”
“Builds character boy.”
Kid Ranking: Cute kid, who, I have no doubt, will be good at every single sport ever.
Look, JD, your kid is cute. But it feels like you’re trying a liiiiiiittle too hard here. Why don’t we put this little football in here, and how about ANOTHER beer, oh AND this book about Tom Brady. Easy there buddy.
Kid Ranking: Very happy baby, whose head is mercifully proportional to it’s body
It’s like a little mini Stone Cold!
I swear to God, Mary hates me. Every time I see her, she goes around the room giving hugs and kisses and high fives to everybody. Then when she gets to me, she gives me the three classic little kid moves that say “I don’t like you”: First, wide-eyed silence, next, then looks away and hides her face in mom or dad’s chest, then finally, she gives me the finger.
Woody has created an elaborate story to make me feel better. I know he came home one day and was like “Shit, Mary hates Rhys. Let’s tell him that she talks about him all the time when he’s not around, and then we’ll say we have no idea what happens when she sees him. That sounds believable.” I appreciate the effort.
But you listen here, Mary. I fucking bought you that Tom Brady jersey, so you better give me a goddamn kiss on the cheek when you see me. I’m not above taking it back. That shit would look real good on my dog. You don’t think he’d wear that in the dog park every game day? You’re goddamn right he would. Yeah, watch yourself.
Kid Ranking: Very cute kid, who will one day grow up to smash those beers together and chug them like Stone Cold and her Dad will have never been prouder or more depressed at the same time.
Football is close. Can you smell it?