Okay, we’re gonna have to keep this one short. The draft was Sunday and I only got over my hangover yesterday. And really, I could go on and on about how awesome football season is, but I don’t need to. You know. That’s why football season is so fucking awesome. Everybody knows it. The game takes years off of the players lives. The players beat up their girlfriends. The owners are rich, Trump-fucking assholes. The commissioner is a megalomaniac. The rules are convoluted and get more complicated every year. The games take 5 and ½ hours to finish. Everything is wrong with the game. And every Sunday at 12:59pm, I’m like “INJECT THAT SHIT INTO MY VEINS!!” It’s the best. There’s nothing better.
Post-Toppa Draft #PowerRankings
Let’s highlight (and lowlight) some of the best and worst picks of Sunday’s draft.
12. TB12 Method (Last Week: 4)
Worst Pick: Your clock. Thanks for showing up on time buddy. I wouldn’t trust you to bring in my mail.
11. BigRigHewitt (Last Week: 12)
Worst Pick: There was a point where Timmy almost picked back-to-back quarterbacks in something like the 8th and 9th rounds. By he wisely stopped himself and pick Jason Witten instead.
10. The Handy (Last Week: 9)
Best Pick: Admitting that JD went back and read the Toppa Blogs of his Toppa Bowl wins. Stay #humble.
9. Duke Caboom (Last Week: 11)
Best Pick: Rob Gronkowski. With the write in! I mean, what if he comes back? Then Gronk in the 17th round is a steal!
8. Sympathy Weight (Last Week: 10)
Worst Pick: Tyler Boyd. I went 4 rounds in a row picking guys with first names that started with the letter “D” I liked my picks too. I thought I might be able to keep this thing going all night. But I pussed out and picked Tyler Boyd. I should’ve taken DJ Moore and seen how far I could’ve kept the gimmick going. Drew Brees or Dak Prescott would’ve been fine. I could’ve had Denver as my defense. I’m sure there’s some kicker named David or Derek. I couldn’t commit to the bit. Oh well, there’s always next year.
Best Pick: Kyler Murray. I picked him as my backup 100% out of spite. I saw JD didn’t have a QB and sniped him just because. The rush of adrenaline when I put him on the board and JD went, “Uuuugghhhh!” was amazing.
7. White Door Key (Last Week: 3)
Best Pick: Micho said something that I found so funny and wild, that I felt the need to write it down and then proceeded to keep it in my pocket all night so I didn’t forget it for the blog. What was so funny that I put in all this effort to remember? “I’ll write YOU in, right now!” This, I think, was some kind of threat. I dunno. Musta been awesome at the time.
Worst Pick: A tray filled with shots. God I hate shots. They’re never a good idea. The only time they’re a good idea, is when they’re a terrible idea.
6. James White Claws (Last Week: 7)
Best Pick: Like every song on the Toppa Draft playlist. When you hear Rush, Jurassic 5, and Big Tymers in the same night, you’re at one hell of a party.
Worst Pick: Not making the playlist long enough
5. For the Table (Last Week: 2)
Worst Pick: Accepting the proposal for date night the day after Toppa Draft. I get it. You’re a few beers in. You were feelin’ good. Maybe even feeling a little guilty when you get a text saying “Hope you’re having fun!” and there’s a cute picture of your kids. But everyone knows the strategy here is to do Date Night before Toppa Draft. “Hey Sweetie, I got you flowers! Completely out of the blue and no ulterior motives at all. Let’s go to that Italian spot you like so much. No, let’s not use the shared account. My treat!” Gotta build up enough of that good will, so that when you spend 14 hours away from the house and then come home drunk and knock everything over trying to turn off the lamp on your bedside table and then spend the whole next day pooping, you have just enough of that good will left that she looks at you and is like “God, leaving him would just be so inconvenient. I’ll stick around.”
4. Jonesing for Daniel (Last Week: 6)
Best Pick: Trifle again! I gotta get this recipe. This year had like butterscotch pieces or some shit. Goddammit it was delicious! It’s so chocolatey without being super rich or heavy.
Or flying all the way from San Diego to Rhode Island for a fantasy draft. Jesus. I thought it was rough when I had to travel from NYC.
3. Derby Wing Night (Last Week: 8)
Worst Pick: Having a birthday on Toppa Draft day. Thanks for tacking on 3 hours to an already 7 hour day.
Best Pick: Having a birthday on Toppa Draft day. Thanks for tacking on 3 hours to an already 7 hour day.
2. 5th Pick’s 4 Flint (Last Week: 1)
Best Pick: Any of the 17 alternate names he used for every pick. I wish I wrote them down. I think I heard him say Herchel Walker at one point.
Also: “Traded my fifth pick to Flint for a sick porno flick.”
1. The C.R.E.A.M. Team (Last Week: 5)
Worst Pick: Choosing a team name with capital letters and then periods between those letters. It’s not as bad as inserting emoji into a post, but it’s mad annoying to type.
Best Pick: Sitting front and center so he could throw shade grenades all night. Buckets and #Nick were like Statler and Waldorf, sitting in the back making fun of everything.
No, but for real. Here we go. Here we go, guys. Here. We. Go.
It’s football time. The Super Bowl champion Patriots do NOT open the season tonight against the Steelers because… I dunno. But that’s fine. Instead we get the Packers going to Chicago to take on the Bears (-3).
I’m sure they ended up going with the Bears and Packers because they’re two of the oldest teams in the league and the NFL is gonna blow itself all year for turning 100 (I can see a blog about this in my future). Did you know that the two oldest teams in the league are the Bears and the Cardinals? No way are they opening the season with that dogshitfest. Nope! And that’s okay. Turns out this is a really good game. I’m suped. Gimme the football. It’s a football smorgasbord this weekend. We get opening night tonight (followed by a shitty day of work). But don’t worry. Then we get football all day on Sunday, including the return of my man, Scott Hanson. Let him out of whatever trunk you’ve been keeping him in, RedZone channel! My man needs to cook. Then for dessert, we have a Monday Night Football doubleheader. That shit is almost as delicious as that trifle.
Tell your boss to fuck off. You’ve got to make your picks and set your lineups. It’s football time.