I’m gonna tell you a little story about my next door neighbor, let’s call him Scott Disik*. More specifically, I’m going to tell you about my next door neighbor and his girlfriend. It’s not as exciting as that Hooter’s waitress/stripper’s story on Twitter about her trip to Florida, but still I felt the need to write it down.
*I saw him leaving his apartment one day in a Sox hat and was like, “Nice, he might be cool!” Imagine being friends with your neighbors? That would be awesome. I don’t know about Newport, where you’re all having sex with your cousins so you actually know your neighbors, but in New York City, that shit never happens. Just keep your head down and unlock your door. Anyway, the fear is always there that if he’s from Boston, he’s a douchebag. And he is. Hence the alias.
A little background. My neighbor’s girlfriend, let’s call her Lindsay Lohan*, would come home late (like 1 or 2am) on weeknights, wasted** and ring my buzzer instead of my neighbor’s. I would end up ignoring it, 1) because I don’t know anyone who’d be ringing my door buzzer at that time of night and 2) my intercom and buzzer don’t work, so I wouldn’t be able to communicate with this stranger nor let them in, even if I wanted to. I’d then hear her buzz next door and he’d let her in. I once had the pleasure of seeing Lindsay on her way in. She had the common signs of a very drunk girl: slightly messy hair, unkempt makeup, stumbling up the stairs with a bag of takeout, thousand-yard stare, apologizing for just doing normal people things, like walking. It was like the personification of a #Nick snapchat.
The “accidental” buzzing happened enough to be annoying, but not enough to really complain about it.
Things escalated when I heard a bang on my door. I got up and looked out the peephole, to see this bitch drunkenly arguing with three HUGE black dudes, who I assumed (and hoped!) were locksmiths, about her keys. I had a hard time falling back asleep after that, because, again, 3 HUGE black dudes outside my door banging and unlocking doors. I spent a lot of that time thinking about how I would protect myself in the case of these people breaking in. What would I grab? What weapon would I subdue these attackers? Nothing. I have no weapons. My dog is nothing even remotely guard-doggish. I would just be beaten, tied up and forced to watch as they unloaded all my shit.
Things got really out of hand the weekend my mom came to visit, because of course that’s when it happened. My mom came to visit a little while back and was staying with me. After a long day of doing touristy shit, we went to bed. My mom got my bed, because I’m a gentleman, and I slept on the air mattress in the living room with Boom Boom. As we lay there, I heard Lindsay stumble home* and start banging on Scott’s door. She starts yelling about her keys and her cellphone. He let’s her in and the two of them start FIGHTING. Like batshit-crazy yelling. She then started yelling “LET ME GO! HELP! HELP! HELP ME!” Now, this was some boy-who-cried-wolf shit; I kind of feel like when someone yells “Help me” you should help them. Buuuuuuttt, when your neighbor’s crazy drunk of a girlfriend is the one yelling it, you think twice. Also, I’ve dated my fair share of crazy. That shit was totally “I’m going to yell ‘HELP ME’ so that he has to let go and in the off chance the police come or something, he gets in serious trouble for grabbing me”.
*I don’t know if they live together. She has keys but has to ring the buzzer every night?
After more of this bullshit and plenty of her walking back and forth in her heels, which since we share a wall, sounded just like she was walking back and forth IN MY APARTMENT, I guess she went to bed, or left, I don’t know nor did I care. To cope with his problems, Scott decided to stay up all night watching Sex and the City, at maximum volume. This is where I draw the line. What self-respecting person (Person. Not just man. Person) watches Sex and the City? That show fucking sucks.
The next morning, I overheard him on the phone saying the typical “I fucking hate you” and “pack your shit and leave” and “I never loved you” which I was pretty suped to hear. Maybe I’d be getting rid of Lindsay for good. But that night, at like midnight, she came over and they couldn’t help themselves and got into it again.
I’m pretty sure Lindsay Lohan has left my and Scott’s lives for good. But every once and a while, I hear heels walk back and forth (I heard them tonight!) and get scared that the Ghost of drunken Lindsay Lohan is back to haunt my life.
How’s that for a fucking Halloween horror story? Speaking of horror stories…
Dog Shit of the Week
LeGarette Blount. Put up negative points for Woody when matched up against his brother in a battle to see who Momma Wood loves more. Woody ended up losing by less than 3 points. Blount’s been ridiculous this year, scoring 0.4, 27, 7.4, 22, and -0.3 points. That’s terrible.
Runner Up: Jimmy Graham. Jimmy coulda helped Woody out here too. Blount gets the edge because he was in negative figures, but Jimmy only put up 3.10 this week. Maybe you coulda played him in your flex and you would’ve gotten more points. Jimmy’s been ridiculously erratic too. He’s scored 11, 1, 14, 2, 3, 22, and 3.
In honor of Halloween, I’m adding a “sexy” Halloween costume to everyone’s ranking.
“What is the color?” Dress Costume
Uuuggghhh! Nothing like an infuriating Pop Culture reference from LAST YEAR to get me riled up. I can picture myself slowly giving less and less fucks talking to the person wearing this outfit:
“It’s funny, right?”
“Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Where’s the beer?”
Timmy’s team is awful. He hasn’t won in 6 weeks. He’s dead last in total points for by 70 points. He’s averaging less than 120 points per match-up. He needs to win out to even be considered for the playoffs.
Miss Cheshire Costume
Those colors! So gross. There’s way too much neon pink happening here. Sorry, it’s not sexy when you give the person you’re talking to an epileptic seizure. And what the fuck is up with those boots?!
JeffWho’s team is not much better. Though, he’s been much unluckier with the second most points scored against and two loses by less than 10. He’s also only 9th in total points and his other losses are by more than 30 points, including one by almost 80. JeffWho would also have to win out to have the possibility to make the playoffs. That probably won’t happen with his final 3 games against Woody, Vegas, and Micho.
10. It Ertz When Eifert
Sexy Straight Jacket Costume
Fellas, ever wonder if that girl your hitting on is crazy? Well, now you’ll know! “Oh this? I just found this laying around my house. So, where do you live? Is there a doorman?”
We now have the officially worst score of the year. How do you even score 80 points? All 7 of JBiggs’ position players (3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE & Flex) combined for less than 22 points. That’s barely 3 points per player. Brandon Marshall was the highest scoring non-Defense or non-QB with 6.7 points.
I feel like this should warrant an extra fine. Maybe next year, it’s $5 for not breaking 100 points and an extra $5 for being the lowest score of the year.
9. Big D Brady
Cozy Orange Fish Costume
“I took the skin off of that beloved cartoon character from your childhood and I’m wearing it. Isn’t that SEXY?” No! That’s some psychopath shit. You killed Nemo!
Momma Wood loves PWood so much more this year. Not only did he beat the commish but he moved out! He’s definitely the favorite in the Wood Family Power Rankings. In honor of Back To The Future Day, let’s bring back an old favorite:
Donna T. Rumpshaker
I have a feeling there are going to be SOOO many Donald Trumps out there this weekend. Do me a favor, if you see someone dressed as Donald Trump this Halloween, punch them in the nuts. Be like, “Oh I thought you were really him!” And if you see a girl dressed like this, punch her in the tit. And if any of you are going as Donald Trump this Halloween, look yourself in the mirror, straighten out your terrible wig, put on your stupid red hat, button up your fucking blue blazer and then punch yourself squarely in the nuts.
That’s more like it, Buckets! Blow Out of the Week sponsored by this stupid fucking costume.
Cozy Goldfish Costume
Nothing turns me on like a giant fish head. Sometimes I order it when I’m out on a date. I find it to be a huge aphrodisiac. I make Boom Boom use it like a puppet. Yeah, talk dirty to me fishy. You know what I like.
The free fall continues. The wheels have officially come off. In the last 3 weeks, I’ve lost by less than 7, less than 2, and less than 100. I also left 63 points on my bench this week. Fuck me with a fish head costume on.
Sexy Chinese Takeout Costume
Mmmm… yeah baby, you make me feel so greasy and bloated. I can’t wait to take a huge shit later. Be sure to “speak wiff a rearry, rearry acculate accent.”
There was nothing more fun than watching Carson Palmer on MNF having to make up 15 points for me to beat #Nick, only to have him then throw it to Michael Floyd for a TD and Catzanaro kick an extra point after each TD.
Saying #Nick is the unluckiest team in the league is an understatement. Not only is he last in points against, he has now lost two stud running backs to season ending injuries and his starting QB to a 4+ week injury.
5. deMARYius WOODhead
Sexy Pizza Costume
You know what’s sexy?? Actual pizza. You should wear that shit. A chick wearing some piping hot pizza just aaaallll over her would really get me going.
Even though Woody lost the battle for Momma Wood’s Love, he’s still 4-3. But a loss is what you get for starting Blake Bortles.
Native American Royalty Costume
It’s okay because it’s “Native American” Royalty right? Nope! Sorry, wearing a “sexy” dress with fringe and a feather on your forehead doesn’t make you an Indian. It makes you racist.
Wanna know what’s even better? The hyperlink calls it “Reservation Royalty.” Nice.
JD did what you’re supposed to do. You’re supposed to go out there on game day and beat JeffWho. His team is terribly unexciting, but it’s pretty good, just like JD.
3. Ladies and Edelman
Scottish Kilt Men’s Costume
You’re goddamn right I went there. I often find it funniest to take a look down, see the line, then take one healthy step over it. This dude is hot, anyway. I only joke because I love.
No malasadas for you Micho. No chourico. No fava beans. No bingo. You are not the biggest portagee, goodbye.
2. JPP’s Finger Bang
Rainbow Dash Costume
So it’s not sexy, like at all. But you know what’s sexy? Being comfy as fuck! This shit looks like a sweatsuit fucked a onesie. Then a rainbow threw up all over it.
Call Brendo “butter” cuz he’s on a roll! #ripstuscott Brendo has won his last 5 straight. He’s like the anti-Timmy. Which is fitting since they played this weekend and Brendo whooped him. But it was nice to see the two acted like gentleman and were very civil sitting next to each other at Woody’s house. Maybe it was for the baby.
Female Storm Trooper Costume
Yeah, so this shit is hot. No lie. I’m extremely turned on by this costume. Sexy stormtrooper, you win.
Another week, another Victory for Vegas. This week’s Blowout of the Week is sponsored by Cheetos. I don’t think Austin can be stopped. He’s pretty much unbeatable at this point. We should just give him the belt now. Why even play the rest of the season? He’s clearly going to just keep winning ever matchup and then cruise to the championship. We’re all just playing for second place at this point.
Be sure to set your lineups, The Patriots (-) play the Dolphins tonight in a freaking yuge game. There’s also another London game at 9:30 on Sunday. Be sure to start your Lions and Chiefs. Thankfully, this one’s on regular TV. I gotta say it was interesting going into bars after the bridge run and not seeing that the game was on TV. Then watching the bartender struggle to try and find it, not realizing it was only online.
Happy Halloween. Keep it sexy.