Well, it’s November and that means it’s Thanksgiving time. If Halloween gets all of October and Christmas gets all of December, I’m gonna celebrate Thanksgiving all month. Pumpkin beers and turkey sandwiches every day! I don’t need to tell you again, but I’m going to, Thanksgiving is the fucking best. There’s no better holiday as you get older. There are no responsibilities besides eat, maybe cook and get drunk. Those are my favorite responsibilities.
This month, we here at ToppaLeague.com are on a quest to find what is the best Thanksgiving foodstuffs of them all. And we’re enlisting your help! Let us know what food you think be named Giant of Giving Thanks. Vote to decide what food is the Titan of Turkey Day.
Just a heads up: Stuffing is going to win. This is all academic at this point. Every other foodstuff is playing for second place.
Also, I just stole this bracket and have nothing to do with the choices or seeding.
Let’s go to the votes!
The Ron Swanson Division
(1) White Turkey Meat [100%] over (8) Roast Beef [0%]
Landslide victory by the biggest name in the tournament. Who the hell is having roast beef for Thanksgiving?! Not the Pilgrims and Indians, that’s for sure! I’m pretty sure if they had cows, they’d not be in the near-death predicament they were in.
Hot Take Alert! White Turkey Meat kinda sucks. It’s dry. How the fuck is White Turkey Meat number one over Dark Meat?! Come on! Like you’re gonna take a slab of dry white meat over a turkey leg. I mean, dark meat wins for sheer mobility alone. You can carry it around. Take a look at the end of the meal this Thanksgiving, there will be much more left over white meat than dark meat. White Turkey Meat is the Duke of this tournament.
(5) Prime Rib [65%] over (4) Ham [35%]
Hang on. Two-thirds of you voted for beef over ham? Get out! There’s no way Prime Rib is better than Ham. Ham might even be better than Turkey. Pig is fucking delicious. It’s the best animal to eat!
This race was tied 5 to 5 at around 3pm Wednesday, but Prime RIb made a late surge at the end. What a catastrophe. I feel like a white girl who can’t even.
Fuck this. OVERRULED! Ham wins!
(3) Deep Fried Turkey [100%] over (6) Tofurkey [0%]
Mmmmm looks just like… real meat? Fuck Tofurkey. If you’re not gonna eat meat, you don’t get to pretend you’re gonna eat meat. That’s like wearing a toupee. If you’re a vegetarian, you already have your ivory tower to sit in. You don’t get to look down on me for eating meat, while eating something that is meant to look and taste like meat. Fuck yourself with your warm seitan loaf.
This was a cake walk for Deep Fried Turkey. Nothing would lose to Tofurkey, not even Turd Sandwich. One year, we deep fried a turkey and I gotta say, it was nothing special. People go nuts for it, but I think I prefer regular Turkey in the oven. Sure, it is cool to stand around outside with a delicious beer and watch someone submerge a turkey into 5 gallons of boiling hot oil. But it’s also petrifying.
(2) Dark Meat Turkey [59%] over (7) Turducken [41%]
In an epic first round match-up Dark Meat Turkey squeaked by Turducken 10-7. Turducken didn’t get a fair shake here. There’s no way it should be a 7 seed. I would definitely seed it higher than Tofurkey and probably Prime Rib too (but apparently not you clowns!). I’ve also never had a turducken. It sounds delicious! Who wouldn’t love a chicken stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey? So many delicious poultry fat juices dripping all inside itself. But who has the time! I can’t buy, debone and stuff all those birds into those other birds. I’m just waiting to get an invitation to someone else’s turducken party. This is the same person who’s going to invite me to their clam bake and their pig roast.
I think Turducken’s popularity, or lack there of, was it’s ultimate downfall. Also, Dark Meat Turkey is fucking slammin’.
The Prince Division
(1) Green Bean Casserole [65%] over (8) Peas & Pearl Onions [35%]
Green Beans suck. They’re awful. It’s amazing that they can actually taste exactly like they look, like tiny green dicks. The only way to make them taste good is to cover them in cream of mushroom soup and those weird French’s things. I’m sorry fried onions do not come in a can. Whatever those things are, there are no onions involved.
I actually kinda like Pearl Onions. But, it’s this weird thing where I only like them on Thanksgiving. I also think it’s because they’re covered in tons of cream and don’t actually taste like onions. Probably huh? I looked up what Peas & Pearl Onions was, and it looks terrible. Every recipe calls for like 2 sticks of butter. So, this match-up is what dish takes a vegetable and makes it taste the least like a vegetable. And the answer is Green Bean Casserole! Your grandmother would be to be proud.
(5) Glazed Carrots [65%] over (4) Squash [35%]
Why is squash in the Vegetables Division but Yams and Sweet Potatoes are in the Sides Division? Maybe it’s because squash isn’t covered in marshmallows or candied? Unlike Glazed Carrots, of course, which are super healthy. God, put brown sugar and melted butter on anything and I’ll eat it. ANYTHING.
(3) Brussel Sprouts [65%] over (6) Creamed Spinach [35%]
Who has Creamed Spinach at Thanksgiving? Where do you have your Thanksgiving dinner, Applebee’s? Do you have Turkey Fajita Egg Rolls afterwards?
Brussel Sprouts are another vegetable that I don’t eat regularly, but really enjoy on Thanksgiving. Well, I also love them when they’re grilled up with some bacon. That shit is great, because again, bacon and all other pork-based products are fucking delicious.
(2) Corn [82%] over (7) Tossed Salad [18%]
Look, who doesn’t love a tossed salad. Some people may even love to have their salad tossed:
Salad is versatile. I’m sure you could make a deliciously festive, fall salad with pecans and cranberries and some leafy greens. Sounds wonderful. But I’m pretty sure corn was at the first Thanksgiving, so it needs to win here. Unless of course they were talking about corn-not-on-the-cob. If that was the case, that shit can get the fuck out of here.
The George Costanza Division
(1) Stuffing [100%] over (8) Cranberry Jelly [0%]
Before I go into how much I love Stuffing, I’ll shit on Cranberry Jelly a bit here. Cranberry Jelly is basically not-as-sweet, not-good Jell-O. It kinda sucks. It’s the Sam Bradford of Thanksgiving. It’s going to do it’s job and provide you with enough sweetness to cut the other flavors on your plate, but it’s really going to underwhelm you along the way. I don’t trust anything that when it comes out of a can, it continues looking exactly like the can.
Stuffing on the other hand. Stuffing is fucking amazing. Every bite is like little, tiny angels having sex in my mouth. This isn’t even hyperbole here, my mom makes the best fucking stuffing in the world. It’ll make you jizz in your pants on your first bite. For real. I brought Boom Boom to my Thanksgiving for the first time last year, and she jizzed her pants when she had my mom’s stuffing. Any other time, I would’ve thought that was weird, but on that day? On that day, it made sense.
(5) Gravy [65%] over (4) Rolls [35%]
This may have been the match-up of the tournament. I think in the end, I agree with this. I love me some rolls. Especially those Pillsbury crescent rolls. Oh man, those things are so good. I can’t be trusted to bring those to the table. I’d shove like 6 of ’em in my mouth before I get there.
But, I think the best way to make tough decisions in this bracket is to ask yourself which dish would you be more upset about if it wasn’t on the table. So if there were no crescent rolls on the table, I’d be a bit sad, but I’d just cover that sadness in mashed potatoes. But if there was no gravy at Thanksgiving? It’d be like the 7 stages of grief at the table.
Disbelief: “Wait! What do you mean there’s no gravy?!?”
Denial: “That can’t be true. Someone just forgot it in the kitchen.”
Bargaining: “I’ll give you all my yams for a spoonful of gravy.”
Guilt: “I can’t believe you didn’t make any gravy. This is my fault. I should’ve brought gravy.”
Anger: “This food tastes like shit! I need gravy!”
Depression: “I can’t even eat this food. I’m just so sad there’s no gravy.”
Acceptance: “Let’s all accept the fact that there should’ve been gravy and agree to never come to this house ever again for Thanksgiving.”
(3) Sweet Potato Casserole [59%] over (6) Cranberry Sauce [41%]
Man the sides division had some of the closest match-ups, which I guess makes sense. Everyone has their favorite side. That’s part of what makes Thanksgiving so great, there’s something for everyone to enjoy. Everyone can have something they love the most. Except that Ham is better than Prime Rib.
I was thinking upset here, but I guess people really enjoy marshmallows in their food. I love me some sweet potato, but I love the way cranberry sauce cuts the savoriness of everything else on your plate. For me, it’s a staple and I’d be pretty sad if it wasn’t at the table. But this one isn’t as much of a blasphemy as the Prime Rib debacle, so Sweet Potato Casserole it is.
(2) Mashed Potatoes [77%] over (7) Candied Yams [23%]
Who the hell voted for Candied Yams?! It’s not that I have anything against Candied Yams. Besides the fact that I can’t tell the difference between Yams and Sweet Potatoes (and neither can my local supermarket*) but we sure as hell have to have both on the table. AND squash, which I know is different, but not THAT much different.
*Seriously, the sign will say “sweet potatoes” one week and “yams” the next and it’s the same bin, with the same fucking tubers.
No, it’s not that. It’s how can you vote against mashed potatoes? It’s un-American. I’m pretty sure at the first Thanksgiving the indians made a shit-ton of food for the pilgrims, but one pilgrim brought over a pot and said “Here, I pulled this out of the ground, boiled the shit out of it and then smashed it.” The indian then put his finger in it, tasted it and went “Mmmmm. HOOOWWW…. have we not been eating this? It’s delicious!”
The Paula Deen Division
(1) Pumpkin Pie [65%] over (8) Ice Cream [35%]
Another “Why can’t I have both?” match-up. But Pumpkin Pie is a staple. You can’t have Thanksgiving without it. You could say it’s hard to have Pumpkin Pie without Ice Cream, and I’d be right there with you. I’d then ask you, on Thanksgiving night, when you’re watching the second half of a shitty Panthers-Cowboys game, would you rather be eating pie or a bowl of ice cream? Any other night, I think I might lean towards ice cream, but on Thanksgiving, you gotta go pie.
(4) Sweet Potato Pie [77%] over (5) Cherry Pie [23%]
Yeah, get the fuck out of here Cherry Pie. No one invited you. It’s not 4th of July. Get your shit together. In fact, go get Blueberry Pie and bring them over here instead.
(3) Apple Pie [88%] over (6) Cool Whip [12%]
I can’t believe this isn’t 100%. Are people really that crazy for fake whip cream that they’d rather have it than delicious Apple Pie? Maybe there are 2 people who just hate Apple Pie so much that they’ll vote for anything instead. If that’s the case, it makes you wonder, who are these monsters?
(2) Pecan Pie [53%] over (7) Whipped Cream [47%]
This match-up was much closer than I expected. In the final hour, two votes came in for Pecan Pie to put it over the edge, in what was the right result in the end. I just think there’s many of you who haven’t had Pecan Pie. That’s the only explanation I can think of. I understand. Hailing from the northeast, it’s hard to get a good Pecan Pie. But when you get that slice of gloriousness, your life has changed for the better. That shit is off the chain.
And really? Whipped Cream? I thought I was the WASPy one. Can you get anymore white bread and boring?
Next week: The Savory Sixteen!
Dog Shit of the Week
Matthew Stafford. I think we can officially say he sucks. He’s now 3 years removed from having back to back (basically) 5000 yard seasons. Every year since, his yardage totals have declined and hasn’t managed to score 30 TDs. He’s on pace for barely 4000 yards this season, 26 TDs and 22 Interceptions. The guy’s a bum. When A.A.Ron put up 6 points for Woody, Stafford only managed 13 and handed JBiggs his 5th loss. Also, you’re 27 and the quarterback of a professional football team, act like a grown-ass man and turn your hat around.
Runner up: Speaking of A.A.Ron Rodgers. 77 yards passing? I thought A.A.Ron was supposed to be, like, the best QB in the league? That’s what Cris Collinsworth keeps telling me. In fact, two weeks ago, Tom Brady threw a TD pass, and Collinsworth told me that Brady looked like Aaron Rodgers on that throw. “Best QB in the League” doesn’t throw for only 70 yards. In full games played, Tommy hasn’t thrown for under 100 yards once in the last 7 years. The result of A.A.Ron’s terrible game was Woody won, of course, because he’s rigged this whole league for himself, and anyone who played a Green Bay receiver lost: Me (Randall Cobb, 3.7 points), Buckets (Devonte Adams, 0.80), JBiggs (James Jones, -0.8 points). Loss, loss, loss.
12. FireUpThatKush (Last Week 12)
Another bad week for Timmy. His team didn’t do too bad individually except for the goose egg from Anquan Boldin and just 3 points from Ftizmagic. I didn’t see a ton of football on Sunday because I was too busy smashing my face into my desk because I was working on a fucking Sunday, but I remember looking over and seeing Geno Smith in that game and instead of being confused and wondering what happened, I just chuckled and said to myself, “Oh, Jets. That’s such a Jets thing to do.”
11. J.B.HaHaClintonDix (Last Week 8)
From blowing someone out last week to getting blown this week. Only 3 of Buckets’ players scored in double digits; his QB, his Defense and his kicker. Every other player averaged only 5 points. Blowout of the Week is sponsored by this guy in Brooklyn (Park Slope!!) selling $2000 worth of sex toys for $1000. Only in bulk though. You have to buy all of the small vibrators, male masturbaters and card/dice games that this guy has. The odds are they’re not used, but with Craigslist, there’s always a chance that the packages are open. Way to keep it it not-sketchy, Craigslist.
10. ScottHansonsFluffer (Last Week 7)
Fuck! Fuck my team. Fuck this league. Super fuck JeffWho. Fuck Derek Carr and his stupid fucking eyeliner. Fuck Timmy, because he’s going to beat me next week with Geno Fucking Smith (or Johnny Fucking Football, which makes me feel just as shitty.) According to Yahoo’s stupid generated recap, in three of my four losses, apparently, my opponents have scored better than they’re weekly average. Fuck this sucks. I don’t even know what I’m gonna do when I fucking lose next week.
9. SheMyWendyPeffercorn (Last Week 11)
Good job by you Jeffery. Solid win. You’re still in 11th place with 2 wins.
8. It Ertz When Eifert (Last Week 10)
Lost because Demarius Thomas and Brandon Marshall are not as good as Michael Crabtree and Alshon Jeffery. Wait, really? Oh and Matt Stafford sucks.
7. Big D Brady (Last Week 9)
Big D Brady? More like Big D PWoody! Yeeeuuuuge win over Micho this week. PWood’s team has a little pep in its step, just in time for Island Bowl? Gormley Bowl? I dunno, some football game that I wish I could go to, but am kinda happy I live 180 miles away from because I would most definitely get hurt at.
6. #BroNationEjaQlation (Last Week 6)
I literally don’t know how #nick won. All his best players are dead. DEAD. It probably helped that he played Timmy, but still. Willie Snead?! This is the part of Fantasy Football that I hate. Willie Fucking Snead and Stefon Goddamn Diggs are going to somehow swing the whole league.
5. deMARYius WOODhead (Last Week 5)
Woody somehow won despite getting less than 6 points from his Quarterback, 6.50 combined points from his 2 defensive players and Steve Smith getting knocked out for the rest of the season. You all don’t believe me when I say that Woody has this thing rigged, but he does. 6 points from his quarterback?!! Mine scored 35 and I lost by 40.
4. OBJYN (Last Week 4)
High Score of the Week presented by Pillsbury Crescent Rolls. You’re damn right.
62.5 points from Eli Manning! Sixty fucking two! Eli alone outscored Buckets’ 3 WR, 2 RB, TE, Flex, D and Kicker. Combined! Goddammit. If JD sneaks his way into the Toppa Bowl again this year, I’m gonna be pissed.
3. Ladies and Edelman (Last Week 3)
Two losses in a row. Watch out big guy. One more loss and you could be heading down that same horrible spiral I’m in right now. Luckily, JBiggs comes to town this week, but don’t take it lightly. I’m in a dark place man, you don’t want to be here.
2. CrisCartersFallGuys (Last Week 1)
Reverse jinx successful. If only it worked for my own team.
1. JPP’s Finger Bang (Last Week 2)
There’s a new man on top! That’s six W’s in a row for Brendo. I would think with a win this week, he’ll clinch a playoff berth. But that’s some math shit that I don’t know how to figure out.
Set your lineups. This week the Browns play the Bengals (-11). Don’t watch this game. This game is going to suck. Why don’t you go have yourself a nice Prime Rib roast instead?