It was my first weekend in a while where I didn’t have plans to go anywhere or do anything. It was nice. I got to just relax. So, I took this opportunity to watch about 50 hours of sports, in my underwear, with a beer, as God fucking intended. My weekend included Premier League Soccer, World Cup Rugby quarterfinals, MLB playoffs, college football and the NFL #bigearssucks. Here are some highlights:

 “They did that,” Edelman said. “You know, Colts.”

When you practice a play for a year to have “the whole offensive line” penalized for not lining up on the line of scrimmage and have a safety scream for the wide receiver lined up over the ball not to snap it, only to have him snap it and immediately get crushed by 3 guys, you clearly would have no regrets right? Right.

 After watching a ton of English sports on Saturday morning (double barrel EPL and Rugby World Cup) the one thing I think they do decidedly better than us is commentate. Look at the prose coming from Arlo White’s mouth:

“The steel grey skies cut by the bright white lights here at Vicarage Road. The seasons beginning to change here. The temperature begins to get a bit cooler* and the days begin to get a little bit darker as we move into winter in the Premier League.”

*They never say “hot” and “cold” in England. If it’s 90 degrees, it’s still just “warm.”

That shit makes you want to grab a sweater and a fleece blanket, and watch every fucking Premier League game sitting by a fire. The most we get in America is Al Michaels saying something like “A cool night in Foxborough, as we look at downtown Boston.” Snooze. Fest.

British commentators are also really good at building up tension. I think it’s because the games don’t stop every 15 seconds and never go to commercial. The commentators have to talk for 90 minutes straight so they get into more of a rhythm. They’re not afraid to say nothing for periods of time when it’s just some guy just passing to another guy in the back line. Then when something exciting happens, they can then get really excited (well, as excited as British people get). The result is you feeling like something big is about to happen, even when it results in some guy having a good look and then just roofs it 40 yards over the goal.

 The rugby refs wear mics so they can talk to the other refs and the guys in the replay booths. I’ve noticed the NFL refs are finally wearing these headsets, but I don’t know how much they use them. I haven’t noticed them communicating any differently. Same stupid huddles over calls. Same watching a replay in that stupid covered photo booth. But, not only does the rugby ref have this mic to communicate with the other refs, his mic also goes through to the broadcast, so you can here everything he says. It’s awesome. You hear him give warnings to the players and make calls as they happen. PLUS you can hear it when he talks to the replay booth. Why don’t we do this with the NFL? I’d much rather listen to the officials talk it over than hear Phil Sims talk about how it looks like a catch when the ball hits the ground.

I mean, they ask Mike Pereira or that black guy with zero personality on CBS for an official opinion on the rules. Why not listen in on the guy actually making the ruling?

AND they wear cameras! Every once and while they cut to the refs point of view and you see what they’re seeing. You see him talking to some huge oaf with no neck and cauliflower ear, telling him not to step on that other dude’s neck. But it’s from his perspective. It’s like you’re there. It’s awesome!

I’m not saying rugby is better than football. I love football. I have English cousins who understand why football is fucking great. But why not take the things that other countries are doing well and make it ours? It’s the American way! We invented the Yellow Line, goddamn it!

 Joe Buck is literally the most boring announcer ever. I know I’m not breaking any ground here, but it never ceases to amaze me. On a 111-MPH line drive that the Royals shortstop Escobar dove and caught, Buck said “That ball is caught.” He’s like the guy from Major League:

No here, look:

This guy is the number one play-by-play guy for FOX, doing the World Series and Super Bowl. He’s got to be making MILLIONS every year. Why?!?!

But don’t worry, they surrounded him with mediocrity too:

Verducci: Usually when I guy hasn’t been in the stretch for a while in the game, it usually takes him some time to get used to it. But with David Price and the way his wind up is so similar to the stretch, I don’t think that’s the case.
Reynolds: It’s that modified wind-up that’s like the stretch.
Verducci: Yeah, that modified stretch.

So does he modify the stretch? Is that what he’s doing?

 During the Falcons-Saints game Jim Nance and Phil Sims had this exchange:

Nance: Coming up is the halftime show. Phil, what have we seen in this half?
Sims: ….. Well, everything.

Thanks Phil! Good analysis.

Then, in the Chargers-Packers game, during a highlight of a huge play, Sims goes “Watch the free safety here… well I missed him.” He circled nothing! Just a patch of grass. Then drew some arrows. There was never a free safety on the screen. I’m not saying I was ever a fan of Phil Sims, but he is especially terrible this year. Did he have a stroke and no one noticed because of his stupid hick accent?

CBS then played Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It when San Diego scored. I’m just gonna leave that there.

 Dan Fouts may have been my favorite this weekend, though. He didn’t care if you thought Peyton Manning has lost it. He was out there too defend him:

Fouts: This doesn’t look like an offense he’s comfortable with.

Right! That’s the reason he looks like he’s throwing to this guy:

Dan Fouts spent the whole game blowing Peyton like he was the Peyton Manning from 2006. He threw one good pass and Emmanuel Sanders ran it another 30 yards for a touchdown, and Fouts went off saying something like, “All the Peyton Manning doubters should watch this play!”

At the end of the game, Fouts then got all excited when the Broncos had the ball with a minute left in a tie game, and said it was “Peyton Manning time,” and that “no one is better at going down the field with the game on the line than him.” Manning then threw 3 straight incompletions.

 Mike Vick took a knee to the head during a play. Ed Hochuli took one look in his eyes, and sent him off the field to be evaluated for a concussion. Troy Aikman then said most of the strides the NFL have been forward. He then goes “Have they gone maybe a bit too far? Probably.” Really?! No one has had their brains scrambled more than Troy Aikman, except maybe Steve Young and Wes Welker. If anyone should be like “You know what, I think it’s good that they’re being extra protective of the players’ brains, because I don’t have mine anymore,” it should be him.

Turns out it was just dirt in Vick’s his eye.

 This was said about the Buffalo Bills: “They have no zest nor zeal to stop the run and the pass!” I thought that was fun.

 Did you know Josh and Luke McCown have a brother Randy? And he’s running the family pallet business, M&H crates? That’s amazing. And incredibly fitting. I can see all three of them working there in 5 years, overseeing the building and delivering of pallets.

 I’m pretty sure I heard a guy say Golden Tate was “Hand savvy.”

 Green Bay’s throwback uniforms are hideous, but I think they’re kind of dope. Maybe it’s that navy blue and yellow combination and that their hats say “ACME Packers.” Boom Boom pointed out that the unis are bad because “you can see everyone’s swamp ass.” And there goes that.

Dog Shit of the Week

Rashad Jennings. The scene: I spent the better part of Sunday night getting Brady’d by Brendo. He definitely left me raw and stretched out, but cuddled with me afterwards until the early morning. After a long night, I found myself only down by less than 7 with Rashad Jennings left to play on Monday night. Rashad was predicted to score 7.07 points. Things were looking good. It was gonna be close, but I thought I could squeeze this one out. Well Jennings ended the night with 13 carries for 63 yards and caught 3 balls for 20 more yards, enough to get me 8.3 points for the win. Except Jennings lost a fumble in the second quarter, which brought his total to 5.3 points. Meaning I lost to Brendo by 1.55 motherfucking, goddamn, measly points. ONE POINT FUCKING FIVE POINTS.

Runners Up: The Giants are bad. Their coach is 145 years old. Do you think he forgets the players’ names sometimes? The Giants probably suck so bad because they have to end practice at 3:45pm so Tom Coughlin can go have dinner and then watch NCIS: New Orleans. The had 12 penalties on Monday night. Bad teams do that. The Patriots, who are a good team, had 2 on Sunday.

#PowerRankings

12. SheMyWendyPeffercorn (Last Week 8)

You know how there are regulars in a bar and if you try to sit in their regular seat, the bartender will be like “No, no, no, no, that’s Sully’s seat” ? I kinda feel like that’s what last place in the #PowerRanks has become for JeffWho.

11. FireUpThatKush (Last Week 11)

Timmy lost to Micho thanks to Antonio Brown not having a quarterback capable of throwing him the ball and Bobby Wagner not playing. Welp, he now owes us all beers. And wings? I wasn’t clear on that, and the group text is too long to scroll through.

10. Big D Brady (Last Week 9)

PWood lost to Buckets this week, which is tough to take. It’s not the same as last year where everyone lost to Buckets. This year, Timmy’s the only other team that has lost to Buckets. But PWood, you got a puppy this week, and Griffey clearly wins the #PuppyPowerRanks this week:

So cute! You know once I got called a fag for saying puppies were cute? What other fucking word can you call puppies? The word “cute” was fucking invented for babies and puppies. That dude probably ended up being a YouTube commenter.

9. OBJYN (Last Week 5)

JD’s record of 3-3 puts him in 6th, but the #PowerRankings know better than that. 119 points drops you down much lower than that.

8. J.B.HaHaClintonDix (Last Week 12)

Big win this week. Buckets rode his Miami Dolphins to victory. Jarvis Landry, Lemar Miller and the Dolphins D combined for 70.4 points. It’s almost like Raleigh fired his team’s coach too. Also, DeMarco Murray looked very DeMarco-ish this weekend.

7. #BroNationEjaQlation (Last Week 10)

High score of the Week sponsored by Ring Dings and Blowout of the Week presented by Trustex cola flavored condoms, for when you have a “simultaneous hankering for some soda and some sex”. Now that Arian Foster is back, DeAndre Hopkins having a historic year and Megatron maybe becoming Megatron again, #Nick’s team is looking a bit dangerous. Here’s hoping Brian Hoyer remembers he’s Brian Hoyer this week.

6. It Ertz When Eifert (Last Week 7)

I guess Mom loves JBiggs more. Does someone have a couch for JD to sleep on?

5. ScottHansonsFluffer (Last Week 4)

So it begins. All hope of my season going well are beginning to get flushed down the toilet one week at a time. It’s like one of those shits where all the pieces never quite seem to go down at the same time. It takes like three or four flushes to get them all down, so that you’re not the gross guy at work who leaves shits in the toilet. That’s what happens when you get a little taste of Hollywood, it all starts to slip away. 2 losses in a row. I’m probably gonna lose to fucking #Nick this week. He’s probably going to send out a snapchat while Megatron catches his third 40 yard bomb with his drunk-ass face and something queer like “Yaaaaaayyy!” Ugh, fucking 9th place here I come.

4. deMARYius WOODhead (Last Week 6)

All of a sudden our commissioner is looking pretty strong. The fix is in!

And this motherfucker had the AUDACITY to text me and was like “Hey man, Drag Queen Vereen should get Dog Shit of the Week, because I could’ve had the most points ever and he didn’t play well, so I only beat Austin by 30 points. But if he scored 2 more points I could’ve made 50 bucks. Doesn’t that suck?!” Yeah man. That’s the worst. He sucks. That’s too bad. Waaaaaaaaahhhh.

3. JPP’s Finger Bang (Last Week 3)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good job Brendo, 4 wins in a row. Keep it up. All the best and shit. I don’t want to talk about it.

2. Ladies and Edelman (Last Week 2)

I thought about giving Micho the top spot here, but even though he won and Austin lost, he failed to score more than Austin did. So second place it is. Plus, Micho texted me for roster advice. Yeah I blew up your spot. I got fucked by 1.5 points! No one is safe.

1. CrisCartersFallGuys (Last Week 1)

I still gotta give it to Austin here. I really wanted to dethrone him after he received his first loss. But he’s still in first place and has scored over a thousand points this season. He’s averaging 174 points per matchup. This week is a huge matchup as he takes on Micho in the battle for not just first place, but to see who is the biggest portagee of them all.

Don’t forget to set your lineups, Seattle plays at San Francisco (+6.5) tonight. There’s also an early Sunday game in London. Jags play the Bills. Nothing like getting England hooked on American football like sending them our shittiest of shitty teams. That game is apparently only streaming on Yahoo, so be sure to bring your laptop to the bar. Also make your Survivor picks, if you’re still alive. If you’re still alive, I hate you.

I’ll see you all in Newport this weekend. Timmy, you owe me a beer!