Power Rankings

Pre Toppa Draft VI Power Rankings


So I didn’t set my team avatar in time. We all make mistakes. Woody wore black basketball socks with a khaki suit on his fucking wedding day. Mistake. #Nick decided to take a piss in the middle of the street in front of a cop. Mistake. Austin moved to Vegas. Mistake. Woody, Raleigh and JD decided to have kids. Mistake, mistake, mistake. See? Everyone makes ’em. I just happened to be in charge of telling everyone to set their team avatars, then forgot to do it.

But before I go asking for forgiveness, I’ll remind you, remember the time I asked you all to give me submissions for Dog Shit of the Year last year? When I was gonna write some stuff, then add all your shit-talk about players you hated that year. It was gonna be great. Well, do you remember how I received RADIO FUCKING SILENCE from you guys? Yeah, well I wrote that post anyway. So on Toppa Draft Eve Eve I’ll give you a chance to reminisce about last year’s pieces of shit. But remember as you prepare for this year’s draft with all your prepping and reading magazines and websites and mock drafting and podcast listening and animal sacrifices, just keep in mind it’ll all go down the toilet. There’s a very good chance that sleeper you grab in the 9th round will not pan out for you. There’s also a really, REALLY good chance that guy you took in the first round to be your team’s stud, your team’s workhorse, your team’s SOUL, will suck. Just look:

Top 10 Scoring RBs from Week 16:

  1. Tim Hightower (Undrafted)
  2. DeAngelo Williams (13th Round, dropped before Week 1)
  3. Adrian Peterson (1st overall pick)
  4. Jerick McKinnon (19th Round, dropped before Week 1)
  5. Frank Gore (3rd Round)
  6. Charles Sims (11th Round, dropped Week 2)
  7. Mike Gillislee (Undrafted and I have no idea who he is)
  8. David Johnson (13th Round, dropped Week 8)
  9. Latavius Murray (4th Round)
  10. Javorius Allen (Undrafted)

50% were either undrafted or drafted and dropped before Week 1. But wait there’s more:

Top 10 Scoring RBs Overall

  1. Adrian Peterson (1st Overall Pick)
  2. Devonta Freeman (8th Round)
  3. Doug Martin (8th Round)
  4. Todd Gurley (4th Round)
  5. DeAngelo Williams (13th Round)
  6. Lamar Miller (2nd Round)
  7. Darren McFadden (10th Round)
  8. David Johnson (13th Round)
  9. Chris Ivory (8th Round)
  10. Matt Forte (2nd Round)
  11. Latavius Murray (4th Round)

60% of the top scoring RBs from 2015 were drafted after the 7th Round. You could argue, “Oh well, that’s why you gotta prepare! Gotta get them sleepers!” And I’d say “Nope. It’s all dumb luck.” Maybe Timmy’s philosophy of getting shitfaced during the draft is spot on.

While it’s very exciting looking forward to this year’s draft, let’s take a second to remember those who fucked us over last year. Let’s start out with Injury Dog Shits of the Year. These are the players that got hurt and fucked our seasons:

Injury Dog Shit of the Year


5. Keenan Allen. Played only eight games but scored at least 9 points in six of them, including the one he got hurt. He dominated 3 games scoring 22, 23 and 32 points. Never played after week 8.

4. Dez Bryant. Drafted 11th overall. Missed 7 games. Scored more than 10 points three only times and over 20 points just once. He also had 1.20, 2.60, 0.90 games.

3. Marshawn Lynch. Drafted 9th overall, Projected 2nd Overall but only managed 77.70 total points. Missed 9 games. Had four double digit fantasy games including a 25-point game, but had 3 single digit game including one game with 2.30 points.

2. Andrew Luck. 7th Pick overall. Projected #1 among quarterbacks, ended up 28th behind Josh McCown, Brian Hoyer, Joe Flacco, and Sam Bradford. Had more interceptions (12) than games played (7).

1. Jordy Nelson. Drafted 18th overall. Didn’t play a snap last season.

And now, here they are, Dog Shit of the Year. The players who destroyed the most teams last year:

Dog Shit of the Year


Runner Up: Jimmy Graham. Although he was hurt for the last 5 games of the season, his non-injured shittyness was enough to catapult him into the regular DSoY category. Drafted in the 3rd Round. Projected #2 among Tight Ends, he finished 18th. In the 11 weeks he played, Jimmy Graham scored over 10 points three times, including a 22-point game. He also had games of 1.10, 2.90, 3.00, 3.10, and 3.90. If you remove that 22-point game, Graham averaged 5.34 points per week.

5. Peyton Manning. Drafted in the 4th Round and the 3rd QB taken. Projected as the 6th overall QB, but finished as the 32nd. (In case you forgot, there are 32 teams in the NFL.) Averaged under 14.5 points per game in the 10 games he played in. Had 17 interceptions, 3 of which were pick-6s. He had 5 games under 20 points (The points per game of the top-25 fantasy QBs was 24.66), including 4.65 points week 1 and an incredible -7.25 week 10 (35 yds and 4 interceptions). I’m so glad this guy retired. But you know he’s not gone from our lives. No. Peyton is somehow going to be in MORE commercials now that he’s retired. I wish I could bet on him wearing a fake, white beard hocking shitty Poppa John’s pizza.

4. CJ Anderson. Drafted 17th overall. Projected 13th overall, finished 101st. Had only four weeks where he scored double digit fantasy points, two of which were weeks 16 & 17 when you’d already completely given up on him. He also had four weeks were he failed to even score 3 points.

3. DeMarco Murray. Drafted 12th overall and projected to be the 8th ranked Running Back. But Chip Kelly had other thoughts. Murray ended the year with 603 yards and 4 TDs. He had 670 yards and 5 TDs by week 5 of the previous season! Murray scored 7 points or less nine times, including 4.00, 2.40, 3.70, 0.30 and 0. He only scored more than 15 points three times.

But that doesn’t tell the whole story. Let’s break down some of his games. There’s some real stinkers in here:

  • Week 1: 8 carries for 9 yards.
  • Week 2: 13 carries for 2 yards.
  • Week 4: 8 carries for 36 yards.
  • Week 12: 14 carries for 30 yards.
  • Week 13: 8 carries for 24 yards.
  • Week 14: 11 carries for 34 yards.
  • Week 15: 2 carries for 3 yards.
  • Week 16: 5 carries for 27 yards.

2. Eddie Lacy. Drafted 6th overall. Projected 4th Overall. Finished 90th with 138.60 points. Had 8 weeks where he scored less than 5 points including 0.00 (missed due to injury), 0.90, 1.00, 0.10 and -2.00. Also gained 40 pounds over the course of the season.

1. Aaron Rodgers. Let’s play a little game:

QB #8: 427.45 Fantasy Points, 4792 Yards, 29 TDs, 13 Interceptions, 8 40-yd completions

QB # 9: 427.45 Fantasy Points, 3821 Yards, 31 TDs, 8 Interceptions, 6 40-yd completions

QB #10: 413.40 Fantasy Points, 4262 Yards, 32 TDs, 13 Interceptions, 8 40-yd completions

QB #11: 405.10 Fantasy Points, 4166 Yards, 29 TDs, 11 Interceptions, 8 40-yd completions


QB #8: Philip Rivers, drafted in the 12th Round

QB #9: Aaron Rodgers, drafted 2nd Overall

QB #10: Matthew Stafford, drafted in the 12th Round

QB #11: Kirk Cousins, undrafted

Imagine how much more fun that would’ve been if your comments were sprinkled throughout. Woody definitely woulda said some ridiculous shit about A.A.Ron. #Nick would’ve written “CH Snickerson is mo4e ducking first@” Jeff Who woulda complained about Micho. Micho woulda complained about Jeff Who. Raleigh would’ve typed 3-33-6-2-777-222-666 6-88-777-777-2-999 7777-88-222-55-7777 into his flip phone. But no. And that’s on you.

Team Name #PowerRanks

I was going to use this post as an opportunity to apologize and cop to my mistake. I was even going to rank myself pretty low in the team name power ranks, but then my air conditioner broke in the middle of the night last night. Let me tell you, there is no amount of fans that you can set up that cools you down sufficiently when it HOTTER THAN THE DEVIL’S GRUNDLE degrees outside. I’m a pretty miserable person when I haven’t slept much, and since I’m running on like 47 minutes of sleep, you can all get fucked! We’re doing these power rankings from Most Shitty Team Name to Not That Shitty Team Name, But Still Kinda Shitty.

12. #PublicUrinationDomi

Oh come on. A cutoff team name?!? I had to work hard to figure out what the fuck this team meant. I know you’re on Team #PublicUrinationDomination, but if it doesn’t fit, don’t force it. This is some Busch League shit. And I know it’s “Bush League” and that wasn’t a typo. You’re team name is cheap and shitty and low quality and it’s what high schoolers do when they can’t do anything better. Why didn’t you just use 8s like last year? #PublicUrin8nDomin8n fits under Yahoo’s shitty 20-character limit. Jesus Christ #Nick. You are not representing as champion.

11. Chocolate Pudding

I don’t know why the fuck I feel bad. This kid STILL has a football helmet as his team avatar. And I have no idea what the joke about Chocolate Pudding is. Is it a poop joke? Is it a reference to a show or movie? Is it a sex thing? Is it a black girl thing? Is it a black girl sex thing? Does Jeff Who just really like chocolate pudding? Is he coming to the draft with a dozen pudding packs? I mean, I wouldn’t be against that, it is delicious. But still.

Also, this:

10. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob

I kinda already hate this team name. Naming my team after the Buffalo Bills Brothers makes me a lock for 7-9. My team is gonna be so overrated all year long. I’ll be 2-5, but #4 in the PowerRanks, baby!!

It’s just that I find the Ryan brothers so much fun. I kinda want to hang out with them. Have you seen the Ben-Hur commercial where they dress like gladiators?

It’s fantastically awful. I love it. But there’s no way they call each other “bro.” You know they’ve got ridiculous nicknames for each other like Footmeister and Pie King. Speaking of, there’s no way Rob Ryan doesn’t show up everywhere he goes with a 12-pack of Coors Light and a cheesecake. Any chance we can get him to come to the draft?

Also, why the fuck are they remaking Ben-Hur!??! It’s literally one of the best 10o movies ever made. Fuck that movie.

I may have not set my avatar after calling everyone else out, but I can promise you, No! GAR-UN-TEE that I will make up for it at the draft. I’ve got a little secret something in store for everyone in the draft, and it’s gonna make you happy. It’s no Toppa Battle Rap, but it’s pretty damn great.

9. Wonderland VIP’s

Ah yes. Austin, you were definitely not a VIP at Wonderland. Your ones totally stayed in your wallet. “Nah, I’m good. I’ll just sit here at the bar. (If I sit here, I can still see everything in the mirror and not have to pay!)”

8. TuesdaysAtSpecks

Personally, I woulda gone with Tuesdays With Speck’s to play on Tuesdays With Morrie.

I must see this place. No Yelp reviews. A Facebook page featuring these guys:


And this lovely lady:


It didn’t used to have a website. I know because when Timmy started talking about the Speck’s in the group chat, I had no fucking clue what he was talking about, so I Googled it. And nothing came up. But now they have a website. Come with me on a journey:

Speck’s is a traditional Irish Pub & Men’s Club located in the 5th Ward Irish district of Newport, Rhode Island.

Just in case you didn’t know, they’re Irish. We’re a traditional Irish Club in the Irish Part ‘O Town. Don’t you dare be Italian or Black.

We’ve been family owned and operated since 1904.  We have all your favorite cocktails as well as a full menu of food options….

You have all my favorite cocktails? Really? Do ya? Kinda sounds like a challenge. What are the odds I can walk into Speck’s and get an Old Fashion? The odds are better that they call me a yuppy fuck and kick me out. Oh and they’re “full menu of food options” features a Burger or Meatloaf for $3!!! That’s a deal and a half. Who cares if it’s made of rat meat? That’s a steal. But wait there’s more.

a laid back place to relax, play pool, keno & socialize.

Ah, yes. All the classic relaxing activities. Sometimes me and the old lady, we head back to our place crack a few Gansetts, heat up two Hungry Mans, and watch the Keno balls on the TV.

We also have an ATM at the bar.

Ooooooooh. So cosmopolitan!!

We’re open to the public & tourists but also offer private membership – to inquire please talk to John.

I love how they cover their bases here. Yeah, yeah, I guess you can come in if you ain’t a member. But you have to pay full price for the meatloaf.

7. Wide Right

So I wouldn’t have gotten this one unless Micho had a hissy fit about his PRECIOUS BILLS. Dude, they blow. You know. We know it. Even Boom Boom knows it. Anyway, minus points to JD for having a team name that needs explanation. But plus points for making Micho throw a hissy fit. Even more points for a quality name, once it’s been explained. JD has lost 3 Toppa Bowls and he’s owning it. Atta boy. It’s better to be a loser than… I dunno, you and you’re brother have exactly the same amount of belts. And nobody’s compared him to Andy Dalton and Peyton Manning. Soooo, maybe not?


6. Lance Harbor

RIP. I’ll tell you about the draft, when I see you again.


5. Erect Dicker

This one is good. Dicks are funny. Things that are funny mini-power rankings:

  1. Farts
  2. Dicks
  3. Poop
  4. Burps
  5. “That’s what she said”

But you clearly Googled “Funny fantasy football team names”. Even if you didn’t… you did.

4. Princess AmukaMARY

This is a good one. I especially like switching “Prince” to “Princess”. That said, Woody gets, like, one more MARY team name before that shit gets officially old.

3. Funky Cold ‘Mendola

This one feels like a team name that you’d find on the internet as well, BUT a quick Googling found zero results. The closest thing I could find was “Medulla Amendola,” which is lame by the way. So if PWood came up with this name off the top of his Medulla Amendola, that is some impressive shit! Job well done.

2. Goodells A Man-gina

Yes. Yes he is. Goodell is both a man-gina and a fruit basket.

1. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd

This is a great name. I love it. I don’t care. Dr. Markus Wheatland Blvd is a street that used to be West Broadway in Newport, for those of you who live, and never leave, the 5th Ward. Apparently, Dr. Markus Wheatland was the first African American radiologist. He was also “a genial man, quiet, well-read, and an excellent raconteur.” Nice!

Markus Wheaton is a just-okay football wide receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers. See what Raleigh did there? He combined those two names. That shit is clever. Raleigh then took it another step and made his avatar Dr. Markus Wheatland. Awesome job, Buckets. This will almost make up for when you take a Dolphins player two rounds to early. “Yeah boyee, Leonte Carroo in the 7th round is a steal.” No. No, he is not.


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