I received this year’s Toppa Draft invite in the mail a few weeks ago. And when I did, I immediately stuck the mailman. YOU DON’T BRING THAT WEAK SHIT ACROSS THE MIDDLE, BOY!

WOOOO! Football. Is. Back! Except it’s not. Because everybody’s favorite ginger couldn’t manage to put on an annual event that always takes place at the same goddamn venue. Turns out someone used the wrong paint on the field, which then didn’t dry quickly enough. Then someone had the bright idea to try and quickly dry that paint by “heating up the field.” A field that’s made of rubber. Then, on top of melting the field using a hair dryer, they then tried to cover up their mistake by throwing TURPENTINE on the field. Great Googly Moogly!

What a colossal fuck up. I hope they refund every single fan’s money and take it out that stupid fucking ginger’s paycheck.

Anyway, if I’m cursing at Roger Goodell that means that football season is upon us, and that means: Toppa Draft is almost here! And I’ve been getting ready:

 I’m practicing 10-foot sprints starting from sitting on a stool. Got get up to the board before that YouTube video, “CLOCK” is over.

 I’ve been eating nothing but yogurt for the next two weeks to build up those live cultures to improve my gastrointestinal track.

 I’m Mock Drafting like it’s my job. Which reminds me, at work, I’ve found that staring at spreadsheets filled with players and stats, it looks like I’m doing work:

Hey, Rhys, whatcha working on?

Oh, I’m just going through this spreadsheet of names and statistics. Definitely for work. I’m thinking pretty hard about Lavonte David for the IDP account.

 I’ve been watching Stranger Things on Netflix. This has nothing to do with Toppa Draft, it’s just a really fucking good TV show and you should watch it.

 I’ve been looking up cookie recipes. Last year’s dessert did not cut it. I will not let the league down again.

 I created a Snapchat Geofilter for the draft:

And yes, I made the area look like a dick.

 I’ve bought my train ticket to Rhode Island. That’s right, SOLO ticket. The dog and the old lady are staying in NYC. #ManTime

 Oh, and I did a Power Ranking of all the pictures in this year’s Toppa Draft invite.

Toppa Invite #PowerRanks

12. Vegas

Actively Drinking: No

Rinse of Choice: 120 Unopened Beers

Excitement Level: 1

This picture was taken directly after Austin learned TFB’s suspension would be upheld. Look at him. So dejected. He doesn’t even want to drink any of those beers. What’s the point of even going on, man? Don’t worry bud, it’ll be October before you know it.

11. JD

Actively Drinking: No

Rinse of Choice: A Single Bud Light

Excitement Level: 7

We should never forget that on this day, JD shaded the fuck out of Barstool:

10. Rhys-Nice

Actively Drinking: No

Rinse of Choice: Fireball

Excitement Level: 8

Considering the Pats just smoked the Colts 43 to 22 and I was no longer watching college hockey outdoors in the pouring rain, you could say I was VERY excited in this picture. I was also drunk enough to put on a fucking Luchador mask. That shit does not look comfortable. I can only imagine how much I immediately started sweating once I put that thing on. I probably got a staph infection on my face from whoever wore it before me. Why do they sell NFL branded Luchador masks? Are these big sellers on NFL.com? What other brands are selling Luchador masks?

I’d probably put this picture higher if Woody hadn’t taken it with that piece of cardboard that he wrote “iPhone” on. Also, how you gonna back light a picture? Learn to compose a shot!

Fun Fact: This picture is from the same night which I agreed to do this very blog. That image is the inception of #PowerRanks. And like all births, it took a lot of alcohol for it to sound like a good idea.

9. #Nick

Actively Drinking: Yes

Rinse of Choice: Fireball

Excitement Level: 4

4 is the maximum excitement level anyone can have while drinking Fireball. Once it hits your tongue you can feel the excitement draining out of your body. It’s like anti-Will Ferrel. If they made a graph of one’s excitement during all phases of drinking Fireball, it would start very high. You’re so excited you cannot contain yourself. The only outlet for your excitement is shots. It then begins to go down as you watch the bartender pour the shots. You then throw it back and your excitement crashes, as you realize you’ve made an awful decision. It then sinks below zero as you fight off the feeling that you’re going to throw up. The excitement level slowly creeps up , now that the horrible experience is now over. It then gets higher and higher as the dishwashing detergent courses through your veins. It reaches an all time high just seconds before you put your head through a plate glass window.

I can’t think of a more exciting place to drink than under the rotunda at First Beach. Oh wait, I can think of a thousand places better to drink. It might be the worst place to enjoy a drink ever. Now, I understand, it’s a bit better because you’re working and drinking on the job. Sneaky sneaky. But have the decency to drink in the booth, like Toppa would’ve wanted you too. This is why our current #Champion is so low down the list. Also, I have a feeling #Nick is going to be particularly insufferable after winning last year, I had to knock him down a peg.

Now if it was this picture, he’d probably be #1 in the Power Ranks:

Jesus, I can only look at that picture for so long before I start getting turned on.

8. Woody

Actively Drinking: No

Rinse of Choice: Miller Light

Excitement Level: 9

Surprise, surprise. Woody’s at his house, sitting on his couch, drinking Miller Light. Kinda feels like Commish is trying a little too hard here. Gotta keep him honest in the #PowerRanks.

Woody also gets minus points for sending me all the images for this post via text.

7. Micho St.

Actively Drinking: No

Rinse of Choice: 22 Miscellaneous Light Bottled Beers

Excitement Level: 7

The best part is, you know at least half of those beers are his.

I don’t know how well you guys know Micho, but that face is actually him at a pretty high excitement level. Cocked eyebrow? Are you kidding me? I haven’t seen him that excited since he watching a NASCAR race and a bunch of cop cars flew by.

6. RalBuckets

Actively Drinking: No

Rinse of Choice: Champagne

Excitement Level: 9

God you can just feel the bromance coming through the screen. I had to put Buckets in the top half of the Power Ranks because I’m genuinely frightened he’s going to beat my ass at any time.

5. Brendo

Actively Drinking: Yes

Rinse of Choice: Ice Cold Beer

Excitement Level: -3

Fucks Given: Zero. You gotta love a guy who just gets down to business. “I came here to drink beer and chew bubblegum. And I’m all outta bubblegum.”

4. JBiggs

Actively Drinking: Yes

Rinse of Choice: Yeungling Traditional Lager

Excitement Level: 7

Drinking a beer, shades on, thumbs up. Shit is all good.

3. Timmy

Actively Drinking: Yes

Rinse of Choice: AstroBomb

Excitement Level: 9

I’d say Timmy’s pretty excited in this picture seeing how he’s on the clock. But it was Victory over Japan Day after all. You gotta find a way to celebrate. See #Nick, that’s how you do it.

2. PWood

Actively Drinking: YES

Rinse of Choice: 2 Harpoon Beers at the same time

Excitement Level: 8

I don’t really know what else to say about this picture, except that I experienced this one in person and it was even more glorious than it looks.

1. JeffWho

Actively Drinking: Yes

Rinse of Choice: Sam Summer

Excitement Level: 10

First off, this will probably be the only time Jeff is at the number one spot. Congrats, buddy.

Next, just look into those eyes.

There’s sheer bliss in those eyes.

They’re mesmerizing.

I feel like you can see into the center of the universe.

I feel like I could just fall into them forever.

Huh? What happened? I got distracted there for a minute.

Team Name #PowerRanks early next week. Deadline is Friday for you to set your team name. I guess that’s basically for me and JBiggs. Also, for Raleigh, who hasn’t even signed up yet. What the fuck!? If there’s no Loftus Dip this year, I’m gonna be pissed.