I saw this tweet a while back and it felt right up my alley:
Picking which one of these items had to go is essentially #PowerRanking them and giving the worst one the boot. Sounds like a blog post to me! Unfortunately at the time when I saw the tweet I was writing about how trying to save the planet was ruining my life, so I filed it away for a later time. And what better a time than a week from Halloween!
Plus! Now, when you head to CVS next week, you can pick out the CORRECT candy. Look, no one wants to be the house that passes out the shitty candy. You wanna be the cool house. If you can’t go trick or treating anymore, at least you can win adoration of 8 year old kids by handing out the good candy.
We’ll do this in reverse order as we’re trying to pick who we’re going to kick out. So, we’ll go from best to worst. Let’s go!
1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Obviously these have a special place in my heart since they share my namesake. I can’t wait for my little guy to start trick or treating and I convince him that since my name is Rhys, that actually all Reese’s Pieces are mine and he has to give them to me. (Yes, it’s spelled different but he’s got a child’s brain. He’s dumb.) I can see this working from ages 4 to 7 or 8. Those years are gonna be great!
But not only is it my opinion that Peanut Butter Cups are the best, it’s also fact. Peanut Butter and Chocolate are the perfect combination. End of discussion. Boom Boom says she doesn’t like that combination, but really I think she’s just going for a hot take and doesn’t even believe herself.
Another perfect combination. Peanuts are good. Chocolate is great. Caramel is excellent. And nugat is good. I think. Pretty sure. I know it’s not NOT good. And when you put them all together, it’s even better. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Snickers is like the Patriots of candy. Like are the McCourty twins actually good at football? Maybe? But on the Patriots? Apparently, they’re very good. Same with peanuts covered in chocolate and caramel.
3. Milky Way
Now, this may be a hot take, but Milky Ways are fucking delicious. They’re Snickers without the peanuts. Who doesn’t love that? And a few years ago they upped the chocolate content on the outside, so now it’s really thick. When you bite into it, there’s this really satisfying almost-crunch, but it’s all just chocolate baby.
We’re talking fun size here, so unfortunately we don’t have the bonus of having both Twix bars. For my inner fat kid, that extra Twix bar is crucial. You see, when you eat the first one in 2 or 3 bites, it’s really exciting to discover that there is MORE CANDY. You can fight off that depression of eating a candy bar in 2 bites for a few more seconds while you eat a second candy bar in 2 bites.
5. Kit Kat
Kit Kats are overrated. They’re not that great. They get the benefit of having that super catchy song, and are kinda fun because you can break them apart. But it’s just milk chocolate and wafer. Wafers are stupid. Would you like to eat something that tastes like nothing? Here have a wafer.
That means the candy that “has to go. Forever.” is:
Yeah. One of the most popular candies in the world, is trash. Get that shit outta here!
Every time I have M&M’s, there’s a bunch of them in a bowl sitting on someone’s end table, which, thanks now I have Cholera, but also I have like 6 or 7 handfuls and it’s really not that enjoyable. It’s just enough chocolate to frustrate you that you’re not actually eating chocolate.
And “melts in your mouth, not in your hand?” Lies. What kind of company would come up with and advertising slogan that was completely untrue? I’ll tell you. The kind of company that would have a store in Times Square that sells just M&M’s. What kind of stupid shit it that? They’re at the Duane Reade next door for like, 400% cheaper.
Commercial I’m Already Sick Of
I’ve never seen this show in my life because it doesn’t look funny. At all. Which means it fits right in at CBS! One thing occurred to me though as I saw the 437th commercial for this show during a football Sunday: Imagine how NOT OKAY this show would be if the roles were switched? Like, this show is “funny” because it’s the corny white guy and the grouchy black guy, but if it were the other way around, we’d definitely have a problem on our hands. And I’m not even complaining in a “What about White History Month?” or “Why isn’t there a Straight Pride parade?” kinda way. Nope. I’m just saying that there was a very narrow path of success for this show and I’m glad they found it.
Week 6 #PowerRankings
Well it wasn’t our best showing this weekend, fellas. More teams failed to score 100 points (5) than teams who scored more than 120 (4). The average score this week was 115 points. And if you remove JBiggs’ historic week, that drops down to just 104 points. We also have a couple teams that lost for the first time in a while (PWood) and who won for the first time in a long time (me!).
Oh before we jump in though, #BonusPowerRankings:
12. Dancing Two Man Zebra
11. Dumpster Fire
10. The Dude
8. Really, Really White Guy Fist Pump
7. College Kid Breaks Back
5. Andy Dwyer
4. ASAP Rocky
3. Little Girl Falls on her Face
2. Flying Dildo to the Face
1. Surf Bum, Literally
12. The Handy (Last Week: 6)
I mean any time you get blown out by 145 points, you go straight to the bottom of the #PowerRanks. This was the biggest blowout in Toppa League history. And it was in a Desantis Bowl. Word on the street is JD and JBiggs were sitting on the couch right next to each other while this all went down. I mean JBiggs just made JD his bitch. He owns him now. Like I bet JBiggs grabbed the remote at one point, paused the DVR and turned to JD, like:
JBiggs now owns JD’s car, house and first born. Hell JD is now a virgin again because of the beat down JBiggs put on him. And now this beatdown will live on in Toppa history forever. It’s almost like JD never won two championships because his little brother destroyed him by almost 150 points.
11. C.R.E.A.M. Team (Last Week: 10)
Jesus. And I thought I was depressed about my team. At least the Pats won and we all didn’t have blood on our hands.
10. TB12 Method (Last Week: 3)
Remember back to Week 3 when A. Dias scored only 81.5 points and it was the 7th lowest score in Toppa history and was a pretty solid lock to be the lowest score of the SZN? Well, guess what he went out a did? Put up 72 points!!! And it’s not even my birthday!! You shouldn’t have! This is the 3rd lowest score in Toppa history and lowest since 2012. A. Dias lost by over 40 points and Buckets only scored 114 points.
9. Sympathy Weight (Last Week: 11)
It says a lot about my team when I finally do win, it’s in a week where neither team in the matchup managed to score 90 points. I’m so beaten down by losing 5 weeks in a row that I can’t even process a win. I didn’t even get happy. I’m like Jesse in the Breaking Bad movie. I should shoot Landry in the face, but instead I’m just gonna eat some pizza.
By the way, I traded DeAndre Hopkins to JBiggs last week for Julian Edelman and Jordan Howard. Regardless of whether you’re Micho or not, I felt like it wasn’t too bad of a trade. Edelman had been outperforming Hopkins so far, and I got a pretty good running back as well. Yahoo said I lost the trade but it was only like a 3 point difference. But that was their stupid-ass projections, so fuck that shit. Plus, I had just lost 5 weeks in a row, I needed to do SOMETHING. Well, what Yahoo meant was a 3 point difference EVERY MINUTE. Hopkins caught 9 balls for 106 yards and a touchdown. Howard and Edelman combined didn’t even score half of what Hopkins did.
I also had four players on my bench who combined for 125 points. YEESSSS!
8. Big Time Danny Dimes (Last Week: 4)
But at least I didn’t do as bad as JeffWho. At Island Bowl, there was actual discussion about whether or not JeffWho’s team was for real. The consensus was that Jeff’s team was good and we should all be worried. 2 weeks later JeffWho has lost twice in a row and couldn’t even beat me when I put up 86 points. Although JeffWho has the second highest scoring team in the league, he’s under .500 and would barely make the playoffs if they started today. JeffWho in crisis.
7. BigRigHewitt (Last Week: 9)
Timmy has no lost two in a row and is one of the lowest scoring teams in the league. He’s up against Micho this week in a matchup that could prove difficult for him. A loss this week could drop him out of the playoff race.
6. For The Table (Last Week: 12)
Woody had the third highest score of the week with only 129 points. That was the kind of week it was for everyone besides JBiggs. Woody is the lowest scoring team in the league right now. But he made two trades this week, (Woody loves a trade. He told me. Just like that too. “Woody loves a trade.”) so maybe it all turns around for him starting now. Or maybe he loses to Uncle Bud this week and it keeps spiralling down the toilet.
5. James White Claws (Last Week: 1)
After coming out of the gate strong, winning his first 4 in a row, PWood has now lost 2 of his last 3. Fortunately, he’s got #nick coming to town. It’s the perfect bounce back game to get PWood back to the top of the league.
4. White Door Key (Last Week: 5)
Five in a row. (4 words)
3. Duke Caboom (Last Week: 8)
Brendo had the second highest score of the week with 138 points. That’s still 100 points less than JBiggs high score of the week. But it was enough to beat #nick by 21 points.
2. Fifth Pick’s 4 Flynt (Last Week: 2)
There’s a new team at the top of the table! Buckets has won 3 in a row now. Some of those wins may have been ugly, like this week, where he only managed 114 points. But when A. Dias puts up historically shitty numbers, sometimes you can rest your starters.
1. Derby Wing Night (Last Week: 7)
This was just fucking silly. A.A.Ron scored 61 points (429 yards 5TDs and a rushing TD). That was almost enough to beat A. Dias alone! But JBiggs also had two players score over 30 (Darren Waller and Chase Edmonds), another two score over 20 (DeAndre Hopkins and the Pats defense), and then had two special teamers in double digits. This was the third highest regular SZN score in Toppa League history. I can’t wait for a few weeks from now when I’m sitting with my newborn in my arms, and I can tell him about the time when defending Toppa League champion destroyed his older brother in Week 6. He’ll then look up at me, and burp and shit at the same time.
Don’t forget to set your lineups and make your picks. The Washington R-words are going to Minnesota to play the V-words (-16). Yikes. It’s fitting that a game featuring Washington is this offensively bad.