I gotta tell you, I got really fired up when I saw the title of one of GQ’s Men of the Year articles was “Tom Brady Is the Best Quarterback Ever. Period.” The article’s editor clearly wrote that headline, because if Chuck Klosterman had his way, the article would be titled “Tom Brady is a lying cheater who lies about cheating. Period.” Deflategate shit ends up just making me tired because it uses so much of my brain power to even understand such an insane and trivial “controversy,” never mind try to rationalize it. So instead of talking shit and/or launching into some defense of my man Tommy. I’m just going to stare into those eyes and forget about everything. Mmmmmmmmm…
What is he doing with that coat? Who gives a fuck?! That is one ruggedly handsome man! We should just be dropping pictures of Tom Brady on ISIS. How can you think violent thoughts while looking into those dream pools? #dropbradysnotbombs
There is no need to bother ourselves with such simple matters when we have much, MUCH more important things to discuss. That’s right, we had to make some very difficult decisions this week: When push comes to shove, which meat is better, light or dark? Which pie is superior, pumpkin or apple? How much do you really care about vegetables? For godssake, stuffing or mashed potatoes!?
The results were very close in every matchup. So, with no further ado, here are the results of the Elite Ate:
Ron Swanson Division
(1) White Meat Turkey [61%] over (2) Dark Meat Turkey [39%]
In the ultimate battle of good vs. evil, White Meat Turkey started strong with a 5-2 lead over Dark Meat Turkey. After a rally in the middle of the day by Dark Meat, White Meat Turkey was able to finish strong with 6 straight votes as the polls closed and take home the victory.
This was basically like Luke vs. Darth Vader, except except with a knife and carving fork:
*In 5th grade, Woody had a T-shirt with Luke vs Vader on it. That shit was fire emoji. It totally took your focus away from his mushroom-bowl haircut.
I’m impressed that more of you went with the Light side of the Force. You guys decided to go with the blander yet healthier meat. Me, I’d choose the incredible power, uncountable army, planet-blowerupper* and fatty meat. I looked up how much healthier light meat is vs dark meat, just because I wanted to see if all those people (read: broads) who tell you that light meat is healthier were actually not, in fact, full of shit. It turns out the two are similar in calories and protein, but dark meat is much, much fattier. Which is why it’s so fucking delicious!! A person who I trust very, very much always says, “No fat, no fun.” Truth.
*as long as we plug that one little hole in the top
Your Ron Swanson Regional Champion: White Meat Turkey
Defeated Roast Beef (100% to 0%), Prime Rib (73% to 27%) and Dark Meat Turkey (61% to 39%)
(1) Green Bean Casserole [61%] over (2) Corn [39%]
Well, it looks like the 1950s won over the 1650s. Too bad. You guys missed out on a bunch of maize-based puns. A-Maize-ing Victory, etc, etc. It woulda been fun. If you like puns.
I’ve got to be honest, I’ve never had Green Bean Casserole on Thanksgiving. And I’m not sure how many times I’ve had in my life. It’s definitely under 5. It didn’t leave a lasting impression. Maybe because green beans taste like little green turds.
Your Prince Regional Champion: Green Bean Casserole
Defeated Peas & Pearl Onions (68% to 32%), Glazed Carrots (73% to 26%), and Corn (61% to 39%)
George Costanza Division
*George Costanza gifs are so much fun. If I can figure out how to implement a George Costanza of the Week, I’m going to do it.
(1) Stuffing [56%] over (2) Mashed Potatoes [44%]
I think JD put it best:
This was the closest matchup we’ve had. There were 3 ties and 4 lead changes. But really, there are no losers in the match-up between Stuffing and Mashed Potatoes. This could’ve ultimately been the final matchup to decide the greatest Thanksgiving foodstuff of them all. In fact, when I go back for my third plate of seconds (don’t do the math, just roll with it), I may load up on just mashed potatoes and stuffing, out of respect for all that these two great foodstuffs’ have given to Thanksgiving.
Your George Costanza Regional Champion: Stuffing
Defeated Cranberry Jelly (100% to 0%), Gravy (73% to 27%), and Mashed Potatoes (56% to 44%)
Paula Deen Division
(3) Apple Pie [56%] over (1) Pumpkin Pie [44%]
Thank god we didn’t have all chalk at the end! Apple Pie is our Thanksgiving Cinderella. It took an early 8-2 lead and had just enough in the end to hold off Pumpkin Pie’s late surge.
Your Paula Deen Regional Champion: Apple Pie
Defeated Cool Whip (90% to 10%), Pecan Pie (80% to 20%), and Pumpkin Pie (56% to 44%)
I haven’t quite figured out the voting for the Flavorful Four and the Championship round, since there’s only one post until Thanksgiving, and that post will probably come out before Thursday. I’ll probably just open up the voting after this posts and then turn around and have the final voting two days later, like the actual Final Four games.
Dog Shit of the Week
Thomas Davis. I’d understand if you don’t know who this is. There’s usually a well-known, underperforming superstar in this space, but stick with me. Thomas Davis is a linebacker for the Carolina Panthers. He was held without a tackle for the first time in his career since 2005. Brendo played JBiggs this week and lost 135.90 to 135.20. He lost by 0.70 points! That. Is. Rough. If Thomas Davis has 1 tackle, just one, Brendo wins. Come on, Thomas! You can’t just hop on a few piles? And you know what? We didn’t hear much about it from Brendo. Nary a peep. I’m impressed. Brendo is a true class act. I lost by 4 points last year and wrote a post using the the word “fuck” 69 times. I may have anger issues.
A weird thing happened this week. With the exception of JD beating Micho, everyone in the top half of the league lost to someone in the bottom half. Which would usually mean I’d take the opportunity to knock you all down a peg, but if I knocked everyone at the top down a peg, everyone would still be in the same position. A rising tide lifts all boats… is a thing I’ve heard before and think applies here.
12. SheMyWendyPeffercorn (Last Week 12)
Jeff!! Get your shit together! This is your second loss in a row. You’ve lost 4 of your last 5 and you’re 2-8 overall! Is JeffWho even playing anymore? Has anyone seen him around? Do you think he’s okay?
11. #BroNationEjaQlation (Last Week 8)
Welcome to the sad club of impotent men who can’t score over 100 points. #itsucks
10. FireUpThatKush (Last Week 9)
Timmy riding high on that two game win streak! If I know Timmy, he’s riding very high. Speaking of Timmy being high, he got the High Score of the Week brought to you by that sleeve of Thin Mints in the back of your freezer that you have no idea how long they’ve been in there or how they even got there in the first place, but man are they really delicious right now.
9. It Ertz When Eifert (Last Week 11)
It was only 0.70 points but it got JBiggs the win. And a win is a win, right? A win is a win is a win. Is a win. Man, how has Jeremy Langford been this much of a monster? 62 points in 2 weeks!! Is he just Matt Forte, but younger? Is he better than Matt Forte? Why have the Bears not been using him all year?
8. Big D Brady (Last Week 6)
PWood extends his 4 game winning streak to bring him back up to .500. It was a big offseason for PWood. He spent the whole summer partying with his championship belt. He got married. The team had to pay a few guys. They lost some key players to other teams. But now they’re back on track. He’s got his eyes on the playoffs and is poised to make another championship run.
7. J.B.HaHaClintonDix (Last Week 7)
Buckets ultimately ended up beating Woody 151 – 141 because Kirk Cousins outscored Aaron Rodgers 44.20 to 36.45. Let me repeat that, Kirk “You Like That” Cousins outperformed Aaron Rodgers. Don’t you tell me to “R-E-L-A-X” A.A.Ron! You better stop relaxing and get your shit together.
6. ScottHansonsFluffer (Last Week 10)
Woooooooo!!! I broke my losing streak against the top team in the league. And I didn’t just win, I made Vegas the Blowout of the Week sponsored by XtraHRD, Asia’s number one seller now comes to America. If you want to get “Extra Hard” for four days and don’t mind the side effects of the worst headache of your life and apparent back pain, then XtraHRD is for you. Available everywhere that sketchy products are sold.
It took benching my squad to send them a message. And I may have said a couple prayers to Toppa. But ScottHansonsFluffers are back, baby!!
I’m already scared I’m gonna lose again.
5. Ladies and Edelman (Last Week 3)
Rough week for Micho. He managed only 114 points in his loss to JD. He had 2 of his 3 WRs, his 2 RBs, his TE and his Flex all score under 3.3 points.
4. deMARYius WOODhead (Last Week 4)
In an ultimate troll move, Woody picked up Ha Ha Clinton-Dix in his matchup against Raleigh. Ha Ha was a great pickup and ended being one of Woody’s best players, scoring 15 points. But when one of your best players is a safety who scores 15 points, you’re probably not going to win that week. And he didn’t.
3. CrisCartersFallGuys (Last Week 1)
Hahahahaha Austin you fucking suck!! You couldn’t even manage 117 points against my measly team. You lost by 53 points, you little bitch! Every once and a while a gif comes along and it’s perfect. I present to you now, ScottHansonsFluffers and Arizona Cardinals quarterback Carson Palmer telling the fans of Seattle, and Austin, to Suck It:
2. JPP’s Finger Bang (Last Week 2)
See Davis, Thomas.
1. OBJYN (Last Week 5)
Even though JD’s in third, he’s the only one of the top three who won, so he gets the top spot. I’m not happy about it or anything, but sometimes that’s the way it is.
Be sure to set you lineups, …(checks schedule)… Jesusfuckingchrist are you kidding me?!? Really?! We have to do this again? The stupid Jaguars (-2.5) play the goddamn Titans. And guess what? It’s another Nike Color Rush game:
Feel the color rush from your face as you watch two shitty teams in two shitty uniforms play on a night that always has shitty games. At least there won’t be a problem for color blind people this week, because nothing has ever gone wrong when something was black and gold vs. blue and white.