Me at 11:15am on Sunday: “I can’t wait to watch football all day on my 65-inch Ultra 4K TV”
Me at 4:15pm on Sunday: [Watching RedZone on my phone as my kid watches Moana for the 45th time on said 65-inch TV]
Sha, shabba Rrrranks, PowerRanks
That’s right Lil’ Soup!! It’s Soup SZN. Big ups Hot Soup!!
I have removed Chowders, Chilis and Stews from this conversation. I could argue that these are also, in fact, soups, since they go in a bowl and you eat (Drink? How does one consume soup?) them with a spoon. And they’re better than all 12 of these soups, but whatever. I’m ranking classic soups here today.
12. Potato Soup
I draft drunk
I mean it just ends up tasting like mashed potatoes. Which… okay, yeah it’s good, but it’s not soup.
11. Cream of Mushroom Soup
Stage Coach’s Sashay Cafe
This soup sucks. HOWEVA! Adding that shit to other dishes to make em extra creamy? That’s my jam. Tuna Noodle Casserole? Beef Stroganoff? Just some super cream pasta dish? Mmmm Mmmm bitch!
10. Chicken Noodle Soup
Beer Gut Method
Chicken Noodle Soup is totally overrated. Like is Chicken Noodle Soup that good? Or does it just have a good marketing department? Oh, it magically cures your illnesses! There was that book where chicken soup cleansed your soul or whatever! It’s fine. But the ceiling is very low here. Even wicked good chicken soup is still just decent soup. I’d rather have vegetable soup.
And don’t come near me with rice. Get that shit outta here.
9. Vegetable Soup
I’d rather have vegetable soup.
Bonus points, those dehydrated Vegetable Soup packets make some slammin’ veggie dip.
8. French Onion Soup
Return of the Mac
Ah, the mullet of soups! Party on top. Meh underneath. Look at all that fucking cheese!! And they bring it in one of those cool, ancient-looking bowls. Like that shit was cooked on a hearth! No ordinary bowl for you, not with all that ooey, gooey cheese! Then, once you dig in, it’s just a whole bunch of onions.
7. Cheesy Broccoli Soup
Don’t get me wrong, I grew up on Broccoli smothered in cheese. But this is like the Potato Soup. It just tastes like broccoli, and it tastes like cheese.
6. Wonton Soup
Let’s get exotic! It’s basically a tasty vegetable broth with giant-ass tortellinis in it. What’s not to like. Plus, if you’re eating Wonton Soup, let’s be real, you’re also eating General Tso’s chicken. So bonus points for that.
5. Italian Wedding Soup
TB12 of Pink Football
Soup at a wedding? Bowled choice! [high fives self]
But for real, who eats soup at a wedding? If I ate soup at a wedding, there’s a 97% chance I’m getting soup on my shirt and/or tie. I can’t be getting food on my shirt. Not that early into the wedding. 2 or 3 hours in? Sure. What’s a little soup when I’ve already sweat completely through my shirt and spilt 3 different types of booze on it?
4. Butternut Squash Soup
“David Myers, the Jewish guy who works at City Hall, once told me something: a schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlimazel of our office.”
3. Chicken Tortilla Soup
What’s better than Taco Tuesday? Throwing all that shit in a bowl so I don’t even need to chew it.
Confession: I don’t think I’ve ever had gumbo. But people love it. I bet I’d love it. Look at it. It looks delicious. It’s got SHRAMP! And Andooweeeee sausage! I want some right now. Someone get me on a fan boat in the bayou.
1. Tomato Soup
The Hungry Heifer
Tomato soup and grilled cheese is a top 5 meal EVER. Fuck outta here.
Survivor Update: No new X’s
Time’s up! Shut it down. You don’t have to go home, but you do have to set your lineups. Carolina (-8) is at Houston tonight and I can name like 5 people in this game.