I open my closet and reach in the very back. Back past the Ted Johnson jersey. Back past the suit I wore to Murph and Maloney’s wedding where the pants are now VERY MUCH too tight (they were too tight then). Back past the box of Sports Illustrated magazines from 2001-2009 that had any Boston player on the cover (and the Swimsuit issues). I find my laptop. I open it up. I blow the years of dust off the keys. I open a Google Chrome Incognito window. Sorry, force of habit. I open a regular Google Chrome tab. I type the words:
“WWW”
“TOPPAMOTHERFUCKINGLEAGUEDOTCOM”
I hit ‘Enter’
“404 ERROR”
Right. Sorry. I got a little excited there.
“TOPPALEAGUE.COM”
Username? “RhysNice”
Password? “TimmyL0cket69”
Well, well, well. Guess who’s back….
It’s me!
I’m back.
Your boy just got let go from his job. “Downsized” on LinkedIn. “Fired” if you want to be a dick about.
Just in time for Christmas! Not a whole lot of Joy to this World. Deck me in the balls, more like it. Guess everyone’s getting homemade crafts in the Ranks household!
Don’t worry though, they gave me one last paycheck, so I’ll have to just make that last like the oil in the fucking menorah. It’s a modern day Chanukah miracle.
I can’t wait to spend the next 6 months of my life creating a Worksalot.com account, uploading a PDF of my resume, and then reentering every fucking detail from that PDF into 8 pages of poorly designed webforms. Isn’t AI supposed to be replacing everything?? Were they too busy firing everyone saying that AI would replace their job without looking into having AI replacing those jobs? Wait, did I just get replaced by AI?
You know what can’t be replaced by AI?? Toppa Blogs!!
So, I’ve got a whole lot more time on my hands, may as well write some Toppa Blogs. My loss is your gain, I guess.
Let’s Preview the Wildcard weekend matchups!!
Hangonhangonhangonhangon hang on.
It doesn’t feel right jumping in with our #powerranking something. It’s been a while, so we’ll have to shake off the cobwebs, but let’s give it a go.
Things to say to person who just lost their job #powerranked:
5. I’m sorry for your loss
Dude, nobody died. It sucks, but read the room.
4. Oh no!! I’m so so sorry!!
You’re coming too hard with this. When people say stuff like this, it makes me just want to say “No, it’s okay. It’s fine. It’s actually good.” By the end of the conversation I’m apologizing to them.
3. Shit man, that sucks.
Yup. It does. Right on. There’s honestly not a whole lot you can say in this situation, so this works a lot better than you’d think.
2. Damn… Fuck em!
Yer goddamn right!!! Fuck! Them! That’s right, my new best friend. You and me, we ride till dawn.
1. Want a job?
I mean, yes. Obviously.
Okay. Now let’s get on with the Toppa Wildcard Weekend previews!!
#1 Quint (11-3) vs #8 Hot Lava Snakes (7-7)
Quint SZN Recap: Oh, do you have a star?!? Do you feel so big and stwong with your wittle star?? Do you feel so special with your wittle star??? Oh good for yoooouuuuu!!
Brendo jumped up to first place early in the Toppa SZN and never looked back, winning six of his first seven. Buuuuuut he’s in the middle of the pack in point scored and managed the lowest points scored against in the league. SMOKE AND MIRRORS ALERT!!
Brendo’s looking to become the first #1 seed to win Toppa League since Josh did it in 2018. Josh has been the only person to do it by the way. One #1 seed in 15 years, Brendo. The odds are not in your favor. Also, Brendo’s trying to become the first back-to-back winner since Justin did it in 2016 & 2017. And also become the first 3-time Toppa League winner.
I think we can all agree we all want none of that.
Hot Lava Snakes SZN Recap: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! JeffWho is riding (what’s the opposite of riding? Stumbling? Falling? Limping?) a 5-game losing streak to close out the regular SZN. Which I’m sure is made even worse because he was 7-2 up till that point.
Last Meeting: In Week 8, JeffWho absolutely mollywopped Brendo by 51 points. Brendo had nine players put up single digits and only scored 95 points. Breece Hall put up 37.90 points for JeffWho, which coupled with good games from Daniel Jones (really), Ladd McConkey (1 of only 3 good games this year), Javonte Williams, and Cameron Dicker made Brendo JeffWho’s bitch that week.
Matchup Preview: JeffWho! If only you could’ve put Kyle Pitts in your FLEX!!! Except, you still wouldn’t have, though. That dude fucking sucks.
But now, he did just enough for some poor motherfucker to draft him again next year and have him disappoint them all over again.
The line has been updated from Brendo -10 to Brendo -7, and Brendo’s only a 56% favorite to win the matchup. Brendo’s best players this year have been Patrick Mahomes and the Houston Defense (again, SMOKE AND MIRRORS ALERT), so he needs a big week from them to move on.
JeffWho needs a big week from CJ Stroud, is banking on another payback game from Stefon Diggs, and is hoping CeeDee Lamb’s brain has been unscrambled just in time for Sunday Night Football.
I think this is gonna be a close one.
#2 Jacking Goff (9-5) vs #7 Gooning for TD Montages (8-6)
Jacking Goff SZN Recap: Is Vegas’s avatar Strongbad? No way. First off, I feel like he’s too young for Homestar Runner. Also, Strongbad does not fit into Austin’s “I’m too cool for all of this” brand. Strongbad is way too nerdy for Vegas. I honestly just went back and watched for the first time since college and there’s no way. Honestly, the venn diagram for Toppa Leauge of how old you are to watch Strongbad and Homestar Runner in the days of the early-fun-good internet and whether you were cool or not cool enough to stay home in your dorm room and watch it, is probably 2 perfect separate circles, with me in the middle.
Anyway, Vegas’s team is fine. Again, middle of the pack in points scored, and bottom of the league in points scored against. Vegas got off to a hot start, winning 4 of 5, and closed out the SZN strong, winning 4 of his last 5.
Gooning for TD Montages SZN Recap: Heeeee-yuge sigh. I’m so sick of being mediocre at fantasy. I’d honestly rather come in last place and run full speed into the porta potty in full pads and a helmet than root for my team full of underperforming “good” players. I have the best player in fantasy football this year, Jonathan Taylor, who somehow seems to be running out of steam, just in time for the playoffs. And then I have some of the arguably biggest busts in fantasy, in Brian Thomas and Jayden Daniels. I also had the best TE in fantasy, Tucker Kraft, until his leg exploded. He’s still the 8th best TE in fantasy BTW and hasn’t played since Week 9. Fantasy is just the fucking best.
So a lotta ups and a whole lotta downs which equals just a “meh” team.
Last Meeting: OOOoooooff. Man, I got smoked by Vegas in Week 11, 141.95 to 97.65. Apparently, Sam Darnold wasn’t up to the task, and threw 4 Intos on his way to a whopping 8 pts. Meanwhile, Vegas had 4 players with 20+ points (Jared Goff, Micheal Wilson, Treveyon Henderson, Jahmyr Gibbs) and his kicker added in 18, to boot (heyo!).
#Vegas is favored by only 2 points in a fantastically exciting, low scoring affair. DEFENSIVE STRUGGLE! Seeing 119 to 117 really just tucks your balls, sends an exciting shiver up your spine and puts a hop in your step.
Fingers crossed Isaac TeSlaa can pull in a few… fuck I can’t even finish writing that. I’m fucked.
#3 shopping plaza snow piles (8-5-1) vs #6 AmazonPhotographyCoolerRaiders (8-6)
shopping plaza snow piles SZN Recap: Watch out for Woody! He’s riding a 4-game winning streak into the playoffs and is the highest scoring team in the league with more than 150 points than the next closest team. Woody had a tough start losing 3 of his first 5, but has things right in his clubhouse, winning 5 of his last 6 and 4 in a row to close out the SZN.
But enough about that shit! Woody tied!! That shit is insane. No, for real. That shit is insane. No. Hang on. Wait. Think about it. Then stop. And then, think about it again. Then don’t think about it. Then, go back and think about it again. IT’S STILL FUCKING INSANE RIGHT??! You have 11 players playing in different games, doing completely random shit with a completely random scoring system, with TWO DECIMALS and somehow both teams score the SAME amount of points. I’m fucking SHOCKED!
I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that I didn’t have a blog this year, because if I did, I would not shut the fuck up about this. And, I would definitely go into the whole “kissing your sister” thing. Soooo, I don’t have a sister, but… is it a thing… are there guys that… do dudes actually want…. I mean… so the assumption behind that phrase is that it’s both good and bad, right? So, kissing your sister… even just a small amount… is good??!??! But not as good as a regular broad because it’s like relations and all that? Right.
AmazonPhotographyCoolerRaiders SZN Recap: Man, Buckets turned his SZN around. He started out losing 3 in a row. His was sitting at 3-5 at the mid-SZN mark. But he’s got to be feeling good about his squad, winning 5 of his last 6 coming into the playoffs.
Last Meeting: In Week 10, Buckets put up 171 points and beat down Woody by 36. Buckets had 4 players drop 20+ points (Caleb Williams, Nico Collins, Trey McBride, and the Dever D).
Matchup Preview: Woody is a slight, 4-point favorite in a what should (hopefully) be a high scoring affair pitting Woody’s highest scoring offense against Bucket’s third-highest scoring team.
#4 #HelmetHeavyFatBelly (8-5-1) vs #5 Circle Jerk Squad (8-6)
#HelmetHeavyFatBelly SZN Recap: Give it up to Nick going from the worst team in the league last year to a respectable 4th place. It’s almost like wearing that helmet for 8 hours motivated you to, at the very least, not come in last again. It was worrying for a little while there. #nick kicked off the SZN losing 3 of 4. He was able to turn it around though, not losing his next 9 matchups. I say “not losing” because he tied one of those weeks. Again, A FUCKING TIE!!! You should get free drinks at the bar for that shit or something. Nothing makes sense!
Circle Jerk Squad SZN Recap: Josh started out the SZN hot, winning three in a row. Then, he lost 3 in a row. He then went up and down, closing out the SZN 5-3. Josh does have the second-highest scoring team in the league, though, so watch out.
Last Meeting: In Week 8, #Nick won pretty handily 153-120. #Nick got huge outings from Justin Herbert (34.55), James Cook (41.60) and the Pats D (20.00). Josh’s team put up a decent fight, but couldn’t overcome a few duds from his team (Jake Ferguson (1.00), Brashard Smith (0.40), Keenan Allen (4.40)).
Matchup Preview: Hoooo Boy! We got us a PICK EM. Love it when a 4-5 matchup shakes out the way it’s supposed to! #Nick is favored by less than a point (128.10 to 127.16) IN Yahoo’s completely bullshit and dumbass and stupid and makes no sense and is completely infuriating and steers me in the wrong direction more often than they’re actually correct projected score. This is fixin to be a close one!
#11 JelqBoyz (3-11) vs #12 Climb Up Scott (3-11)
I still think we should have a proper Toilet Bowl. (It’s probably too late now.) I think we’re all a bit new to the punishment thing. But a Toilet Bowl is the right way to do it. I say 11 and 12 have to play each other for the right to not wear pads on Draft Day. Unless, the game break is 3 or more. Like if you’re sitting at 2 and 12 and the next worst team has 5 wins, you don’t get the chance to redeem yourself. I honestly would care more about Timmy vs Scotty this week than any other matchup. Including my own! Commish, can we still make this happen?!
Man, so we got one matchup between 2 of the highest scoring teams in the league, only separated by a 6-point spread. Two teams looking to both underscore each other. One matchup that could literally go either way. And one matchup where we all hope Brendo loses. It’s gonna be a good weekend!
Lessdoothis!
James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League 